Fiancé on tinder and sexting

[BOOBARB]

Okay so I’m currently working through a situation with my partner . When we met it was organic and in his work .. I’d recently moved country and felt the spark straight away . Long story short he contacted me first took me on a traditional date complete gentleman … I was really on and off for the first two years because I’d previously had a young marriage and it ended being controlling , I basically didn’t feel ready but expressed this honestly to him and spoke to 2 other people over text and met up for a walk etc but nothing intimate ever happened . I felt really locked in with him after the 2 years and asked for no other breaks , was pretty smitten tbh… he asked me to marry him a year later to which I said yes and was so happy about . No contact with anyone else on my side happened a year prior or a year after .. but recently I’ve found he was using tinder through out a lot of our relationship with no break for more than 5 months .. he’s communicated with me now after a lot of pressing . He apparently takes cocaine on a golf day or out with the lads and then hours later he’s not even sure what’s going on (but he can text me perfectly fine with no spelling errors) he joins tinder and then Snapchat and asks for nudes and sexts girls to the point it’s very explicit and upsetting he then sobers up and comes down and deletes the contacts and apps for say another 4-5 months . We’ve had long chats about this and he’s expressed I made him feel insecure at the start which is understandable as well . I’m just struggling with the fact I was transparent about my feelings and he acted like he was so in love and was lying the whole time . Along with this he was holding my savings in his account because he pays for a high interest premium so made sense us both saving for a house in the same account . He gambled it all away and photoshopped screenshots to try and provide evidence it was still there . Everytime I asked to log in to his account when he was at my house there was excuses like the passcode has broken etc . He’s never told the truth unless he’s cornered which has led to huge insecurities in me . I’m now wondering if the tinder and Snapchat stints where explicit things have been spoken about and meet ups discussed if he’s actually been physical with anyone . It’s eating me up really because I’m slow to fall in love but when I do , I love so hard . I feel so delicate and can’t concentrate on anything else . Thanks mamas

Omg don't marry him!!! Just don't!!! He can't be trusted. He's shown you who he is.

You should do some work on yourself and think about why you're even considering marrying someone who behaves like this.

Your update is pretty shocking. You have kids and you're thinking of marrying this guy?! Because he runs you a bath?!

Not sure if my husband has never run me a bath, but he doesn't gamble away my money or sext other women while binging on cocaine.

Please have some self-respect.

No no not at all I’m wanting clarity I just missed out some of the story not that it makes it any better 😩

Your kids adore a thieving cheating cocaine addict? Get a grip op and get him out your life.

At the very least you need to pause the engagement until he has received help for the gambling and you are confident he’s not being sleazy online.

It is surprising you have put up with so much from him. The MN bar is on the floor here.

I don't think him running baths and being sweet to you should outweigh the facts that -
he lies to you,
steals from you,
constantly at least tries to cheat,
takes drugs
gambles

I mean, is there any vice he's not into?

(Plus he golfs. 😂)

Is he really the sort of man your kids should have as an example?

All of this.

Seriously OP. He's a loser and you can do better.

He's a liar, a thief and a cheat. You need to end this relationship right now and starting being honest with yourself. This is not something you can 'work through'. You need therapy to understand why you put up with such appalling treatment and think it's okay and something you can get past and move on from. This guy is just as abusive as your abusive ex, possibly considerably worse, since you don't say that your ex stole your savings.

Your self-esteem is non-existent and that is a huge problem that you need to work on before you get into any more relationships.

The womanising is only a small part of it, if only the women on tinder knew what he was like, they wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, no one wanting a loving and healthy relationship would! He isn't a good choice as a future husband, sticking in there isn't going to change him, I'd drop him, value yourself more to want a better man.

