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Original poster

Silent treatment husbands default when anything is wrong

36 replies

Findthehappy · 19/01/2025 08:11

Sorry for the long essay. I have no close friends to talk to about this so I guess I’m just getting it all out.

Husband and I never have big arguments/fallouts but that’s because he immediately resorts to silent treatment the moment he has any problem or issue.

Currently on day 2 of silent treatment. I have asked what’s wrong multiple times yesterday and tried to communicate normally through the day to no avail. He just doesn’t engage in any conversation at all with me unless it’s essential and was pretty much avoiding me all day. Yesterday evening after the kids were in bed I tried to speak to him about what’s wrong but he wouldn’t talk to me and said he wanted to watch whatever rugby he had put on the tv. Normally I’ll just accept that and try and enjoy watching it too (I like rugby!) but the atmosphere he created was just horrible and I finally just left the room saying that I couldn’t stay in the same room when he was creating such a bad atmosphere and not even talking to me to try and sort whatever it was out. I went up
to our room about 8pm and I’ve not seen him since. He chose to sleep in the living room (I assume) rather than speak to me. That’s a first and has really upset me.

Clearly he has some sort of issue expressing his emotions and it’s not got any better with time (we’ve been married 10 years). I’ve managed very brief conversations with him about how this doesn’t help me understand or help him. His biggest problem seems to be our lack of sex life (once or twice a week). We have an 8 year old and 4 year old twins and very busy lives with work and exercise commitments. He has alluded to he needs more because if he doesn’t get it his mood suffers.

I’m assuming this current period of silent treatment is because I wasn’t feeling great on his birthday so we didn’t have sex and I said we could the next day. Only for him to come up to bed early. And when I came up to join him I cuddled up, a clear indicator that I was open to it and he didn’t even say anything or turn to me. Eventually just shrugged me off. And he’s been in the silent treatment/avoiding me mode ever since.

I’m currently in bed with the kids and can hear him pottering round downstairs. I should probably go and speak to him while the kids are otherwise entertained but I’m so done with the lack of communication and any recognition that the way he is behaving is childish and just driving an even bigger wedge between us.

I know he/we need relationship counselling/therapy but he’s unlikely to agree to that. I’m so stuck on what to do next. I don’t want to separate (mostly we have a fun relationship and he’s good with the kids) I don’t even know how that would work. I can’t move out our family are all far away and I couldn’t get to work/kids to school/nursery and u do not want to do anything that would unsettle them.

Feeling very sad and stuck.

OP posts:
shinebrightlikeanemerald · 19/01/2025 08:15

I couldn’t live like this.

Silent treatment is torture and abuse.

He is a very malevolent man.

He is also weaponizing sex and wants you to succumb to his needs/desires like a blow up doll.

This is a very disturbing situation to be in for you.

You can’t win with a man like this.

He is rotten.

Pencilsieve · 19/01/2025 08:18

God this is horrible. Has he always been like that about sex? So manipulative.
When you say you don't have close friends to talk to about this, do you mean you don't have close friends at all, or you do but you don't want to talk to them? Sounds like you could really do with some emotional support.
I'd be trying to build myself a life without him in it.

TangerineClementine · 19/01/2025 08:22

This is bad OP. He's a sulker (which would drive me mad in itself), but also his reason for sulking is terrible. Of course you're allowed to say no to sex (for any reason) without being punished for it. If you stay together will you start feeling that you have to have sex whenever he wants it to avoid an awful atmosphere like this? Sad

TheTruthHurtsDontIt · 19/01/2025 08:22

God what a prick.

First of all shagging once or twice a week when you have multiple small children is a fucking achievement and he needs to get a grip, men who pout over not getting laid enough are one of the most unattractive members of the species.

Second if I were you, honestly, I'd be just speaking to a solicitor and divorcing the cunt. Why subject yourself to a giant teenager having a temper tantrum when you could just not? Life is easier without wastes of carbon like this in it, honestly. Even with little kids.

category12 · 19/01/2025 08:26

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

ocelot3 · 19/01/2025 08:29

There really is nothing worse that duty sex. Your post takes me back with a shudder to when I felt I was having to do this; having left my ex a few years ago I now realise what a weight lifted this is. Sex twice a week with young DC is pretty regular imho, but feeing like you have to do it on some kind of timed schedule to ensure he doesn’t sulk is hideous and enough to kill any desire to do it in the first place. Sounds like compulsory couples counselling is the next step…though that is also exhausting and difficult to schedule with young DC.

