DH & trips away

[Nicetomeetya]

Hi,

I can’t seem to have a conversation with DH of late where he ‘sees’ my POV other than the mean wife stopping him having fun and don’t know where I’m going wrong!

DH went on a stag do abroad later last year for 3 nights and also went on the ‘home’ night out, despite saying he wouldn’t go on that one as DS had a birthday party and he’d agreed he’d stay to look after toddler DD, to save me taking her along too.
DS hated him being away and cried on FaceTime asking him to come home. DH said he’d never go away like that again for a stag.

In a month and a bit, there’s another one coming up, same place, same amount of time and DH booked it up (and has paid) because all his friends were so he ‘needed’ to do it then to be included, despite saying he wasn’t going on another abroad stag. We don’t have any childcare aside from school / nursery twice a week, yet he did that without so much of a discussion with me out of courtesy.

He refuses to discuss it or if he does, it goes down the line of, I’m trying to stop him and it’s one of the stag do’s that’s non negotiable that he goes to. He’s even gone as far as to say DS wouldn’t have been sad with him there as he’d have been distracting him rather than being bored in the house with me moping and accused me of manipulating him into saying he wouldn’t go abroad again, by using DS’ FaceTime upset.

DH and his friends have a group bet for football. For extra ‘Ick’, they’ve gone so far as to create a shared Excel document for their bets and progress. They’ve decided that for their end of season winnings, they’re going to book a lodge/caravan for 3 nights, a couple of months after the stag which DH also wants to go to.
DH is also going abroad for 2 nights between both of those, for his dad’s birthday.

DH keeps saying how we need to start budgeting very closely and carefully and anything I want to do I’m told is too expensive or we’ll have to save and then any further conversation/planning closed off. We don’t have a family holiday booked yet this year and I’m even struggling to get him to agree/help me plan a low key birthday party for DS as he’s saying how expensive it will be.

It’s so frustrating having him booking all these times away, whilst the family come second.

He’s selfish. I would not put up with this penny pinching attitude towards the family whilst attending several trips away himself.

Some people are far too selfish to be a parent, not saying your husband is because i don’t know him but when my ds ( now 21 ) was a baby his dad used to pull stunts like this, buggered off for a week abroad with his mates and left me £20. He was always buying himself things but begrudged me and ds things. I left when he was 2 and never looked back.

How is he as a husband/dad in general?

He won't change. Men like this, do not change.

If you stay then this is what you have - for the duration.

Put yourself and your happiness first, what does happy look like for you? Have a serious think. A happy mum is the best thing for children too.

@Zoflorabore I’m glad things worked out for you - I couldn’t imagine how irritating I would have found being in your situation.

He doesn’t contribute a huge deal to the ‘load’ of family life e.g. meal plans, shopping lists, buying new clothes/when they’re needed etc. For a long time now he seems to have been stuck in a mode where he’ll say something needs doing but can’t seem to make himself do it or things will go on as a ‘to do’ for months so it’s easier if I take charge. Everything is last minute and he wants to be ‘told’ who/what/why/when etc rather than think for himself and just do.
Will fall asleep on the sofa snoring most nights so isn’t much fun once the kids are in bed. Life just feels ‘hard’. Keeping to a routine is impossible it seems and he refused to be the early AM walker of the dogs but the second a friend asked him to start going to the gym with him early AM, he jumped at it. He said that would work because it involved another person to motivate him and once he had his fitness watch, to track steps, he’d be more motivated to walk them. He hasn’t yet 🤯

He's good at being the ‘fun’ person with them but will do anything for an easy life and anything I say I don’t want, he will do and have an angry excuse as to why and will try and fight me on it or give up on something if it’s difficult.

Do you work OP?

He's another man-child who wants the trappings of a family without being a family man.

He won't change so you either make a life of your own with him, make a life of your own without him, or be resentful forever.

He is a gambler. The family will never be a priority. Sorry I know that is awful.

He won’t change.
I hope you have the means to support yourself and your children.

He sounds like a really awful husband.

What's your financial situation actually like? Do you go to work?

Seriously, I'd be looking for a separate life either now or in the near future. He is far too selfish to live with.

He won't change. This is who he is

How dare he book all these trips while asking you to penny pinch. How many trips away with your mates do you have planned? I'm guessing none and the very suggestion would horrify him?

He's selfish and a shit dad and husband. Do you have your own money/,work?

This is total bullshit. And i feel really sorry for you.

So you can't have a trip away, no one can have a family holiday and you get shit if you take the kids to softplay but he can go on a jolly with the boys AND has money to piss down the drain gambling????

This would just be a no from me and he'd been having the conversation whether he wanted it or not.

We don’t have any childcare aside from school / nursery twice a week

In practical terms:

1. based on the above you aren't financially independent. Get back to work so you have more options.
2. find local CMs who babysit / do adhoc stuff (almost all in my area do) and use them.
3. Don't facetime him or let him see or speak to the kids when he is away. Dont play any voicenotes. Dont reference it. The kids will miss him less that way
4. Start thinking about leaving and researching what that entails.
5. If it were me id be on strike - he'd be getting no meals no special food that he likes bought in, no laundry, no errands run and certainly no affection or sex.

I'd be SO SO angry....

That sounds really hard.

