Where's the elusive spark ?

[Rosiecidar]

Met a really nice guy last week through OLD , at lunchtime. We talked on the phone before hand and he suggested a coffee and walk...at the same time. It was freezing! Agreed to meet again after the "date" but got a message, saying sorry didn't feel a spark.
Really quite disappointed.
My thoughts

• Is that even possible when you're walking and looking forward rather than at each other?
• I know someone who won't do coffee dates because he says you're starting off in friendzone.

I know lots of MN folk will say it takes a few dates.

None of my photos are more than a year old, I haven't changed. I almost wonder if you can engineer a spark, I read that you have to have eye contact but that's not really that easy...you"d think it would be.. Thoughts please?

I agree, although we did have a time and venue, although I know exactly what you mean, although I think in my experience at least it's more a "really nice to meet you" not a WhatsApp message about going to an exhibition in a few days with a time.. I think though people can just think on things and change their mind which is fair enough.

I think it’s fine for him to have said this, I’ve been in your position and it is honestly better than having 6 dates and investing time and the same happens. I’ve also been the one to say didn’t feel any spark, all perfectly nice but didn’t fancy him. I’ve recently met someone who I knew straight off therenwas a spark, we’d chatted online for a few weeks and he was exactly the same in real life and we definitely fancied one another! Good luck, it is hard but just try to not take it personal

I think the spark can grow for women but not necessarily for men. I also think the spark in some situations is more than how a person looks.

Obviously the spark is initially physical, but even in a first date you might find someone hot but the way they carry themselves, their personality etc can squash the spark.

I met a guy who was very much my type but when he started talking shight it put me right off and I didn’t want to pursue it.

For me the spark means all the boxes are ticked, I fancy them, they have good chat and engage me, they’re funny etc…

Be yourself. There is no point being anyone else. For every croiked foot there is a crooked shoe. And for every pot therevis a top.

Think hard about what you like in a man, then think hard about what you want to be loved for in yourself. The Venn diagram of where those two circles overlap is where you find men who you are attracted to who are likely to love you.

I speak as someone who is still waking up next to the husband who adores me 35 years on—we met through the personal advert I put in a free local newspaper 35 years ago. My advertisement described a kind of person “you are…” who I would find interesting. The things I described are things I like to think about. I had 88 responses, dated 12, married number six as I kept dating for a while after we met.

Fair play to him for letting you know quickly and not stringing things out. Like all things in life , you have to respect people's decisions, the same way you'd expect them to respect yours.

@Mum2FergusI had sent him a message to thank him for letting me and to wish him luck. I haven't hounded or asked him anything further. I suppose the point of my post was really to wonder whether two people in their 50s, who meet for a 30 minute walk at lunch time can really expect a spark , some people think the a spark is immediate, others say give it another date (I wouldn't go past a second date if I felt no frisson)... I think I won't do a walking date again, it's a bit set up to fail unless perhaps on a warmer day with you can sit down...

I think that park is instantaneous and I could just hear his voice or a glimpse of him and feel that flutter, so it's not that you were walking. Having said that, I wouldn't go on a walking date with a takeaway coffee. I'd rather meet in a cafe and sit there so I'm in a safe place and can exit quickly. Walking can get awkward, and you can end up oversharing.

It's weird he wouldn't sit in the cafe because his friends go there.. what is he actually hiding? I'm sure if it was a model he would love to parade you on his arms and make sure everyone saw you together. So I think he just didn't fancy you and both sexes can find rejection difficult, so cowardly do the whole lets meet again charade followed by vague excuses by text or flat out ghosting!

He didn't really mean "he didn't feel a spark". Its just a polite way of saying he didn't fancy you. And that, you definitely can work out within 30 minutes on a walk with a coffee.

The “spark” is either there or it’s not. It’s undefinable - but it’s there or not.🤷‍♀️

Nothing to do with either person, it’s just what it is.

