Husband acts weird after sex

[whythoughsigh]

I've noticed this for the past year now, my sex drive definitely had gotten worse since my last child 18 months ago and have gained a lot of weight, I have had 2 c sections and have a bit of an apron tummy, it's affected my self esteem and I don't like DH seeing me naked with the lights on.

Anyway the last few months he has been initiating sex every week or so (only when he is really horny and frustrated) and gets a bit angry if I refuse. He knows I'm self conscious but doesn't seem to care.

It's like he just wants to scratch an itch, for a couple of days up until we have sex he is very attentive and loving then the minute we do it he turns cold and shows me very little affection and acts like he doesn't want anything to do with me, then a few days later he's really loving and affectionate again. It's really playing with my mind.
It's like those people who watch weird porn when they're horny then get disgusted by themselves afterwards, I have been thinking about it all night and I'm really hurt. It's like he finds me repulsive straight after having his needs met.

This does seem strange. I don’t understand his behaviour but I just wanted to say, I doubt he finds you repulsive OP - that’s you projecting your own feelings about your body onto him.

I just noticed the part about him getting angry if you refuse. That’s not good. Also, are you having sex because you want to or just to keep him happy? Do you enjoy the sex? Is it close and loving sex?

@whythoughsigh It's like he finds me repulsive straight after having his needs met
Are you sure you are not projecting? Could it be that you don't like your body, think about it a lot, and that becomes the lens through which you see many things? As in, when your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail kind of thing?

Have you tried having a honest conversation with your husband?
Have you tried telling him how you feel?

Sounds like he’s being nice and buttering you up ti get what he wants then gets it and can go back to being a dick and then repeat ?

@ubugly Sounds like he’s being nice and buttering you up ti get what he wants then gets it and can go back to being a dick and then repeat ?
That is certainly a possibility, but why didn't the OP talk about it with her husband?
I don't get the women who ask "he does this, what does it mean?"
"Well, have you talked about it with him?"
"No"

@whythoughsigh then the minute we do it he turns cold and shows me very little affection and acts like he doesn't want anything to do with me

How long does this behaviour last? How old is he? Is he in good shape?
Could it be that he's just exhausted after sex? This is why I'm asking if he behaves cold till the next time he wants sex, or only right after you do the deed

I'm not trying to defend him. It could well be that he's a manipulative selfish bastard. I'm just saying the OP should talk to him instead of second-guessing

You say you've only noticed his attitude after sex for the past year OP, but is it possible that for one reason or another you had never noticed previously that he could be distant after sex? If you think back, were there any signs of that tendency at other times during your relationship?

Agree it sounds like he’s buttering you up when he wants sex, and as soon as he’s gotten his satisfaction, no longer feels the need to be nice to you or show you affection until he wants sex again. I wouldn’t go down the route of he finds you repulsive, it sounds more like he views you like a repository.

I remember a male friend of mine telling me at school that if he thought about a girl while masturbating, then immediately afterwards he hated her a bit.

I found that really weird (although kind of fascinating that he decided to share that insight tbh!) - it sort of stacks up with the whole Madonna/whore thing, that they can’t see you as someone to love and respect if they also see you as someone to fuck. He needs to take a long hard look at himself and what is driving this weird attitude. Does he watch a lot of porn?

@SnowflakeSmasher86 Was this guy brought up in a very religious and conservative environment?

I have no way to know how representative I am, but I can tell you it has certainly never happened to me!!!

Honestly. It sounds like a you problem either end the marriage or expect it too carry on

In the nicest possible way I'm telling you he doesn't view you or your body badly but the effort he's going to in order to have sex once a week with somebody who'd rather not is probably draining him mentally hence the come down afterwards

I think you should read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There's a theory in the book about men and how they handle intimacy called 'the rubber band theory' and it explains the pattern you've described.
If I remember correctly intense intimacy triggers a pulling away. It's the tension between being bonded to someone and having autonomy. Hopefully this will help you to see it's not you at all. It's a pattern I've noticed with men in my life too at times.

