Need honest opinions am I unreasonable?

[Clueless1978]

Been together for 2 years, serious for the last one I guess. I have 3 teenagers and my BF has one young son. Both divorced and I’m trying to navigate through new territory!

BF has his son every weekend (which is great) however every weekend I dread! He constantly messages how he is struggling, what he should do where he should go etc. I use to want to help and I did, I spent time with them. However, I have found it increasingly harder and have decided to withdraw completely. I get on very well with his son, just my BF turns into a different person in everyway. He isn’t nice to be around, he constantly moans and treats his child like a baby. I’m on tender hooks the whole time, I don’t have my kids at weekends they are off doing clubs and sports.

ive tried to talk to him and now at my age want to enjoy my weekends too. So have started meeting up with friends and going away for them. He doesn’t like it and wants me to spend time with them instead.

my BF has some mental health issues and totally struggle’s entertaining him all weekend. Come Monday he is exhausted and he is in a bad mood always! As he misses his son but moans the whole time he has him.

He has every evening free and I’ve suggested he speak to ex about swapping days around. He does some nights during the week and every other weekend. She won’t change and want her weekends every week to herself (part of me doesn’t blame her she is in new relationship)

so I’m stuck! Need your advice please.
start of my relationship wasn’t like this, he saw him twice a week during the week. Had opportunity to have him more but declined as said couldn’t handle it because of mental health.

So I have a BF now who will never be able (he has said this) to go away with me or have a weekend off.

No holiday together unless I give up the time I have with my children and go during the week. Feel like I’m the only one who is going to have to sacrifice. He thinks I should give up that to do things with him

I think this is unfair, I certainly not asking for the world respect his wants to be present for his son. I just can’t see how it’s fair to get the right balance

listen to him moan about having him, then the extreme of upset nights when he doesn’t as missing him. Then me, selfishly wanting to spend time with BF alone just every now and then. Am I unreasonable?

He needs to go legal and have every other weekend and have a couple of over night stays mid week. Tough shit if she wants every weekend free - eow is normal for us divorced folk. Your bf will look forward to one weekend with his son and one child free weekend. His ex prob has bf but it’s a case that things should be fair and says a lot about her if she doesn’t want to do the fun stuff on the weekends.

It’s not unreasonable to want a weekend alone with your bf. This weekend its my partner and my child free weekend ( yes we coordinate this so it happens once a fortnight) and we will go to the theatre and also just spend time together uninterrupted.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. He is very wimpy in my opinion and won’t change it. I know it’s a like it or lump it situation

secondstart1001 did your partner willing change his time to fit in with yours?

Gosh, for me the most off putting bit isn’t the custody arrangements. The man wingeing about having his child, being unpleasant around his child and wanting you there to help him parent his child is a real turn off. As is his passivity about managing the situation.

In what ways is he managing your challenges for you? It sounds as though you are supposed to manage your own life and responsibilities, then do extra for him.

That’s not a very equal relationship.

What exactly is attractive about this whiny manchild?

Why would you want such a loser anywhere near your life and your children.

This is who he is.
Dump.

I'd honestly let him go unless he's going to go to court regarding every other weekend, even so, I think it would be a no go for me based on everything else you've said op.

I am thinking the same about finishing it, I know everyone will think it’s wonderful he has his child every weekend and I feel a bit selfish wanting to be able to go away or actually have a holiday together- but looks like that is never going to happen. If he had his son and didn’t moan keep messaging he is struggling and following day be so off I think I’d just about cope. But it’s so draining and pretty depressing there is no light so to speak as in him saying yes I will sort so we can do something a few times a year!

My useless ExH was like your DP. His girlfriend had her kids very young so when my kids were with their Dad she went away, stayed with her adult daughter and grand kids, weekens away, out with her friends. Was rarely around. Hats off to her, I think she handled it amazingly. Forced him to either step up and parent or find a new place to live. Just harden up and leave him to parent his child. Switch your phone off and don't let yourself get dragged into fixing it. He did step up and they are still together. I admire her ability to leave him to it. I like her, still lothe exH though. 🤣

Besides the weekends, whats appealing about a whiny man?
Honestly whiny children are a dose but they are children, but in an adult it is🤢🤮.

No self awareness whatsoever.

My vagina would be clamped shut.
Too icky.

