What would you do?

[ok1992]

So long story short, I found out my husband had been cheating on me, I took him back, he promised to go counselling, I would know his pin to his phone when he got a new one.

That was in march last year fast forward to now and he has not done any of those things. Granted he is home pretty much other than work.

But I think about what he has done everyday, during sex even.

I've mentioned the counselling a lot to him and all he says to me is he will go. But he hasn't. I know counselling isn't something you should push on someone unless they are ready .
But it's been a year. How much longer ?

My work friend uses an app called life 360 with her daughter , basically it's a tracking app.

I've spoke to him about this app and his response to me was I know where he is and if I say I don't know where he is and worry about where he is then that's a problem I have to deal with on my own.

That comment literally threw me over the edge, how dare he say I have to deal with my trust issues for him on my own. When he has caused all this.

So my question is can this person really change? is the last comment quite a narcissist thing to say? will he ever go counselling?
I am literally wasting my years on this man ?
I am being crazy for suggesting this tracking app ?

There are a couple of problems here. First your husband isn't willing to do the work. That would involve transparency and doing what it takes to help you both move on.

Second, you don't trust him and yes, using a tracking app is ridiculous. What's the point in the marriage if he can't be bothered and you don't trust him?

You might find the website Surviving Infidelity helpful.

Thank you, I will take a look

I must add though, his version of transparency is not going out like his used to. And just going work, Which I do give him credit for. But he also cheated on me when he claimed to be at work.

So him saying to me he is going to work for overtime, how am I supposed to believe he is truly at work .

What would I do? Leave! You dont trust him and he isn't willing to do what he said he would. No way to live.

I agree. It’s as simple as that. I wish you a happier future, OP.

He doesn't think you'd leave him.

OP, he could get a burner phone if he wants to cheat and you already know he can cheat at work. Bill Clinton ran a superpower yet still found the time for a sex addiction. If your husband wants to cheat, he'll find a way.

He needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to work on the marriage and your side of the bargain is to take a leap of faith and try to move on.

Neither of you are attempting to move past this. You can't brush such monumental betrayal under the carpet.

There's no dignity in tracking his every move and checking his pockets. If he's not prepared to do the work then this isn't going to work.

I think you have to accept your marriage is basically over.
If he felt genuine remorse about what he had done he would do anything and everything he could to regain your trust & respect. But he isn't.

I don't think it's healthy for a relationship to monitor someone's every move. Tracking him would not give you peace but would make you constantly suspicious & that's no way to live. He should be giving you peace by being open & honest and putting in the effort to repair the damage he has done, nothing else wil work.

If I was you I would start making plans and decisions about what life would look like without him. He is not showing you love or respect & you deserve better than this.

He’s not a narcissist based on what you’ve said.

He won’t go to counselling unless he wants to. Is it couples counselling you’ve suggested? Go ahead and book a session. Either he turns up or doesn’t and you have an answer about how committed he is to repairing your relationship.

Wanting the PIN for his phone so you can check his messages and call log and wanting to put a tracker on him are not reasonable suggestions. People have the right to freedom and autonomy even after they’ve broken trust. Rebuilding trust is a leap of faith, not a tracking device and nightly reviews of his WhatsApp history.

I do slightly agree with him that your trust issues are yours to deal with. He can be a faithful husband going forward but you need to learn to trust him again. After an affair, it isn’t uncommon for trust issues to ultimately destroy the relationship. They don’t allow anyone to move on. You need help for this counselling. The couples counselling would help, but if he won’t go then you need to press ahead with sessions just for you.

Reading through your post and you get flashbacks of him unfaithful. Please also get some counselling for yourself.

I too believe he is unlikely to change or do the work. Just turning it around, he has been caught, he fucked up and yet no consequences.

He knows you’re not going to leave. It’s been a year and as far as he’s concerned, it’s in the past. His opinion - if you’re bothered by something from the past, that’s your problem.

So. If you’re happy with this, it carries on. If you’re not happy, you will need to make a change. Because he’s going to carry on with life as it is - he doesn’t see a problem now, it’s in the past.