I've noticed the pattern too. I don't think it's anything to do with you physically.

I know you've said that you feel self conscious about your body. Does this mean that you don't fully relax during sex and avoid trying different positions?
I'm just wondering, if he doesn't mind what you look like, whether his frustration is coming from your lack of engaging in sex fully. Maybe you're keeping to positions where he can't touch the areas you're unhappy about or keeping yourself covered up? I'm only asking this as I once heard something very similar from a friend of mine.
And this was what she'd been doing; avoiding certain positions so he couldn't see her and not being fully naked in bed. Which did upset her partner at the time. And I could understand that, because he really didn't mind what she looked like, he just loved her and wanted a normal sex life. She admitted it was her fault for being so self conscious. Sorry, I know that's not much help, but it triggered my memory reading your post 💐

gets a bit angry if I refuse

This would cause my vagina to clamp shut forever. What a turn-off, he doesn’t have a right to your body. He’s coercing you into sex OP, and when he’s had his way he doesn’t need to bother for a few days. He sounds like an utter twat.

@ClairDeLaLune coerce? OP has described a situation in which he is not happy that they don't do the deed as often as he would like.
That's not coercion.

If he applies physical or emotional pressure to get what he wants, the OP has not described it.

Is it "coercion" when a woman is unhappy about not getting what she wants, whether of a sexual nature or not? Or do we have double standards for men and women?

Well it’s exactly as you describe - he is scratching the itch, so he starts to get horny and plays nice to “butter you up” and then once he has his release he goes cold until next time. There’s nothing particularly wrong with the first part - that’s how most men work, it’s the selfishness and lack of attention in the days afterward that shows you how he really feels towards when sex doesn’t come into play.

It's a well documented biological response and it's due to hormone fluctuations . Nothing to do with you or your body op.

That is kind of what I was thinking. Perhaps he feels a little disgusted in himself that his desire is causing him to hound you a little then after he is a bit ashamed of himself. He potentially doesn’t see view you the way you view yourself. I am guilty of this, thinking I’m too ugly to view in the light but my other half loves the way I look. I would talk and avoid projecting and over thinking.

No but getting angry with someone when you can’t have your own way is coercive. Particularly when the angry person is almost certainly bigger and significantly stronger than the person they are angry with. Inevitably women give in out of fear of the consequences, of escalation.

OP @whythoughsigh Some (most? all?) men experience a feeling of bliss, without a care in the world, right after sex, and in fact some describe the moments right after as being even better than the moment itself. Ever heard the term post-nut clarity?

Maybe your husband is a selfish bastard who uses you and then ignores you.

Or maybe it might be a combination of him being tired and being in this kind of bliss right after. That's why I asked if he's like that right after, or even the whole day after.
But, guess what, maybe, just maybe, if you two talk to each other, maybe he could enjoy this moment of bliss hugging and cuddling. This might be a win-win for both, no?
And maybe, just maybe, he hasn't until now realised how his attitude makes you feel.

Maybe things will improve. Maybe they won't. Maybe it's all an innocent misunderstanding. Maybe he's a selfish bastard.
But you'll never know until and unless you speak to him.
SPEAK TO YOUR MEN, LADIES!!!

I know it comes as a shock to some, but men are not mind-readers, and most don't take the "hints" you think are so clear.
I am not sure if this is a universal thing, but the bullshit in the English language doesn't help (many foreigners don't realise that "this is interesting" really means it's bullshit - this video made me laugh )

Being loving and nice to your spouse should not be an effort. It should be the norm.

You seem to be portraying him ‘acting’ to get sex as a positive. It isn’t. Because it shouldn’t be an act.

@myplace No but getting angry with someone when you can’t have your own way is coercive. Particularly when the angry person is almost certainly bigger and significantly stronger than the person they are angry with. Inevitably women give in out of fear of the consequences, of escalation.

No, it depends on what happens when the man is angry.

Sure, many men are manipulative bastards who engage in all kinds of emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation and even threaten physical violence to get what they want. This happens, no doubt about that.

