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Original poster

DH & trips away

32 replies

Nicetomeetya · 19/01/2025 02:49

Hi,

I can’t seem to have a conversation with DH of late where he ‘sees’ my POV other than the mean wife stopping him having fun and don’t know where I’m going wrong!

DH went on a stag do abroad later last year for 3 nights and also went on the ‘home’ night out, despite saying he wouldn’t go on that one as DS had a birthday party and he’d agreed he’d stay to look after toddler DD, to save me taking her along too.
DS hated him being away and cried on FaceTime asking him to come home. DH said he’d never go away like that again for a stag.

In a month and a bit, there’s another one coming up, same place, same amount of time and DH booked it up (and has paid) because all his friends were so he ‘needed’ to do it then to be included, despite saying he wasn’t going on another abroad stag. We don’t have any childcare aside from school / nursery twice a week, yet he did that without so much of a discussion with me out of courtesy.

He refuses to discuss it or if he does, it goes down the line of, I’m trying to stop him and it’s one of the stag do’s that’s non negotiable that he goes to. He’s even gone as far as to say DS wouldn’t have been sad with him there as he’d have been distracting him rather than being bored in the house with me moping and accused me of manipulating him into saying he wouldn’t go abroad again, by using DS’ FaceTime upset.

DH and his friends have a group bet for football. For extra ‘Ick’, they’ve gone so far as to create a shared Excel document for their bets and progress. They’ve decided that for their end of season winnings, they’re going to book a lodge/caravan for 3 nights, a couple of months after the stag which DH also wants to go to.
DH is also going abroad for 2 nights between both of those, for his dad’s birthday.

DH keeps saying how we need to start budgeting very closely and carefully and anything I want to do I’m told is too expensive or we’ll have to save and then any further conversation/planning closed off. We don’t have a family holiday booked yet this year and I’m even struggling to get him to agree/help me plan a low key birthday party for DS as he’s saying how expensive it will be.

It’s so frustrating having him booking all these times away, whilst the family come second.

OP posts:

AlertCat · 19/01/2025 12:56

You’re already single parenting and subbing him to live like a child free single man. What does he bring to your lives that is worth the sacrifices you’re all making?

(him penny pinching for you lot while ensuring he gets to do what he wants is really grim, IMO. Ditto going to the gym but not being arsed to walk the dogs. Big nope.)

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 19/01/2025 13:01

Nicetomeetya · 19/01/2025 12:44

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. Yes I do work, I’m just about to start a new job, full time flexi with WFH options.

I clearly was writing it far too early this morning and wasn’t very clear about childcare, sorry! We have FIL who will come and watch DD on a day she’s not at nursery, in our house but any other childcare options are not there as there’s issues with the other 3 parents. It’s FIL on those days and I’d feel too bad to ask him for other things as he’s awaiting a new knee.

If I say anything he will just say that there’s lots of ‘nights out’ he doesn’t mention or go on so he doesn’t see them a lot. Tries to imply I’m controlling and will say disguised threats like he’s not going to live like that.

At Xmas we’d been on a family day out nearly 2 hours drive away and had another event the next day. His friends decided it was their Xmas jumper pub crawl night on the first evening and instead of just saying he was busy with family things, he told them he’d do both, bearing in mind we’d be getting back late and then have the kids to sort but he expected us to just get home and him go straight out. As it happened, he got in and came over unwell so couldn’t go but tried to say it was because I clearly didn’t want him to.

The whole way back about 5 of them, clearly already very drunk but knowing we were with the kids in the car, all rang him excessive times, leaving voicemails. He told them he was with the kids and to stop but it continued, you wouldn’t think these were men in their 30’s.

I do absolutely agree that you need time away from being a parent but not when you haven’t ensured your family have a holiday sorted first or running the home, like with the dogs. I’ve asked him for months to walk them first thing but I’ve had every excuse such as it’s too early. The second his friend asked him to join the gym, leaving home very early AM, he’s all over that.

I don’t get any time for me but he insists he would LOVE me to do those things and he’d be more than happy to have the children. Feel like bluff calling!

Definitely time to call his bluff OP, book yourself a three night trip today!! Agree with pp he's really selfish and it's time to find your anger and stop enabling him. Good luck OP you've got this

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/01/2025 13:01

He’s acting like he’s a single man. Are his friends all single or do their wives/partners tolerate this bullshit like you are?

MyNewLife2025 · 19/01/2025 13:40

I’d start by agreeing with him re budgeting and actually calculate how money he is spending on stag do, pub crawl, new watch etc….
Something in black and white that he can’t argue about.

Id also demand and take (not ask) the same amount of time out.
So he is away on a 3 days stag do? Great. You take 3 days for yourself. Away from home and be deals with the dcs, childcare etc….

As some PP said, he is acting like he is still a single man wo children. Probably matching ‘the vibe’ of his still childless friends.

He needs to wake up. Quick.
Because it’s clear you’re frustrated and ressentful (with good reasons!) and that is killing your marriage together.

Im pretty sure you’ve already had plenty of chats together.
Vut I’m wondering if it feels like he is capable of taking responsibility at all in the situation.

socks1107 · 19/01/2025 13:53

My ex dh behaved like this, including the gambling. He spent money we didn't have on holidays with the boys ( even that saying makes my skin crawl) and he never changed.
I gave him an ultimatum one year. He chose the third weekend away and I mentally checked out then left him six months later

LilacRaven · 19/01/2025 13:59

MyNewLife2025 · 19/01/2025 13:40

I’d start by agreeing with him re budgeting and actually calculate how money he is spending on stag do, pub crawl, new watch etc….
Something in black and white that he can’t argue about.

Id also demand and take (not ask) the same amount of time out.
So he is away on a 3 days stag do? Great. You take 3 days for yourself. Away from home and be deals with the dcs, childcare etc….

As some PP said, he is acting like he is still a single man wo children. Probably matching ‘the vibe’ of his still childless friends.

He needs to wake up. Quick.
Because it’s clear you’re frustrated and ressentful (with good reasons!) and that is killing your marriage together.

Im pretty sure you’ve already had plenty of chats together.
Vut I’m wondering if it feels like he is capable of taking responsibility at all in the situation.

I agree with this. Good advice about the budgeting. If my husband spent money on trips abroad for himself but them didn't book anything for our kids that would be deal breaker for me.

It's his sense of entitlement that's so ick.

HollyBelleT · 19/01/2025 14:52

My ex used to say the same: I wish you went away with the girls, had nights out etc. I did have coffee dates and so on but he almost belittled me for not going away but the reality was that I couldn’t have as he played his hobbies every weekend and I worked full time. He also used to when I did go away for a day for example, ensure that my return home was agonising. Children would be upset, not sleeping, a calm unity would have occurred. This type of man is not cut out for family life at all. The last thing I said to the OW was good luck and I meant it. How one thinks they are getting a reliable and loving man when they have watched him destroy the one thing he promised to protect baffles me. But OP, you and your children deserve more.

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