getting married in 3 days, last minute meltdown over guest list ethics, please help me straighten my head out!

[bohemianbint]

Apologies if you've already seen my previous threads ad nauseum!

Will try to be brief but the situation is quite tangly so will try to keep it as simple as possible.

Am 6.5 months pregnant with DC2. DP and I want to be legally married asap for practical reasons, but we don't want a big palaver this year because:

1. we're not really like that anyway 2)can't get nice maternity dress for trying
2. can't get drunk
3. can't afford it

...and so on.

So what we decided was small register office ceremony, (with no one there but parents as witnesses - we both don't want to do this bit in front of anyone really) followed by a meal with just our parents and siblings. Then we're having a big party next year to celebrate with everyone.

When we said this was what we wanted we got a load of earache about how we had to invite x, y and z to the meal as well, which we really don't want, not because we have a personal problem with them, but because we specifically don't want a big thing this year.

So we ended up saying we wouldn't have anyone at the meal other than parents to save hassle. But now I feel bad, as I did want my brother and sister there, and my sister was disappointed when we said that no one was coming.

So, here's the really tangly bit that I need help with.

If I invite my brother and sister, I will be told I have to invite my cousin (as she is apparently "practically my sister" - I disagree, am closer to my best friend but she's not coming either.) With my cousin comes her newish boyfriend who we don't really know (or like, tbh), and if she comes we "should" also invite a couple of aunties who are also close.

I would like to invite my sister and brother. My sister has a boyfriend who she's had for years, who we really get on with, but if they both come it's harder to not invite the cousin and her boyfriend. Can we reasonably invite people and not their partners? It wouldn't be the end of the world if it was my brother, sister and cousin, but when you throw partners into that it gets big, and if we're inviting them it spirals into who else should be coming.

I can't find anything decent to wear,and I don't want to be the centre of attention of a big group of people when I don't feel up to it, and we feel a bit held to ransom, like it's everyone or no one.

As a result of us wanting to do it very quietly, we've had only 2 cards congratulating us on our engagement, no one is talking about the whole thing and people are generally being either underwhelmed, or silently disapproving of the whole thing. (Only silently since we expressed concern about being told what we had to do!)

I hope this makes sense, am starting to confuse myself! I'm just desperately trying to order my thoughts so we can sort this out before Thursday. Is it unreasonable to invite people but not partners? Is it better for us to stick with things as it is, rather than invite some people and therefore offend others?

I wish we'd just bloody run off now.

Can anyone make sense of this and tell me what to do?!

I don't think it's on to invite people and not their partners.
Unfortunately, yuou ave experienced the hassles that are unavidable unless you do it without ANYONE else present.

Which is what we did.

How about organising a meal and saying anyone who wants to pay for themselves can come? Another MNer did this and it seems to have worked out fine.That way, everyone is technically invited.

Bohemianbint - I really applaud your idea of having a quiet wedding now and celebrating next year.

My advice is - keep the post wedding meal as it is, with just your parents. Make an arrangement to see your sister and brother the day after, and do not seek permission/approval from any one else in your family to do that.

All weddings are fraught with these kinds of issues and you have minimised it, believe me.
Congratulations and I hope you have a long and happy marriage.

It is the rest of your life bit afterwards which is more important.

Just invite your brother and sister.

Stick to your guns, parents and siblings.

I would invite parents and siblings and sister's boyfriend.

Possibly don't tell your parents beforehand that siblings etc are coming - then it'll be a nice surprise for them.

Cheers for the response moondog! I'm quite amazed anyone made it through my confused ramblings!

To be honest, I don't reckon my brother would be too arsed, I just feel bad about my sister. But there was never any question of lots of people being at the ceremony, no matter how we did it, we're both quite shy and just don't want to do that.

But I probably can't just invite my sister to the meal and no one else. I really wish we'd done the legal bit without telling everyone and made out that it was all happening next year.

Just do what you want to do. We got married in a registry office with just our mums as witnesses, my sister, DH's brother and sister in law and our DS - then a meal afterwards with just those people too. (We had planned a big party to celebrate with everyone else on our 1st wedding anniversary, but I will be pregnant so have postponed it). Lots of people were offended / sad / puzzled, but we stuck to our guns and it was lovely - simple and just how we wanted it.

invite who you like - if you are paying, then it is up to you. I have a few friends who are "like sisters" to me but they are all sensible enough to know that when it is just my siblings, then that is what it is.

Bloody weddings - honestly (actually not the weddings, it's other people putting their nose in that's the problem)

ooops - x-post with everyone else!

Thanks for the replies.

We were debating having a few drinks in town around tea time (before just the 2 of us go to the theatre!) for anyone who can make it, perhaps that would be a sort of compromise and less formal.

I am really disappointed that people are putting their own feelings before ours and (I think) treating us a bit shabbily. I'd be really cross, if I could be arsed.

The partners thing is sticky. It's really not cool to invite someone alone if you know their partner well, if they live together, or if they've been together for a long time. New boyfriends/girlfriends are a different matter.

That means you could ask your cousin and not invite her boyfriend but still have your sister and her boyfriend there. However I suspect that's just a row waiting to happen.

It's your decision as to whether or not your cousin is "practically your sister". For the purposes of such a tiny wedding (with the promise of a party next year), I think it would be perfectly acceptable to insist on only immediate family, i.e. parents and brother and sister, plus partners.

I guess this kind of comes down to who is insisting that your cousin is really your sister and why you can't just ignore them.

Would your cousin expect to be invited if it was just you, your Mum, your Dad and your siblings (e.g. is she an orphan that was brought up in your family home)? If you feel she really has good reason to think of herself as your sister, then it would be kind of mean to exclude her. But if this whole idea that she must be invited is a third party's invention, I would not pay it any heed.

