Have people lost the art of conversation and become horribly self-absorbed?

[CornflakeMum]

I'm reflecting on my experiences over the last few months of meeting and chatting to people and I've come to the conclusion people seem to have become horribly self-absorbed and boring, and have lost the art of conversation (or never had it!).

I've always interacted on the basis that conversation is like a game of tennis - you serve (a comment) then bat it between you for a while, using questions and responses to keep it moving and head it off in different directions...

I met an old friend at the weekend, and though we were meant to be 'catching up' after a few years she just droned on about herself, her life, her holidays etc not giving me much opportunity to cut in, or asking me any questions about me/ my life. What I've been up to is no less interesting or relevant, so it was just weird!

And I've realised a lot of conversations I had at parties and get togethers over Christmas were just the same - lots of people just monologuing about themselves!

Are you middle aged by any chance?
I have found a lot of conversations recently have consisted of people basically taking it in turns to moan/worry because everyone is at the age where they have a lot to moan/worry about: health, children, elderly parents, work.
It might also be the state of the economy, a LOT of people are worried about finances at the moment and about their children’s future.

I don't think this is a new thing, there's always been people who talk about themselves nonstop.

Yanbu, I see a lot of this. It’s a boring conversation where you have to do all the conversational heavy lifting but there’s a lot of it about. I was at a meeting recently where everyone talked about themselves!

I ended a friendship with a childhood friend who would send long voice notes which were monologues about her and her kids.

VNs take ages to listen to, so I asked her repeatedly to either call for a bit more of a proper conversation or at least text.

However she clearly wanted to hog the conversation by using VNs whereas phone calls and texts necessitate a bit more back and forth.

Looking back on things I think she’s always been like this. Not a new thing. I picked it up on it a few years ago and tried to give her a chance to change but she clearly wasn’t interested in what I had to say so I was done with her.

Yes, I am, and approaching retirement, and I wonder if it's because a lot of people are reviewing their lives and justifying their choices!

My friend wasn't so much moaning as making it clear she was in a good place and happy with her choices. She's been through a few things and ended up being career-focused/no kids (not through choice) but seemed determined to make sure I didn't pity/feel sorry for her (I wouldn't have!) but also clearly didn't want to hear about anything in my life which conflicted with her world view!

She mentioned having therapy for mental health issues, so maybe this is related...

But I am finding a lot of people the same to be honest!

I think there is some truth in this.

I see this too - there's a lot of chat about how poor customer service is/ how badly everything is made/ how long everything takes these days.

But this wasn't what I meant in this example.

I went to a party on New Year’s Eve and I drank slightly too much on an empty stomach and banged on about myself. I’m not usually like that and cringe inwardly looking back. I blame Christmas. It was cathartic for me, though doubtless very tedious for everyone else.

I've noticed this a lot in the last few years and think it is a combination of some people do this anyway and social media has encouraged a very broadcast only syle of communication, which has carried over to in person meet ups.

I have a friend who never talks about anything other than herself on our WhatsApp group and once I noticed it there, I saw that she does it when we meet up as well (as part of a group).

I've had friends that in hindsight were always like that, what's changed is my tolerance for listening to them. Maybe you've just outgrown this one sided friendship.

YANBU.
Nearly all my friends are like this now (I'm almost 40). They rarely ask me questions about myself and monologue constantly about seemingly small issues. I could write a book on most of their lives. I'm surprised now when people actually ask me a question.😅
No answers, but it's a bit shit and boring.

I suspect I do this.

It's not (in my case) because I find myself endlessly fascinating, or have no interest in anybody else. But I don't seem to have as much social interaction as I used to, and therefore feel a little anxious when I do go out, and find that I gabble nervously.

I wonder if spending so much time online nowadays also has an effect. Everybody I know complains of their poor concentration and short attention span. If this also applies when they're conversing with others, maybe lots of people are struggling to maintain focus when they listen, aren't quite sure about their friend's news from the last time they spoke (where did she say Ella went to university? was it her mum or her dad who's developed Parkinsons? etc) and rather than reveal these gaps by asking questions that they should already know the answer to, talk about themselves

That’s definitely what happened in my situation. I changed and they never.

