Why can some women have babies and make it look breezy?! Whilst other struggle

[deathbecomesherhead]

I've only had 1 and we struggled massively with multiple issues.. it was such a tough time.. yet I've know mums have 3/4 kids and seem to just Ace it.. what's the difference? Mum's character? Personality? Support system? All of it?!

Absolutely a mix of things.

Everyone is different, but also generally we only see what is happening from the outside many people struggle but don't show it.

Lots of variables, some of which you mention.

I think a mix of things too! family help/great support system, being financially comfortable, parents' personalities/attitudes, easy babies..

It depends on so many things:
Physical health/fitness
Mental health/resilience
Personality
Upbringing & attitudes/expectations
Relationship with partner/spouse
How supportive partner is
Work situation
Financial situation
How easy the baby turns out to be
Loads more things probably

I found my first pretty easy. 2nd was an easy baby but I had some health issues and postnatal anxiety.

Some women’s bodies are just fabulous at giving birth (which is fab!) and so they prob feel less horrified at 4 or 5 births. I listen to a podcaster who is 30 and just had her sixth, it was her ‘trickiest’ yet with no health issues, a home birth, spontaneous labour and 2.5 hours start to finish with no painkillers required. At 37.4 weeks.

I am super happy for her but at the same time it is a fact that I would have likely died both times in Labour without medical intervention and therefore with great sadness but practicality I stopped at 2 kids. Very grateful for two lovely kids and the medical care I had.

Some women are sports stars, some fabulous singers, some incredible lawyers and business leaders, some women incredible at bringing up five lovely kids and making it look easy. We all have different paths and skills.

My first was a dream. I could've had 10 of him. I struggled to understand why some people found parenting hard.

Then I had my second. If I'd had her first I don't think I'd have had another. I feel like she cried for 18 months solid.

I would also add that there is more to parenting than babies - some people breeze through the baby/toddler stage but the wheels come off during the teenage years or when parenting adults.

My first baby was so easy...I didn't have a huge amount of support at all but I didn't struggle. I found it really odd when other mums at baby group would say how hard it was.

My second was much harder work!

I agree it's a variety of factors... sometimes luck.

The only thing I have noticed is that women who are more successful in their careers and who are high achievers in general seem to find it harder...I think this is because they are often used to being in total control and this changes when they have a baby...but this is just my own anecdotal observation.

Whole mix of things, not least the temperament of the baby, mother's own upbringing, and level of support from partner, family and friends.

As as above, some find the early years a breeze, others find the teen years fine (like me, very hard to start with but I love time with our two teens).

I've had 5 easy babies, and there are a million reasons why my experience is more positive than others. Some intentional, others pure luck.

Financial situation
Support system
Upbringing
Access to resources and information
Location
General health (mental and physical)

I'd imagine personality can impact experience, but no amount of positivity can fix some awful situations

I was a wreck with ds1 who had the most dreadful colic and it was all I could do to cling to my sanity and hope for the best. I had two more children after that and everything felt like a doddle in comparison to those first six months with ds1. And he's in striking distance of being an adult now.

I think it's a mixture. With my first she was a very easy baby which made parenting easy for me. I was very lucky I didn't have post natal depression and my partner helped me full on. It's not because I was a fantastic mother compared to anyone else. It was because I was very lucky in lots of areas. Also i recovered from birth very quickly too. If any of those areas had been different for me I guarantee I would have struggled.

You can't compare because everyone is different and you only see a glimpse you dont know if they dont struggle or are actually good parents.

Some people find it easy, cos they have really easy babies. Most of my friends had easy babies, I have not got an easy baby, at all. It’s the luck of the draw, unfortunately. It is hard not to be jealous, or feel annoyed when you seem to struggle more than your friends. It’s also hard to not be annoyed, when they tell you “it gets easier”, when it doesn’t always work that way! 😫

So many variables.

Some people literally have it easier. Easier baby (less crying / more sleeping). More support. OH steps up and does their bit. Easier pregnancy and birth for the mum. Fewer financial worries. Don't have to juggle paid work (I have to go / when should I go / is my job at risk / I feel guilty for going back) and motherhood.

Some people deal better with their world turning upside down. Just more easy going. Less need to be on control. Don't mind the house being a tip for a few months.

Some people put a front on things, and give the impression of being on top of everything when actually they feel completely out of their depth.

Some people seem to breeze through the baby / toddler but but don't cope with the older child / teens / young adult parenting.

I think the biggest factor by miles is the personality/needs of the baby/child. Everything else is important but secondary

Yes, my baby was extremely difficult (I hate saying that) but it's true.. sleeping issues until age 4, feeding issues, hospital stays, colic - I was a nervous anxious wreck.. and I've seen so many around me just have many babies with ease..

