How do you know if you still love partner in a long term relationship?

Lurkingandlearning · 16/01/2025 13:28

I guess if you think your life would be better without them. If they constantly irritate you when just going about their business. You have no interest in their wellbeing or life. You have no respect for them.

Sorry I misread it. ☝️how you know you don’t love them imo

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 16/01/2025 13:30

Imagine they are with someone else-places you have been together.. And how you would feel if he was having sex with another woman..
If you care not a jot maybe time to end the relationship..

VanCleefArpels · 16/01/2025 13:35

Do you enjoy doing things together, do you chat about stuff not to do with house/kids/work, do you think about them when you are apart, does thinking about their death upset you, do you make plans and look forward to holidays or activities together, do you make each other laugh, do you care what they think about the way you look…..

these are the things that indicate a deep love in a long term relationship imvho

DoloresODonovan · 16/01/2025 13:39

usually when the marriage is threatened, OW, time consuming hobby, illness, retirement! parental or inlaw interference, prolonged periods apart through work,

realkfjs · 16/01/2025 13:41

I suppose when you have to ask yourself that says a lot in itself? Been with my husband 20 years, I love him more than ever. I just know.

DoloresODonovan · 16/01/2025 13:52

Bluebellsnowdrop · 16/01/2025 12:23

Been together over 20 years. Last couple of years felt distant and don't know if I still love him. Just wanted to ask others that have been together long term how it feels after the initial attraction/infatuation wears off?

Paul Newman/ Joanne Woodward interview on this subject, Joanne said,
‘I knew he was good looking and sexy and all that but when all thats done,
if you can make them laugh… so important, genuine laughter and a partner
who understands the importance of being humorous and makes an effort to
cause laughter, makes everyone happy.
Living with someone gloomy, ponderous, ill tempered and humourless stretches anyone’s patience, life is too short !

OhBling · 16/01/2025 13:54

For me it's quite simple - do I like the idea of him not being in this relationship or being in another relationship? Is he the person I go to for comfort and support? Do I feel loved and supported by him? Do we still laugh together? Do I talk to him. Do I feel safe with hinm?

But really, it all just comes down to is he someone I actively wnat in my life. There are loads of epople I like and enjoy spending time with but honestly, if they weren't in my life, it would make very little difference to me. That's not how I feel about DH.

Pashazade · 16/01/2025 13:58

He made me giggle for the first time in ages the other day, proper giggle. It made my heart flip, we've been a bit up and down this past year for various reasons but we work it out and he is still the first person I want to talk to when the chips are down and life goes tits up. That's how I know, he's still my person, even when I don't fancy the pants off him, he's still the one I go to. Having witnessed how adrift my MIL is since becoming a widow I realise I would feel the same if I lost DH. 25 years and counting.

SpoonForYou · 16/01/2025 13:59

It feels like I am married to my best friend, the one I can tell anything to, the one who supports me, someone who has seen me at my lowest (Mum died) and my happiest. We enjoy spending time together, have conversations, know that we disagree on something but it doesn't affect our relationship, there is no animosity even though I am clearly right.

But, we treat this like we have only been dating a year. Phones down, conversations whilst actually looking at each other, carving time out away from the children and most importantly remembering that this is the person who I love so I wouldn't want to see him upset or unhappy especially if the cause was me.

Original poster

Bluebellsnowdrop · 16/01/2025 13:59

Lurkingandlearning · 16/01/2025 13:28

I guess if you think your life would be better without them. If they constantly irritate you when just going about their business. You have no interest in their wellbeing or life. You have no respect for them.

Sorry I misread it. ☝️how you know you don’t love them imo

He irritates me quite a lot. I find I am wanting to spend more time on my own, or with other people. I think about living in my own house and doing what I want, and not having to tidy up after him! But I wonder if a lot of people feel like this about their other half when they've been together a long time? I wouldn't say I have no interest in his well being. I care about him, but not sure if it's love?

OP posts:

Rictasmorticia · 16/01/2025 14:02

Most long term relationships drift into companionship rather than love. Love is a hard emotion to define.

I think it means that your heart no longer quickens at the thought of them. You are happy to see them but not excited by their presence.

onemoreforthis · 16/01/2025 14:04

I think if you have to ask, you don't anymore.

Original poster

Bluebellsnowdrop · 16/01/2025 14:06

SpoonForYou · 16/01/2025 13:59

It feels like I am married to my best friend, the one I can tell anything to, the one who supports me, someone who has seen me at my lowest (Mum died) and my happiest. We enjoy spending time together, have conversations, know that we disagree on something but it doesn't affect our relationship, there is no animosity even though I am clearly right.

