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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you react to partner not defending you?

55 replies

Melonjellies · 17/01/2025 18:05

My boyfriends family member has been sending me horrible messages for 3 days. She hasn't met me. Only spoke through Facebook. She's randomly messaged me saying horrible stuff about how I would never be family. Every swear word ever. She now has called me a psychopath, a skank and a allsorts.

I'm 37 and this is just not my style at all. I am so distressed and have asked my boyfriend 3 times now if he will defend me and have a word. He's refused. Said its nothing to do with him and to just block her and shut up about it.

I've sent one firm message back and she's continued to blow up my phone with 14 messages up to 3 inches long paragraph wise.

I don't live with my boyfriend and his lack of care over this is shocking.

What would you do

OP posts:
Rachmorr57 · 17/01/2025 21:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SheridansPortSalut · 17/01/2025 21:57

"just block her and shut up about it"

Charming.

None of these people are people you want to be involved with.

Run.

MsDogLady · 17/01/2025 22:21

@Melonjellies, if you want her harassment to stop, you will notify the police. I would go down to the station to report her unhinged behavior in person.

As for your horrible BF, he is treating you with utter contempt and callous disregard by claiming her aggression toward you ‘is nothing to do with him’ and to ‘shut up about it.’ He does not cherish you or care that you are being stalked and abused.

Dump this loser, @Melonjellies.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/01/2025 01:58

You tell him she's sending all this stuff again and ask him to have a word with her.
He claims he has had a word with her and you should just stop going on about it.

If he'd had really a word with her, why is he only saying something about it now, in the middle of what sounds like an argument in which he is trying to get you to shut up? Wouldn't he have told you before that, that he'd had a word with her, and what the outcome of that talk was?

This makes me doubt that he really talked to her, and it sounds more like something he said to get you to stop asking him.

She sounds awful. You shouldn't have to put up with it. He cannot claim its nothing to do with him. It's his cousin. He introduced you. If he wasn't your boyfriend it would never have started.

This doesn't bode well for future disagreements, if that is his approach which basically boils down to, I don't want to hear about your problem. Its nothing to do with me, Suck it up and stop going on about it.

Either his communication skills are completely lacking, or he just wants a quiet compliant partner who won't bother him with anything he doesn't want to hear about, no matter how difficult she is finding a situation.

You're 37, and you've had four years of this. It's probably time to think about whether his attitude is likely to change and how it might affect you in the future, everytime there's something difficult to discuss.

catin8oots · 18/01/2025 02:14

Dump him. I had this with STBXH's 'step' daughter from his previous relationship. I was hounded by her and her mother and DH was worse than useless. No idea why I put up with it. An indicator of the next 20 years ahead unfortunately.

Original poster
Melonjellies · 18/01/2025 06:02

To be honest the more I've thought about it the more I feel like I need to respect myself and find some way to never speak to him again. I think my need to feel heard and like i matter has been met with complete negative reactions like its 2 toddlers that he cannot entertain. I dont believe he's said anything and even if he has said something weakly back to her that's not defending me. He should have called her and told her that she doesn't know me and he's absolutely disgusted at the messages. It should not sit right with him at all.
I am starting to worry I'm in thr middle of a toxic family. In general I've never had any issues In other relationships or friendships. I've genuinely never been called names like this. I've never been in arguments when relationships have ended let alone when together. I'm still friends with my last ex on Facebook. Still speak to his friends and his mum. I dont understand how this has happened. I dont do anything to cause this. Its like she hates me in general.

The police thing is half confusing me because when the first message came through 2 days ago I sent a firm reply black stating a few things regarding our relationship and her not knowing even 1% of anything that's gone on in the last year due to no contact from him to her. I then said if she continues I'll report it. She then sent 6 messages back all childish insults. I ignored them all. Then yesterday she started saying I hear you don't hear from him that sucks for you. I'd had a 15 minute phone call to him so I sent her a screenshot of my call log and said there you go us chatting on my lunch break yesterday where he advised me to ignore you. Then there's been 7 or 8 messages after that all abuse. I've tried to be firm but due to the 2 responses I can't really report it can I. Even though I haven't name called?
When me and my partner had a rough patch 2 years ago she was so aggressive in messages to me and had worded she wanted to come to where I live and knock me out. Unfortunately that was not said in messages but I was told in a phone call.

I really feel my time is over with that family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Melonjellies · 18/01/2025 06:05

catin8oots · 18/01/2025 02:14

Dump him. I had this with STBXH's 'step' daughter from his previous relationship. I was hounded by her and her mother and DH was worse than useless. No idea why I put up with it. An indicator of the next 20 years ahead unfortunately.

Sounds so horrible. It's not nice feeling like the unaccepted new woman. I'm genuinely not a drama seeker. Makes me feel stressed. I can type out a firm response once but I don't back and forth bicker. It's hard with phones too because people harrass in a way they couldn't in the past.

OP posts:
BarMonaco · 18/01/2025 06:20

I am so distressed and have asked my boyfriend 3 times now if he will defend me and have a word. He's refused. Said its nothing to do with him and to just block her and shut up about it.

Nothing to do with him my arse. You're supposed to be his girlfriend and it's his cousin. Tell him you don't think the relationship is going to work as she's abusing and harassing you.

Monty27 · 18/01/2025 06:24

Omg get rid. Of all of them including bf.
It's a freaking drama of their own making and you my love need to find happiness in a role where you fit.
You don't think this will get any better do you?
Just bail. Stick to good people from here on in.

superclouds · 18/01/2025 06:24

What has he got going for him? He sounds pathetic and I couldn't be doing with the drama of being in a relationship with him.