Ships that pass in the night.

Time to go your own way op.
Even if he got a better schedule do you want to go back to life with a small dc now yours are teens?
Wouldn't be me!!
Tentatively moaning dd is pregnant and I wanted some peace before becoming a dgm!!

Just end it! It doesn’t sound as if having a whiny man who can’t cope with his own child is in any way advantageous to your life. Find someone who is able to parent without using you as a constant sounding board for complaints.

Ugh yes, you're kids aren't babies anymore so don't adopt another - I mean your bf, not his child BTW. The whininess is awful - expecting you to spend the weekends with them is arrogant and selfish, and messaging you that he doesn't know what to do with his own child is, frankly, pathetic.

He's also putting his ex above you, not confronting her but expecting you to fall in with his, and her, plans. It's especially galling he thinks it's fine for you to not be with your children so you can be with him, and then not get any free time yourself at the weekend. Yuck!

I'm divorced and in a relationship too where we both have kids, but we really respect each other's child free time, and we always discuss plans and try to align things so we have time just us. He's not doing the work at all is he?

This doesn't sound great, do you really want to invest more of your life on this relationship?
Every other weekend and some nights during the week sounds like a far more sensible idea but tbh it's up to your boyfriend to sort out. I don't think i would have the energy to get involved in someone else's custody arrangements, I'm in my 40s with a tween and a teen and I also feel like I'm done with the small child stage and it's nice to have a bit more freedom.

It’s not selfish at all, your lives and responsibilities just don’t mesh and it doesn’t work for you. You deserve to have a life and be happy, this just isn’t the right fit.

I don’t think he sounds like a whingey man. He sounds like someone stressed and overwhelmed possibly linked to his mental health issues the OP has mentioned. If he not used to having his child every day it’s prob overwhelming going from zero to everything every weekend as weekends will be full on.

He needs to get a grip and organise a proper fair childcare routine that allows him to see his child more often through the week so it’s therefore more balanced. The ex is calling all the shots here and this guy isn’t getting a weekend to himself and he’s probably feeling guilty for his child and guilty for his partner.

EOW is normal plus a night or two through the week. The child will benefit and OP and her partner get some free time together

I should add it’s up to him to get a grip and get it sorted ASAP it’s not OP’s stuff to try and deal with

Even taking the child out of this I don't know why you would want to be with this man! He sounds really pathetic. I would end the relationship and let him deal with with his own ex partner. It's not fair that he has every weekend but that's for them to sort out. Set yourself free!

Yes we both tweaked our times so eow we are child free. Works out well but there are odd times it can’t be like that if my kids need me. He was very willing as there’s something to be said of being child free , lie ins, dates, or just spending quality time at home.

I don’t understand why you can’t take a day or two off during the week sometimes?

But apart from that, him not being able to look after his own child is awful.

He sounds hard work.

I have my older children during the week, but my ex has has them 2 nights a week to attend sports and eow. So see BF on then nights and I’m ok to give up an extra day to do something, I’ve spoken to my ex a said I would like to go on holiday are you ok to have the girls for a week he said no problem

so I can be flexible, BF won’t be and he won’t start is ex. So no holidays no horizon or weekends together for years! I didn’t know if I’m unreasonable asking him one weekend every now and then even 4 times a year just to do something together. He self employed and won’t take any time off during the week either! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Bedford85
he really does struggle as you’ve rightly said zero to hundred and no signs of changing. Think he carries guilt for leaving ex when child was 2, as he didn’t really want to have children in first place. Ex wife gave him ultimatum that she would leave guess he loved her enough to have one. So messed up and now I’m stuck in like it or lump it situation

You aren’t stuck in it. You’re being as lame and passive as him.
He doesn’t parent his child properly. He doesn’t flex around anyone else’s needs. He interrupts your free weekends to moan about his responsibilities.

It’s easy, bin him off.

You’re right
thank you x

Fakery @Clueless1978 I didn’t mean to sound harsh.

I feel you’ve accidentally taken on responsibility for him and how he is and whether he’s ok. He is an adult and needs to resolve this himself. Support when someone is actively making change is one thing. He seems to have passed it all over to you.

You don’t have to fix him, hold him up, or reduce your life and hopes because of him.

We should make each other’s lives better and our world bigger, not the opposite. 💐