Moving on after an affair...

[KeepItPrivate]

I've been married for nearly 15 years. For most of that time I've been reasonably content.

My DH is quite controlling and has a short fuse but is a good provider and excellent father to our 4 DC's.

Last year a (male) work friend from years ago got in touch out of the blue after about 10 years. We had shared a brief fling just before I met my DH and then he went away to work in the US. When he returned from the US, I had just got married and he told me that he was gutted as he had come home for us to be together. I had no idea he felt this way. We went out for a drink to catch up and occasionally over the years he would ring me and see how I was and he always said that he would never marry as he had found his soulmate in me.

When he got in touch last year and told me he had married and had children I was really pleased for him as he was a 'salt of the earth' type of guy, good looking, fab sense of humour and good father material.

We started texting each other every day and he made me laugh so much I really looked forward to his calls.

He kept asking me to meet up with him but I was reluctant to do so as I knew he had feelings for me and I was feeling the same way. After a month of him texting me up to 50 times a day, I agreed to meet him in the daytime for a chat.

After chatting for half an hour (I was on my lunch break), we both went back to work. I knew that day I had fallen for him and he said he felt the same. We continued to meet up for another 2 months but only ever in our lunch hour and nothing more physical than holding hands ever went on. I could tell he was really unhappy with his lot, his wife was lacking the 'get up and go' that I had always had etc and he told me he had only married her after he heard from a mutual friend that I had said there was no way we could be together.

I deperately wanted more but couldn't deal with the guilt.

My DH found out when he texted me in the middle of the night and the phone woke him. I managed to explain it away as just a work collegue flirting but later that week his wife found out and he ended things with me saying that he would lose the house and the children and we would be together one day but not now.

I was absolutely devastated and am still not over it a year later - thinking about him every day and night.

My relationship with my DH has deteriated so much so that we barely speak and he doesn't deserve to be made so unhappy by me.

If I was reading this I would be thinking 'for god's sake, pull yourself together'. I have tried but I have never felt this strongly about anyone in my life - please tell me it will get better

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If he wanted you he would have left his wife. I think you were just a bit of fun. Work things out with your husband now

Dior, you are right - he did just want a fling but so did I.

I should have said that he did leave his wife and I promised to leave my DH but when it came down to it I was scared of how I'd cope financially as our DC's are in private education and he didn't earn that sort of money.

He nearly lost everything as at first she wouldn't take him back as she said she knew he'd always wanted to be with me.

When they decided to give it another go, he was back on the phone to me telling me I'd made the wrong decision and he was with her beacause he didn't want to be on his own

I keep thinking that the hurt I'm feeling now is my punishment for what I've put my DH through

and his DW not a lot of sympathy here sorry!

Definately not after sympathy.

I know I have done wrong and if I could turn back the clock I would never have put my DH through this EVER.

I am grateful for your posts, I just wanted to see it in black and white and se if it made me feel any better

my ex is with his girlfriend because he can't be with me and she;s 'easy'. I feel very sorry for her because if he left her and was on his own they'd both have the chance of meeting someone that made them happy..

you're depriving your husband of potentially finding happiness and you depriving yourself of the same thing. Whether it's with the man you had an affair with or someone else.. or even just finding contentment on your own.

Doesn't sound like anyone of you (all 4) are in very good places at the moment.

"When they decided to give it another go, he was back on the phone" - he's not really giving it much of a go is he?

Do you really think you could be happy with a man who could cheat on his wife? He'll say whatever it takes to get inside your knickers... and the next woman's too. Sorry You are better off without him. Concentrate on repairing things with hubby

I feel so sorry for you- and I feel sorry that more MNs can't be more sympathetic. I have been in a kind of similar situation and all I got from MNs was grief and being told I was doing wrong. Made me feel worse, TBH!

I think you have 2 options- contact him again, without any guarantee he'll reply- and say how you feel. Give him the chance for one last try.

Leave it, try to see it just wasn't to be, and focus on what you want from a man. Your phrase "reasonably content" speaks volumes- I'd say that too, but what It means to me, is that a little bit of me is waiting for the man ( maybe an ex,maybe not) who will really set me alight. You say that your husband is a god father and a good provider- but that's not exactly saying he is good for YOU is it? Have you settled for less than you want, just to keep the peace? If so, maybe the flirtation was a wake-up call that you need to get out of your marriage.

It's too easy for everyone to call the other guy a love-rat or whatever, and say he's just after sex. If that was so, he's not make all the effort he did with you. There are times when our emotions can't be controlled and no matter what our heads say, it's not easy.

I don't believe there is just one person for everyone. I do believe it is possible to love more than one man- but you can only live with ONE!

The man you wanted is not free and he seems to have decided he will stay with his family. That is understandable- most men will, when it comes to the crunch. Deep down, you know that is right for his children, but i know it doesn't make the pain any better.

I understand how you feel- it is deeply disappointing not to have your feelings returned. I do think though that men are able to get involved in flirting without it meaning quite as much to them as it does to us- or at least they get carried away with it all, then have 2nd thoughts. Texting 50 times a day is a bit obsessive, and something should have told you that that level of contact could never last. But it was feeding a need in you. You have to work out if your husband can fed that need, or if you need to be brave and move on.

I do know a little how you feel- one of my ex's and I have been in touch for 35 years- he has had several marriages, as supposedly none gave him what he had with me, but we have never been free at the same time! I have just learned to live with it- not easy, but that was my choice, as like your ex, I couldn't jump ship when I had the chance. Put my family first.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Take one day at a time. My theory is that sometimes you don't get over things- but you do find a way of living with them. Good luck!

