30s and never had a relationship

[Rnc96]

In Jan 2023, I posted this topic and got some supportive feedback. However years later and I’m ashamed to admit I’m still in the same position (never been in a relationship, and a virgin). WWYD?

I’ve never met someone in real life in this position. Not sure how I can find a guy willing to give me a chance
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4710128-worried-im-too-unattractive-for-a-relationship?page=1

I don’t live a sheltered life, regularly socialise, live in a big city, have a full time job. I’ve even flatshared with men platonically (and became friends), made friends with guys from work. I’ve still not come across a guy who has wanted a relationship with me. How else can I increase my odds

I socialise around three times a week, and try to say ‘yes’ to most social invitations even if I’m on the fence to increase my network. Have many great memories doing so, and met lots of cool people but it hasn’t changed anything for me dating wise.

I am physically in shape, go to mixed gender classes (spin, salsa, running). Also, I enjoy going to gigs and festivals a lot. Travel twice a year - pretty standard stuff tbh, I’m not living like a hermit.

I wear neutral makeup, get my hair done and dress ‘well’.
I have even gone as far to smile more, make small talk with strangers (where appropriate( in hopes of coming across as more ‘approachable’ / positive.

Well I met BF online and we’ve been together 18months or so. So seems to!

agree with treating OLD like a job - it’s a numbers game and four dates in a year doesn’t give you very good odds! I did a year of online dating post-divorce and I’d say I had chats with well over 100 people, good chats with around 20, met up with 10, two i’d have happily had a casual thing with but weren’t quite right, and one was my amazing partner of three years. But I’d never have found him if I’d not gone for a blitz approach and at least exchanged a few messages with anyone who seemed vaguely attractive and interesting.

This was my approach too. I remember one particular weekend a long time ago, when I went on 4 dates (with 4 different men!). I’ve been happily married for many years now, so online dating worked out well 😊

Are you sure it's men you want to date? Genuine question.

At your age most men would be on OLD and it’s a numbers game. To be asked out in real life is a bit more difficult nowadays. My friends who get asked out the most are the ones who are fussy about their appearance i.e. fit and dress very well. Funny enough, I got a lot more attention from men when I was dating my bf. I think that’s because I dressed up in our earlier dates.

Maybe just reflect on your past experiences and what happened.

I had strict parents growing up. I only became more confident speaking to guys when I moved away from my parents at uni. I think I placed too much pressure on myself on my appearance and sex etc but having friends who were more carefree about those things made it easier.

Ultimately it might be worth exploring what your mindset is towards yourself, your appearance, sex, dating etc is and whether it is healthy. You’re not undesirable because you never dated. That’s not baggage per se, unless you place unnecessary pressure or implications. Counselling may be useful if you do.

Outside of that, generally someone in their 20s who becomes single tends to go through a post-breakup glow up eg focusing on themselves, spending more time with friends, getting into better shape/fitness kick, generally being less stressed and more carefree as the fog lifts. So that’s the kind of energy people are bringing to first dates or whatever - you’re going to need to pick up your confidence if you want to stand out.

I have no idea what you look like but ultimately you want to get to a stage where you’re confident in what you look like & what you bring to the table, and feel like you’re the best version of yourself etc. What do you think would make you more confident? What things give you confidence?

Also most people find people via social media too, so you might benefit from engaging with that as opposed to dating apps.

Oh my lord! You're so negative about yourself. Please don't be.

Trust me, when you get to my age you understand that all the worry and angst about men and relationships are a TOTAL waste of time

I think you should spend the next 6 months having a proper glow up (everything from manicure/hair/facial to having your colours done) and really putting proper effort into OLD. At least 2 coffee dates a week with new guys

Come on, know your worth. You're bloody awesome

I haven't had a real relationship

I had a situationship with dds dad but it was awful and not real 😔

I haven't had much consensual sex in my life.

My plan is to, once I lose this weight, get dressed up and hook up with the hottest guy I can find to get back in the saddle 🙈🙈

Whats your biggest concern, I'd ask? Losing your virginity? Sexual pleasure? A relationship?

If its just sex with someone, take all the pressure off and just put on a tight dress and see who flirts with you. Give the sexiest guy to make eyes at you your number

Then hook up - v card lost, but lost to someone hot!

But obvs, I'd you're looking for a relationship first or for it to be special, don't do that!

❤️

If its just sex with someone, take all the pressure off and just put on a tight dress and see who flirts with you. Give the sexiest guy to make eyes at you your number
Then hook up - v card lost, but lost to someone hot!

