Is rushing always a bad thing? Stay split or not?

[angelpa]

Hi. Context my partner is 22 I'm 25. I have an 8 year old who has Audhd.

Me and my partner have known each other 4 years. In this time he met my child and he and I have Always been close until we drifted a part for a year. We recently rekindled 2 months ago and things went quick! He proposed recently and came to live with me. I got pregnant- unplanned, however lost the baby.

Recently with all outside stressors of his job, my cat had kittens and our recent loss we haven't mad me anytime for eachother . We've been bickering, a lot! It didn't help that when we first got together he'd lied about a few things from the past year, talking negatively about me towards his friend his no longer talks to, lying about having a licence, and little white lies that seem bigger as there's a few. Don't get me wrong I am not easy to deal with, I can be argumentative, bossy and I suffer quite bad with ocd so sharing my space is difficult and you can imagine how that goes with a man who's used to living freely in a way.

The arguments are usually mild however we had an argument the other day, fuelled by alcohol, (whilst my daughter was with her father)he said some very hurtful things about me not being an intellectual and being lower than him, made a comment about a certain part of my body and put his hands up to grab my arm or face. Although he didn't.

I must say he is a good man, he has good morals, respectful generally, good education, good job, drive, but slightly immature which is understandable seeing as I had to grow up quickly having a baby at 17 and I'm older.

he only has until jan 31st to choose whether to leave his job or move back to where he was originally living to continue (4 hours away).

He's chosen to leave, and has left however we both miss each other terribly he said he wasn't going to change his mind however after speaking to me said he wants to come back. Although I want him I'm worried it's not the right thing, advice?

You're meant to be in the happy honeymoon period. This the best it's going to be.

put his hands up to grab my arm or face. Although he didn't.

And the fact he even considered that for a millisecond means you should send him packing.

No genuinely decent respectful man turns into a disrespectful nasty, potentially violent, man in an argument. Only a man who is hiding that day-to-day does that.

You're worth more. Your child is worth more than that in your home.

Letting this man back into your life would be letting your son down terribly, to be brutally honest.

Generally, I am in favour of people doing all they can to work out their relationship problems, as many give up far too easily. In your case, he is not the father of your child, you are young, have already split previously, he sounds like an absolute arse and has already left, I say keep it that way.

Read your post back and imagine it was your daughter asking if she should try again. Would you still say this was a 'good man'? I hope you would say no.

Your daughter, that was supposed to say.

To get back with this man would be to prioritise him over your children.

You simply can't take the risk.

Not the man for you & your dear son from your description of him, he sounds very immature & 4 hours away is a huge distance.

No. Red flag central. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is what a healthy relationship looks like? Do you want her to grow up and end up in abusive relationships because that’s what you unfortunately modelled to her?

He is not a good guy. He’s a dangerous guy. Maybe he didn’t hit you this time but it’s in the post if you stay with him. Don’t risk putting yourself in danger and traumatising your daughter. Be also told you that he sees you as beneath him. That tells you everything you need to know.

On top of this, he’s a proven liar. You need someone you can trust and you can’t trust him because he’s a liar.

Do NOT get pregnant again. You do not need to be having another baby with a guy who’s a known liar and potentially violent. You don’t need to bring children into an environment of constant bickering and arguing. That’s not fair on the children and they deserve better. As do you.

Have a read of this book. It will help you understand how the minds of abusive men work and help you to spot red flags in the future. Stay single for a while and even when you do meet someone, do not move them in or move in with them. Keep your own house. You don’t need to live with someone to have a relationship with them and your daughter doesn’t need men coming in and out of her life if it doesn’t work out. That’s unfair and damaging for her.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I don’t know what your upbringing was like but it seems to me you might need to build your self esteem up and raise the bar of what a healthy relationship is. This is not it.

"I must say he is a good man, he has good morals, respectful generally..."

NOT HE ISN'T. Give your head a wobble honestly.

"good education..."

Big deal. He still sounds like a dick.

"slightly immature"

Slightly? Slightly op? Come on. He's an immature moron who needs to grow up a lot before he's even anywhere close to "slightly immature".

He put his hands up to you, humiliates you and degrades parts of your body.

Throw him away and stop exposing yourself and your child to this imbecile.

I am working with a young woman who has just made the fatal mistake of taking on a man as a project. I saw them for couples therapy and she eas so starry eyed and determined to make it work . Got pregnant and had the baby and set them wedding date for a year after baby was born. Right before baby he collapsed into addiction. Right before wedding he collapsed into a new diagnosis ( long delayed) of EUPD. And now she has the impossible task of unshitting the bed she made.

Don’t go further with this shiny boy. He will fuck you up.

My fear is I have caused the stress. I have suffered with codependency in the past especially with my dd father. Four years of physical emotional and mental abuse.

I don't like to give up unless I've tried everything. I feel like it's a waste and I have caused this drama.

You need some support to stop yourself entering abusive relationships repeatedly OP. You owe it to your child as well as yourself.

You've been conditioned by your first abuser to believe that you are the problem and you carry this mindset into future relationships. Abusive men spot this vulnerability, reel you in with what's called love bombing (moving very fast and telling you all the fairytale stuff you long to hear) then the cycle of abuse starts and you're so confused by the 'but he is lovely really' fallacy that you stay despite being abused.

Does that sound familiar?

Please look up the cycle of abuse and also The Freedom Programme.

You need to be single for a while and focus on your child, while you heal from your past experiences of abuse.