P.s. I have just read that you chose not to continue because your kids were in private schools- what does that say abut YOUR feelings for that man? It's fine to put your kids first- but they would survive in a sate school! it does sound as if both of you are putting material considerations before true love. What would you say?

What a lovely message hls, it says it all really amd sums up everything I feel - thank-you

I have tried to get in touch but he won't answer my calls or texts.

I am, in fact happy to be on my own with the DC's but DH has first begged me not to go, then threatened me with making my life as difficult as possible if I do go.

I have now realised that there is nothing left between DH and me apart from the convenience of having live-in childcare but leaving him would mean taking the children out of their schools so feeling now that I should just put up and shut up, as hls says, I don't feel I can get over it but I have to learn to live with it.

Keepitprivate- I hope that you might find the courage to leave your unhappy marriage- I know how hard that prospect seems- but take it from me, the pattern might repeat itself again, with other flirtations, and all you will feel is more unhappy.

Your kids would survive in a state school, and although I know it's not what you'd ideally want, you need to project forward 30 years and think how you will feel then if you stay in something that doesn't satisfy YOU.

Good luck!

You have my sympathy too. You did the right thing, and the fact that you feel so guilty now just shows you are upright and strong. Maybe you can't get him out of your head because things never got a chance to become messy and awful and boring so you still have this romantic image.

I would say, you have beaten yourself up enough about it. Maybe your dh is still blaming you after all this time because you are doing it to yourself. Maybe if you take some of that strength you've obviously got, and stand up to his feeling of blame a little bit, your dh will respond to that and start to come back to you.

It wasn't a proper affair, you had an emotional fling, and it's not surprising he was hurt, but it sounds like he was emotionally quite absent. You both need to stop looking backwards and I think you need to tell him that if you can.

Thanks for that evenmoreprivate, I think you are correct - I'm probably looking at it through rose coloured glasses.

Thanks all for your messages, got to go to work now

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Dior - you didn't sound harsh at all, you told it like it was!

The childrens' schooling wasn't the only reason I didn't leave but as I saw it, if my new relationship didn't work out, I had lost nothing as I no longer wanted to be with DH anyway but my children would lose their home, the daily contact with their Dad and their school friends and I couldn't do that to them.

evenmoreprivate - yes my DH is emotionally absent and a controlling bully.

I would love to be strong enough to leave but if the house was sold, neither of us would have enough to start again, which I suppose is the reason many unhappy couples have to stay together.

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Have looked at that site earlier in the week, Dior but I don't even know who the mortgage is with is let alone how much it is or the council tax or bills - one of the upsides of being married to an accountant

I know it sounds like I am making excuses but if I kept the house, he would have nothing and I couldn't do that to him. He works his arse off for us, pays all the bills, holidays, everything. I had the affair and he's the one who gets turfed out, it just wouldn't be fair. He's kept me all our married life until I started my own business 2 years ago. I just couldn't

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I know Dior, but because I don't love him anymore doesn't mean he deserves to lose everything.

Would I be any happier if I had to deal with the DC's alone day in, day out struggling to make ends meet? Probably not

I am sorry you feel that way

Sometimes I think we are not lying in the bed that we made, just the one that has been allocated to us cos we were at the back of the queue!

KIP- I am sure you echo what many people think. I do wonder though- are you staying because you have become very dependent on him? I mean, I simply cannot imagine not knowing who the mortgage was with or financial stuff.

Are you pinning your reasons to stay on your feelings for your DH or your own worry about looking after yourself?

The thing is, if you can afford to have your DCs at private schools surely you could afford to split and have 2 houses?
And he wouldn't lose everything- he would get his 50% or near enough. His earning power is greater than yours I assume, so he could start again.

And although you had the affair ( though only a friendship from what you say) he is not blameless- you have said he is a bully etc etc. Isn't that enough to make you feel less responsible for the state your marriage is in?

You do seem to have suffered a lot for your acceptance of romantic bullshit. YOu've got the ex/fling/other man who sounds like a nasty bit of goods to me: has it occurred to you that his popping up out of the blue, pursuing you and then dumping you might have been some form of revenge on you for not marrying him in the first place? ANd your husband doesn't want you to go but instead of trying to work things out with you, threatens you in order to make you stay?

Oh madamez- how cynical! Why would anyone put that amount of effort into it? No- don't think so.

I have been in touch with a n ex for 35 years- as friends -at our 1st reunion I half-thought about not turning up- as a pay-back. But that's just so childish. 'fraid I think you're wrong here.

KIP- this is just a thought- would it help you to get some control back into your life so you either feel strong enough to leave- or at least to stand up to your husband?

e.g. Is the house and everything in his name? You say that you don't know who your mortgage is with etc and what council tax you pay- I find that really odd, as all our bills and bank statements are addressed to us BOTH as we are joint owners of the house. I have my own BA as i am self-employed with my own business, but we have a joint account too. All those statements have both our names on, as do any letters from the building society.

I am NOT criticising you at all- but I just find it odd, that's all- and it does seem t o feed your husband's controlling behaviour and yours as being submissive, by allowing yourself to be threatened by him - and staying with him.

How do you feel about his saying he would make life hard for you if you left? For me, that would prompt me to divorce him, as it makes him sound like someone not worthy of my love.

You appear to have quite a well-to-do lifestyle if you have live-in help and children at private schools. Despite what you think, I do feel there must be plenty of money to fund both of you, if you decided to split- not maybe in the style you live now, but what's most important? Your happiness, or a certain standard of living, which most people don't have anyway, even as a couple?

I really hope you have the courage to do something about this- as I have read more of your posts it is clear that the emotional affair you had was important to you as it gave you the chance to leave your marriage.

If you really can't do that, can you at least stand up to your husband?

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