Is rushing always a bad thing? Stay split or not?

[angelpa]

Hi. Context my partner is 22 I'm 25. I have an 8 year old who has Audhd.

Me and my partner have known each other 4 years. In this time he met my child and he and I have Always been close until we drifted a part for a year. We recently rekindled 2 months ago and things went quick! He proposed recently and came to live with me. I got pregnant- unplanned, however lost the baby.

Recently with all outside stressors of his job, my cat had kittens and our recent loss we haven't mad me anytime for eachother . We've been bickering, a lot! It didn't help that when we first got together he'd lied about a few things from the past year, talking negatively about me towards his friend his no longer talks to, lying about having a licence, and little white lies that seem bigger as there's a few. Don't get me wrong I am not easy to deal with, I can be argumentative, bossy and I suffer quite bad with ocd so sharing my space is difficult and you can imagine how that goes with a man who's used to living freely in a way.

The arguments are usually mild however we had an argument the other day, fuelled by alcohol, (whilst my daughter was with her father)he said some very hurtful things about me not being an intellectual and being lower than him, made a comment about a certain part of my body and put his hands up to grab my arm or face. Although he didn't.

I must say he is a good man, he has good morals, respectful generally, good education, good job, drive, but slightly immature which is understandable seeing as I had to grow up quickly having a baby at 17 and I'm older.

he only has until jan 31st to choose whether to leave his job or move back to where he was originally living to continue (4 hours away).

He's chosen to leave, and has left however we both miss each other terribly he said he wasn't going to change his mind however after speaking to me said he wants to come back. Although I want him I'm worried it's not the right thing, advice?

I know this thread is old. But can anyone give further advice? I found out I was pregnant. Two days after this. He's still here. We have a scan today and more work up in 2 days he wants to stay for that. But honestly I'm so annoyed and panicked about everything , I'm turning into someone I never thought I'd be. should I let him stay? I already co-parent with one narcissist that moved to Spain. This one lives 4 hours away. I don't really believe in ab ( for myself only) wouldn't feel right after 5 loses with ddf.

End the relationship now. End it because it won’t get better. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your children. You’ve ended up pregnant again to another abusive man, which was really not very responsible of you. But now, you have to protect both your children. So get rid of him now, block him throughout your pregnancy and then make arrangements for him to see his child in a neutral place after it’s born. You have to deal with this now. This is where you’re at and you have to start making smart choices about how you move forward. Get rid of him. Get security cameras up like a ring doorbell. Once he’s out of the property to go to work or whatever he does, (does he work?) change the locks, message him to say it’s over and you will be in touch when the baby is born to arrange contact and then block him. On your phone, email, social media. Full no contact. If he harasses you by coming to your home, keep the door locked and call the police. Have him arrested. Repeat any time he does it. Block all his friends and family too so he can’t use them as his flying monkeys. Get in touch with women’s aid to get support to end this relationship and speak to your midwife about what’s happening too. They can support you. Get your head out of the sand and take steps to protect yourself and your children.

@TipsyJoker
He does have a job... until January 31st.
He was looking for a job in my area. However that didn't go well and now he's meant to be going home, he's looking for a job there (4hrs away) although im
Not sure whether he will as his aunt has offered to pay for the rest of his education so he will no longer be a junior at his future job, but a senior.

We have broken up. I was strong in my decision and then this.. I've had 4 previous miscarriages but this is the furthest since my dd I've got into pregnancy at all and with all positive signs , scans bloods etc.. so it's looking strong.

He wants to be part of scans, tests, heartbeat etc.. I would feel terrible stripping him off that.

OP, I'm going to guess you didn't have the best childhood seeing as your first relationship was abusive? Due to this, are you aware that you've been almost groomed to fall into another abusive relationship? Statistically, this is very common.
Knowing that you are more susceptible to this, you need to be hyper alert to red flags, you need to learn what those flags are and take the best care of yourself to avoid this pattern. Work out what you really want from a relationship and don't settle for anything less. Respect, empathy and kindness should be on that list.

We can all see these are big red flags, I think deep down you know it too which is why you posted. You know you don't want to end up in another abusive relationship, so please stop blaming yourself for his actions and instead congratulate yourself for recognising unacceptable behaviour.

Sorry, posted too soon. He doesn't need to be at the scans etc if you don't want him to be, and it's OK to not want him to be. Consequences of his poor treatment of you are his problem. If you think you can have a co-parenting relationship with him, and want him to come along, fine, but only if he treats you well.

No not really. Great mum, on her own, picked up dad's bad habits, who was narcissistic and abusive. He is still here as I can't seem to make the break. Adamant I don't want a relationship but can't break the cycle and he's stuck around for all the appointments. Thank you for all the advice.

You need to start setting firm boundaries because this guy is going to walk all over you whether you’re together or not. Don’t have him in your house. Get him out. You don’t need to have him at any scans or appointments. Take a friend or family member instead. Him stressing you out is not good for your baby.

This would be a lot easier if he was actually stressing me. He's being an angel helping with everything & providing some support. But he is leaving first thing.

Rushing isn't a bad thing no, but it is when there are so many red flags OP. If you really want to do tie the relationship I'd suggest long distance for now but I don t think he's the right one for you.

That’s the cycle of abuse. Treat you like shit, reel you back in saying and doing all the right things to then slowly start ramping up the abuse again.