Silent treatment husbands default when anything is wrong

[Findthehappy]

Sorry for the long essay. I have no close friends to talk to about this so I guess I’m just getting it all out.

Husband and I never have big arguments/fallouts but that’s because he immediately resorts to silent treatment the moment he has any problem or issue.

Currently on day 2 of silent treatment. I have asked what’s wrong multiple times yesterday and tried to communicate normally through the day to no avail. He just doesn’t engage in any conversation at all with me unless it’s essential and was pretty much avoiding me all day. Yesterday evening after the kids were in bed I tried to speak to him about what’s wrong but he wouldn’t talk to me and said he wanted to watch whatever rugby he had put on the tv. Normally I’ll just accept that and try and enjoy watching it too (I like rugby!) but the atmosphere he created was just horrible and I finally just left the room saying that I couldn’t stay in the same room when he was creating such a bad atmosphere and not even talking to me to try and sort whatever it was out. I went up
to our room about 8pm and I’ve not seen him since. He chose to sleep in the living room (I assume) rather than speak to me. That’s a first and has really upset me.

Clearly he has some sort of issue expressing his emotions and it’s not got any better with time (we’ve been married 10 years). I’ve managed very brief conversations with him about how this doesn’t help me understand or help him. His biggest problem seems to be our lack of sex life (once or twice a week). We have an 8 year old and 4 year old twins and very busy lives with work and exercise commitments. He has alluded to he needs more because if he doesn’t get it his mood suffers.

I’m assuming this current period of silent treatment is because I wasn’t feeling great on his birthday so we didn’t have sex and I said we could the next day. Only for him to come up to bed early. And when I came up to join him I cuddled up, a clear indicator that I was open to it and he didn’t even say anything or turn to me. Eventually just shrugged me off. And he’s been in the silent treatment/avoiding me mode ever since.

I’m currently in bed with the kids and can hear him pottering round downstairs. I should probably go and speak to him while the kids are otherwise entertained but I’m so done with the lack of communication and any recognition that the way he is behaving is childish and just driving an even bigger wedge between us.

I know he/we need relationship counselling/therapy but he’s unlikely to agree to that. I’m so stuck on what to do next. I don’t want to separate (mostly we have a fun relationship and he’s good with the kids) I don’t even know how that would work. I can’t move out our family are all far away and I couldn’t get to work/kids to school/nursery and u do not want to do anything that would unsettle them.

Feeling very sad and stuck.

Once or twice a week in your stage of life is not so far an achievement from winning the lottery! And nothing to receive the silent treatment over. No amount of sex is.
The phrase silent treatment says it all - it’s like a techique you might use to train an animal. Deprivation of affection done in order to make another person come around to your way and make them feel on edge.

He doesn’t sound so bad in all other respects? Have you kept out the other ways you feel on edge around him, because this is the problem you most need help with?

I would agree with the others who say you should give no outward sign of hurt or being upset, if you can enter that reverse psychology way of doing things. And those who say this is stonewalling and abusive and to go to counselling.

I would position this as his being extremely stressed out by things he can’t control, not just as abuse. Which he reacts to by trying to control you. And if he is so stressed out by daily life there are other ways of keeping a handle on it.

In short - yuck. Good luck!

Joint counselling is NOT recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Your relationship to him is over, or it should now be, because of the silent treatment aka emotional abuse he metes out to you, and in turn your children.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here?. Do not ever assume they do not realise; they know something is up because they see all your reactions both spoken and unspoken. This is no life for them nor for you.

And NO he is not good with the kids if he is treating you as their mum abusively. What he also shows you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. if you continue to raise your kids in this environment it will affect them markedly, they will end up walking on eggshells too so as to try to not set him off because he is volatile.

He is the epitome of street angel, house devil. It would not surprise me at all if he was all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world. To an abuser image is all important. OP knows the truth re this man and it's down to her what she does with this information. I would advise you OP to plan your exit with due care and attention and seek out support too from the likes of Womens Aid.

Abuse is not a relationship issue; it is about power and control and this man wants absolute over both your kids and you here.

My mother used to use the silent treatment on me when I had displeased her. My XH also used it, if I spoke up for myself or behaved in any way that he deemed 'unsuitable'.

They both had something in common. It wasn't about not communicating, it was about training me to be compliant to their needs and wishes. It wasn't because they didn't want to talk to me for reasons of their own, it was because then I couldn't talk to them.

I divorced my XH and my mother stopped doing it when I made it clear that I 'didn't even notice she wasn't speaking to me' (I did, of course, I just pretended that I didn't). It's abuse. Pure and simple.

He's punishing you for not having sex with him.

OP, on his birthday, when you weren't feeling great, and said to postpone sex, had he not stropped off in a mood, would you have tried to cuddle up to him and initiate sex? Can you see he manipulated you into "giving in" because he didn't get what he wanted?

If he won't have counselling and won't have a conversation with you about the state of your marriage and his behaviour, I'm afraid it doesn't look good. I don't think I could put up with it.

Normally I’ll just accept that [...] He chose to sleep in the living room (I assume) rather than speak to me. That’s a first and has really upset me.
So this time you didn't accept his bullying, but instead spoke up - and so he stepped up the bullying to the next level.

Like another poster above, it sounds to me like your relationship is good as long as you do exactly what he wants. Did I understand it right that you cuddled up and offered him sex even though you were not feeling well, just to try to improve the atmosphere? Do you want the twice-weekly sex too, or do you sometimes/often have sex to improve the atmoshere? Once or twice a week is not a "lack of sex" - is that his phrase, do you really see it that way?

I don’t want to separate (mostly we have a fun relationship and he’s good with the kids) I don’t even know how that would work. I can’t move out our family are all far away and I couldn’t get to work/kids to school/nursery and u do not want to do anything that would unsettle them.
If you don't do something that unsettles them slightly by planning a carefully orchestrated separation and move to a place that suits single parenthood, he's likely to do something that unsettles them more, by having an affair that is "all your fault" due to the "lack of sex", leading to a nightmare atmosphere in their home and a rushed separation/move or you clinging on to the marriage in a bad way. Or if he does not have an affair and "just" steps up the abuse, the children will be considerably unsettled by you being anxious and depressed.

How did you get into this situation of being so dependant on him? Did he insist on it?

Your reasons for not wanting (currently) to separate are quite weak really, there’s nothing about he being good to YOU for instance mainly because he is not.

I wish people would stop suggesting counselling when the woman is being abused.

It’s not some fairytale where he’s a tortured soul who has deep seated issues that need unpicking by a counsellor. His goal is to maintain a position of power and control. It’s not emotional paralysis, it’s coercive control.

Hope you’re ok OP this must all be quite overwhelming to read I don’t think it was what you were expecting.

I feel for you OP. Especially with feelings of being stuck having children and being married for so long. It feels impossible
However, what he is doing with the silent treatment is stonewalling. And it is now recognised as a form of emotional abuse. To reject someone both physically and emotionally, outright ignoring them actually causes the recipient physical pain. He is trying to get his own way by punishing you, and its because you haven't met his needs. How selfish. The only way that you can move forwards with someone like this is with therapy. And him to admit outright that it is unacceptable to ignore you and your subsequent attempts to communicate. If he cannot take responsibility for that behaviour, I really would urge you to reconsider the relationship. This isn't just about you and your feelings, but your children are seeing how you both communicate. And are seeing that it's normal to minimise someone's feelings and not support them.
I wish you all the best OP, sit him down to talk!!