Why can some women have babies and make it look breezy?! Whilst other struggle

[deathbecomesherhead]

I've only had 1 and we struggled massively with multiple issues.. it was such a tough time.. yet I've know mums have 3/4 kids and seem to just Ace it.. what's the difference? Mum's character? Personality? Support system? All of it?!

Some babies are easy, some are hard. Some people have a lot of help and support, some do not have any. Just so many variables. But IMO it’s the baby you get.

Nicely rounded inner pelvis , position of baby , how evenly baby's head is sitting on cervix, and therefore stimulating efficient contractions.

remember you also don’t see everything. i have 3 under 4and get comments all the time about how do you do it/you’re supermum etc etc. reality is im overstimulated like crazy, desperate to give up breastfeeding but cant afford to, and on antidepressants. people who you think are having an easy time might actually not be at all

I have 3 under 5 and people tell me all the time how easy I make it look. They don't see my bad moments. Some people are just good at masking.
But to be honest, i don't actually find it that hard and my village is miniscule, I do 90% of everything by myself. I take every hardship as a lesson to learn. I have my moments though, believe me. It's rough sometimes with 3 very young children.

Oh the overstimulation is REAL! I'm also wanting to give up breastfeeding my youngest but he won't take a bottle. It's rough.

Lots will be how you were bought up. The ideas you pick up about being a parent.
I think a lot is expectation versus reality.

I also think how you are pregnant defines some of the early stages. Your baby gas learnt routines before they are out. You are up all night snacking and doing stuff it's unreasonable to think you will have a baby that sleeps through isn't it. Equally if it's learnt to be up and busy first thing for 9 months why would expect your child to sleep in mornings just because you have maternity leave!

I feel like women / people don't talk enough about how the babies temperament can make a huge difference to your experience and mental well being as a parent.. a baby that doesn't sleep well can cause absolute distress for the parents.. it led me to insomnia and I started taking sleeping tablets to get through.. I've realised my absolute lack of village which has been a big realisation for us..

If need to simply help/ nanny as I had psychosis that went undiagnosed.. I just about made it through.. :///

My boy is a gift and I wouldn't change anything for the world but man it was SO god damn hard it nearly put me in a straight jacket :////

Just luck. I had 2 easy pregnancies and 2 really easy births. Put on only 20 pounds both times and lost it immediately post birth. My first was a whopper and back to back, but still incredibly easy to deliver. Breast fed without a moments discomfort, had enough milk to feed several babies for a year each time. No issues whatsoever.

Was it something about me? Something I did? No. I was just lucky. I winged every stage of pregnancy, labour and parenthood. I didn’t even pack a bag for hospital until I was in advanced labour. I’m completely hopeless and just hope for the best. No skills or research involved. I could just have easily had an awful time.

@Gymbunny2025 I get so jealous watching babies just fall asleep while out and about. I am a human dummy to my baby. I need to sort it out. One day I will. Or I will never do it and she will just grow out of it when she's 27 or something.

I was so physically messed up from pregnancy and birth that I couldn't wear my screaming baby in a sling to get things done. Also was living in a building site then, which definitely didn't help!

I think the PP does have a point. I really don't think I looked like I struggled that much. I just didn't go to baby groups much at all as I was too tired. I saw people on the school run but it was just "oh yeah, no sleep again last night and yes she's still crying right now because she hates the pram ha ha, better get her home now bye". I'm not much of a moaner in person, just anonymously on mumsnet and to my husband. There will be many like me, who look unfazed but are struggling through.

I often wonder the same OP. There's a woman I keep seeing on Instagram and she's got 7 kids! With 8th on the way! It's absolutely and utterly unimaginable to me 🤯 I would go insane, the kids would be feral and the house would be a wreck. And she makes it look soooo easy. I'm like: when the h do you sleep or do anything? How?

Anyway, I've got one 3yo (and a FT job) and he's more than keeping me busy... 🥵

@deathbecomesherhead I'm sorry you had to go through that. Well done for coming out the other side. It sounds unbelievably hard.

I remember crying with tears streaming down my face whilst driving with my first as I was only trying to drive to a baby group my Nct went to and I got it into my head that surely I could do the same. The purple screaming that baby could produce in a car was unbelievable. I put too much pressure on myself then and second time round I was/am better at just not trying with some things. I also once shouted at that baby to fuck off when she'd screamed all day long. I still feel awful about that 8 years later. Obviously she'd done nothing wrong, but she only slept in 20min stints and that was only if she was held upright - that went on for 10 months. She nearly broke me.

My mother died before I had kids. I often wished she could sweep in and scoop up the baby for a bit and give me a cuddle. I'm not good at asking for help, never have been.

Tolerance to hormones in my case.

I loved being pregnant have hated being a women for the other 35+ years.

Even my labours were great, I'm not even that positive and can be a right old grouch but I was the glowing happy pregnant lady.