But, we treat this like we have only been dating a year. Phones down, conversations whilst actually looking at each other, carving time out away from the children and most importantly remembering that this is the person who I love so I wouldn't want to see him upset or unhappy especially if the cause was me.

That is lovely. I wish it felt like that for me, but it doesn't. He says he loves me but a lot of the time it doesn't feel like it. I feel like the love got chipped away over the years, and I'm just wondering if it's still there but changed, or if it's no longer love but more like friends.

OP posts:

NovemberMorn · 16/01/2025 14:11

Long term relationships change, it's inevitable.
No one, even if they pretend they do, feels the same after 20 years together.
Lusty sex isn't as often, little niggles can turn into major irritations, familiarity can seem boring.
But...if you still enjoy each others company, if the thought of not being with him makes you sad, if imagining him being with someone else makes you really sad, and if you can make each other laugh, both in and out of bed....I reckon you still love him.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 16/01/2025 14:11

We’ve been together 36 years, married 32. Obviously we’ve had ups and downs in that time - some of the time I’ve felt madly in love, some of the time I’ve felt not happy with him at all, most of the time I’ve felt happy that we’re together in a contentedly mundane sort of way. I think that’s pretty normal. DH and I have a strong relationship and are both extremely committed to each other. We enjoy being together and doing things together at the weekend and evenings but also spend plenty of time with individual friends; we make each other laugh; we have the same goals for our relationship; we take it seriously when the other person isn’t happy about something and try to work it out in a calm, kind way; we still enjoy sex together. I think that these are the sort of things that happen when you love the other person.

HOWEVER, life, hormones, kids etc can all get in the way of the above and you can easily end up in a place where you feel on your own in a relationship, that you’re not pulling together, or making each other laugh or enjoying spending time together. We’ve been there too on occasion. This is where having the same goals for the relationship comes in and where we’ve both had to dig deep to build up the relationship again and to restore what’s been lost, particularly where selfishness has crept in.

Can you pinpoint what is contributing to the lack of closeness? Would you say that you both care about the other person and still want the best for them? Is it a case of gradual drift and now it’s really hard to get back on track or are there big incidents that have led to the distance between you? Feelings in and of themselves are not necessarily the be all and end all when it comes to love. Your intentions and actions are also part of what it means to love someone. Obviously it’s a two-way thing but when there is good intent and commitment on both sides to invest in the other person’s wellbeing, feelings can often be rekindled. It’s hard to know of this is the case for you, without knowing your particular circumstances, but I will say that good communication and a commitment to work things out can have a dramatic effect on the way you feel about someone.
I really hope you can sort this out.

Ladyj84 · 16/01/2025 14:16

Well 21 almost 22 gosh I'm almost 40haha anyway years on I love him even more than I ever did and never once doubted it back from him either. Still the first person I think of several times a day,still the guy I want to share all the good and bad things with first, still the man who adores me and our kids and supports us. Still the man that makes me chuckle with silly daft jokes and pranks years on, still the one I adore being cuddled with before sleep comes. Still the one I worry the heck about if he is extra late from work and I think something has happened. I adore my man and we work together at our marriage from chat, fun, sharing chores, supporting each others own hobbies and together ones, still having fun weekends away. He is my everything 😉☺️

Starlight1984 · 16/01/2025 14:20

SpoonForYou · 16/01/2025 13:59

It feels like I am married to my best friend, the one I can tell anything to, the one who supports me, someone who has seen me at my lowest (Mum died) and my happiest. We enjoy spending time together, have conversations, know that we disagree on something but it doesn't affect our relationship, there is no animosity even though I am clearly right.

But, we treat this like we have only been dating a year. Phones down, conversations whilst actually looking at each other, carving time out away from the children and most importantly remembering that this is the person who I love so I wouldn't want to see him upset or unhappy especially if the cause was me.

All of this.

Plus I can't wait to get home to him at the end of the day. Even if the second I walk through the door it's chaos, unloading shopping, putting a wash on, cooking dinner... Just seeing his face and him being there makes everything better.

Original poster

Bluebellsnowdrop · 16/01/2025 14:20

CountryGirlInTheCity · 16/01/2025 14:11

We’ve been together 36 years, married 32. Obviously we’ve had ups and downs in that time - some of the time I’ve felt madly in love, some of the time I’ve felt not happy with him at all, most of the time I’ve felt happy that we’re together in a contentedly mundane sort of way. I think that’s pretty normal. DH and I have a strong relationship and are both extremely committed to each other. We enjoy being together and doing things together at the weekend and evenings but also spend plenty of time with individual friends; we make each other laugh; we have the same goals for our relationship; we take it seriously when the other person isn’t happy about something and try to work it out in a calm, kind way; we still enjoy sex together. I think that these are the sort of things that happen when you love the other person.

