I want another baby. She doesn’t.

[babysharkx]

Feel like I need some advice from people that have experienced this on either side.

I’ll start by saying we are in a same-sex marriage. We have two children.. a three year old and a 9 month old. She carried our first using her egg. I carried our second using mine. We always discussed the possibility of a third in a few years time. It was never a definite but lots of conversations we had made it sound like a very strong possibility. Our children were conceived via IVF and we have spare embryos in the freezer (3 her eggs, 2 mine). We agreed I would carry her embryo if ever there was a third.

We would have to change a lot if we had another baby.. we’d need a bigger car. Our house is only 3 bedroom. Obviously I know it makes it harder booking things and financially things would be more difficult. But my heart isn’t done. I never had it in our head that the baby we’ve just had would be our last. I feel devastated at the thought of never doing it again.

Since our son was born my wife has done a complete 180 and said definitely not to a third child. But if anything since we’ve had him it’s made my desire for another even stronger.

We are both just on completely different pages. I know it’s hard with 2 young children so our relationship has took a backseat recently. I’m not saying it’s been a walk in the park. But it seems even though I’m the one who went through all the pregnancy and postpartum side this time she’s the one who’s found the adjustment hard.

I’m just not sure where we go from here. I feel like no matter what happens one of us is going to end up resenting the other. And even if she agrees I wouldn’t feel right bringing a child into the world that wasn’t 100% wanted. Obviously to get pregnant we have to go through fertility treatment so it’s not like it could ever happen accidentally we both have to be set on the fact that’s what we want.

is there a way to get past this?

Personally, I think the person who doesn't want another child is the one who gets final say.

If you decide to force the issue, then you risk doing unrepairable harm to your relationship, and that's going to have a massive effect of the children you already have.

I get that. I just don’t know if I can find a way to be okay with it.

Hey OP, my children have the same age gap. When my youngest was 9 months old I desperately wanted a third. I dreamed of it. She was such a good baby, me and DH are both the third child of three. All the considerations (bigger car, expensive holidays) didn’t matter to me.

Now my youngest is three, I do NOT want a third!!!!

I would give it time, wait for your youngest to become a toddler, and see how you feel. Hormones will be playing a big part. Having school-aged children brings different challenges, so wait until you’re there to decide.

This! Give it some time. A 9 month old is not half as difficult as having two young ones demanding your attention. It’s too early to plan in my opinion, just give it time

Your youngest is only 9 months old. I think you need to shelve this for a good few years yet, and focus on the children you have now.

Maybe your wife is struggling with attachment to your second child because she wasn't the pregnant mum, and is worried about that happening again? It's worth having a really honest and open conversation about how you both feel now, and how you plan to centre your relationship moving forwards. If your relationship isn't solid, the whole ship goes down.

I would definitely give it some time and leave the conversation open. Your 9 month old is so young so just focus on being the family you are for a while. It can take such an adjustment and affect parents in different ways (as I’m sure you already know!).
I know you went through being the non birthing parent already so have some idea how difficult that can be. Perhaps she is finding this new role difficult and needs time to get used to it all? (I say this as the birthing parent of my partner’s donor embryos. And seeing how hard it could be for my partner sometimes when she adjusted to her role).
Best of luck to you both… time and open conversation hopefully will help!

If you had a third child, how do you know that you would not want another, and another?

I dont think you get past it.
You grieve. You grieve for the child you thought you would have. For the family of 3 dcs you thought you’d have. You grieve a future and hopes.
And then, with time, things settle down.

It’s easier if your partner can appreciate that (dh didn’t. Couldn’t get his head around the idea you could grieve a child that never existed).

The same than for most women I imagine? It just feels right?

I think feeling broody again might largely be hormonally driven and may pass.

How about you give it a year or two and then re-open the conversation if you still feel the same?

You don't want a third schoolkid / teenager / adult. With all the baggage and at times trauma they can bring with them.

You want a third baby. And they don't stay those lovely, gooey babies for long. It's a responsibility that lasts a lifetime.

Enjoy the baby you have now. Rushing headfirst into wanting another one is absolute madness when he's so small. Enjoy the time you have now and if you still feel the same when he's out of the best stages (( the easy days )) then have a rethink then.

How much do you want this? Enough to split up and go ahead? You have two embryos that are yours, so if you want another baby more than anything else you could use of those to get pregnant.

Otherwise, I agree that the one that doesn't want to expand the family gets the final say. It's not fair on them or the potential baby to do anything else.

That's not necessarily true, I wanted my babies for all of it and was actually more excited about them being older than the baby stage..

And this ^

I never wanted a third, but when our 2nd was a baby (very easy, slept through very early on, fed well, sweet-natured, etc), for a while I did entertain dreams of a third. My kids are teens now and I'm bloody glad we didn't have a third! Teens are hard work and OMG the expense!!

Is your partner struggling because compared to the child she carried the bond for her isn't as strong?

I think it's really common to feel incredibly broody when you have a baby.
Revisit this conversation in another year and see if you feel differently.
Sometimes you have to agree that you can't agree. And usually this means no baby or no relationship.
I wanted another, DH didn't. We didn't have another.
It was hard to accept and I considered going it alone.
The decision got easier to live with over time and I now think it was almost certainly the best decision for our DD.