My upbringing was shite so I had a lot of skills to learn, reading to do and to find my way so to speak with no support.. just myself and DH..

We are debating whether to roll the dice but I must admit I am terrified..

My DC is wonderful and a gift but it was a huge transition and struggle for me personally..

So many variables - mum’s physical health, mum’s mental health, whether there were injuries or complications from pregnancy and birth, how much support she has from friends, family and her partner, how easy or difficult the baby is, financial position, whether the baby sleeps, how well set up the home is for having a baby, how much there is for mums and babies in the local area, the health of the baby, etc etc etc.

Everyone’s journey is different and you can’t compare yourself to where others appear to be from the outside.

The reasons that you've said for your struggles would probably make most people struggle op so I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself.

I don't mean this to sound condescending in any way but you should look at it positively that you had all that hurdles and still coped

My first was in hospital for 4 weeks after birth and my second was an emergency C section.
I coped quite well considering I had no family support (had my DH).
I think because I had been brought up not to rely on anyone I kind of take it in my stride when the shit hits the fan, I don't expect help so I am never disappointed when I don't get any!
I went back to work full time when they were 6 & 5 months old, I couldn't afford not to so I just did it, I didn't have time for mum guilt as I was too busy trying to keep food on the table for them.
I can remember a colleague years ago marvelling at how I did it all (think it was because I always had make up on and my hair done!) and I just said I had no option but to do it. If you saw me then you would probably assume I had my shit together and found it easy however I was constantly bone achingly tired to the point I can't remember some 'big' life events that happened during that time.
I have since been diagnosed with some health issues that are brought on/worsened by stress and exhaustion and will have to deal with them for the rest of my life.
So for me, making it look easy/doing it all/having it all has definitely had negative consequences.

Dc1 - horrible long labour, and such a hard baby. I desperately wanted to breastfeed so I was gutted when I had to admit defeat and introduce formula (and then he wasn’t interested in breast feeding from that point!) he cried non-stop in pain from colic, he didn’t sleep.
He didn’t like to be put down, but also didn’t like baby wearing. I felt like I was drowning. He was a very strong willed toddler, still didn’t sleep and would run off if not on reigns. Still loved him more than anything (obviously) but found it so hard so decided I was one and done!

gap of 6 years and loved parenting dc1 after about 2 years old onwards. He is such a dream child now! So decided to have one more dc.

dc2- super easy dream labour, breastfed like a dream, still not a great sleeper but better than dc1 and I think breastfeeding made that easier somehow (also allowed myself to safely co-sleep which saved my sanity) very generally happy baby. Loved baby wearing. Velcro baby but happy and not in pain with colic so it made a huge difference!
Very happy toddler, doesn’t dart off etc.

dc3- we shall see!

I think temperament and other factors (like being a good sleeper etc) are partly innate. You can parent two children the same way and they can have two completely different temperaments.
I do also feel that confidence in your own parenting and having done it all once before really does help. For example I coslept (making it as safe as possible using the safe sleep guidelines and advise from midwives etc) with dc2, whereas even though I was on my knees with dc1 I didn’t even consider it because I was scared of doing anything that wasn’t ’by the book’ and didn’t make my own decisions.
we also don’t have any extended family, so me and dh only have each other to rely on.

I think it's
Health issues in pregnancy
Health issues in birth
Health issues after birth
Feeding issues /tongue tie etc
Baby who sleeps or refuses to
Baby medical issues eg silent reflux
Angry baby /Easy baby

I am not an anxious person and I am a resilient person but I/we had all of the above for both babies (except no silent reflux for second baby). It is really fucking hard. My second child is 15 months and she has never slept more than 2 hrs in a row. Never.

We went out for a theatre trip with just our eldest today. There was a baby in the audience maybe 6 months old. There is no fucking way mine would have not been shouting/crying/lunging off a lap within the first 15 mins. Neither of mine tolerated the car, youngest still just screams her head off if in it for more than 10 mins. Similar for a pram. Yet people always advise taking them for a drive or a walk. Sorry, I've gone off on a rant.

In summary I think It's down to luck and support. We didn't get the luck and have very minimal support. Love my two to pieces though.

Ha ha that's exactly what I always thought when I saw chilled babies- no way mine would have tolerated that 😂. And how easy it would have been to have babies that slept. I could have had an evening!! Also applied to people who talked about prepping the evening before or getting up earlier. Mine tag teamed to ensure this wasn't an option for me!!

They are brilliant though (now they are older)!

Maybe they’re not ‘breezing it’. I possibly looked like I was at times. I wasn’t. I was ill at times but didn’t dare tell anyone for fear of being judged. It’s not a competition. You do you. Keep up
the good work, parenting is never a breeze anyone telling you otherwise isn’t being honest ❤️