ZekeZeke · 18/01/2025 06:43

Honestly it sounds like you are enjoying the drama otherwise you would have blocked this person.
Contact the police.
Block. If they contact you again (despite blocking ie using someone else's phone) call the police, every time.
The boyfriend?.he doesn't value you, he is condoning this awful behaviour by doing nothing. Dump!

AmethystRuby · 18/01/2025 06:45

I would end it over this.

Copperoliverbear · 18/01/2025 07:01

I dump him, they sound very common

Maddy70 · 18/01/2025 07:06

Honestly he's right. He isn't rising to it and giving her the attention she's craving. Block her and ignore as he is doing

Mauro711 · 18/01/2025 07:26

She clearly feeds off of your reactions so the best thing for you to do is to just block her or at least never ever reply to her, regardless of how ludicrous her claims are. You will never be able to reason with her so what you are doing is just fuelling the fire every time you make it known that she matters enough for you to write back. She wants a fight and she’s getting it all her way but you can’t argue with crazy.

Regardless of that, your boyfriend is an uncaring ass. I suspect he knows that the best thing to do is to ignore her and he feels like he’s told you that but in doing so he’s also minimised your feelings and the level of harassment his family is subjecting you to. He does have a responsibility here to make it stop but he’s not willing to engage.

I think the only solution is to get rid of the boyfriend, block the cousin and then move on to find a healthy and respectful relationship once you have healed from this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/01/2025 07:42

'Shut up about it'
That's awful from him. Even if he doesn't feel comfortable confronting her he is stu uncaring and unempathetic
Ltb

beAsensible1 · 18/01/2025 07:44

Why haven’t you just blocked her?

beAsensible1 · 18/01/2025 07:45

Also get rid if the bf and his family. Awful people

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/01/2025 07:46

Melonjellies · 18/01/2025 06:02

To be honest the more I've thought about it the more I feel like I need to respect myself and find some way to never speak to him again. I think my need to feel heard and like i matter has been met with complete negative reactions like its 2 toddlers that he cannot entertain. I dont believe he's said anything and even if he has said something weakly back to her that's not defending me. He should have called her and told her that she doesn't know me and he's absolutely disgusted at the messages. It should not sit right with him at all.
I am starting to worry I'm in thr middle of a toxic family. In general I've never had any issues In other relationships or friendships. I've genuinely never been called names like this. I've never been in arguments when relationships have ended let alone when together. I'm still friends with my last ex on Facebook. Still speak to his friends and his mum. I dont understand how this has happened. I dont do anything to cause this. Its like she hates me in general.

The police thing is half confusing me because when the first message came through 2 days ago I sent a firm reply black stating a few things regarding our relationship and her not knowing even 1% of anything that's gone on in the last year due to no contact from him to her. I then said if she continues I'll report it. She then sent 6 messages back all childish insults. I ignored them all. Then yesterday she started saying I hear you don't hear from him that sucks for you. I'd had a 15 minute phone call to him so I sent her a screenshot of my call log and said there you go us chatting on my lunch break yesterday where he advised me to ignore you. Then there's been 7 or 8 messages after that all abuse. I've tried to be firm but due to the 2 responses I can't really report it can I. Even though I haven't name called?
When me and my partner had a rough patch 2 years ago she was so aggressive in messages to me and had worded she wanted to come to where I live and knock me out. Unfortunately that was not said in messages but I was told in a phone call.

I really feel my time is over with that family.

You can report what you like. It's for police to work out next steps and if there's a case.

Original poster
Melonjellies · 18/01/2025 07:46

ZekeZeke · 18/01/2025 06:43

Honestly it sounds like you are enjoying the drama otherwise you would have blocked this person.
Contact the police.
Block. If they contact you again (despite blocking ie using someone else's phone) call the police, every time.
The boyfriend?.he doesn't value you, he is condoning this awful behaviour by doing nothing. Dump!

How would your body feel if you was enjoying the drama? I have bags under my eyes. Anxiety. I'm irritable and stressed.

She is blocked I have a junk folder so my phone isn't the best as things still come through!

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 18/01/2025 08:10

Melonjellies · 18/01/2025 07:46

How would your body feel if you was enjoying the drama? I have bags under my eyes. Anxiety. I'm irritable and stressed.

She is blocked I have a junk folder so my phone isn't the best as things still come through!

Show quote history

Because you continued to readthe messages!
BLOCK. Don’t give this person headspace and contact the police if the harassment continues.

Original poster
Melonjellies · 18/01/2025 08:20

ZekeZeke · 18/01/2025 08:10

Because you continued to readthe messages!
BLOCK. Don’t give this person headspace and contact the police if the harassment continues.

Show quote history

I know it's just horrible knowing where are there and it makes me anxious.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 18/01/2025 08:26

Melonjellies · 18/01/2025 08:20

I know it's just horrible knowing where are there and it makes me anxious.

Show quote history

The person is horrible. And I’m sorry you are going through this, I didn’t mean to be so hard on you.
You have the power here. Block, maybe even change your number.
But honestly, a word from the police will give them a fright and if your partner says diddly you tell them you had no choice, you gave him multiple chances to sort it.

StMarie4me · 18/01/2025 08:49

He'd be gone.

Percypigspjs · 18/01/2025 08:54

You are getting sucked into what sounds like a toxic quite abusive relationship here. For your own self preservation I would end this relationship with this man. Any man who doesn’t take your hand and march you down to the police station is not worth the head space. You are going to have to muster up all your strength and go to the police station yourself. Unfortunately we share this world with twats and toxic people. Take it as a lesson in life and a lesson to toughen up that self esteem. Surround yourself with people who make you feel seen and heard and get rid. Get a new phone that can block properly and don’t look!