To get back with a man like this, who has ever raised so much as a finger to you in anger, is to let your child down. Please don't let them down.

You both deserve better but your child doesn't have the choice so you need to make the right decision on their behalf.

Read the book I posted earlier and do the freedom programme. You are not the cause of the abuse. Abuse is a choice that abusive men make because it benefits them.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

@TipsyJoker
Thank you. I
Will give it a read.

@Flatbellyfella
The distance is long. But he would want to live back here so if there was anything to happen he would have been living here again.

The arguments are usually mild however we had an argument the other day, fuelled by alcohol, (whilst my daughter was with her father)he said some very hurtful things about me not being an intellectual and being lower than him, made a comment about a certain part of my body and put his hands up to grab my arm or face.

OP do you think this is a safe man to have around your child? He isn't.

He was adamant in his drink state he was just flapping his hands around and didn't mean to make it look like he was going to grab me. The little white lies I can forgive but this I couldn't. Unless he is telling the truth.

Is it not possible I just over reacted to that. Don't get me wrong we need to work on a lot especially away from my child.

@angelpa

Is it not possible I just over reacted to that. Don't get me wrong we need to work on a lot especially away from my child.

You're under reacting.

I've been with my partner for five years and we have a child together.

He has never called me a name, never called me stupid, never made a negative comment about my body, never raised a hand to me.

That's nothing special, that's not me bragging, because it's just how it is in a normal, healthy relationship.

You've been in a relationship with this man for 60 days and he's done all of those things in one argument alone.

This relationship is unhealthy, toxic and a danger to your children.

It would be so selfish to continue seeing him at all. You need to put your children first. Keeping them away from him physically while just continuing to date him isn't doing that.

You've projected onto this relationship your idea of romance and fairytales. But it's not a healthy relationship.

You've already been in one abusive relationship. Unfortunately that statistically means you're more likely to get into another one. Please don't be a statistic.

Just because he isn't as bad as your previous abuser doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

Your child already has a man in their life who is abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally, even if the abuse was directed at you rather than the child) and it is your job now to ensure they don't have to have any more abusive men in their lives.

Please don't stay with him. Doing so is choosing your feelings for him (which are hugely affected by your previous abuse and skewed view of what a good relationship looks like) over the wellbeing of your child.

You shouldn’t need to “work in a lot” in a healthy relationship. If you are both right for each other, respect each other, sincerely love each other what are the things that need to be fixed in order for you to be lovely and happy together?

Someone once said to me that good relationships have problems that the two of you solve together. Bad relationships are characterized by partners who find fault and treat the other partner as the problem.

Your bf told you outright that you weren’t good enough for him. That is: you are the problem. The solution is to end the relationship not tey to fix yourself so he pretends to like you more or doesn’t assault you.

@whathaveIforgotten said it better.

And OP please consider doing The Freedom Programme. Have a Google and you'll see why.

You moved a man into your home, that you share with your eight year old Audhd daughter, within 60 days of starting your relationship.

That is not adequately safeguarding your daughter and you need to acknowledge that in order to start making better decisions.

I'll say that bit again:

You moved a man into your home, that you share with your eight year old Audhd daughter, within 60 days of starting your relationship.

If another mum told you they'd done this, would you genuinely and objectively think that it was a sensible decision in the best interest of their child?

This man is no good for you or your daughter, but you have a choice about it and she doesn't

And you believe this line of bullshit? That he was just drunk and flapping around? Please don't be so dangerously naive. Like another poster said, you are under-reacting. Abusers escalate, always, and he has nascent abuser written all over him.

Please keep this man out of your life. Do it for your daughter if you won't do it for yourself. She deserves better than him.

My rule of thumb here: Never Get Back Together

Whenever people get back together, most of the time nothing fundamental has changed about either person and the problem that broke them up to begin with are still going to be there. Set your feelings aside here and see that it's an exercise in futility.

This guy was vile to you, said things he should never have said. You don't need to be with someone who thinks you are beneath him.

@LifeExperience
Sorry can't find it online what is nascent abuser?

Also I don't want it to seem like I'm brushing this off and not taking it serious. I am taking in everything that was said. I didn't make it clear in the first message but he was already on the way back when I made the post. My child is not here for the weekend. Me and him are discussing things but I think it's made it harder for long run.

If I’m being kind, I’d say he is young and immature and needs to grow up and that growing up needs to be independent of a relationship. The lies aren’t small, they are indicative of his immaturity and avoidant.

It’s obvious you want a happy ending but rushing things, especially when you have a child, was ill advised.

This all or nothing approach won’t end well. If continuing to be in a relationship with this man is dependent on him living with you, then I would advise that you to let him go.

If you haven’t already followed a domestic abuse awareness program, I’d suggest you take one.

I promise promise promise you that with a healthy partner who is a good fit for you, it really isn't this hard. Let alone just 60 days into the relationship!

He called you stupid, insulted your body and raised his hands to you as if he was going to hit you.

There is no way of framing this that means you can stay in a relationship with him and put your child first.

You do need to choose and I appreciate that feels hard and that you'd built him up in your head to be 'the good guy' after your abusive ex but unfortunately he is another 'not good for you' (or your child) guy.

Please please consider The Freedom Programme.

He’s abusive. How many times do you have to be told that he’s not a good guy and you and your child shouldn’t be anywhere near him? Of course he’s full of excuses. He’s not going to come out and say to your face, “I’m an abusive man who’s a danger to you and your child” is he?