Fiancé on tinder and sexting

[BOOBARB]

Okay so I’m currently working through a situation with my partner . When we met it was organic and in his work .. I’d recently moved country and felt the spark straight away . Long story short he contacted me first took me on a traditional date complete gentleman … I was really on and off for the first two years because I’d previously had a young marriage and it ended being controlling , I basically didn’t feel ready but expressed this honestly to him and spoke to 2 other people over text and met up for a walk etc but nothing intimate ever happened . I felt really locked in with him after the 2 years and asked for no other breaks , was pretty smitten tbh… he asked me to marry him a year later to which I said yes and was so happy about . No contact with anyone else on my side happened a year prior or a year after .. but recently I’ve found he was using tinder through out a lot of our relationship with no break for more than 5 months .. he’s communicated with me now after a lot of pressing . He apparently takes cocaine on a golf day or out with the lads and then hours later he’s not even sure what’s going on (but he can text me perfectly fine with no spelling errors) he joins tinder and then Snapchat and asks for nudes and sexts girls to the point it’s very explicit and upsetting he then sobers up and comes down and deletes the contacts and apps for say another 4-5 months . We’ve had long chats about this and he’s expressed I made him feel insecure at the start which is understandable as well . I’m just struggling with the fact I was transparent about my feelings and he acted like he was so in love and was lying the whole time . Along with this he was holding my savings in his account because he pays for a high interest premium so made sense us both saving for a house in the same account . He gambled it all away and photoshopped screenshots to try and provide evidence it was still there . Everytime I asked to log in to his account when he was at my house there was excuses like the passcode has broken etc . He’s never told the truth unless he’s cornered which has led to huge insecurities in me . I’m now wondering if the tinder and Snapchat stints where explicit things have been spoken about and meet ups discussed if he’s actually been physical with anyone . It’s eating me up really because I’m slow to fall in love but when I do , I love so hard . I feel so delicate and can’t concentrate on anything else . Thanks mamas

But even if he's the perfect man from now on, he'll still have done all these things in the past.

Noone who truly loves someone else would steal from them, cheat on them. Why would you want to stay with him rather than find someone who actually loves and respects you?

Couples therapy is not recommended if there is a belief that the relationship is abusive, which it sounds like it is/has been, at least financially. You need to do a domestic abuse course. Have you shared everything with your therapist?

But why woukd you believe him? He is a liar. You cannot ever trust the words of a liar.

I’m currently working through a situation with my partner
why? Just walk away. Dont waste ten years of what should be your most exciting years of your life on this shitty man. You will be in a much harder position when he continues to do coke and be an arsehole when you are more closely tied to him, when he has had his third affair. When youve just had enough of the lies.

walk away now.

It’s good he’s putting the work in OP and making amends.

Take it slow and don’t rush into restarting the engagement or talking about wedding plans.

I get why the nice things he does for you feel so meaningful but accept these as his baseline. Taking care of the people we love is made up of small daily acts like cooking for each other, offering to take the bins out when it’s raining, asking about your day, bringing you little surprises like picking up your favourite biscuits with the shopping…

It also means looking after your emotional wellbeing by being trustworthy, financially responsible, making sure you know you are his priority…

Sometimes it can be hard to know what a healthy relationship looks like if our parents didn’t model this but know your worth. Know what you want from a relationship and don’t be afraid to demand it.

I do wish people would not refer to themselves as "empaths". It's nonsense. Most humans have the capacity to be empathetic. I think you are naive at best. I would not want a lying, cheating, drug taking loser anywhere near my kids. You deserve better.

Reading between the lines he has used his investor's money to pay back what he stole from you meaning the investor's money has not been used as intended. He just lies and lies and lies and has a 'poor me' excuse for everything. You cannot trust this man and need to wake up and smell the coffee. No amount of therapy will change him.

You're clearly going to stay with him, believe whatever he tells you, explain away all his awful behaviour, bat away the concerns of anyone and everyone who tells you what you don't want to hear, so I'm really not sure why you started this thread. Everything you say and every additional justification you add to your arsenal just makes him sound worse. We'll still be here when he cheats on you with prostitutes and you lose your house because of his gambling addiction and when one day, when he's completely destroyed you, you finally see the light. Good luck OP. I hope you survive this.

Reading between the lines he has used his investor's money to pay back what he stole from you meaning the investor's money has not been used as intended. He just lies and lies and lies and has a 'poor me' excuse for everything.

This.

He stole from you and now he's stolen from the investor.

How do you report a thread? This cannot be real?

Why would he tell you the truth?
You've discovered the TIP of the iceberg. He won't give you all the information.. he'll give you what he needs to, with space to wriggle out of it.

You don't want this to be the case but unfortunately he has cheated on you throughout. It is never just sexting. They find ways of meeting and having sex, and cover their tracks very well. You will never know the full story believe me.

This isn't being empathetic. This is being walked all over by a coke addict whose hobbies are theft and infidelity.

