Wife isn't bothered about my feelings

[Andyls]

Hi All,

Recently I've felt like my partner just doesn't think about me or care about my feelings at all. When I try to bring it up she just says ik been needy and the conversation ends there.

I feel like I'm bottom of the list and she treats everyone around us friends and family etc better than she does to me.

I'm genuinely questioning, if I can rely on her or trust that she actually cares about me. I feel like I'm just making excuses for her when she let's me down. But I don't think she cares about my happiness at all.

Things like not returning missed phone calls or replying to messages etc

Split up if she's checked out in the relationship.

Is she hoping you'll just go away?

Do you do anything together, just the two of you? Days out? Nights out? Short breaks away? Holidays?

How is your sex live? Frequent? Lots of affection in between sex?

We have sex one a month but she inst bothered for it. She'd happily go months.

For example I said to her before bedtime are we cuddling in bed tonight she just said probably not! Like she doesn't care about my feelings at all.

We have 2 young kids so our only time is alone is a hour on a evening before we go to bed .

She doesn't instigate anything, even phone calls or texts it's all me doing it first

What would you like from the thread, there wasn't a question?
Do you think she's tired from raising two young kids?
Have you discussed it with her?

(Edited because I really don't want to read an answer to the other questions I typed)

Sadly this is a really commonplace occurrence. When one partner decides they have had enough of the relationship, there is so little you can do. In the state of mind that you describe it is unlikely that she will go for marriage counselling.

You have to try to protect yourself from hurt and rejection, including not expecting intimacy. This is so difficult when this precious part of a marriage stops.

Try to be the very best parent you can be to the children until you decide which path to take. Hopefully respecting her need for space, no emotional involvement and no intercourse will help her rekindle her affection.

Two young children.

Is she the default parent? Does she take on the mental load? She could well be exhausted.

Sadly I know too many women who check out because once they have children their husbands become an extra child and do nothing like their fair share of parenting or housework. It’s exhausting and hard to find a man attractive.

In that position for years I found it very difficult to care for my husband’s feelings when he was happy to opt out of stuff that we shared equally before we had children. He’d come to bed and expect cuddles/sex when I had no part of me left that could deal with this.

Obviously this is my experience and one that’s surprisingly common, but may not be true for you. If there is any chance that some of it rings a bell, you need to step up.

Are you both equally busy and active socially?

For example, A. do you come home from work and sit on the sofa watching telly while she deals with the kids and makes dinner etc? Then fire questions at her from the sofa and get pissy when she doesn't respond?

Or B. are you at the table helping your kids do homework, whilst simultaneously chopping veg and asking your wife a question about it, but she doesn't answer because she's doom scrolling on her phone?

Obviously A is you at fault and B she could do with focusing on you and the kids a bit more ( unless this is the first bit of "down time" she's had in the day and you're interrupting it).

Socially:
A. Does she have book club and the gym and her school friends and mum friends and family that she spends time with and talk to, whilst you have one mate who you go to the pub with once a month and then are expecting your wife to entertain you the other 29 evenings of the month but she's busy with friends/family?

Or B. is it you whose out more/more social and she's at home with the kids and then you're expecting her to be up for sex on the nights when you do grace her with your presence?

Or C. You both have similar levels of social life that takes you out of the home, but you're just not connecting when you're together?

A. You need to get more of a social life and not depend on her so much, B, she needs to be allowed to have equal downtime and C. Have you tried marriage counselling?

Obviously this is a very generalised response, but without getting more detail on the day-to-day of your existence, it's really hard to say whether you're being a knob, she's being a bitch, you no longer love each other or none of the above.

If you've got two young kids, she will be dealings with their demands and needs and it's exhausting. When mine were that age, once I'd put them to bed, I just needed space in the evening- it's mentally and physically exhausting. I didn't even like the day sitting on me when the DCs were young. She may not have much left to give ... so don't put further demands on her (especially if she's calling you needy) as will end up pushing her further away. Provide support.
It's probably very common situation

I meant the cat ! (Sitting on me)

You've posted about this more than once and had your arse handed to you because it has repeatedly come down to lack of sex for you over everything else.