I was seeing it as ok for him to go away for a few nights here and there, as I think it’s good to be able to do so. But when you gave the bigger picture, he just sounds very selfish. All about him, sod what is best for everyone else.

on a practical level, it may be better not for DS to FaceTime DH while he’s away. When DH or I are away the kids are usually fine but if we choose to FaceTime it always makes them miss us more. A little bit “out of sight, out of mind”.

I think the time away wouldn't be that unreasonable if he was making sure there was family time and holiday as well, but there isn't so it's very selfish.

It sounds petty, but if he’s telling you to budget, I’d draw up an excel spreadsheet that shows very clear what proportion of the family budget it going on his trips away and his gambling. A separate column for each of those.
I’d also be tempted to draw up a workload spreadsheet.
And I would be looking for a job and childcare because this is not a man to rely on.

Happy to spend money on himself of course!

I think time away is fine as long as you can afford it, and it is equal. So in your situation I would work out how much fun money you both have available, half it and book yourself a few nights away. He cannot have it both ways, you both need equal access to holidays alone. Also he needs to be prepared that say no to his friends.

😑I couldn’t put up with him

Why does he control what you spend your time and money on if you don't control his?
Couples have different approaches to these things obviously but you are allowing him to act like your dad handing out an allowance rather than an equal partner in your marriage.
Don't get me wrong he sounds like a selfish man and you may not get him to stop making his plans bit why on earth are you allowing him to decide there's not enough money / the conversations are closed.
Book your own trips and have your own life.
You're being walked all over here and you deserve much better but you need to stand up and take it, he's has no respect for your role in this relationship so you need to have that respect in yourself

His friends and his life as a single man are much more important to him than you and his children.
You shouldn't have to.put up with this selfish man. You deserve better.

I’d be working out how to get financially independent enough to leave him. No more kids, or bigger house or anything like that. He’s not going to change. Build up your own life and childcare and support. You are effectively single now but paying for his holidays. He’s a dick.

He’s checking out of married life OP and as long as you allow him to he will continue to.
Actions have consequences.
Do you have a job ? Because if this living as a single man continues it will rip your apart.

His behaviour and attitude is shit.

Sot down together and allocate a budget each for treats and agree an amount of time per year you each get away from kids.

Make sure it's equal and whilst you might not want to take time away I honestly would just so he gets the impact you.

I probably do go away more than dh (his choice) but equally I do more of the parenting. we also have an agreement we would go abroad for immediate family/best friends celebrations. Uk weekend away for good friends/extended family and night out for anyone else.

I think going away a few times a year is perfectly normal and healthy behaviour. Everyone needs time away from being a parent and things like stag do’s are a bit like weddings, you kind of do need to attend, if you can afford it, or else you look like a jerk.

But the difference is that YOU also need time away for yourself. I have a least one holiday a year on my own without Dh or dc, sometimes it’s broken into several weekends away.

And there needs to be better accounting for individual and family spending. You each need your own money. None of this just put it all in one pot business. Because then he has his own money for spending on fun and when it’s gone, it’s gone. And you have your money for organising things for yourself. And then you have the family pot where you pay household expenses and for a family holiday. Right now it sounds like he’s just spending the family pot on whatever he wants and that’s not how it’s meant to work.

Do you ever get to go away alone?

My ex husband was exactly as you describe. Stag dos, gym, hobbies, and if as so much asked to lessen the activities, I was controlling despite also working full time and with young children. The selfishness was there pre children but you don’t notice it as you are also able to use your time as you wish. After children, his life stayed the same and mine changed. Marriage ended in infidelity which I think was written on the cards with the above behaviour. It’s not okay OP and I don’t mean to alarm you but the stag dos my ex went on were awful with lots of cheating ☹️

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. Yes I do work, I’m just about to start a new job, full time flexi with WFH options.

I clearly was writing it far too early this morning and wasn’t very clear about childcare, sorry! We have FIL who will come and watch DD on a day she’s not at nursery, in our house but any other childcare options are not there as there’s issues with the other 3 parents. It’s FIL on those days and I’d feel too bad to ask him for other things as he’s awaiting a new knee.

If I say anything he will just say that there’s lots of ‘nights out’ he doesn’t mention or go on so he doesn’t see them a lot. Tries to imply I’m controlling and will say disguised threats like he’s not going to live like that.

At Xmas we’d been on a family day out nearly 2 hours drive away and had another event the next day. His friends decided it was their Xmas jumper pub crawl night on the first evening and instead of just saying he was busy with family things, he told them he’d do both, bearing in mind we’d be getting back late and then have the kids to sort but he expected us to just get home and him go straight out. As it happened, he got in and came over unwell so couldn’t go but tried to say it was because I clearly didn’t want him to.

The whole way back about 5 of them, clearly already very drunk but knowing we were with the kids in the car, all rang him excessive times, leaving voicemails. He told them he was with the kids and to stop but it continued, you wouldn’t think these were men in their 30’s.

I do absolutely agree that you need time away from being a parent but not when you haven’t ensured your family have a holiday sorted first or running the home, like with the dogs. I’ve asked him for months to walk them first thing but I’ve had every excuse such as it’s too early. The second his friend asked him to join the gym, leaving home very early AM, he’s all over that.

I don’t get any time for me but he insists he would LOVE me to do those things and he’d be more than happy to have the children. Feel like bluff calling!