HOWEVER, life, hormones, kids etc can all get in the way of the above and you can easily end up in a place where you feel on your own in a relationship, that you’re not pulling together, or making each other laugh or enjoying spending time together. We’ve been there too on occasion. This is where having the same goals for the relationship comes in and where we’ve both had to dig deep to build up the relationship again and to restore what’s been lost, particularly where selfishness has crept in.

Can you pinpoint what is contributing to the lack of closeness? Would you say that you both care about the other person and still want the best for them? Is it a case of gradual drift and now it’s really hard to get back on track or are there big incidents that have led to the distance between you? Feelings in and of themselves are not necessarily the be all and end all when it comes to love. Your intentions and actions are also part of what it means to love someone. Obviously it’s a two-way thing but when there is good intent and commitment on both sides to invest in the other person’s wellbeing, feelings can often be rekindled. It’s hard to know of this is the case for you, without knowing your particular circumstances, but I will say that good communication and a commitment to work things out can have a dramatic effect on the way you feel about someone.
I really hope you can sort this out.

Sounds like you have a great relationship.
For me I would say the lack of closeness stems from his short temper, and the way he sometimes speaks to me. I've felt lonely quite a lot during our marriage, and I think it takes it's toll. He seems to have improved a bit over the last year or so, but I just don't know if I have enough feelings for him anymore. When I ask myself if I love him, I honestly don't know. But I think that in itself must mean that I don't.

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 16/01/2025 14:23

Bluebellsnowdrop · 16/01/2025 13:59

He irritates me quite a lot. I find I am wanting to spend more time on my own, or with other people. I think about living in my own house and doing what I want, and not having to tidy up after him! But I wonder if a lot of people feel like this about their other half when they've been together a long time? I wouldn't say I have no interest in his well being. I care about him, but not sure if it's love?

Show quote history

I’ve been with DH nearly 20 years and I wouldn’t say I’ve ever thought I’d prefer to live alone or spend more time without him.

It’s natural to get a bit irritated by someone you live with though and I definitely get annoyed tidying up behind him. The little sausage has a way of soaking the kitchen worktop every time he turns the tap on.

pinkwaffles · 16/01/2025 14:23

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 16/01/2025 13:30

Imagine they are with someone else-places you have been together.. And how you would feel if he was having sex with another woman..
If you care not a jot maybe time to end the relationship..

Not sure jealousy and love are quite the same.

I've known several couples no longer in love/ break up who still experience intense jealousy when their ex gets with someone new, even if they no longer want to be together themselves. It's partly an ego thing.

Equally, you can love someone, know you are not right for them and that they are better with someone else, and allow that to happen.

SpoonForYou · 16/01/2025 14:24

Well I suppose there is only one way to find out if you can rebuild it. Work out where you do connect and concentrate on that. Watch a tv show together and talk about it, listen to a podcast separately but come together to talk about that. I don't know if you have children or their ages which can massively impact the relationship and the time you have available for each other.

Do you have children?

I think reframing your thoughts too instead of wondering what you could have work on what you have already got. If you have children then it is as simple as you get to see them every day. Work out what you would lose if you were to leave this marriage. Build on what you have. Find common ground especially if it is something you can laugh about together. Dh and I (and our adults children) share clips or things we think are funny with each other.

We have been married 25 years and together almost 29.

I am not saying be miserable every day for the rest of your life but at least give this a shot before you say no more. And talk to him.

pinkwaffles · 16/01/2025 14:25

I think if you love someone you just know.

If you don't know whether you love them, you probably don't.

Rh0dedenr0n · 16/01/2025 14:32

It comes down to one thing - if your needs are not being met you fall out of love. What do you need from a partner that he isn't giving you? If he's not capable of giving you what you need, or he won't, then leave.

NeedsMustNet · 16/01/2025 18:46

Bluebellsnowdrop · 16/01/2025 14:20

Sounds like you have a great relationship.
For me I would say the lack of closeness stems from his short temper, and the way he sometimes speaks to me. I've felt lonely quite a lot during our marriage, and I think it takes it's toll. He seems to have improved a bit over the last year or so, but I just don't know if I have enough feelings for him anymore. When I ask myself if I love him, I honestly don't know. But I think that in itself must mean that I don't.

Show quote history

The fact that you have felt lonely at times during the course of your marriage suggests that your husband hasn’t met some of your emotional or other needs in this time.
How do you feel when you spend time away from him? Is it an improvement on your shared time together? Do you feel more yourself?

OOOtil2025 · 16/01/2025 19:15

@SpoonForYou has it nailed. If you don’t feel like you’re with your best friend, the one you really love, that’s it. If you don’t grow together then you certainly grow apart.