As far as your dh is concerned he doesn’t have to face consequences, there are none because you didn’t enforce them right away.
And now whether he’s cheating or not as far as he’s concerned he’s moved on and so should you.
What would I do?
I’d dress up once a week and go out ( hobby or girlfriends ) and when he asks you where you’re going be vague. If he’s suspicious and starts asking questions tell him if he worries about where you’re are that’s his problem to deal with on his own.

Playing games intended to upset and destabilise your partner probably aren’t a good solution if you’re hoping to save your marriage.

Thank you everybody for your words. It's does help to put things in perspective.

It wasn't me that suggested counselling, when I found out about his cheating, he said it to me. And about me knowing his phone pin.

That's the reason I gave him another chance, because I thought he was serious about things,

The counselling was for him to get help and me maybe join in a session .

I even went to the effort to look for councillors. Then I thought why I am doing that when that is something he should be doing.

He’s got no intention of doing counselling, he just said that to stop you kicking his cheating lying are out hoping you’d forget and get over it.

And now he’s seeing there’s no consequences to his cheating and as far as he’s concerned it’s all in the past and you should let it go.

This isn’t a way to live OP - is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

Yes, obviously it's been a year now and nothing so it's clear he was never going to do counselling .

And no, it's not how I want to live anymore, that's why I'm looking at ways I can get out.

He's wasted 6 years of my life. I can't let him waste any more of my time.

I never asked for any of this. Yet I'm the one being punished by his actions. I'm the one that has lost my confidence and according to him have to deal with me wondering if he actually is where he says he is on my own.

OP, this sounds a very stressful situation for you. I believe if he's not prepared to be totally transparent and willing to do everything to reassure you then you won't get over this. It sounds like he thinks it's in the past and you should just get over it. But it's not in the past for you if you are still having flashbacks about the affair a year on. I think it might help you to start with counselling for yourself to help you make a decision about your future.

Agree with most of the PP, neither of these things is reasonable.

He isn’t willing / able to give you the reassurance and stability you are seeking. So he doesn’t respect you or the fact you e been willing to give it another go.

You wanting to put a tracking app on his phone is crackers and not okay.

I’m not a believer in accessing each other’s phones, but I do believe you should be able to ask questions of each other and have faith the other isn’t Billy BSing, which it doesn’t sound like you can do.

The dynamic of your relationship is off and unhealthy …. if you want to fix it then it will take a whole lot of work. Joint marriage counselling may help.

I know couples who have the tracking app as standard.
He should be totally transparent, not dismissing his promises to you... He must do the work to plant the seeds of trust then carry on rebuilding that trust with repetitive trust worthy behaviour.

Why do they have the app as standard? Trust issues or safety? The intention is what’s important here.

You’ll never be able to trust him again and he won’t go to counselling or do anything differently because as far as he’s concerned he got away with it all with next to no consequences and it’s in the past now.

Even if you threaten to leave and he then goes to counselling or starts to up his game or whatever it’s all temporary just to shut you up.

If you stay with him you’re resigning yourself to years of suspicion and misery. Life is too short and there’s a better life out there either single or with a better man.

I think you need to honestly think about why you continued in the relationship. What made you decide that it was worth it to you?
Why do you want him to go to counselling?
What difference do you think it will make?
Counselling is a proactive process- even if he goes but then doesn’t engage fully then it is pointless
At the end of the day if you are in a relationship with someone who is not trustworthy then it’s no surprise that you can’t trust him

It's not important to me. I don't make grandiose judgements on my friends relationships. It's rude.
They have the app for practical reasons and some for rebuilding trust.
In real life not everyone wants to liquidate their life because of marital issues such as cheating.....

I never asked for any of this. Yet I'm the one being punished by his actions. I'm the one that has lost my confidence and according to him have to deal with me wondering if he actually is where he says he is on my own.
Unfortunately, I think this is the case in a lot of relationships. Slowly but surely controlling men erode women's self esteem. They bring drama and chaos and don't take responsibility for their actions. Women end up resentful and frustrated, then they have the audacity to say 'you've changed'. Or in your case OP - 'deal with it on your own'. What bullshit. Trust your gut. x