Have people lost the art of conversation and become horribly self-absorbed?

[CornflakeMum]

I'm reflecting on my experiences over the last few months of meeting and chatting to people and I've come to the conclusion people seem to have become horribly self-absorbed and boring, and have lost the art of conversation (or never had it!).

I've always interacted on the basis that conversation is like a game of tennis - you serve (a comment) then bat it between you for a while, using questions and responses to keep it moving and head it off in different directions...

I met an old friend at the weekend, and though we were meant to be 'catching up' after a few years she just droned on about herself, her life, her holidays etc not giving me much opportunity to cut in, or asking me any questions about me/ my life. What I've been up to is no less interesting or relevant, so it was just weird!

And I've realised a lot of conversations I had at parties and get togethers over Christmas were just the same - lots of people just monologuing about themselves!

And yes, to the previous poster who mentioned the proliferation of long voice notes/ messages instead of a call - it really is the ultimate in self-indulgence: they think they are so important for you to have to listen to 10 mins of them droning on to check if they've said anything important, but there's no option for comeback or conversation!

I do think it all has something to do with social media and the fact that everybody feels the need to 'broadcast' their life these days?

Sounds like my line manager! Only interested in talking about herself and has no interest in what anyone else has to say about themselves. I noticed this straight away when meeting her (she is new).

Me and DH talk about this often. MIL was the queen of this style of conversation...thankfully for many reasons we are now NC. You could start a conversation on ANY subject, she would listen to the first few sentences and then start her monologue about someone her mums neighbour knew who did that or knew someone that did.
One of the last conversations I had with her involved DD telling her she'd just bought her prom dress (a BIG deal to DD16). MIL takes a breath and say 'well we didn't have proms, we had leaving balls...' And we never returned to talking about DD.

Out of my very good friends I can have excellent, 2 way conversations with most. There are a few people in my wider friend circle who I know when I see them I'll be talking very little. And when you do get to talk you feel that the other people is completely uninterested, or just waiting desperately to jump back in with their point/opinion/ experience.

DH has a couple of close friends who dominate conversation but can be better in a group. It's hard work! I get really self conscious if I feel I've been talking too much and make an effort to turn the conversation back to the other person/ people.

Combination of age and people being more isolated I think.
Everyone is needy.
Some are avoiding talking about something so are a bit withdrawn.
Others haven’t seen an adult or someone who listens in quite a while…

I have noticed it and stopped meeting some people.

And what do you think it will do?!

Someone here mentioned the influence of therapy, to which I would add reality TV.

I also think people spend more time at home doing things passively now - binge watching, scrolling, following things on EBay, and maybe we’ve all lost our social skills edge a bit / become less able to listen.

I hope I am not as bad as some of the people mentioned here.. but I do notice that I can listen and properly chat to some people much more easily than I can others!

Slow start, but then a gradual increase. No great shocks either way, especially if the Gaza ceasefire holds....

Yes, agree. I'd also add to that the changing nature of the way families spend time together.
We've always been big on the phones away/ dinner around the table and chat approach which I think develops conversation skills.
A lot of my adult children's friends have not had the same experience, but have grown up eating meals in front of the TV, or on their own if e.g. parents are working shifts etc.

THIS! I have a close friend who not only does this, but also has ping notifications still! And her phone is constantly going off!

I now understand why she replies to any group WhatsApp message within a nano-second. And why I haven't met up with her in over a year in person.

I would also be floored by this! I presume this guy has more knowledge of the stock market than me 😂

Yes! He's an investment banker!

Haha that makes sense then :D

interesting. That wouldn’t have had time to affect my friends. We were too old to have this.

I think insecurities bring out the most flaky, self obsessed sides to people. It’s hard to pin down what it is about the culture that is causing this. I think the internet, phones, streaming services, everything customised down to a T to the individual brings out the worst FOMO in some people. They think there’s always something better they could be doing than listening to someone else!

I've noticed this with couple of family members in recent years, conversations turned increasingly to monologues and often difficult for me to get a chance to get word in edgeways about myself/partner/kids whilst conversations I initiate tend to get interrupted. Definitely think increased isolation has something to do with it and seems to have got worse since pandemic, falling out of practice of conversation skills.

Some people talk to you and some people talk at you. I don't think it's anything to do with age, some people just don't understand how to make or participate in equal conversation. It's so dull - I have less and less tolerance for these types as I get older.

