30s and never had a relationship

[Rnc96]

In Jan 2023, I posted this topic and got some supportive feedback. However years later and I’m ashamed to admit I’m still in the same position (never been in a relationship, and a virgin). WWYD?

I’ve never met someone in real life in this position. Not sure how I can find a guy willing to give me a chance
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4710128-worried-im-too-unattractive-for-a-relationship?page=1

I don’t live a sheltered life, regularly socialise, live in a big city, have a full time job. I’ve even flatshared with men platonically (and became friends), made friends with guys from work. I’ve still not come across a guy who has wanted a relationship with me. How else can I increase my odds

I socialise around three times a week, and try to say ‘yes’ to most social invitations even if I’m on the fence to increase my network. Have many great memories doing so, and met lots of cool people but it hasn’t changed anything for me dating wise.

I am physically in shape, go to mixed gender classes (spin, salsa, running). Also, I enjoy going to gigs and festivals a lot. Travel twice a year - pretty standard stuff tbh, I’m not living like a hermit.

I wear neutral makeup, get my hair done and dress ‘well’.
I have even gone as far to smile more, make small talk with strangers (where appropriate( in hopes of coming across as more ‘approachable’ / positive.

I have used dating apps as well as taking healthy breaks so I don’t become too obsessed with them.

Also attended a few single nights (had a few good conversations, helped with pushing myself out of my comfort zone but ultimately the men weren’t interested in dating me).

I live in a city, and on odd days where I have no plans and friends are busy I’ll still go out by myself and make the most of it. Nice cafe, food market, free museum etc.

V hard to say based on the above but it does seem extreme - probably already considered this but is there any way you could be giving out the wrong 'vibes' and I mean that in a broad sense e.g friendly but never flirty - no 'opener' as such, defensive due to experience, overly accommodating etc etc. Would suggest trying online just even for a bit of practice (am assuming you also don't date a lot but could be wrong)

Hi @limeshakers sorry you’re right, I guess I was just posting to see if anyone had any advice.

I’m probably not very flirty because I’m worried I’ll make a guy uncomfortable if he’s not interested. I don’t mind initiating friendly conversation with a stranger though

I have been called ‘bubbly’ by men and women if that counts for anything

I also don’t date a lot either, I’m not sure what is average for a ‘normal’ single person dating but I went on dates with 4 men last year.

I was single and a virgin until age 30. A man at work approached me and wore me down lol. Stayed with him for 12 years. I know a couple of really attractive women in their 30s who have never had a partner so it's not as unusual as you'd think. Sending hugs xx

You've been on dates, so men aren't friend zoning you and you definitely can attract men. There's women in my office who have never had relationships but they haven't dated either. Have you got male friends you could ask ? Honestly, being overly filrty might attract a guy that isn't right for you. I don't really get it. Sorry OP.

I have male friends but truthfully feel too ashamed to open up about the issue. Even my closest friends don’t know this about me, as worry there’s a big stigma.
That’s interesting to hear there’s women in your office who haven’t either, are they perhaps religious?

I’ve still not met anyone my age in this position, even the most socially awkward people I know who never left their hometown have had relationships.

Even the most socially awkward people I know who never left their hometown have had relationships.

Yes, because they usually have low standards. If you have a big social circle, could you ask someone to set you up? Or if that's embarrassing, you could ask out a hot stranger at the next festival you go to. If he says no, you'll never have to see him again.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong as such, but it's time to start taking more action to make things happen, just as you would if you were looking for a job or a flat.

They have low standards or are putting up with a man that's wrong for them.
I'd suggest going out with groups, or some girlfriends who know other men through their BFs. Have you actually told your friends you would like to meet someone and do they know anyone?

I don’t think you are working OLD hard enough. Many people are nervous about crossing the boundary from friend to date now, so I think the socialising is great, but not so great to find dates.

Only 4 dates in a year is not giving you great odds to find someone. OLD I’d probably meet 4 people a week, for coffee and then would progress from there.