MaryGreenhill · 19/01/2025 08:30

Honestly how can you be bothered to want to talk to him OP . What a prize git you have there .

graffittimonkey · 19/01/2025 08:32

You need to tell him that the silent treatment is abuse and that you don't want to be in an abusive relationship.

Don't pander to him, don't try and "make up". When he pulls a strop just say:

"The silent treatment is a recognised form of abuse. If you want to be an abusive husband, carry on with it. If you want a successful marriage you should learn to talk through your issues like a grown up, but don't expect me to spend the rest of my life with a man who abuses me, I deserve better than that and your children deserve to grow up in a home without an abusive adult.
If and when you're ready to sit down and talk, let me know."

BarMonaco · 19/01/2025 08:34

I had a boyfriend like that and it was a revelation when I met dh and he'd just talk normally after a disagreement. After we split the ex boyfriend moved in with a woman and she actually phoned me to ask about our relationship as she said he hadn't spoken to her for 2 days. They split.

crackfoxy · 19/01/2025 08:36

graffittimonkey · 19/01/2025 08:32

You need to tell him that the silent treatment is abuse and that you don't want to be in an abusive relationship.

Don't pander to him, don't try and "make up". When he pulls a strop just say:

"The silent treatment is a recognised form of abuse. If you want to be an abusive husband, carry on with it. If you want a successful marriage you should learn to talk through your issues like a grown up, but don't expect me to spend the rest of my life with a man who abuses me, I deserve better than that and your children deserve to grow up in a home without an abusive adult.
If and when you're ready to sit down and talk, let me know."

This is a good reply. He sounds awful OP. I'm sorry

Imisscoffee2021 · 19/01/2025 08:37

I was already disgusted by his behaviour then you mentioned him reasoning he needs more sex 🤢

4 year old twins, an eight year old and a busy life and twice a week is actually loads! My husband and I have an 18 month whose sleep is bad and unpredictable so it's more like once a month here and he'd never dream of making it an issue or it affecting his mood.

The whole idea of duty sex is just vile, and the silent treatment is as others have said emotionally abusive behaviour and I presume your kids have been round to see it too :(

trailblazer42 · 19/01/2025 08:39

I had a silent husband…he said it’s because I refused to talk about things and he got frustrated and gave up. Although he’d get annoyed at other things too (mess at home, meals in pubs being expensive…) I used to carry on as usual and eventually he’d ‘come back’ to us. One time I didn’t. It last for a month until I told him I’d was leaving.

Took me seven months to finally leave but in that time he did tell me he was silent at that time to punish me and to make a point. It wasn’t until a counsellor pointed out that stonewalling (a term I’d never heard before) was abuse that I started to see it. I still excuse it sometimes but I’ve been gone three months now and it’s easier to see it for what it was.

Silent treatment over sex is a real step up from mine so please don’t let him use it to get what he wants from you.

BoxOfCats · 19/01/2025 08:42

It's behaviour that is designed to punish you. Not something I would put up with, nor should you.

TheStigarette · 19/01/2025 08:42

The problem with the silent treatment apart from it being abuse of course, is that it works very well for the person doing it. They feel superior because they haven't yelled, they get to never deal with anything difficult or face their behaviour that's upset someone and they get their much desired time out.

Sooooo they will do it more and more often. And for longer periods of time.

The whole family will suffer. You will be driven into a miserable and desperate state until your own mental wellbeing suffers.

You have my deepest sympathy. I've been you and I left. I left too late though and wasted years of my life treading on eggshells and doing things to keep him happy.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 19/01/2025 08:46

mostly we have a fun relationship when things are going his way but not so fun when he's not getting what he wants?

Like other PP have said, it's bloody amazing you're having sex at all never mind two or three times a week!!