He is a liar. Now you know that, going forward if you don’t wonder whether whatever he says is a lie or not you would be a bit silly. Liars lie. That would be an unsettled and anxious life. End it

holding my savings in his account

Are you mad?

Do not ever again give money to someone to keep in their account!! That is really not smart.
But cut your losses.
Break off engagement
Run fast and far

If someone has invested money in his business and he's used that money to repay you, then he has effectively taken money from someone under false pretences. So he is still a liar and a thief

You should run for the hills and please don't drag your kids into this mess

The one massive lesson you need to drill into your head is......BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE, NOW WHAT YOU'RE TOLD.

This man is a proven LIAR, discard all the shit he's told you as if it never happened and judge where you go next based on facts that you know, which is that he's a liar, thief, coke head, cheat and overall asshat. Don't waste time, money or energy on couples counselling, spend all that on yourself and in finding an actual adult that doesn't need coached to know how to treat his partner with a shred of respect. This is so shit OP, not normal at all and do not get saddled with a kid or mortgage or marriage to this year. Jesus have some respect for yourself, please!

He's a man who photoshopped images to hide his gambling/theft of your savings. Even with a GoPro on his head, I'm sure he'd find a way to edit it and fool you to keep on following his selfish impulses.

I'm shocked you have two kids and are still making excuses for carrying on with this car crash of a man, just because you love so much and are such an empath and trauma etc etc. You're a mother, you need to get your head screwed on and deal with the reality of who this man is, not who you want him to be or who he claims he'll be. He is a liar, a gambler, a thief, a coke user, a cheat, there is absolutely no way you can ever trust him and he blames you for that because you made him feel insecure (boo hoo!). Sorry but I can't bear you keep on excusing him and 'working through' this crap. It'd be different maybe if you were both very young and child free and needed to go through this crap to learn a life lesson, but Christ, you've already been around the block and you're still making terrible choices - which this is if he's still not an ex fiancé. Baths and tickling really don't balance out zero trust. Stick with the therapy for yourself but get rid of him or you'll never make progress and a few years later you'll be posting on here about his affairs and your divorce and devastating your kids and all the rest.

Ffs! Where is your self esteem? Your self worth? WTAF do you think you’re doing?

this bloke is AWFUL and he WILL ruin your life.

bin him today, one day when you realise how great life can be, living in peace and trusting your loved ones you will kick yourself for every single nano-second that you DIDN’T bin him sooner.

trust me on this, you’re going to feel moronic for wasting your life with this guy.

How about being an empath to your children who deserve better than this? You aren't being a good parent if you stay with him. Foolish at best, dangerous and neglectful at worst.

What do you want from this post, OP?

Us to agree that he can change and help you stay with him?
Or
Support in leaving him?

(Note: he won't change)

He's not going to change so stop making excuses for him and trying to justify his behaviour. Let's be real your still going to stay with him no matter what anyone says

I can completely understand your predicament here. It’s always easy for others to say leave and why are you staying but when you deeply love someone it’s not always straightforward.

I do agree with the advice here though. I have recently ended a 15 year relationship after forever thinking that things can change/get better / etc. what I found was, although there were good times, the issues never fully went away and I really wish I could go back in time to tell my younger self not to ignore the red flags.

you will have a terrible 12 months moving past this, but you will move past it and you will look back and realise you made the right call - I promise you that!

Thank you so much , some of these replies are really resonating with me , it’s not easy to leave at all in-fact this is the first time I’ve ever had such a deep connection with someone (as I said normal day to day is magical people even comment on how we look together and how much we laugh and smile) I’m not on here trying to justify staying with him quite the opposite really more to get some bollucks to leave . It’s absolutely awful granted it’s just the way he’s now going about things to work on himself etc I’m not sure whether to maybe work at a distance with him for 12 months (we never lived together anyway) or just completely shut it down.

It isnt a deep connection because he is looking for other women. It is all fake. You will be miserable. The happiness is based on deception.

You need to stop thinking about him working on himself and work instead on yourself and why your standards and expectations arent higher.

Op, im sorry but the only people who I ever hear talking about "deep connections with someone" tend to be in toxic relationships. I mean I do have a deep connection with dp and love him very much but day to day life isn't just sunshine and rainbows it can be just getting along with things and boring things like taking the bins out and going the tip.
Were you laughing and smiling when he was lying and texting?
It sounds like your trapped in a cycle.
Horrible behaviour then love bombing.
Sorry if post not worded well I'm multi tasking.

You cannot ‚demand’ a healthy relationship from someone who hasnt given it. What you are describing is begging for improvement. Accepting scraps.

it is good he wants to make improvements for his next relationship, but this one is damaged and to continue would mean op loses a bit of herself.

Do you think he was thinking about his deep connection to you when he was talking about sticking his penis in another woman's vagina? Sorry to be blunt. It sounds like you take take it though and need the gentle shake x