My husband is divorcing me

Questionsquestions23 · 2025-01-18T05:22:57+00:00

After many at times difficult years. My husband has filed for divorce. He’s had some MH problems and blames the whole breakdown of our marriage on me. I’ve had my issues too. Everyone around me thinks this is actually good news. I am devastated completely and utterly devastated. There is no one else involved, although historic cheating has played a massive part. I can’t stop crying. At times I’ve wished for this and now it’s happening. Please tell me this will get easier.

HazelBite · 18/01/2025 05:33

Historic cheating? On whose part?
If those around you think it's a good thing perhaps you need to think long and hard about the real reason you feel so upset by it all.It doesn't sound like a match made in heaven give yourself some time to get over the shock, then look forward to a better future.

Original poster

Questionsquestions23 · 18/01/2025 05:34

HazelBite · 18/01/2025 05:33

Historic cheating? On whose part?
If those around you think it's a good thing perhaps you need to think long and hard about the real reason you feel so upset by it all.It doesn't sound like a match made in heaven give yourself some time to get over the shock, then look forward to a better future.

On his part, I’ve always been completely faithful, I’ve always worked and done most of the childcare. I’m just so sad

OP posts:

NOTANUM · 18/01/2025 05:37

It is an awful time. Regardless of what everyone thinks of him, you’ve a shared past and that’s a loss in itself. You need time to grieve that loss.
That said, it doesn’t sound great at the moment and perhaps it is time to move on.
Are you concerned about the practical side of things like money and housing?

Original poster

Questionsquestions23 · 18/01/2025 05:42

NOTANUM · 18/01/2025 05:37

It is an awful time. Regardless of what everyone thinks of him, you’ve a shared past and that’s a loss in itself. You need time to grieve that loss.
That said, it doesn’t sound great at the moment and perhaps it is time to move on.
Are you concerned about the practical side of things like money and housing?

No and yes the practical side but more the fact despite everything I love him. We’ve been together a very long time. I don’t know how to get through this.

OP posts:

category12 · 18/01/2025 05:59

Sorry you're in so much pain.

It does sound like it will be a good thing for you in the long run, but obviously getting to feel that yourself seems far away or impossible.

You just need to take it day by day. It will get easier.

Be gentle with yourself and start making little plans for yourself, like things you would never get round to doing because he wouldn't be interested or wouldn't like them.

Original poster

Questionsquestions23 · 18/01/2025 06:07

category12 · 18/01/2025 05:59

Sorry you're in so much pain.

It does sound like it will be a good thing for you in the long run, but obviously getting to feel that yourself seems far away or impossible.

You just need to take it day by day. It will get easier.

Be gentle with yourself and start making little plans for yourself, like things you would never get round to doing because he wouldn't be interested or wouldn't like them.

Thank you so much, I have tried to meet up with old friends as I’ve neglected that side of my life to be honest. I know it sounds silly but I’ve based my life round him his moods and hobbies not that is all been like that but I have done that a lot. But the thought of our kids living in 2 homes is so much. And I honestly love my husband at times he’s the absolute best person I know and at other times not so much. I just keep crying. I’m an absolute mess. I’ve not slept properly for weeks I didn’t sleep at all last night and I’ve work today and all I want to do is go and get in to my old bed with my husband and have a hug. I’m truly pathetic at the moment. X

OP posts:

superclouds · 18/01/2025 06:19

It sounds like he's been a pretty awful husband over the years - cheating, maybe controlling (just reading between the lines as you say you've based yourself around his moods and hobbies). Yes, you've had some happy times, but nobody (I hope) starts off a relationship with infidelity/selfishness etc.

Your friends are probably relieved that you'll be free of him - but they also need to acknowledge that it will be a big change for you, and will still feel like a huge loss.

Would it help to write down all the bad things - the times he has been unfaithful and how it made you feel, all the times you were left on your own because of him pursuing his hobbies, all the times you've walked on eggshells because of his moods. Also focus on the freedoms you'll have once it's all sorted.

Your kids will be ok. Yes, in an ideal world they'd have one happy home, but it doesn't sound like yours has been a happy one.

There will be plenty of people along on this thread who've moved on from unhappy marriages, and they'll have good advice I'm sure. But could you seek some therapy to talk things through with a professional to get things clear in your own mind?