But surely you are not saying that a man can never be allowed to be angry at his female partner because the mere fact that he is angry is in itself coercion??
Surely you are not saying that, right???

It is perfectly normal and legitimate to be angry in a relationship!! In fact, a relationship where he cannot be angry and he is not allowed to be unhappy with and dislike what she does sounds a lot like emotional abuse to me!!!

The point is not that he's angry - it's how he manifests the anger.
Again, maybe he's a manipulative bastard. But, if he is, the OP has not described it clearly.

I think, OP, I would try and have a discussion about this and how it makes you feel. His response will tell you something, either way. Hopefully it will be positive though and you can both move forward.

Are posters really saying this? Or just mra or bot agitators?

because so far this thread has seen:

OP you are wrong and in fact at fault for projecting for a man being angry you won’t have sex with him yet being horrible to you when you do have sex with him

OP you are probably lying about your own experience which has troubled you enough to be upset and ask for help after having to deal with it alone for over a year

OP you are not allowed to have insecurities about your body that are common amongst women in general and post-birth women in particular

OP you must get into whatever positions the man wants for sex and be make whatever body parts visible and access to him that will increase his desire and pleasure and disregard your own insecurities, unhappiness, bodily autonomy and right to say no

OP you can say no at any stage, to any act, to any position if you do not want to have sex even if you are married to and in love with the man

I agree that a conversation with him would be useful but I am also aware that if he is being both angry and cold at times with you that you may be afraid of raising the issue with him

I have received such care from MN in the past that I can only assume that many of the disgusting replies on this thread are from really unpleasant people who are deliberating trying to harm posters who may already feel vulnerable in an effort to destroy MN as place of support for women

but in real life, on MN, via other means, women will support each other towards lives as free from misogyny as possible

OP, if you do feel afraid of his reaction, seek irl help, if you think you can raise this issue with him, do so at time when you can both engage without interruptions and calmly, perhaps he is unaware of his behaviour and how much it is negatively affecting you but once he is made explicitly aware of it then a change of some description is imperative - that his behaviour changes, or the relationship ends. You do not at any point owe him sex, if he wants sex in a specific way that is not what you want and he feels it so strongly that he refuses to have sex in any other way with you or treats you badly as a result of your ‘no’ then splitting up is best and he can seek a sexual partner that is freely consenting and wishing to have sex in the manner he prefers

@DaisysChains No one has said nor hinted at any of the nonsense you described FFS!!!

As for me, I did not defend the man. I simply said that there are multiple possibilities, from "maybe it's all a misunderstanding that can be fixed" all the way to "maybe he's just a selfish manipulative bastard", but OP will never know until and unless she tries to have a honest, open conversation with him. Why has she not done so yet???

OP you are not allowed to have insecurities about your body that are common amongst women in general and post-birth women in particular

Who has said or implied this? Who? Where? How???
Hinting at the possibility that maybe he sees the OP as attractive and maybe he doesn't share the OP's harsh assessment of her own looks does not mean she is not allowed to have insecurities, if anything, it's the exact opposite, it's a reinforcement that probably he still sees her as beautiful!

OP you must get into whatever positions the man wants for sex and be make whatever body parts visible and access to him that will increase his desire and pleasure and disregard your own insecurities, unhappiness, bodily autonomy and right to say no

Please explain who said or hinted at or implied anything even only remotely similar to this bullshit you have written above. Shame on you!!!

@MoonWoman69 talked about a situation where, if I understand correctly, man and woman solved the problem by communicating. It does not mean that he is entitled to anything, nor that she must satisfy him in whatever way he prefers - only that the couple should communicate FFS!!

I can only assume that many of the disgusting replies on this thread are from really unpleasant people who are deliberating trying to harm posters who may already feel vulnerable in an effort to destroy MN as place of support for women

Please substantiate these nonsensical accusations. Who said what?
I said that she should talk to him and that, until she does, it's hard to know if it's all a misunderstanding or he's a selfish bastard. Is this your definition of a disgusting reply to harm OP??