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Original poster

Where's the elusive spark ?

47 replies

Rosiecidar · 15/01/2025 16:48

Met a really nice guy last week through OLD , at lunchtime. We talked on the phone before hand and he suggested a coffee and walk...at the same time. It was freezing! Agreed to meet again after the "date" but got a message, saying sorry didn't feel a spark.
Really quite disappointed.
My thoughts

  • Is that even possible when you're walking and looking forward rather than at each other?
  • I know someone who won't do coffee dates because he says you're starting off in friendzone.
I know lots of MN folk will say it takes a few dates.

None of my photos are more than a year old, I haven't changed. I almost wonder if you can engineer a spark, I read that you have to have eye contact but that's not really that easy...you"d think it would be.. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
cleowasmycat · 15/01/2025 16:51

OLD is brutal. Don't take it personally. Some men just like to serial 'date' and rarely follow it up.

pikkumyy77 · 15/01/2025 16:54

Don’t take it personally. He doesn’t feel whatever he needs to feel but that has nothing to do with you.

ManHereSorry · 15/01/2025 16:55

You can’t engineer a spark, he either fancies you or he doesn’t. Better that you know after one date rather than ten.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 15/01/2025 16:57

Didn’t feel a spark is just “don’t call us. We’ll call you” for dating.

It doesn’t matter why, maybe he had a better date later that evening. Maybe you slurped your coffee or he didn’t like your shoes? Maybe you told him you like watching Mrs Browns Boys?

Whatever the reason, he wasn’t interested in seeing you to find out more but didn’t want to say that. That’s ok, he’s not for you. Next!

TwistedWonder · 15/01/2025 17:01

Coffee dates are absolutely fine but that’s as in sitting down in a cafe, drinking and chatting. Sorry but to me a walk is not a date. I don’t see a coffee date as any different to a bar/pub date - certainly not friend zone.

Ive had several dates with really nice guys but they’re was nothing there. It’s absolutely normal, that’s the point of a date to see if it’s worth pursuing

mondaytosunday · 15/01/2025 17:03

So he wasn't interested and saying 'no spark' is just a convenient out. In future though have a sit down coffee and then go tug a walk if you want to keep on talking.
Not sure about a coffee being a 'friend zone' thing. It's short and if things aren't 'sparking' easy to get out of.

Iamacatslave · 15/01/2025 17:05

Sadly it means he didn’t fancy you. You need to develop a thick skin on OLD.

Madamegreen · 15/01/2025 17:49

Spark is the physical and chemical attraction. If it's not there it's not there.
At least he let you know and didn't lead you on...

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 15/01/2025 18:33

I think the problem with a walk is you’re looking where you’re going, not at each other! Difficult to sense a spark.
I met DP through OLD. We met, had a coffee and cake then went for a walk. I knew by the end of that date there was a spark (and the kiss clinched it). Equally, prior to meeting DP, I went on two dates with a guy where there really was no spark (again kiss confirmed it). I do generally assume everyone is chatting to/dating other people. I found out later that the second guy went on a second date with me Sunday, said he didn’t feel a spark on Tuesday, booked a spontaneous mini break with someone ‘as a couple’ on the Wednesday and went away on Friday! No big issue from my perspective, it was only two dates, but clearly he’d been seeing someone else long enough to commit to a mini break as a couple whilst dating me 🤷🏻‍♀️ So yeah, I felt like a back up option and the ‘no spark’ thing was just an easy excuse for the reality of ‘I’ve been dating two people and I’ve decided to pick the other person’. Your date may have been in a similar position.
I’d say I’ve only felt a ‘spark’ with a couple of people my whole life (and not the man I married!) so it is rare but also it’s an easy excuse.

876543A · 15/01/2025 18:33

I have watched my friend go through some real horrendous OLD experiences in the last few months, and I think if there's no spark at the beginning its better you know earlier than later down the line. My friend had regular dates with a guy over the course of approx 3 months, went to see shows, visited each others houses etc, put up christmas tree together, seemed to have similar interests, had booked to go away together and then he completely out of the blue text her to tell her he didn't see a future in it but nice getting to know her, and then he blocked her on everything before she could even reply! She was heartbroken, and has had a few similar let downs as well with other guys. I listen to her stories and I just wonder how she copes with it all. Its a constant emotional rollercoaster and I know it wouldn't be for me.

TwistedWonder · 15/01/2025 18:36

A lot of men would have had a few more dates to try and get sex before they come out with the ‘no spark’ line do at least hrs been honest

AlexandrinaH · 15/01/2025 18:50

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 15/01/2025 16:57

Didn’t feel a spark is just “don’t call us. We’ll call you” for dating.

It doesn’t matter why, maybe he had a better date later that evening. Maybe you slurped your coffee or he didn’t like your shoes? Maybe you told him you like watching Mrs Browns Boys?

Whatever the reason, he wasn’t interested in seeing you to find out more but didn’t want to say that. That’s ok, he’s not for you. Next!

And at least he let you know - that’s rare these days!

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 15/01/2025 20:48

That's interesting. In the past if I found someone nice I would want to get to know them a little more before saying there's no spark. I had a date a while ago where someone said "I found you really interesting and attractive but my gut feeling is we wouldn't be compatible" and I knew why, we just wanted different things. But we had spent a couple of hours talking. Oh well the guy who I went for the freezing walk with has never had an OLD so maybe an element of seeing what's out there ..