HallidayJones6779 · 18/01/2025 06:27

How old are your children OP?

im really sorry you’re in so much pain. I think the thing you absolutely must do is be kind to yourself and try to constantly remind yourself that this is now an opportunity to out yourself first. Try to find little things each day to look forward to, something that makes YOU feel good or peaceful or happy, even if just for a fleeting moment.

Finding yourself again without your DH will take so much time and you’ll need to be patient but one day you’ll suddenly realise it isn’t so hard and it isn’t so bad…and you actually might be quite content and happy! By loving yourself, you’ll make the world of difference. Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx

TightlyLacedCorset · 18/01/2025 06:30

Do you want him back?

Wildwalksinjanuary · 18/01/2025 06:32

This is a bereavement and a huge loss. Can you organise some counselling? You will need some support op.

In the long run though, you will be much happier. You will rebuild your life, your own hobbies, your friends and a future that isn’t living on your nerves. He has repeatedly cheated on you, he is never going to stop.

His mental health issues stem from leading a double life, being chronically dishonest and treating other people badly. You deserve so much more than this. What kind of example is he to your children?

So whilst it’s painful now, when you burst out the other side you are going to feel very differently about him. Trust me.

I think you need to be signed off for a week or two so you can get to grips with what has happened.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 18/01/2025 06:34

If everyone around you thinks this is a good thing, it probably is. It’s hard to see when you’re still in it.

Head up, step forward, it will get easier.

TightlyLacedCorset · 18/01/2025 06:35

Sorry, posted too soon

Do you want him back?
How long ago was the infidelity?
How often did any infidelity occur? How long did it last?

Most importantly: What reasons or why did the infidelity occur?

It doesn't matter if the marriage was extrinsically 'good' or not. That is a matter of your own perspective, you have a right to grieve and are in shock and helplessness mode right now. Do whatever is necessary to get you through the next few days and weeks

Difficultwill · 18/01/2025 06:39

I am so sorry you are going through this but it is happening and you need to protect yourself and the children.
You need to find a solicitor who deals in family law.
you need to sit down and tell the children. How old are they? They are probably expecting this and will be supportive once they get over the initial shock.
Make sure you have money. Disconnect your joint account or make sure you have an account in your own name where your own money goes.
Will your husband be reasonable with money/housing/children. Are you on the house deeds? Do you own the house outright?
Spend time grieving for what you have lost but I find that getting on and doing things is better than sitting constantly going round and round in my head what has happened.
It sounds that in the long run you will be better off without him but I can completely sympathise that this does not feel like that at the moment. You will always love him but as the father of your children rather than as a partner
Get all your ducks in a row so you will not have so many things to worry about as you go forward.
Good luck and take care of your self.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2025 06:45

I am so sorry you’re grieving. It seems more that you saw glimmers of good parts of the relationship over the years and unfortunately as a whole it doesn’t really exist.

People with mental health issues aren’t always nice. Blaming you for his issues, sleeping around, whilst you were pandering to his hobbies and moods and neglecting yourself.

Those are potentially signs of someone in some kind of abusive relationship. I am therefore wondering it you're trauma bonded to him?

CRCGran · 18/01/2025 06:54

So sorry this is happening to you. But do get your ducks in a row. Protect your finances. Do keep confiding in friends, it sounds like they've got your back. But I have to say OP, you probably only have his word there's no one else involved. But men rarely leave if there isn't!! And nobody should ever have to arrange their lives around someone else's moods !! That's controlling and it's abuse!! Look after yourself and your kids. He's no longer a priority. There's a better life out there for you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/01/2025 06:57

It can be the right decision yet it will still feeel incredibly painful as you'll be grieving the happy times and the loss of the future you'd planned and hoped for

shinebrightlikeanemerald · 18/01/2025 06:58

You’ve been a prisoner of his moods for years.

Sounds like you’ve got some sort of PTSD or Stockholm syndrome after living with this cheating adulterous moody man for so long.

You may not see it now but you and your children have not lived in a normal loving home.

I can guarantee you he will change his mind. This is just another one of his games. Please stay strong and see it through. You only have one life don’t continue living it like this man’s emotional chew toy.