Yes it really is like this nowadays sadly.

I yearn for a proper conversation, and for anyone to show the slightest bit of interest in me.

A previous poster mentioned that people seem to monologue like they’re broadcasting on social media, and I completely agree that this seems to be the case.

My Nan who I miss dearly would always make every effort to make everyone in a room feel included in a conversation, and would always know the right things to say - and she’d ask a lot of questions too, as she truly cared and worried about people. I can hardly recall a similar conversation I’ve had with anyone else since she passed.

Totally all of this, and then when I’m trying to be charitable I think ‘but maybe I do this too?’ But then I remember I have a long list of friends and acquaintances (small town, school gate etc) and I swear, the people whose lives I know unbelievable detail about, their jobs, their current project in their job, how their child is doing in every class, how their own school friends’ break up is going (I have never met them), every detail about the barbecue at the holiday home (to which I was not invited), their parents’ health and hip replacement and eye operation and also the pets and the hobbies etc and - I swear to god - some of them couldn’t tell you my last name or my kids names and someone last year when said without a dash of shame ‘I really should know your name’ !!! er yes I now know every detail about every facet of your extended life, you probably should at least ask my name!

I think I've lost my skills in conversing well and so have people around me. I realised that it is time that is a factor. We are all too busy and when we converse, we have other things on our mind or are multitasking. I don't remember when I've sat down with a friend and chatted for hours, completely unhurried. We are always actively doing something e.g. activities with kids, watching a movie etc. The other day, my long time colleague began scrolling through his phone mid conversation with me. He would not have done that 5 years ago!

Not giving someone your full attention is disrespectful but modern life feels like an insane neverending rush.

I am loving this thread. I’ve noticed convos just seem more boring or stilted or like a session of listening, than they used to be but thought it was due to being a parent of young kids and losing my own brain cells!!!

i do feel like folks are generally a lot more stressed and rushed…. I also get the feeling sometimes that people are just ‘full’!

One forgets it’s a practical / skill based thing as well as being natural.
food for thought, thanks for the thread op.

@CornflakeMum - maybe your DH's friend looked flawed when you asked me about the American stock market in the next six months because he had thought he was going to have a lightweight chat over Christmas and instead you asked him to look into room 101 and/or get out his crystal ball!

I am not sure it is about social media completely, because my mum does a bit of social media but really very limited and isn't on anything like Mumsnet - and she is terrible for doing this.

Last night I had a telephone conversation with her for about 40 minutes and I had two quite important things I wanted to tell her that both meant quite a lot to me - and within a couple of sentences she jumped in and said it was like something that happened to her and then talked for 5 to 10 minutes on each on why and how that had affected her. Basically drowning out any chance I had to talk about what I had hoped to discuss and reflect on.

I know this is an old thread but I logged on just to ask the very same question. I’ve had sooooo many boring conversations (one sided coz I’m the listener whilst they inform me of the minutiae of their lives) recently with folk I consider to be pals. No one asked me anything about myself or what I’d been up to. I’m naturally a good listener so I seem to attract randoms too. But in the rare occasion when a good convo flows I come away from the encounter feeling refreshed.
I recently spent time with my oldest pal but I couldn’t get a word in edgeways.
Another pal at dinner recently asked how my daughter was doing and as I was drawing breath to reply, she just went on transmit mode about her own busy life that I never got a chance to tell her.
i genuinely think that these people are rude and need calling out on it. I’ve started subtly doing so but as my patience wanes, I’ll need to start being more direct.

Interesting @Mrsfeckwittery - how would you subtly call them out on it?

I was walking with a friend last week and I noticed that every time I was talking she interrupted me by talking over me! And i wasn't talking for ages or anything.

@CornflakeMum when they interrupt I just keep talking but slightly slower and slightly louder so that the change in my tone alerts them to something amiss. That’s YELLOW ALERT
Or I’ll say ‘anyway, as I was saying’ AMBER ALERT
or ultimately I’ll say ‘I wasn’t finished speaking and you keep interrupting me’ RED ALERT.
Had to do that with my brother recently.

Just had to add that me n DH visited old friends recently and the convo was wonderful. Everyone spoke, everyone listened, the convo flowed. Topics were discussed, agreed on, disagreed on, it was truly wonderful and it made me realise how rare such encounters are these days.
But after that visit I remain hopeful