Moving on after an affair...

[KeepItPrivate]

I've been married for nearly 15 years. For most of that time I've been reasonably content.

My DH is quite controlling and has a short fuse but is a good provider and excellent father to our 4 DC's.

Last year a (male) work friend from years ago got in touch out of the blue after about 10 years. We had shared a brief fling just before I met my DH and then he went away to work in the US. When he returned from the US, I had just got married and he told me that he was gutted as he had come home for us to be together. I had no idea he felt this way. We went out for a drink to catch up and occasionally over the years he would ring me and see how I was and he always said that he would never marry as he had found his soulmate in me.

When he got in touch last year and told me he had married and had children I was really pleased for him as he was a 'salt of the earth' type of guy, good looking, fab sense of humour and good father material.

We started texting each other every day and he made me laugh so much I really looked forward to his calls.

He kept asking me to meet up with him but I was reluctant to do so as I knew he had feelings for me and I was feeling the same way. After a month of him texting me up to 50 times a day, I agreed to meet him in the daytime for a chat.

After chatting for half an hour (I was on my lunch break), we both went back to work. I knew that day I had fallen for him and he said he felt the same. We continued to meet up for another 2 months but only ever in our lunch hour and nothing more physical than holding hands ever went on. I could tell he was really unhappy with his lot, his wife was lacking the 'get up and go' that I had always had etc and he told me he had only married her after he heard from a mutual friend that I had said there was no way we could be together.

I deperately wanted more but couldn't deal with the guilt.

My DH found out when he texted me in the middle of the night and the phone woke him. I managed to explain it away as just a work collegue flirting but later that week his wife found out and he ended things with me saying that he would lose the house and the children and we would be together one day but not now.

I was absolutely devastated and am still not over it a year later - thinking about him every day and night.

My relationship with my DH has deteriated so much so that we barely speak and he doesn't deserve to be made so unhappy by me.

If I was reading this I would be thinking 'for god's sake, pull yourself together'. I have tried but I have never felt this strongly about anyone in my life - please tell me it will get better

madamez - you know, you are right - I've suggested Relate many times and he's refused but in a way, made it impossible for us to stay together.

hls - My mother said the same thing to me yesterday - "why the hell do you allow him to bully you like that? I never brought you up to allow anyone to control you in that way."
I think he's slowly worn me down over the years. He's always handled the finances, he's an accountant and at first I was glad to have no worries over bills etc as previously I'd always had to look after myself and pay my own way with no help from family. I didn't really think anything of it until I posted on here and and people commented about finding it odd.
We do have a joint account but I no interest in it. If we need food, I get it from this account, everything else for the DC's and myself comes out of my bank account and if I want to make a big purchase I ask DH for the money.
We by no means have a 'well to do life style' - my older two DC's went to state schools through til 11 and are in private education because my inlaws fund half of it (because they wanted the DGC's to go to there) and my younger two are at a state primary school and will go to private high schools when the time comes if we can afford it (relying on lump sum when Inlaws downsize) and with help from in laws.
By sending them there we are both having to work 50 hour weeks, take low key holidays and drive clapped out cars.

I know I must stand up to him and your posts have given me the courage to do so - as you say, he's not totally blameless in all this.
My standard of living is not at all important to me now as my friends all have lower combined incomes than us and they manage as I would learn to do.

I would love DH to read this thread and see himself the way you have and let him see a few home truths about him and I.

I feel liberated

Dior - It used to affect the DC's as they hated to see me crying when he'd been yelling at me but my DD1 mentioned it to my MIL (he's 100% a mother's boy) and she wiped the floor with him, telling him he was a bad tempered so and so and he was going to lose me if he carried on so rarely shouts now and never in front of the DC's
My DD1 who is 14 stands up to him very well if he tries to control her. I admire her ability do so without being disrespectful and he always backs down. She is forever saying to me "why do you let Dad speak to you like that?"
I need to take a leaf out of her book

KIP_ I hope you continue to feel liberated!
Maybe the first step is to an active interest in the household finances- and show him that you are changing!

I think it's easy to take a back seat in these, but - god forbid- if women ( or men) who do this find they are suddenly on their own for any reason, they have a very steep learning curve!

Best of luck!

Its not that difficult to find out all the financial stuff .....If you really wanted to do you? My exp has recently left me and 7yr old daughter without so much as a by or leave and he earned piles of cash and I worked PT not on piles of dosh I have managed to get copies of bills etc apply for benefits to keep me going and am getting myself on the way to recovery (very bitter about everything too) I understand about your feelings re the kids and not having the lifestyle theyd been used to if things ended with hubby but kids adapt and as long as you are there for them no matter how shitty you feel you will find that they really make life easier to handle on your own. Speaking from experience of being in an relationship for 14 yrs with a controlling tight fisted individual (thats being extremely polite BTW) you will be better off on your own - sit hubby down and talk to him tell him how you feel and suggest counselling (didnt work for us yrs ago but worth a try) if all else fails agree to seperate and get on with your life you dont need a man to prop you up you might think you do but honestly you dont your kids will do that just by being their mum you will find the strength to go on and if hes any kind of decent parent he will ensure that the kids have a home and a dinner every night everything else is i icing on the cake so to speak Good luck anyway and one last thing youmight not like this but if you choose to have an affair with a married man with kids remember you are not only wrecking your whole family@s life but are doing it to someone else as well - hopefully not a feeling you would be proud of.

Sorry to hear about your situation taken4granted - that must have been awful for you

For the record, I am not one bit bothered about having the lifestyle I'm used to. I'm self employed and can earn plenty for myself.

As I said at the beginning of the post, I wanted to take things further but didn't because of the guilt and that was guilt for my DH and his DW and kids. I couldn't imagine how gutted she must have felt when all this started when she had already known about me and his feelings for me for years. I am not in the habit of doing these things and I think if you read this through properly you would see I'm anything but proud of my actions.

takenforgranted- it wasn't an affair=KIP stepped back - it was emotional only.!