I treated OLD like a job, dedicated time each day to swiping, made sure to send a proper message to every match. If I got any responses I didn’t like or were one word answers binned them off, moved to meeting ideally within a week, but at the most a fortnight.

Thanks, I didn’t think of it like that but you’re probably right.

I think asking a stranger out without any indication of them being interested is a bit too bold for me, but I sometimes chat to strangers on nights out.

Slightly embarrassed admitting this but recently I’ve been taking advantage of the fact I live in a big city, and will smile/nod when passing strangers on the street. I presume it happens less to men because I’ve noticed some will turn to look back after passing versus women will smile back but rarely take a second glance.
Also, recently initiating polite small talk whilst waiting in a queue (within reason, if I sense someone is busy or stand off ish won’t disturb them).

Some of my friends are single too, they don’t know my history, but will give generic advice. They have kindly helped improved my dating app profile. It’s interesting hearing and seeing first hand how different our experiences are though.

When I recently asked my friends about asking a man out for the first time, most of them despite being more attractive and having significant dating experience were shocked and said they wouldn’t feel brave enough. Instead they would drop plenty of hints, purposely spend more time together until he caught on.

Thank you, I will try putting more effort in OLD again. I do use it but I worry I don’t want to become too obsessive about it, hence had been putting more effort in socialising.
I’d say there’s a good mix of how my friends met their partners, but even for the ones who met their current partner from an app they have had previous relationships offline.

& wow 4 coffee dates in a week blows my mind, I don’t think I would get enough (non flaky) matches 😂

Like I said, I worked it hard! 😅 But it was very much a short term intense effort rather than a long term few minutes a day.

The obvious thing to do is lots and lots of online dating. Four dates in a year is not much! You could do that in a fortnight.

What happened on those dates? Why didn’t you see them again? Did you get any feedback?

That is an easier way to meet someone than smiling at strangers on the street.

I know lots of people who have had successful relationships by meeting online. I have done it myself and generally had good experiences. I think you should concentrate on that.

I’m in a similar position to you OP, but older. In my 20s I dated a lot, as in, met people and went out once or a few times, but it never progressed far and so I’ve never had what I would consider a partner.

I live as much of an active social life as you describe. I’ve found the older I’ve got the harder it’s become to even date, partly because all of my friends bar one are coupled and with kids so my social circle doesn’t include singles or single-based activities, but also because since the invention of online dating I find people are significantly less open to the sort of casual in-person meetings that used to happen. Thinking back to my 20s, I remember meeting people in cafes, bars, on the tube, at events, there might have been a “look” or a comment that opened a conversation, followed by chat, followed by exchanging numbers, etc. These days, everyone is only looking at their phone screens and wary of strangers talking to them.

I still hope I might one day find a partner, but now in my 40s I make less effort to look for one. I have a successful career, my own (well, mortgaged) home, a good social life, I don’t need a partner for any practical or financial reasons, but I would like one for personal fulfilment.

My advice to you would be to keep looking, be more open about the fact that you are looking with friends/family so that they might help you along by introducing you to others. But beyond that, make peace with the idea that you can live an enjoyable life being single, because you can (I have!).

This sounds like good advice. Sometimes you have to focus on what you really want, and work at it. And be clear in your own mind that you’re working towards the future you want.
You can get a lot of time-wasters OLD, but
Candlestickler’s advice should help.
Also, I have friends who met through a marriage agency, which aims at making lasting relationships.
Best of luck, OP.

I have a friend who I love to death who is in a similar position and tbh I kind of think that she is prone to talking about herself and her interests a lot and can forget to show interest in the other person and be curious about them. I've never volunteered that to her because she's never asked and I don't want to give her unnecessary criticism unless she asked for it.

Do you have a real life close friend who you can trust to be honest and caring with their feedback that you could ask what they think your blind spots might be?

I would also say that online dating seems to be the way to go now, be direct about what it is you're looking for ie you'd like a relationship. And keep putting yourself out there in that capacity. I agree about the flirting - I know personally it's where I find it hard as I get nervous and then just be friendly rather than flirty.

