getting married in 3 days, last minute meltdown over guest list ethics, please help me straighten my head out!

[bohemianbint]

Apologies if you've already seen my previous threads ad nauseum!

Will try to be brief but the situation is quite tangly so will try to keep it as simple as possible.

Am 6.5 months pregnant with DC2. DP and I want to be legally married asap for practical reasons, but we don't want a big palaver this year because:

1. we're not really like that anyway 2)can't get nice maternity dress for trying
2. can't get drunk
3. can't afford it

...and so on.

So what we decided was small register office ceremony, (with no one there but parents as witnesses - we both don't want to do this bit in front of anyone really) followed by a meal with just our parents and siblings. Then we're having a big party next year to celebrate with everyone.

When we said this was what we wanted we got a load of earache about how we had to invite x, y and z to the meal as well, which we really don't want, not because we have a personal problem with them, but because we specifically don't want a big thing this year.

So we ended up saying we wouldn't have anyone at the meal other than parents to save hassle. But now I feel bad, as I did want my brother and sister there, and my sister was disappointed when we said that no one was coming.

So, here's the really tangly bit that I need help with.

If I invite my brother and sister, I will be told I have to invite my cousin (as she is apparently "practically my sister" - I disagree, am closer to my best friend but she's not coming either.) With my cousin comes her newish boyfriend who we don't really know (or like, tbh), and if she comes we "should" also invite a couple of aunties who are also close.

I would like to invite my sister and brother. My sister has a boyfriend who she's had for years, who we really get on with, but if they both come it's harder to not invite the cousin and her boyfriend. Can we reasonably invite people and not their partners? It wouldn't be the end of the world if it was my brother, sister and cousin, but when you throw partners into that it gets big, and if we're inviting them it spirals into who else should be coming.

I can't find anything decent to wear,and I don't want to be the centre of attention of a big group of people when I don't feel up to it, and we feel a bit held to ransom, like it's everyone or no one.

As a result of us wanting to do it very quietly, we've had only 2 cards congratulating us on our engagement, no one is talking about the whole thing and people are generally being either underwhelmed, or silently disapproving of the whole thing. (Only silently since we expressed concern about being told what we had to do!)

I hope this makes sense, am starting to confuse myself! I'm just desperately trying to order my thoughts so we can sort this out before Thursday. Is it unreasonable to invite people but not partners? Is it better for us to stick with things as it is, rather than invite some people and therefore offend others?

I wish we'd just bloody run off now.

Can anyone make sense of this and tell me what to do?!

it's a bit late to be inviting anyone now isn't it?!! won't they need to get the day off work!!

I have to say, I don't agree that because your folks are paying, that this then gives them the right to invite who they want. I mean, if for example, you were having a big white wedding etc... and your parents were giving you x amount of money, does that then follow that your mum can choose your wedding dress? venue? etc etc...

They are kindly, generously paying for the meal to your wedding. Just because there is money involved doesn't then make it their wedding. Its yours, you simply must do what you want to!

I have a feeling that if you don't ask your sister and her partner, you will really regret it, and she will be hurt. The fact your cousin has not even helped you or been supportive kind of says enough

I talk from experience and say DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE SAY WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

We had the same thing 6 years ago when we got married and didn't want a big wedding but had a party later. We only wanted parents there but MIL invited BIL and wife who wanted to bring her parents!!!....I kid you not. That meant I had to invite my brother and his hanger on.

So we went from 5 people to 11 people which doesn't sound much but it meant we had to get a bigger table for the meal, arrange extra transport and have guests staying with us since they came from all over the country.

Congratulations and relax and enjoy the day. The weathers supposed to be good for this week and it will make the pictures lovely.

so are you getting married on Thursday?

am just wondering how people will be able to come at such short notice, if you haven't invited them yet?

Its your wedding, invite exactly who you like and don't ask for or listen to instructions from anyone else. Sounds to me like you want your parents (both sets presumably) your siblings (plus partners) and your best friend (plus partner).

If anyone whinges to you point out that they are ruining something very special to you and your partner. If that doesn't shut them up I'd reconsider their invite...

Message withdrawn

It is your wedding day - you have exactly who you want there and do not feel pressured into anything else. Anyone who really loves you would completely understand. One of my best friends had a very small wedding - they asked me but said they could not afford to have partners too so would i mind if dh did not come (bf has known dh as long as she has known me, we all worked together). He totally understood too and was not narked that I was going alone. There were just 12 of us there (parents, siblings and close friends) - it was a lovely intimate service and then a meal together after. Even better i did not have to arrange a baby sitter and got a night away in a lovely hotel with another very good friend!

susie yes, if you accept money from your parents (or anyone else) towards a wedding (or any other party) they get say over the guestlist.

If they are paying for the wedding then that makes them hosts and hosts get a say over the guestlist.

tbh if you're having a big wedding it's pretty obnoxious not to take your parents' views into account when drawing up your guestlist, whether they are contributing or not.

Either way that's not what's happening here. It sounds like the BB's mother is unhappy with the kind of wedding they're having and is being awkward over this cousin thing. It's very unfair to insist on paying and then start laying down the law over something so silly.

At such short notice I think it's going to be hard to sort this out to BB's satisfaction unless she's happy for her wedding to be a source of hurt feelings and acrimony and I don't get the impression that's what she's hoping for.

Of course i took my parents wishes into account with the guest list, as it was a big wedding. Mum was also contributing as were my ILs. However, they did not expect to have any say in who came, what so ever. It was our day, and we were allowed to do it in exactly the way we wanted to with no pressure from anyone. In fact, they went out of their way to ensure we knew this. Neither side felt that they had 'bought' the right to have any say over the guest list. Its really old fashioned. Its fairly unusual these days that a brides father pays for the wedding, therefore hosting it. Most couples pay for it themselves, with perhaps a contribution from parents.

If the bride and groom are deliberately having a really tiny 'do' afterwards, a meal with close family, I strongly feel that is is entirely up to them who is there. It's not the same as having 100 guests +, so a few extra that your folks want there will not make a difference, or even perhaps really be noticed. Its an intimate meal, round one table. I do not think that it is therefore fair to not have precisely who they want at this intimate occasion.

We will have to agree to disagree I think .