OP posts:
OneOliveEagle · 15/01/2025 21:05

For me, the so-called spark is an immediate thing. And I mean immediate - upon first sight, within seconds.

waterrat · 15/01/2025 21:24

He is saying he doesn't fancy you. I think it's fine to feel that immediately

Also he may just have clicked more with someone else that is another down side of online dating

It's really hard but try not to waste any thought on it. Much better than wasting time .

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 15/01/2025 21:42

So I agree with what a spark is, but there's a couple of things..

  • spark and compatibility are completely different, I was once married to someone where there were fireworks but we couldn't build a future together
  • sparks aren't mutual, I have met guys who said they felt a connection etc that I didn't
  • there's plenty of people, who , struggling to find the words...but basically "seduce" others for money, social advantage, to have children with before time runs out....
OP posts:
OneOliveEagle · 15/01/2025 22:47

It’s been about 10yrs since I did online dating. I was always quite direct - would contact someone and ask if they wanted to meet up as I’m not interested in having a penpal. They seemed to appreciate the no messing around approach.

I always did coffee at a place where you could go on to have lunch (if you like them) and say ‘Let’s have a coffee and if we feel like it… then lunch’. Brown’s is a good venue for that sort of thing.

I found that I was always lucky in that there was a spark on the first date. But one guy - I could feel lost the spark for me immediately upon picking me up outside my house on date 2. It was an awful evening. Another … we had great 1st and 2nd date, but date 3 all the red flags came out. I insisted on paying for the entirety of the meal and drinks as felt so uncomfortable.

I’m not sure that I agree on your final point about a lot of people doing that.

How old are you OP. What are you looking for dating-wise?

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 16/01/2025 07:47

@OneOliveEagle I am 55. Looking for a LTR.
My point about in creating a spark (might create another post on this) is there's loads of players out there, what is a player ? Some guy, who can charm, flatter and make numerous women fall for them....

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 16/01/2025 09:30

Yeah I think people need to give it more of a chance than a walk.. sparks can hit on the second date. And sometimes the most sparky ones are the least compatable.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2025 09:37

Rosiecidar · 16/01/2025 07:47

@OneOliveEagle I am 55. Looking for a LTR.
My point about in creating a spark (might create another post on this) is there's loads of players out there, what is a player ? Some guy, who can charm, flatter and make numerous women fall for them....

But the players don't need a spark, they can just fake it. And you might feel a spark based on the false them they present but equally you might not. Not of that relates to this man though who has been honest and wasted your time

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 17/01/2025 08:35

I genuinely thought we were going to have a coffee at the cafe not get takeaways and walk... having read a bit of advice on the topic;

  • pick a quiet place with a bit of buzz
  • relax before the date/get in the mood
  • if you're interested in someone mirror behaviour/lean forward/make eye contact
  • say if you're nervous and ask personal questions

I have done quite a few dates on the apps, the only ones where it didn't progress to a second date where were we obviously had different life styles...for example a few people lived abroad a lot of the year and wanted someone free to do that with (bit more common in your 50s) Or where the conversation just didn't flow at all. I felt this was unusual because we spoke on the phone, seemed to share similar values. My profile pictures are all really recent and I look like them - no dim lighting or only head shots !

I think I won't do another date where we barely get to look at each other because we are walking forward and the person I am seeing (or literally not seeing) doesn't want to sit at the cafe because his work colleagues go there !

OP posts:
Madamegreen · 17/01/2025 09:49

Rosiecidar · 17/01/2025 08:35

I genuinely thought we were going to have a coffee at the cafe not get takeaways and walk... having read a bit of advice on the topic;

  • pick a quiet place with a bit of buzz
  • relax before the date/get in the mood
  • if you're interested in someone mirror behaviour/lean forward/make eye contact
  • say if you're nervous and ask personal questions

I have done quite a few dates on the apps, the only ones where it didn't progress to a second date where were we obviously had different life styles...for example a few people lived abroad a lot of the year and wanted someone free to do that with (bit more common in your 50s) Or where the conversation just didn't flow at all. I felt this was unusual because we spoke on the phone, seemed to share similar values. My profile pictures are all really recent and I look like them - no dim lighting or only head shots !

I think I won't do another date where we barely get to look at each other because we are walking forward and the person I am seeing (or literally not seeing) doesn't want to sit at the cafe because his work colleagues go there !

They've already seen you and decided no, this happens instantly. It's not personal, it's impossible to have the attraction spark for everyone.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 17/01/2025 09:58

Madamegreen · 17/01/2025 09:49

They've already seen you and decided no, this happens instantly. It's not personal, it's impossible to have the attraction spark for everyone.

Show quote history

Although, he actually said he had a really nice time and arranged to meet a few days later...so not quite so instant.

OP posts:
Madamegreen · 17/01/2025 10:03

Rosiecidar · 17/01/2025 09:58

Although, he actually said he had a really nice time and arranged to meet a few days later...so not quite so instant.

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He didn't meet you though, he was polite then cancelled.

TwistedWonder · 17/01/2025 10:09

Rosiecidar · 17/01/2025 09:58

Although, he actually said he had a really nice time and arranged to meet a few days later...so not quite so instant.

Show quote history

Tbh most men say that after a date even if they have no intentions of ever meeting again.