What @graffittimonkey said is ideal to start the conversation with this manbaby.

HarryBlackberry1 · 19/01/2025 08:49

My ex husband was like this. I was with him for almost 20 years. His use of the silent treatment turned me into a wreck. You should really make plans to leave as it won't get any better. It makes me cross now to think of the times when I would spend endless days saying to him 'what's wrong?', 'I'm sorry if I've upset you', just to be ignored. I'm with a lovely decent man now and we talk about things. Silent treatment is abuse.

Life is too short to spend it walking around on eggshells. It will also impact your children. My adult daughter gets in a real state if she thinks she has upset her dad, and regularly tell me that he's not talking to her etc.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 19/01/2025 08:51

It's abusive.

He's using this 'punishment' to make sure next time you're not feeling well and he wants sex, you'll put out, rather than incurring his wrath in the form of if silent treatment.

Unfortunately this doesn't stop, he'll use this every time you do something he doesn't like.

If he won't talk about it, won't go to marriage councillor then you've two options, stay and put up with his abuse or leave

Cryingatthegym · 19/01/2025 09:13

BoxOfCats · 19/01/2025 08:42

It's behaviour that is designed to punish you. Not something I would put up with, nor should you.

This. It's an abusive tactic to punish you and to train you to comply to his demands.

I find threads about silent treatment giving husbands so difficult because my ex would do it all the time.

I pandered to him for years, but when I eventually realised what was happening I called him out and told him he was punishing me. He would then turn it around on me and ask what was wrong with me to make me think he'd punish me. He told me I must have some childhood trauma to make me think like that.

It was only after I told him I was leaving him that he admitted he'd been doing it to punish me all along. After years of telling me I was imagining it. Such a headfuck.

I wouldn't tolerate any level of sulking or silent treatment in a relationship after that. I'm not sure how you've put up with this for 10 years to be honest OP.

LeavesOnTrees · 19/01/2025 09:22

I'd speak to him once this silent treatment is over and explain it is abuse and unacceptable in a marriage. If it happens again then you will be separating.

Something tells me it's a nice habit he's developped to control you and get what he wants, so will be reluctant to stop.
If you do give him an ultimatum then you need to be willing to carry it out.

SkiingIsHeaven · 19/01/2025 09:29

I've had this in the past. When he did it I used to take the kids out and do loads of extra fun stuff. They would come back excitedly chattering away about what a good time they had had He then got pissed off that he had missed out.

I didn't pander to the silent treatment and enjoyed the peace and the fact that I could make all the household and family decisions at that time, with no input from him.

He stopped doing it when he realised that it wasn't working.

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/01/2025 09:36

Change starts from within.
What kind of people do you want your children to be. Would you want a dd to be in an abusive relationship where she was pressured to have x?
Because you are in danger of blurring the rules of consent for your children.
Your H behaviour is abusive and needs to stop or you need to end this relationship.
Get legal advice, talk to woman’s aid , a friend . Don’t be silent

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/01/2025 09:51

You should divorce him. That'll give him something to sulk about.

But I do hear you that at the moment you don't want to leave him and I understand why that is with 2 children.

The only way to counteract this is to fight fire with fire. When he's ignoring you, ignore him back. You can be chatty and breezy with the DCs but as soon as they've gone to bed, I'd go out and leave him to it or sit elsewhere. Don't do anything for him. No cooking, no laundry and certainly no sex or cuddles. He'll learn. Above all, do NOT beg or plead or get teary or upset. That's what he wants, then he's won.

Good luck, OP. I was married to a prize sulker/ignorer (note the WAS) and I know how hard it is.

AltitudeCheck · 19/01/2025 10:15

Assuming you can't/ don't want to LTB (this really would be the best option becausehe sounds loke an asshole!) then you need him to see that the silent treatment as punishment is destroying the emotional connection between you and that in turn kills any desire you feel towards him... Tell him if he wants more intimacy then you need to feel heard and understood.

Send him some links to this guy!!
www.facebook.com/reel/1202082120937486/?app=fbl

IdylicDay · 19/01/2025 10:31

Tell him you want marriage counselling or you'll file for divorce. It may just shock him into doing something.

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