You also quite proudly said you weren't married before so not sure where wife has come from.

If she's default parent to two young children she's probably exhausted.

How often do you take the DCS off her hands and leave her to have a bath in peace? How often does she get to go for a run or a walk or take a class? Do you get up with the dcs at the weekend and leave her to have a lie in? Does she have responsibility for the DCS 24/7 while you just work 9-5?

If she's running on empty, I'm not surprised she's not all bouncy and keen.

It's hard to tell what's happening. Maybe she's checked out, but there are lots of other things that could be going on.

Not returning missed phone calls or replying to messages could just mean she's busy, or that the calls and messages are creating additional 'work' for her in some way (practical or emotional).

What sort of messages do you send and is she leaving you on read or not opening them at all? Are the phone calls and messages conversational or are you often contacting her to delegate tasks? Is she like that with other people or just you? How often are you calling/messaging her throughout the day?

Before children she only had her own needs to attend to with plenty of mental space left over to attend to some of yours too. Now with children she will have less mental space and, even if you are taking on half of the mental load, will have less surplus capacity to attend to your needs. Yes, you should still be making time for each other, but it is normal to dial back on your expectations a bit.

Either way it sounds like you've lost intimacy. I would focus on connecting emotionally with her. Be vulnerable and show her something real of yourself. It sounds like she might see her relationship with you as just another set of tasks in her busy life instead of a refuge from her to do list.

Good catch!

OP maybe read your previous thread again?

I knew sex would at the top of your agenda just from reading the title. I'm sure you've posted about this repeatedly and you've been told you're out of order.

I wasn't initially going to post anything about this as it contains a lot of assumptions, but what the hell.

My first assumption from your username is that that you are male.

Many men are raised to see women as responsible for meeting their emotional needs. You often see it here on Mumsnet - men who enter a predominantly female space with the expectation women will provide them with free emotional labour. Something about it always makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.

Discussing your problems with your peers is normal healthy behaviour. However, do you truly see the women of Mumsnet as your peers? Or have you become accustomed to women solving your problems for you?

I sincerely apologise for the judgment and assumptions in those last two paragraphs, but this is always my first thought when I read these threads!

It's not about sex . I can't even get her to return a missed call

Well, last time you posted, I quote your title ‘Everything’s great apart from our sex life’.

It was about sex when you posted before.

Perhaps switching off and not caring has developed because of that?

Both are about intimacy and communication.

She's tired and touched out, and her husband can only think about sex.

Why are you calling her?

is it an emergency? Have you sent a follow on text explaining why. Or is it just a chit chat she doesn’t have time for??

I'm sure she's aware that you're taking it personally and getting upset every time she's too busy to answer your call or reply to a message. You demanding her attention, when she already has two young children to focus on, and reacting badly when she's busy ("being needy") is probably stressing her out. It must be like having an extra child tugging at her clothes and whining over messages, sulking if he doesn't get what he wants.

Poor woman needs some time to relax without having to be permanently on call to immediately look at/reply to/be touched by someone (adult or child) every second that she's awake. Stop bothering her and give her chance to chill out for a while, without anybody wanting anything from her.
She sounds like she needs a break way more than you need her to pay more attention to you.

Are you calling and texting just to chit chat? She has 2 young children. She doesn't have to be available to you 24/7. Is she at work? Is this something that can wait until you are home?

I agree with your wife, you do sound needy.

She sounds like me, from the small bit of information you've given in your OP.

When you have small children and you're the default parent (especially if you're breastfeeding) it's really common to feel "touched out". I can't think of anything worse right now than having sex. I was like this after each child though so it's a miracle there are three 😂

I'm guessing "cuddling" means sex. That would get on my nerves too tbh.

Shes probably knackered. Do you do half of the housework/childcare?

Also if my husband said (after I'd spent hours collecting, cooking, cleaning, bathing, reading, sorting homework, problems and last wees before bed) "are we cuddling before bedtime tonight" I'd also say probably not.