Husband acts weird after sex

[whythoughsigh]

I've noticed this for the past year now, my sex drive definitely had gotten worse since my last child 18 months ago and have gained a lot of weight, I have had 2 c sections and have a bit of an apron tummy, it's affected my self esteem and I don't like DH seeing me naked with the lights on.

Anyway the last few months he has been initiating sex every week or so (only when he is really horny and frustrated) and gets a bit angry if I refuse. He knows I'm self conscious but doesn't seem to care.

It's like he just wants to scratch an itch, for a couple of days up until we have sex he is very attentive and loving then the minute we do it he turns cold and shows me very little affection and acts like he doesn't want anything to do with me, then a few days later he's really loving and affectionate again. It's really playing with my mind.
It's like those people who watch weird porn when they're horny then get disgusted by themselves afterwards, I have been thinking about it all night and I'm really hurt. It's like he finds me repulsive straight after having his needs met.

.

What are you on about?

the OP clearly states that when she doesn’t want sex, the response towards her is anger? That is an attempt to coerce her into doing something she doesn’t want to.

nobody is saying a male partner can never be angry at a female partner?

I sense you being deliberately obtuse

We have spoken about it many, many times, he always denies it and stays in just imagining things, I most certainly am not.

I have been thinking a lot this morning and I am going to leave him today, he's not the person he made himself out to be, we have been married 4 years and together 2 years before that, albeit not living together.

I have been asking for a wedding ring since we got married and he just keeps saying "when I see the perfect one, I don't want to get you any old rubbish" I would be happy with any old rubbish as it's just a token of the persons love in my opinion, I didn't get him one as he would never wear jewellery of any kind.

I don't work and stay at home with both dc, we don't have a joint account but I use his bank cards and have his online banking on my phone and we are not short of money and he could buy me any ring he wished.

Sorry for rambling on but it has been bothering me for years.

I cannot entertain this life for one more day, I'm packing his things before he gets home from work and leaving it on the doorstep and taking the kids out for tea so hopefully he will be gone.

He treats me like dirt and takes all his anger and stress out on me and I genuinely can't take another day of him.

@Tipsyscripsy And here come the typical insults - how surprising!!!
It's me asking what are you on about.

All the OP has said is that he gets a bit angry if I refuse

This could mean anything.
Yes, it could mean coercion.
Or it could mean that he's simply unhappy, as he's perfectly entitled to be.

I am simply saying that the OP should clarify, because otherwise it is impossible to draw any conclusion.

You, instead, want to interpret "he gets a bit angry if I refuse" as coercion.
You should ask yourself why your first instinct is not to clarify an ambiguous statement, but to interpret it in the worst possible way.

People are allowed to have their emotions without us having to do anything about them. I think if I had sat down and had a proper talk about it all and then they kept on with the anger I would have a problem. Not in the sense that I’d be coerced into sex but in the way that the relationship would probably need to end.

It's more likely he's being nice so you will have sex with him. But how he treats you after is more representative of how he feels about you. He stops making the effort because he got what he wanted. I would Leave you deserve better.
M

@whythoughsigh We have spoken about it many, many times, he always denies it and stays in just imagining things, I most certainly am not.
[...]
He treats me like dirt and takes all his anger and stress out on me and I genuinely can't take another day of him

I am very sorry things have turned out this way.
Your last post paints a very, very different picture to what you described in your first message.

if you have already tried to talk to him and he refuses to acknowledge there is any issue then it's a very different story to what could be inferred from the first message.

Best of luck, OP!

Yes best of luck. Set your bar high because you deserve it! We aren’t robots!

Just seen your update OP.

I'm glad you have made your mind up. It sounds totally the right decision for you given the way he behaves towards you.

All best wishes going forward.

It's like he finds me repulsive straight after having his needs met.

I think that’s you projecting your own insecurities.

HOWEVER, the being really nice and lovely and caring until he has sex and then turning cold on you makes me think he is highly manipulative.
Like the way he is after you have sex is his real him. And being lovely is just a tool to get what he wants.

Interesting too he has refused to get married. After 2 dcs, if he was that caring, he’d have done it (both because it’s important to you and as a safety net for you, esp as a SAHM).

Do you own your house and is it under both of your names? Or are you renting?

Yeah so many men can't combine the two. Hence why even when they're in love and besotted they still want to fuck other women they just see in a sexual light.

This. He doesn't find you repulsive, he just doesn't need to treat you nicely anymore. It's awful.

Yes he gets angry but doesn't direct it fully towards me, he's never forced me to have sex nor could anyone.

I told him last week that I didn't want to live him him any more and he just brushed it aside and went on about how much he loves me, he doesn't love me.
He wants a maid, childminder, cook and sex buddy.

Live with him*

I’m sorry. I ended a 13 year marriage over similar issues. Intimacy issues stemming from miscarriage. He simply saw me like you said as an object, void of any feelings and needs of my own. It’s a horrid realisation. It’s not personal it’s entirely his way of viewing the world and people in it. I hope you have lots of nice people around you otherwise.

@whythoughsigh that’s great you’ve made a decision but if you don’t have a job how do you plan on supporting yourself and your children?

You don’t have a joint account so legally I don’t think you are allowed to just take money from his accounts, which he has every right to cut you off from if you separate. If the house is a marital asset you can ask him to leave but he doesn’t have to, it’s his home too.

I’m concerned you are acting with haste and haven’t got anything in place to move forward practically. Given his poor treatment of you to date it doesn’t sound like he’ll be very cooperative or kind during this process and it would be naive to think he’ll go along with your plan without a fuss.

You might do better to hold off and make some plans before diving head first into the unknown. Obviously not advocating for staying in an abusive or dangerous situation but if it’s safe to maintain the status quo for a few weeks it might be wise.

“He gets angry if I refuse”

OP to me does feel the pressure to be intimate regardless of if she wants to or not. She knows he will get angry and that is something to avoid. It absolutely sounds coercive. He’s only being nice to her leading up to it, to get what he wants, and will get angry with her if she says no. So she doesn’t.

OP think long and hard about how you really feel and if you feel totally safe and not pressured into intimacy. Then if so, have a proper conversation with your DH about his behaviour, the patterns you’ve noticed and most of all his anger if you don’t do what he wants.

Just get out, this is no way to live. Tell him to leave while you think about things and stay in the home with the children, as they shouldn’t be uprooted

In the nicest possible way YOU don't get to speak for him, nor is it a ridiculous to expect your partner to treat you well not just when they want sex. Jesus christ, what do you think relationships are? If being nice to your partner 'drains you mentally', then you're best not being in a relationship.

Men with a dismissive avoidant attachment style do this ALL the time. If this is the case, OP, it's him not you. He needs therapy.

All it does is erode your self esteem further. My ex was like this, although he wouldn't get angry. You have my sympathy.

Ending a marriage because your no longer interested in a sexual relationship & feel pressured (or tension from a partner when your not happy) is also fine...

Nobody owes somebody a marriage because they were happy in the past.