Best move on. 😊

This is partly why I hate walk dates. How much of a connection can you build walking side by side in the freezing cold? It's also so low effort and a date which is favoured by stingy men. Ditto a coffee date tbh, although at least you're warm.

Ideal first date is a wine / cocktail bar.

I think you’re massively over analysing. I (happily married now) frequently meet people for less than 30 minutes and think there’s absolutely no way I could date them. Him saying there’s no spark is a polite way of saying he’s not interested, for whatever reason (and it could be anything!) that may be.

My tip is stop trying to analyse and force it as it’s almost like you think if you’d done a different date he’d have liked you - I can pretty much guarantee this wouldn’t be the case. Keep your head up and move onto the next, this guy might not have liked you but a different one definitely will!

ETA - that being said I wouldn’t be going on a walking/coffee date as they scream low effort to me. A nice bar or casual lunch is more my thing.

No spark is no spark. You either like someone or you dont. MN is full of the slow burner brigade but for many more people its either there or it isnt. Or perhaps he didnt like you at all and just said no spark as that sounds better. People saying OLD is brutal are wrong. Dating is brutal and always has been. OP i agree with yout friend. Coffee dates are not only lame but they are a bit friendzoney. A date needs a hint of romance and the evening brings that. You should have ran at his suggestion of a coffee and a walk. Cheap.

Maybe he got a "better offer" in the meantime.

Wouldn't worry about it.

Sometimes you just know straight away if you fancy someone though. No point seeing them again if you don’t feel any kind of potential! I’m sure you won’t fancy/want a second date with everyone you meet on OLD either.

I must admit I’m not an instant spark sort of person but I usually know a definite no more than a definite yes. And sometimes you go away from the date thinking you’d like to see them again but after a day or so you realise actually you’re not fussed.

This is quite interesting, you haven't any idea what I look like ! But thanks for suggesting that I am pretty awful to look at.

@TwistedWonder yes, I would agree with this. Especially as you get older, you can end up thinking "am I bothered" to see this person again and be quite comfortable. When I was in my late 20s early 30s you sort of are keen to go with the next stage of your life. When you have been married and divorced it's not quite the same ..

@PudPudDingDing the coffee date is pretty standard in on line dating. Not terribly exciting, but I still make an effort to look like I am on a date...

@Crushed23 it was minus 2 degrees, I honestly looked a bit horrified when I heard him ask for take away cups...

Again, forget on line dating as a concept. Call it dating. A coffee date is lame. Listen to your friend who says the same.

It seems like he'd already realised on meeting you he wasn't attracted, hence suggesting you go for a walk (so it could end quicker as it was cold). Him not feeling attraction is nothing to do with you, just one of those things - he could even have met someone else the day before who he liked more. I once had a date with a bloke who looked great in photos but when I met him, the way he carried himself and resting face (you don't see in photos) immediately put me off. I'm sure someone else would have thought it sexy! By contrast my DH looked iffy in photos but had good chat so I agreed to meet him despite him not being my type - the minute I met him, he had a smile that lit up the room and sparkling eyes that won my heart.

This bloke probably did like you and had a lovely time which is why he needed to think on it instead of an immediate no. Also no one likes saying No to someone's face, hence all the promises on the date and then politely declining later. But maybe he's looking for someone he instantly fancies - I did read that men are much more likely to make decisions based on immediate attraction whereas women take longer to assess.

Fifty is still young! I don't think people give up on sex and attraction at that stage so your ages have nothing to do with it. Next time a man isn't interested in sitting down with you and having a nice chat (yuk to a takeaway coffee in the freezing cold) - assume it's a lack of interest. If someone fancies you, they want to make the effort.

@renoleno if I genuinely thought that he had one look at me and thought "Shit she's ugly, I will go for a walk in the cold and get this over " I would probably be crying for days in the bathroom and contemplating plastic surgery. They say OLD is brutal...not half as brutal as some of the assumptions on here.