Think carefully before doing this. It might be rather soul destroying

Yeah 😬😬, if you want more than a hook up, or for a really special first time, maybe don't do what I said x

Could you be squashing down your own sexual responses for fear of disappointment, to the point where the man you fancy isn't even aware of them? If that is the case, his is likely to either not notice you at all, or see you as a friend.
Perhaps you need to encourage these sexual impulses rather than squashing them, even if you can't guarantee them being returned. Indulge a few fantasies. Let your heart beat faster when an attractive man comes into the room. Imagine what it might be like to kiss him. You won't turn into a pest just by letting your feelings show in your face and body language, and perhaps his feelings will be turned on too.

There you go. It’s a numbers game. If you want a relationship you need to date more.

I like the advice about giving yourself a real glow-up, then throw yourself into OLD.

Adding my voice to say you need to find your inner sexy and put it out there, rather than being bubbly friendly neutral.

Also, it seems you have built your life around what you are supposed to be doing rather than what you want to do. Where is the real you?

If you don’t particularly love salsa but go there because of the social opportunities, give up on salsa but go find a hobby that makes you roar, that gets you really excited, because you need to have that energy inside to project it outside and attract men.

Being a nice girl who does the right things, that’s how you please your parents, that’s not how you attract men.

You got to connect with the adult woman in you, sex and desires and lust for life etc.

I'm curious, have you ever actually thought about who you are attracted to? Do you have a type? Or are you just approaching all and sundry to see if anyone will snap you up?

How did the dates go last year? Did you get to the second date with any of them? In other instances how far have you gotten with men? I think looking at these instances might help you to understand things a bit better. Not because you need to change anything about yourself but you might see something that you missed the first time around, if that makes sense.

We’re close in age and I resonate a lot with you. Apart from a very brief fling in first year at uni I was single, without so much as a peck on the cheek, for most of my 20s. I’ve always gotten attention and am considered conventionally attractive (as I’m sure you are too; you sound lovely OP), but my own shyness and other factors just didn’t work in my favour. I moved to Italy five years ago and threw myself - literally - out there and (consensually) at men I liked. In my case it helped that I was in a new country where nobody knew me.

My first kiss out here, that turned into a two year relationship, was with a man who had no business kissing a woman (or man, for that matter….think Italy and celibate man..). I’m currently dating a guy I randomly met in a cafe a couple of months ago. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say and it’s probably not much help to you, but from reading your post I just get the feeling that you could put yourself out there and you would have more success than you think; you really sound lovely!

Honestly, I think the 'really special first time' idea is likely to be more of a burden/extra pressure to the OP than not.

I think so too, I don't think it should be a big deal

Have you ever had therapy? proper therapy from a qualified psychotherapist? You can look on the BACP website for someone local and see if you connect with one.

When I was about 29 I realised I had been in a series of relatonships with me who treated me badly - I was so devastated to realise this and sought help.

I talked and learned about my childhood, how it was affecting my relationships, what I was drawn to, what I found attractive, how I behaved when I was in a relationship. It completely changed my life. I have been happily married to my lovely husband for a long time since meeting him shortly after I started the therapy (that's how quickly my mind changed)

I really do think your situation is clearly unusual - and it's actually more positive to say that - as I think if you really do want to meet someone you absolutely can and will. There will be subtle ways in which you are actually avoiding a realtionsip I would imagine.

You might be self sabotaging, you might be avoiding real connection - none of us here can know but I promise there will be something.

by the way - are you neurodiverse? that can be a factor I think.

Not sure this helps, but big cities have a female bias in terms of accomplished women. Many men there can be spoiled for choice and therefore put off getting in to relationships.

Do you have friends in smaller environments (towns where people commute to your city from) where you could go to socialise with your friends there?

What is your friendship group like? Have a lot of the relationship focused ones split off?

Try asking your friends what vibe you give off? Is it an asexual one? I have known people who have given off the vibe of just being happy as they are and not interested in changing to be in a relationship. If you are going on dates and the men are not looking to take it to a relationship it may be an impression you project but don’t know. Perhaps a friend with a (socially aware and sensitive) partner may be able to give you insight?

Just an observation but:
“I am physically in shape, go to mixed gender classes (spin, salsa, running).”
How mixed are spin and salsa, really?
In my experience they tend to be very few men at them…

You sound so nice and very self aware!I know this is an odd question but do you drink alcohol/hang out with others who are drinking?Definitely not required or encouraged but in those settings with inhibitions lowered is where a lot of people will have had their first encounters with others and struck up relationships etc. As I say, particularly as we get older it is not a prerequisite but just wondering if it might explain things up to now?

Hi OP. A good friend of mine is in the same situation and is now late thirties. In fact, there’s potentially 2 other ladies who are very likely to be virgins and have definitely never had a partner. But the third one I know for sure as she has talked about it in our small friendship circle. So you are certainly not alone.

I also know a man who must be in his mid 40’s now, also never had a partner and is a virgin.

I understand you will feel it’s something to be ashamed of, but try to at least feel you’re not alone in this.