Yes, I can end up gabbling if I'm a bit anxious! The thing is I spot myself doing it and make a conscious effort to slow down, ask a question and take interest in what the other person has to say!

Another of my observations is the fact that so many men seem to think their wives' friends have nothing to talk about except cooking and children! One of DH's friends looked positively floored when I wafted away his question about how my kids were and asked him instead what he though the US stock market would do in the next six months! (My background is in Economics/Business and I still manage a fairly large family trust fund 😂)

I went to a party last week (mostly retired people), I met a really interesting group of ladies and we had a great conversation finding out about each other and enjoying each others company.

At the dinner beforehand I had been seated next to another woman and her husband who hogged the conversation on the whole table about their new car, daughters private schools, wonderful holiday this year, and where they bought their clothes. They did not include any other guest on our table of six.

So imo it depends on personality.

I think people get less of a chance to have actual real conversations and so possibly gallop to try to let people know everything that’s going on with them!

Yes, this is my experience!
It's as if they have a shopping list of stuff they are determined to tell you.

It's fine if you want to tell me you went on holiday to Japan, but I want to chat about what you thought about it, what the standout cultural differences were etc...

Social media is deceptive, in that you feel you're 'in touch' with people yet years can pass between meaningful interactions. I met up with some old friends last year, and realised, to my inward horror, that despite seeing them semi-regularly on FB/Insta, etc, I couldn't recall some basic details about their lives (age of children, current job, etc) which would have formed the platform for normal chit-chat. We ended up styling it out by going round the circle with updates 'to save time' - and conversation flowed freely after that, but I can see how blurting out all your own info to save the other person the embarrassment of asking can be a factor.

Then again, I'm more wary than I used to be about inadvertently putting my foot in it with complete strangers too. I WFH a lot, and probably spend far too much time on MN, passively absorbing all the things that internet randoms were outraged and offended to be asked at school pick-up/the gym/the dentist, etc.

‘ I met up with some old friends last year, and realised, to my inward horror, that despite seeing them semi-regularly on FB/Insta, etc, I couldn't recall some basic details about their lives (age of children, current job, etc)’

Isn’t that normal with people we see in RL too though? I have a friend I see most weeks who has 4 adult children and I can remember her dd and one of her dses but fuck knows what the other two sons are called, and I can’t remember which one has left the army, or is about to leave the army (or is it the RAF?) and if he’s the same one that has just had a baby, and meanwhile I have 2 dses and one is autistic and one has vision problems and I am always getting asked how the autistic one’s eyes are, etc.
In modern life we know a lot of people, it’s not like we all grew up in a village together and we were there at the birth.

realised, to my inward horror, that despite seeing them semi-regularly on FB/Insta, etc, I couldn't recall some basic details about their lives

...and...

I have a friend I see most weeks who has 4 adult children and I can remember her dd and one of her dses but fuck knows what the other two sons are called, and I can’t remember which one has left the army, or is about to leave the army (or is it the RAF?) and if he’s the same one that has just had a baby

I'm so glad it's not just me who's a bit vague about the details of my friends lives!

I started keeping a note on my phone app of friends' details!

OP I feel the same and really value my few friends who are good at the 'tennis' style of conversation.

Also the ones who will listen till I stop talking rather than interrupt, it means the world to me.

Tell you what drives me mad. I've seen a friend twice since July for a few hours and the entire time she was on the phone texting her fella 🫠

Also the ones who will listen till I stop talking rather than interrupt, it means the world to me.

But, but, if I'd done this with my friend last weekend I would never have said anything, as she DIDN'T stop talking! 😂

Oh god, yes to this...

The ones who put their phone, face up, on the table and then break off, mid-sentence to check in-coming new messages etc. SO RUDE! Hello, I'm a living, breathing, human being HERE right now with you...

I think there is some truth to this. People I know, who never used to be like this, are at it. In fact, I've done it and looked back with maximum cringe. I do think the OP has a point and that the art of conversation is dying in general