Haha I understand, and I think treating it like a job is a good way of seeing things. We wouldn’t expect to be so passive with careers / flathunting and an ideal opportunity to just fall on our lap so I think I should be putting more effort

Wish people would stop giving cheesy advice like “stop looking, it’ll happen when you’re least expecting” 😩

How were you 26 in Jan 2023 and now you’re 30, 2 years later? That doesn’t add up.

If this is genuine - I’m just going to be frank with you, something about you isn’t desirable. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, it’s just that something about you doesn’t elicit the feeling of desire or intrigue in someone else. For example you must come across people every day that you don’t give a second thought to? You are that person to others - this doesn’t mean you’re unattractive or have anything wrong with you, just that you’re unremarkable/ordinary.

I’m going to assume that you are average looking, so your looks alone aren’t extremely enticing. That doesn’t mean that you’re ugly or unattractive, just that you may blend into the background. In any case, even people that are unattractive can find partners so looks alone are not the only factor.

the second factor is that you’re inexperienced and simply don’t know how to navigate attraction. others can sense that. You might come across to others as closed off or not interested. In general I think if men think they might have some sort of shot, they do make it clear they’re interested even if it’s subtle. You might not really be giving out the sign that you would take things further beyond small talk.

I think generally speaking you’re just coming across to guys like a background character almost because people don’t naturally gravitate towards you. Again I don’t think it’s a looks thing in isolation, it’s likely that you’re not giving out energy that resonates with people.

Sorry if I’ve missed something OP, but have there been men you’ve seriously fancied?

Also I’m not 30 but I can envision that people in their 30s would probably want to skip past some aspects of dating - whereas as because you’re inexperienced, you might be approaching things like a younger person would.

I’m making the assumption that generally older people dating are:

• more confident/comfortable ie open to saying what they want, even sex might not be a taboo topic as they have experience

• might be more willing to concede on certain things like looks

• might be less willing to concede on certain things like traits of exes

• possibly have better communication skills as they have more dating experience

• possibly have more instincts to weed people out eg knowing someone isn’t right for them, therefore they get a spark or click less often

@Changeyourlifes Apologies that was a mistake with this title I’m not yet 30, I was supposed to say I was apptoaching my 30s (MNHQ will know I’m long term user)

& thank you, it may not have been what I wanted to hear but I think your post makes a lot of sense. I do think I have lower confidence due to no relationship experience which subconsciously sends closed off vibes. I’m then paranoid of my additional baggage due to lacking experience, as I’m not particularly desirable in the first place but also I’m in this rare situation on top which will scare people off if they found out.

I’m just not sure what best to do moving forward, fake it till I make it perhaps?

@Communitywebbing A few times, but I’d never acted on it because I presumed they wouldn’t be interested in me like that / only saw me as a friend.

You say you are putting yourself out there but are you really putting yourself out there?

You need to work OLD a little harder. Arrange more dates and not with just ones that seem to tick every box. Get out of your comfort zone and date men that you have good conversation with, even if you may not initially fancy the pants off him. Who knows where things may lead. And if it doesn't feel right and you don't want another date then you don't have to. Stop thinking about making other people feel bad or uncomfortable and just enjoy getting to know new people. You may be surprised where something might lead.

Also, you say you are not flirty and have never acted on anything because you just presume men won't see you that way and be interested in you like that. But how do you know if you don't try?

I think you need to be brave OP. Take the bull by the horns, do a little flirting, put some signals out there and most of all back yourself!!

Stop calling yourself undesirable and believe that you are. You sound like a really nice sociable person with a variety of interests. Someone will be lucky to have you. You just need to believe that yourself and go for it.

Good Luck!

I treated OLD like a job, dedicated time each day to swiping, made sure to send a proper message to every match. If I got any responses I didn’t like or were one word answers binned them off, moved to meeting ideally within a week, but at the most a fortnight.

And did it work @Candlestickler??