I agree with PP, your youngest is only 9 months so it's very early days. Maybe she's just still getting used to having 2 DC and you're talking about a 3rd! It's a lot.
When I was pregnant with DD2 my DH was talking about a 3rd and I just couldn't even deal with thinking about it. I then got a bit broody when DD2 was around 12 months but DH was dead against it because all of the practical reasons you mentioned in your post. I'm actually really glad we stopped at 2 now for one thing because the toddler stage with DD2 was hard work. I also just never felt like it was the right time to try again after that one period of being broody.
I think you have time to deal with this and shelve the discussion for a little while. At the end of the day I think the partner who doesn't want another gets the final say and you will need to focus on the 2 DC you do have x

You've got two children and a loving marriage (presumably). You've got more than a lot of people have. You need to work this out and find a way to be happy with what you've got. Life isn't 'fair' and nobody gets everything they want especially around children and families, so it's on you to practice gratitude and maybe seek some counselling to help you come to terms with not having another child. It's beyond unfair to resent a partner for not wanting another child, especially when you've already got 2 (and were able to carry one, which I know can be a sore spot in some lesbian relationships)

Or she's just not addled by hormones this time around. Most women are broody in the year after they give birth and for most it wears off.

I felt incredibly broody when my second was 9 months. She 4 now and I still feel a pang when someone else is pregnant especially if it’s their third but Im finding two enough now.
The broodiness did last a few years and it was tough going. I really had to focus on enjoying what I had already. I don’t think my wanting a third will ever go away entirely but I think there are many women who feel the same

But if you have a third, how do you know you won't feel the same about a fourth? And a fifth?

Your relationship is good, you already have the embryos - which I think last 50 years? - so there's no rush to make a decision right now. You didn't say how old you are but a surrogate could always be an option. So never say never, she might change her mind again in the future if she's changed it before.

@Autumn1990 I was broody as when my second was a baby even though I'd found having my first very, very hard. It faded once I was out of the baby stage and now he's 7 I am very glad that I had non-hormonally-addled DH to say a flat no. So there's hope yet 😉

“You've got two children and a loving marriage (presumably). You've got more than a lot of people have. You need to work this out and find a way to be happy with what you've got. Life isn't 'fair' and nobody gets everything they want especially around children and families, so it's on you to practice gratitude and maybe seek some counselling to help you come to terms with not having another child. It's beyond unfair to resent a partner for not wanting another child, especially when you've already got 2 (and were able to carry one, which I know can be a sore spot in some lesbian relationships)”

This with bells on. Value what you have. I know a number of couples who had hoped to have 2 and, for a range of reasons, were only able to have 1.

Plus it’s likely to be strongly hormonal, at least in part.

Unlike many couples I know (in the sense that we agreed), DH and I embarked on parenthood agreeing that we would try for 3 and, after we had been parents for a short while, agreed that we wanted to stop at 2. You’ve listed a number of ways in which 2 is easier than 3 and that reasoning prevailed for us.

Even despite that, there was still an emotional process and a yearning to go through as I approached menopause and realised my fertility window was closing. It is an emotional thing to realise you won’t carry another baby. And I was intermittently curious about whether the third would have been a boy or a girl and what they would have been like. But I have never regretted the decision. It was right for us.

If you end your relationship over this, you’re actually telling your current DCs that they are not enough for you. That it’s so important for you to have another child that you will shatter their family life to get it. You’re a parent now - it’s not just about you; it’s about your family unit as well. And I’m sure you don’t really feel like your current family is not enough.

Not my experience at all.

I also wanted a 3rd. Not pg hormones. This is what I was hoping for when we got married. Like the OP seeing that they had discussed that possibility before hand.
My DCs weren’t easy babies. One had undiagnosed milk allergy and was miserable for about 1 year until he started solid and I realised what was going on.
The other didn’t sleep and was very sensitive (turns out he is on the spectrum).
But my teens were easy and amazing tbh. Much easier than babies.

But more to the point, I didn’t want a 3rd for a baby. I wanted a person. A baby that would grow into a toddler, then a child and an adult.
I had visions of a 3rd child for Avery long time. Sometimes hitting me in very weird ways. Not in a ‘oh I so wish I had another’ but being sat at a cafe and suddenly having the feeling there was a 3rd child with us and it felt right. Followed by the realisation it was just a mind trick. And yet that feeling something was missing stayed there for years.

I find a lot of the responses very dismissive of the OP’s feelings.
Its ok for her to want another child, despite the potential struggles.
Its ok for her to wonder how to get over it/struggle with those feelings.
And yes some women leave their partner for the hope of another child. Because That’s more important for them.
All of that is ok.
I don’t think dismissing it as ‘just hormones’, an expression usually used to shut women by telling them they’re irrational and too emotional is right.

Your baby is only 9 months old. It's a little crazy to be speaking of "getting past" wanting a 3rd when your 2nd is still a little baby. Park it and revisit in a year or two.