I want another baby. She doesn’t.

[babysharkx]

Feel like I need some advice from people that have experienced this on either side.

I’ll start by saying we are in a same-sex marriage. We have two children.. a three year old and a 9 month old. She carried our first using her egg. I carried our second using mine. We always discussed the possibility of a third in a few years time. It was never a definite but lots of conversations we had made it sound like a very strong possibility. Our children were conceived via IVF and we have spare embryos in the freezer (3 her eggs, 2 mine). We agreed I would carry her embryo if ever there was a third.

We would have to change a lot if we had another baby.. we’d need a bigger car. Our house is only 3 bedroom. Obviously I know it makes it harder booking things and financially things would be more difficult. But my heart isn’t done. I never had it in our head that the baby we’ve just had would be our last. I feel devastated at the thought of never doing it again.

Since our son was born my wife has done a complete 180 and said definitely not to a third child. But if anything since we’ve had him it’s made my desire for another even stronger.

We are both just on completely different pages. I know it’s hard with 2 young children so our relationship has took a backseat recently. I’m not saying it’s been a walk in the park. But it seems even though I’m the one who went through all the pregnancy and postpartum side this time she’s the one who’s found the adjustment hard.

I’m just not sure where we go from here. I feel like no matter what happens one of us is going to end up resenting the other. And even if she agrees I wouldn’t feel right bringing a child into the world that wasn’t 100% wanted. Obviously to get pregnant we have to go through fertility treatment so it’s not like it could ever happen accidentally we both have to be set on the fact that’s what we want.

is there a way to get past this?

If one person doesn’t want another DC, that’s it. You accept it, or move on.

I wonder whether this is made harder by the knowledge that those ‘babies’ already exist in the form of embryos that are always there at the back of your mind.
I don’t know the logistics but assume you will need to make a decision about them at some point as they won’t be stored forever. I’ve had IVF and know how hard won those embryos are. It must be hard to let go.
But I agree with am the others. Children should ideally have the support of two parents so you need to respect your wife’s position and enjoy the two younger for now.

I don’t think dismissing it as ‘just hormones’, an expression usually used to shut women by telling them they’re irrational and too emotional is right.

I don't think the intention is to be dismissive.

The reality is, that hormones do play a part in how we feel 'though. It takes a couple of years for your body to get back to "normal" after having a child.

It doesn't mean how OP feels isn't real or that she doesn't have a right to feel disappointed if the plan was 3 and now her spouse has changed her mind.

But it's 9 months after having a baby - it's in the thick of it with the demands and exhaustion and yes hormones - they both may feel differently in a year or two.

You've got two children and a loving marriage (presumably). You've got more than a lot of people have. You need to work this out and find a way to be happy with what you've got. Life isn't 'fair' and nobody gets everything they want especially around children and families, so it's on you to practice gratitude

OP, print this out and stick it to your fridge 🙂

I think that's very selfish honestly. You've got a partner and two children and you want to throw away your family unit just so you can have another baby?

I don't mean to be harsh, but the only other option is to break up your marriage, which would have a devastating affect on your existing children. They are the priority here, not your desire for a third child, so you are just going to have to make your peace with it.

Completely agree with this. Your existing children should be your priority, not the desire for another baby.

This, sadly. Id have had a third until my ds was around 2, but then the feeling passed.

a family of 4 to 5 is also not just a slight financial step, it is a huge leap. We used to have a relative‘s small child every weekend and some of the holidays, and booking anything for 5 was significantly more expensive. It could even double the price. We have a four bed house so daily space isnt the issue but our main car is just not big enough. This christmas we wanted to take him with us on our christmas break but the price literally doubled. Normally when we go away for breaks i just dont take my husband, so we are still a four.

your options are leave your marriage and have shared care of your existing children to have a third 100% of the time, building resentment in your existing children and reducing their stability. Or get past the emotional desire for a third.

I think you have to try and make peace with it. If you are happy now and you have two healthy happy children, how wonderful is that? You don’t want to let your desire for a third dominate or jeopardise what you have. I do understand, I wanted a second child, but it was not to be so I understand the longing.

You could always have some counselling to help you come to terms with it.

But it seems even though I’m the one who went through all the pregnancy and postpartum side this time she’s the one who’s found the adjustment hard.

Could this be exactly why she’s found it hard? She carried the first and had all the biological connection and ups and downs. The second time you did and so it would have been a very different experience for her. As such, she’s closed the door on the option of a third, whereas your biological experience has kept the door wide open.

As others have said, he or she who says no, has the final say.

Thank you everyone who has given advice and I appreciate the ones that have done it without judgement. It may be selfish but I can’t help the way that I feel.

I think I’m finding it so hard because as I say up until recently the conversations very much pointed towards the fact we would have another baby. It’s how I imagined our life. If that door was closed it would’ve helped me process it more if I’d known our son would be our last baby. But I get she’s only just made her mind up recently.

It’s possible that hormones are playing a part. We had a discussion about it yesterday and I basically cried all day after. I didn’t realise I felt so strongly about the whole thing until recently either so maybe hormones are magnifying things.

It might be that she’s found it hard being the non-birthing parent this time round. She doesn’t talk about her feelings much and it’s really hard to get her to open up. I REALLY struggled the first time with being the non-birthing mum. I didn’t struggle with bonding with our daughter or anything like that…we’ve always had an amazing bond. But I felt a lot of envy as I always wanted to experience pregnancy and then she got the majority of the maternity leave etc. She had a really hard pregnancy and traumatic birth and when I was pregnant this brought up a lot of trauma for her surrounding giving birth that she never dealt with.

I know it seems soon to be discussing this topic given we’ve got a 9 month old but I think the fact we’ve got embryos is part of it. We’re currently paying £800 a year just to store them so if it’s gonna be never it seems like such a waste. There’s even less chance we’d use mine but I’m reluctant to destroy them after what I went through to create them. I was a poor responder and my cycle almost got cancelled because of it. I only had 4 eggs collected and by some miracle 3 of them became embryos. I worry I’d never be able to create any again if I needed to. I’m in my early 30s FYI

Ultimately I wouldn’t break my family up over this. My existing children are my priority.. they’re my whole world and I am so grateful we have them. I would never want them to feel like they’re not enough. I was more looking for advice on how to deal with it from people that have been through it. I don’t want to end up resenting her because I know that isn’t fair. But it is hard because I can’t imagine being okay with it even though I will need to find a way to be.

I seriously hope I’m just like some of you and I have a complete change of heart in a couple of years when our baby is a toddler. My wife said to me earlier ‘do you think in a few years if I still dont want another baby you’ll wanna be with someone else’ and I said of course not but we would talk when the kids were in bed.

Where are your embryos that you're paying £800 a year to store?! We're only paying £300 a year to store ours!

Frustratingly it’s because they were created during different cycles from different eggs so they are stored separately and we’re charged two £400 fees. We’ve asked if they can be stored together and we can just pay the one fee and they’ve said no even though the embryos belong to both of us. Makes no sense.

You both need to leave it a while.

Get past the sleepless nights stage, let your eldest get to school and then maybe your dp will feel less pressurised. And you need time for that wave of hormones to pass. Let the finances settle too.

Think about it again in 2 years.

Absolutely agree with this. I wanted 1 more dh was done. So we stuck woth thenl much loved children we had. They are in their 20s now I am post meno pause but I nevee got past that "wanting one more" ita a grief process you eventually get used to living with. Like you say op. You cant both get your way here.

For now however I would shelve it for 1 year then revisit and have a conversation about it.

I have 3 little darlings, 17, 18, 19.

Stick with 2 and give them the best of what you've got.