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Original poster

What would you do?

33 replies

ok1992 · 18/01/2025 08:21

So long story short, I found out my husband had been cheating on me, I took him back, he promised to go counselling, I would know his pin to his phone when he got a new one.

That was in march last year fast forward to now and he has not done any of those things. Granted he is home pretty much other than work.

But I think about what he has done everyday, during sex even.

I've mentioned the counselling a lot to him and all he says to me is he will go. But he hasn't. I know counselling isn't something you should push on someone unless they are ready .
But it's been a year. How much longer ?

My work friend uses an app called life 360 with her daughter , basically it's a tracking app.

I've spoke to him about this app and his response to me was I know where he is and if I say I don't know where he is and worry about where he is then that's a problem I have to deal with on my own.

That comment literally threw me over the edge, how dare he say I have to deal with my trust issues for him on my own. When he has caused all this.

So my question is can this person really change? is the last comment quite a narcissist thing to say? will he ever go counselling?
I am literally wasting my years on this man ?
I am being crazy for suggesting this tracking app ?

OP posts:
NeurospicyMummy · 18/01/2025 18:57

I hope you get some clarity on the situation OP. It’s really awful what he did and he’s shown you can’t rely on him to keep any promises, let alone marriage vows. Please leave, and please update us when you’re free x

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 21:54

Madamegreen · 18/01/2025 18:33

It's not important to me. I don't make grandiose judgements on my friends relationships. It's rude.
They have the app for practical reasons and some for rebuilding trust.
In real life not everyone wants to liquidate their life because of marital issues such as cheating.....

Show quote history

I don’t think grandiose was the word you were looking for.

You are telling the OP that it’s standard to carry out 24 hour surveillance on your partner. It isn’t and it’s not healthy. Using technology to keep tabs on a partner replaces trust, it doesn’t rebuild it. What happens if his phone dies or he needs to turn it off or there’s a problem with the network and she can’t track him - does she collapse it a pit of despair?

I didn’t suggest the OP ends the relationship in my post to her; I said she needs to work on her trust issues before they damage what remains of the relationship.

Madamegreen · 18/01/2025 22:14

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 21:54

I don’t think grandiose was the word you were looking for.

You are telling the OP that it’s standard to carry out 24 hour surveillance on your partner. It isn’t and it’s not healthy. Using technology to keep tabs on a partner replaces trust, it doesn’t rebuild it. What happens if his phone dies or he needs to turn it off or there’s a problem with the network and she can’t track him - does she collapse it a pit of despair?

I didn’t suggest the OP ends the relationship in my post to her; I said she needs to work on her trust issues before they damage what remains of the relationship.

Show quote history

I know exactly what I was saying and why I said it...
No I didn't say it was standard. I said some couples use the app.
Is that clear enough for you???

The trust issue is a joint endeavour to be undertaken by both parties. He isn't doing anything other than minimising and dismissively avoiding all attempts at restoring trust damaged wholly and only by him...

TipsyJoker · 18/01/2025 22:23

He’s a pig. You can do better. Leave him. Move on. This is no good for you. Do counselling for yourself. He’s a lost cause and he will cheat on you again is he isn’t already.

StormingNorman · 18/01/2025 22:36

Madamegreen · 18/01/2025 22:14

I know exactly what I was saying and why I said it...
No I didn't say it was standard. I said some couples use the app.
Is that clear enough for you???

The trust issue is a joint endeavour to be undertaken by both parties. He isn't doing anything other than minimising and dismissively avoiding all attempts at restoring trust damaged wholly and only by him...

Show quote history

Some couples have the tracking app as standard.

Your words. There is nothing standard about putting your partner under surveillance.

My opinions are not impressive or pretentious, nor are they more imposing than anyone else who’s put forward a view. I just happen to believe that trust can only be built up organically. Using technology replaces trust and isn’t helpful in the long term.

Madamegreen · 19/01/2025 09:23

Just to clarify, I mentioned that I know couples who use these types of apps as a tool to help manage their household. That does not imply that all couples have or should have these apps.

As for rebuilding trust, an open phone policy or whatever the other needs including apps to feel safe and rebuild trust is a common practical step mediators recommend for rebuilding trust. I also didn't mention a time limit.

The ops partner has done nothing-the op wants action not organic.

RedRock41 · 19/01/2025 09:29

ok1992 · 18/01/2025 08:21

So long story short, I found out my husband had been cheating on me, I took him back, he promised to go counselling, I would know his pin to his phone when he got a new one.

That was in march last year fast forward to now and he has not done any of those things. Granted he is home pretty much other than work.

But I think about what he has done everyday, during sex even.

I've mentioned the counselling a lot to him and all he says to me is he will go. But he hasn't. I know counselling isn't something you should push on someone unless they are ready .
But it's been a year. How much longer ?

My work friend uses an app called life 360 with her daughter , basically it's a tracking app.

I've spoke to him about this app and his response to me was I know where he is and if I say I don't know where he is and worry about where he is then that's a problem I have to deal with on my own.

That comment literally threw me over the edge, how dare he say I have to deal with my trust issues for him on my own. When he has caused all this.

So my question is can this person really change? is the last comment quite a narcissist thing to say? will he ever go counselling?
I am literally wasting my years on this man ?
I am being crazy for suggesting this tracking app ?

He said all he had to get old faithful to take him back. The momentum now lost. Should’ve set a time on it back last year… go to counselling within 3 months or all bets are off etc. Leaving it open ended he now can’t really be bothered. People find time to do what is important to them.
He wasn’t hurt like you. Got his jolly - few consequences so you are paying in pain and he’s telling you to get over it already and trust issues your problem. None of this sounds good OP. I don’t think tracking devices are the way to go. You shouldn’t need to track him but you should feel valued, your pain real and he should be doing all he can to help you navigate the impact he caused until you don’t need it not until he’s weary of you needing it.

Rachmorr57 · 19/01/2025 09:33

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