One of my school friends popped out 7 kids. Pregnancy didn’t seem to affect her and she remained reed thin throughout.

Each child has pursued different skills, sports, dance, acting, various musical instruments. Her husband died in an accident when number 7 was small. She’s supermum.

@BananaPalm well done managing a FT job too - that's no easy feet!!!

Simply, because life just isn't fair sometimes. I've a pal with four kids and they've all been dreams, life and motherhood has been very kind to her, she's effortlessly sailed through it all like a fecking fairytale creature. Then I've another pal with just one who had a rotten pregnancy and the child has been an obstinate little turd since the moment he crowned (love him of course but my days he's hard work). It's just one of those things. Absolute luck of the draw, combined with a lot of the factors you mentioned.

So dd was an extremely difficult baby. I had a very difficult pregnancy too. I was sick constantly for the first 5 months. God knows how I managed to keep working full time. After 5 months I stopped being sick but developed carpal tunnel syndrome and sciatica amongst other things.
She was hard work as a baby/toddler and needed constant attention.
As an adult she has been diagnosed with ADHD. This was never once mentioned by any health care professional or educational professional ever. Probably because I spent her entire life talking to her, taking her places, teaching her things, trying to exhaust her by endless outdoor activities etc. she was not what you imagine a typical child with ADHD to be. She was very clever and high achieving and well behaved at school, so she did not fit the typical ‘naughty boy’ mould which was all ADHD ever seamed to be about.
It has made me quite sad that she has this condition but it all makes sense now.
Anyhow to all other parents in a similar situation, dd is doing remarkably well. Yes, she can be ‘difficult’ but she owns her own property by herself. She can drive and has a car. She is a manager in a very prestigious role working for an international company. She will soon have the opportunity of heading up a new role which will take her abroad on business trips. She has lots of friends and is a very caring and compassionate young woman.
So there is light at the end of the tunnel for all struggling parents.

A woman's unique physiology is the difference between an easy pregnancy and a hard pregnancy.

The difference between a mother that finds it easy is probably the difference between someone that has spent a lot of time around babies and/or is naturally good with them. People forget that looking after small children is a unique skill set and that childcare professionals spend 2 years studying how to do it. Let's stop pretending it's easy. It's bloody hard work.

I think everyone has said it. There are lots of variables. I also think how a mum talks about their experience can make them appear as if it’s a breeze - some people have tough skin and get on with things and others express everything. Also I think the personality and temperament of the child plays a huge role - of course an east baby will make life easier and also having regular breaks if you have good support really helps, but if you are “stuck” with your baby all of the time it’s different .

Interestingly with my first I made the baby phase look effortless - but it was only because my family had her whilst I got on with work and study - my PND was so bad that I didn’t really spend quality time with her - I’d go home and absolutely hate it - cried loads - but she was also an easy baby so I could put her down, travel with her. But I didn’t share this with anyone and from the outside I was “aceing it”

I got pregnant easily but had 3 horrible pregnancies: sick sick sick. Loved being a mum to babies/ breastfeeding easily etc. Great primary age which after teaching that age was straight forward. Hit the teen years and eldest went off the rails. Hell on earth! Eventually came around.
My sil was always so stressed with small babies but came into her own for the teen years in spite of divorce. There is no telling. We just blunder through as best we can.

I think the biggest things are the personality of the baby (extending to whether they're in good health or upset all the time because of colic) and the personality of the mum.

Specifically is the mum generally resilient and able to deal with the unexpected, or do they suffer a lot of anxiety/struggle with change or the unpredictable.

The mums I know who found things harder are generally in the second camp. But a baby that cries all the time or refuses to sleep will push anyone's limits.

I think someone mentioned 'skills' needed and I totally agree!!

Being an effective parent means having the skills and knowledge to do so!! Us new mums need help and support from experienced teachers/ parents/ family members / medical professionals... a village!

I knew absolutely nothing about raising a child and some mums I knew did, they knew a lot.. I'd argue it's not instinct, it's skills and knowledge passed down

I didn’t find babies very hard at all. Especially my first. I wasn’t super anxious about everything though and just did what I thought. I gave him a dummy for example. I fed him solids when I thought he needed it at 4 months. I weaned him straight to cows milk at 10 months. I never got hung up on strict routines. If he was cranky and tired I’d put him to sleep. If we were out he’d sleep in the pram. I think mums who struggle are those who get so hung up on rules and routines and worried about doing the wrong thing. I never worried about doing the wrong thing I just trusted my own judgement.

if I had of delayed his solids til 6 months (as per ‘the rules’) he would have been a nightmare to deal with. He was a big boy and I could see he was hungry and not getting enough from breastmilk anymore.

i used to let my daughter sleep on her tummy. From 3 months she could roll over herself anyway. If I put her on her back she’d roll herself over anyway. I could have tied myself in knots trying to stop her but I just put her on her tummy - she was happy she slept that way (still does!) and it would have made me stressed out trying to stop her.