Userxyd · 18/01/2025 07:08

Op try to think of all the horrible times to remember how you got here - it's hard while you're grieving not to idealise the past as well as you're imagined future but the reality does not sound particularly great.
You now have a chance to make decisions for yourself, have your friends over, do your hobbies and get yourself back on track- this will be a huge benefit to your kids too!
How old are they? Have they been on the receiving end of his meanness?
Start to dream about your new future, things that will now be open to you that haven't been before. Put your music on, start to reclaim yourself now.
You need to see it as an opportunity to have a better life and show your children a different happier way to be. You'll get through this and will be stronger and happier

Original poster

Questionsquestions23 · 18/01/2025 09:15

Thank you so much everyone- I will get through this - I’ll put some cucumber on my eyes and try and get out for the day xx

OP posts:

Copperoliverbear · 18/01/2025 23:22

Sound like he's done you a favour

Original poster

Questionsquestions23 · 19/01/2025 09:52

superclouds · 18/01/2025 06:19

It sounds like he's been a pretty awful husband over the years - cheating, maybe controlling (just reading between the lines as you say you've based yourself around his moods and hobbies). Yes, you've had some happy times, but nobody (I hope) starts off a relationship with infidelity/selfishness etc.

Your friends are probably relieved that you'll be free of him - but they also need to acknowledge that it will be a big change for you, and will still feel like a huge loss.

Would it help to write down all the bad things - the times he has been unfaithful and how it made you feel, all the times you were left on your own because of him pursuing his hobbies, all the times you've walked on eggshells because of his moods. Also focus on the freedoms you'll have once it's all sorted.

Your kids will be ok. Yes, in an ideal world they'd have one happy home, but it doesn't sound like yours has been a happy one.

There will be plenty of people along on this thread who've moved on from unhappy marriages, and they'll have good advice I'm sure. But could you seek some therapy to talk things through with a professional to get things clear in your own mind?

Thanks so much it’s just hard to see any kind of positive future right now. I’ll book a nice catch with a friend for next week. I actually slept a bit better last night x

OP posts:

Original poster

Questionsquestions23 · 19/01/2025 09:58

TightlyLacedCorset · 18/01/2025 06:35

Sorry, posted too soon

Do you want him back?
How long ago was the infidelity?
How often did any infidelity occur? How long did it last?

Most importantly: What reasons or why did the infidelity occur?

It doesn't matter if the marriage was extrinsically 'good' or not. That is a matter of your own perspective, you have a right to grieve and are in shock and helplessness mode right now. Do whatever is necessary to get you through the next few days and weeks

It happened a long time ago and he wouldnt give me the details - I got quite depressed after I found out - it was a one night thing but he only let slip 17 years after and then called me the most horrible things. So I wasn’t able to get over it. The thing is as he wouldn’t give me the details I never really knew what I had to forgive. He’s just carried on going out with his mates for many years after - there was other occasions when he kissed other women again I wasn’t aware at the time. I never went out of an evening with out him. I was always left at home with the kids then had them all the next day as he’d be hungover. X maybe this is a good thing x

OP posts:

Original poster

Questionsquestions23 · 19/01/2025 10:48

HallidayJones6779 · 18/01/2025 06:27

How old are your children OP?

im really sorry you’re in so much pain. I think the thing you absolutely must do is be kind to yourself and try to constantly remind yourself that this is now an opportunity to out yourself first. Try to find little things each day to look forward to, something that makes YOU feel good or peaceful or happy, even if just for a fleeting moment.

Finding yourself again without your DH will take so much time and you’ll need to be patient but one day you’ll suddenly realise it isn’t so hard and it isn’t so bad…and you actually might be quite content and happy! By loving yourself, you’ll make the world of difference. Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx

Thank you so much, a storm can’t last forever can it? It’s really difficult as all I’ve ever known is being a mother and wife, I’ve always had a job and some friends but I’ve lost myself. Hopefully ill
like the person I become xx

OP posts:

CRCGran · 19/01/2025 11:28

You will rise from the ashes and flourish!! And it's HIS loss. Good luck. You'll do great, I'm absolutely sure.

unsync · 19/01/2025 12:27

It will get better. You are grieving for the life you know and the future you thought you were going to have.

You will surprise yourself with how strong you really are. Focus on yourself and your children, take it a day at a time. Each day things will shift a bit and your feelings will change. You'll rediscover yourself and it will be a revelation. A good life is yours for the taking, seize it with both hands.