I know I feel like a door mat honestly I don’t really need reminding that I’m being one :( there’s just a lot of trauma that he has been through early in life and it may be lies I’ll never know but the gambling started because he wanted to buy us a house and did a-bit of a dodgy bet online was told it would be guaranteed it’s stupid I know and he’s showed me the texts of him being played like an idiot , so then he lost the money and since was continuing to try and win back the money he’d lost so got into a viscous circle . As for the golf days they happen twice a year and he doesn’t take cocaine other than when he’s on a lads day it’s not a constant thing. And the tinder is directly linked to the days he’s taking coke and he’s said that he doesn’t feel good enough for me and he feels really insecure and just having women say nice things to him gives him a buzz . I’m acknowledging the fact that all this is absolutely terrible and I can’t really give any information on the trauma but it’s bad and does seem to link to behaviour now in ways . It really is good for me to get blunt answers on this because I know I can be a complete empath and just want to help others and understand people but I do tend to lose myself in the process .
thanks mums

Do not go any further with him. Walk away from this lying cheating drug taking POS.

With kindness you need therapy, a domestic abuse course (you can do the freedom programme online) and to tell all your friends and family about all his actions throughout your relationship. That should help as a starting point in terms of moving on from this awful relationship.

Him having last trauma doesn't excuse him active like a twat now.

Everyone on here is telling you exactly the same thing. Eave him before he brings you down with him. We can't all be wrong.

Not read it all but you need to end it. He will use you being wary as an excuse but he’s never going to change. He’s using women and then discarding them.

You know that once kids come along the golf is going to be the big issue. The cheating, gambling and lying will pale in comparison. 😂

@BOOBARB and why is he not an ex fiance????

You've got to put your kids who are in their childhood now first, not this man's childhood trauma.

He's a grown adult man stealing the money, security, time, energy and self esteem of their mother.

I really think you need to have a think properly about all this, if a man loves you he wouldn’t of put you through this the last 4 years, he would love you, respect you, look after you and treat you how your meant to be treated. This man if you can call him it, has constantly let you down whether or not it’s been when he’s been golf twice a year or because he doesn’t feel good enough for you is not an excuse for this poor and disgusting behaviour! What about you? What if you did this? Why do men flip it round and turn it on their own feelings when they’ve fucked up? They make me soo angry! I’ve had this twice and it’s put me of men for years! I don’t even want to date or be with anyone I’m 33 and a single mum to 4 and I can honestly say I’ve had enough, they all spill lies like this when they are caught. You need to give your head a wobble hun this behaviour is not ok whether it’s just a ‘blip’ or not if he sees he can continue to do this and get away with it years to come he will do something worse and you will just be dragged down and ruined as a whole! Trust me this isn’t going to end well.

WTF?
Kick him to the kerb and don't look back.

These are all bullshit excuses and don’t detract from the fact that he is a gambler and a cheat.

His logic about buying a house and making the money back is a gambler’s logic.

And unless he said he’s going to stop doing coke, his desire to get high is more important to him than not making a fool of you with these sex workers.

Pause the engagement, set your boundaries and see how he responds to them.

I already go to therapy 😩, my childhood was pretty neglectful and an alcoholic mother so I get that I’m pretty weak when someone does all those gentle day to day things. I have put the relationship on hold , we’re talking about a couples therapist as well , he’s offered to do a lie detector to prove he’s never been physical and he’s handed over all the money to put in my control and transparent with his phone and devices . I suppose the only thing stopping me from completely walking away is how he’s dealt with it since coming clean , he’s also started telling me things that I’ve not even asked because I expressed how important the truth to me is.

He’s already said he is stopping the coke as well . At this point I think he’d let me put a go pro on his head to go out with

OP
This is not a good man.

The ‘lovely’ stuff you talk about is window dressing. It is what being ‘charmed’ looks like.

But also, people aren’t all good or all bad. He can be nice to your kids, but still someone who can wreck their lives due to being dishonest, a thief and a drug user.

He hasn’t been honest. He has actively committed acts which affects your children’s stability. He has repeatedly disrespected you and your relationship.

He is not a good man

I wouldn’t trust him for a second. He’s a proven liar. Leopards don’t change their spots and he’s got hundreds

It doesn’t matter how many updates you post, OP. You want somebody to say that you should stay with him, which is not going to happen here.
You are working really hard to justify to yourself and the internet that he is a good man, yet nobody agrees. That should really make you think.