I'd also say, invite who the bloody hell you want to!! Its about you and your partner. Its entirely up to you who you choose to be present, to watch and support you when you make Ithis commitment to each other.

IF you want your sister and her boyfriend, who is also part of the family, then invite them. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say, only your parents and siblings. Nothing ambiguous there. Its really simple and clear cut. Your closet family members. No extended family, no cousins,, no-one can be disappointed or annoyed at that, surely?

LIke you say, if you start inviiting 'just this cousin' then what about the uncles and aunts etc... or other cousins... it does snowball.

I really feel you are perfectly reasonable to stick to your original plan, stick to your guns, about what you want.

Have your parents, his parents, and both your siblings plus partners. If your OH has no siblings, but does have a cousin who is 'as good as' a brother or sister, or that clsoe to him, then yes, invite them too, but with their partner. Then thats it. Draw a line under the list.

It seems really simple from an objective point of view, honestly it does

My brother and his OH are getting married next saturday. They did not want a big wedding. It has still spiralled! THey are both second time round marriages too, and really want a close, personal day. I think that even so, there will still be 50 or so people there. Its SO hard! I totally get that...

All I can say is, be selfish. Do what you and your OH want, and enjoy your day, knowing it was just as you wanted it to be. Then as you are planning, have a nice 'big' party next year, when you have had your baby.

Good luck, and please above anything else, make it a day you will enjoy, and remember for ever, and not a day that you will look back on with regret.

HTH ???

Immediate family only.

So parents and siblings. No cousins or lovely old lady from No.66.

Up to you with partners.

You can't do your siblings and not his though, so if he has some add them in too.

PS congratulations and enjoy your day

I think the sister thing is a third party invention by my mum, tbh skidoodle. Yeah, she was around a bit when we were kids, we went on some holidays together, but I don't see her that often now, and she doesn't really bother with stuff like birthdays. And in fact, she wasn't really too supportive when I spoke to her about the hassle my parents were giving us about the wedding, and I expected a bit more from her really!

Doesn't help that the whole family pretty much lives within a 5 mile radius, and although we have historically been close, things have drifted a bit over the last 18 months and there have been a few bereavements.

Both our parents our insisting on going halves on the meal, so I think they think that gives them grounds to dictate. Although it shouldn't...

Imo, just invite sister, brother and their partners - an extra 4 ppl max - which essentially is immediate family. No one could be offended at that and it's a small intimate family gathering, the ppl who will be most pleased for you celebrating your marriage.

What kind of place are you having the meal?

For my father's 3rd marriage (don't ask) there were 7 of us in total who went to the registry office and for a leisurely meal at a fab Italian bar/restaurant afterwards, didn't even pre book. Then at about 4 or 5ish more ppl popped in and celebrated with a few drinks (and if they wanted bar food they paid themselves). Was all very relaxed. There were no presents or invites etc. The bride had some flowers and we had button holes, we brought our cameras with us.

Immediate family only, I agree. Tell your mum she is not helping a very over-stressed pregnant lady. It's not HER wedding after all

INVITE WHO YOU WANT IT IS YOUR BLOODY WEDDING.

ahem. sorry about that. but it's true.

Congratulations by the way, BB. I hope you will be very happy together

Quite right sophable, and straight to the point

Actually, if they're paying it does give them a say over the guestlist, although one would hope they'd be a little more reasonable. Insisting on your cousin being invited seems is just complicating everything.

If you can afford it, could you just say you'd rather pay for it yourselves?

Hmmm, I guess that would probably only cause strife at this stage.

Gosh, it's really frustrating when people insist on being so obtuse about weddings. I have a few cousins I'm as close to as you describe but I'm far closer to my siblings.

You know, Elasticwoman is probably right. With 3 days to go maybe you could just leave things as they are and arrange to do something special with your sister and her boyfriend the next day or something. Despite her disappointment she seems to be understanding of your predicament.

Seems unfair that she loses out for being reasonable

I don't really understand why if you invite siblings, it then follows that you have to invite your cousin ? We're having parents and siblings (dc's and niece and nephew) and 4 best friends. That, to me, is "immediate family and friends"..

Do what you want (within reason). Seriously, it sounds as though your mum and others already have a bee in their bonnet about you not having a bigger wedding so they'll only be marginally more pissed off if you invite your sister. They'll get over it much easier than you or your sis might if she wasn't invited..

BTW - have you got your boots sorted yet ??

Have a fab day - its bloody annoying that people feel they have a right to try and interfere but at the end of the day, you and your dp will be married and you'll have a big party to look forward to next year

Have a gorgeous day!!
Sorry no practical help with the guest list.I am no good at all that stuff.

Hello again bohemian, good to hear you've made progress. 3 days, blimey!

My dp and I have managed to sort it out here in Singers on the 24th. Yay! So excited!!

Why don't you only invite 1st degree relatives? Parents, siblings, grandparents, that's it. The big party is for everyone.

I guess I'm glad I'm 8000 miles away so most won't come anyway. It's only going to be our parents and 2 close friends.

Gotta hop into bed now but will watch this thread. I really hope it will all go well for you! Best wishes!!!

I think it is reasonable for you to invite your siblings and their partners but don't really see the need to invite a cousin or whoever else. I would suggest though, that you should try to pay for it yourselves, maybe parents could contribute towards the big party next year when presumably the cousin etc will be invited?
I also think it slightly petulant to complain that you have only had two engagement cards. You are six months pregnant and you are not inviting people to the wedding. It is your right to choose, but you can't expect people not to feel put out about it! In any case, surely you didn't get engaged/married just for the cards and /or presents?