Anyone sharing home with an emotionally checked out husband?

[Lostinlife2025]

We are together for over 17 years and have gone through lots of bumpy roads along the years. With two children, one is five. We are both working full time and financially sharing everything.

Hitting a rocky patch in November, started from a explosive row about kids. Husband told me he's done with trying to work out and has nothing else to give. Refused to go for counselling. The end of conversation..

I myself spent the last two months and a half , through Christmas, being miserable and up and down trying to process it from every angle. With numerous emotional breakdowns in front of the kids, I pressed again and he's not changing stance. So I guess that's it, regardless I like it or not.

Not willing to split (yet), because I still love him and DC2 is still too young. So I guess we need to manage under the safe roof somehow.

I don't know how to do this. I feel I don't know how to present myself in front of him. Gut feeling tells me that I can no longer and am not long willing to put the true self in front of him. I won't be able to share information about my life, except things to do with the kids and common friends. We have trip booked for Easter before all this. I guess I will just manage. But summer holiday usually is the biggest thing to look forward to, but we haven't booked any and probably won't book anything in the end. It will be a huge disappointment for the kids and the summer would also become really long if no going away.

If you have similar experience, sharing with your husband with whom you know the marriage is near end, can you please share some tips and give some advice please.

He's a decent guy and certainly isn't cheating. Lots of personality issues, childhood influences and low libo for many many years... I guess it's just a mis-match in the end. Really nothing can be done to drastically change either him or me...

Counselling or some kind of couples therapy?? It doesn't sound good though.. you seem to both have tired of each other.. kids are difficult in the mix as is working full time. Would you seriously consider co-parenting? One moving out?.. sorry to hear it's a tough situation

Do not do this to yourself and in turn your children who are picking up on all the vibes here, no matter how young they are.

What if he meets someone else?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They’re seeing you as their miserable and constantly preoccupied mother and their dad as unavailable on any level. It’s not great for them either for them to be seeing such role models, you two model the blueprint for their own adult romantic relationships.

How old would your youngest need to be before you would consider leaving?. 5, 8, 10 years of age?. Please reconsider and make the separation sooner rather than later. It’s not going to be any easier when your youngest is that much older and there is never any one good time to leave.

What is there to love about this man, a man who rowed with you about the kids to a point where he has nothing else to give?. Hes not a decent man at all. He has also refused counselling which is another red flag. Undoubtedly the counsellor would pull him up on this behaviour. Are you mixing up love with actually being codependent?.

Whose sake are you staying for currently because it’s not theirs and nor is it easier for you to stay. He has completely checked out of this marriage and I would not go on holiday at Easter with him either, you’ll just be as miserable abroad. RIP the plaster off and get legal advice re divorce as knowledge here is power.

Have a conversation and work out the best way to move forward. What's happening financially? Childcare arrangements? Sleeping arrangements?

Stop doing anything for him such as laundry or cooking. Make sure chores are shared. Get a sofa bed for the living room if there isn't a spare room and take it from there.

Emotionally unavailable perhaps. Not checked out and playing a tragic role like yours seems to be.

Am a believer in not acting out of haste, red mist, anger, grief etc - unless to get out of a dangerous situation, bankruptcy etc obvs. - so would as a basic premise recommend you try to keep the family show on the road for the next 3 months and - to my mind - try to ignore the worst sulks, while you (silently) get the famous 🦆🦆🪿🪿🐓🐓🦃🦃🦤🦤 lined up and start to see how you feel when the raw misery is replaced by something else.

Holiday is the least of the priority of problems to my mind, but there are lots of holidays that you can cancel and get some money back from. Plus you can always go without him if it comes to that. If it helps you to have it in the diary, and you can afford it, book the holiday.

Refusing to go to counselling - what’s that about? Why? Has he done it before? Or does he think he’s above that / not have any friends who have done it?

Have you ever been to therapy / counselling alone? Would you like to go now?

I can’t see why this has all flared up like this now. What does he want from you or the relationship or his life that he says you aren’t doing / his life doesn’t contain? If he’s depressed, would he take some meds? If he has low libido, would he see a quack (GP, I mean)?

Feel a lot of sympathy for you. It must be very hard to be in your shoes, trying to make it work despite all this passive aggro.

If you didn’t have children, would you still want to go all out to make it work?

He’s refused counselling so OP would be better off going on her own if this is to be considered.

Better to also be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. op - never be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life.

He’s already broken up with you so now you need to sit down and work out the next practical steps. It’s unfair for him to stay while you still love him because you’ll remain hopeful that he will change his mind.

You described well how I see it now. But reluctant to do so. Takes time, I guess?

I started looking for individual counselling. Just need someone to talk through and clear up mind.

@NeedsMustNet , thank you. I think you asked a valid question. "If you didn’t have children, would you still want to go all out to make it work?"

The answer would be, I'd move out and calm down. But with children, it's not as simple. Together built a home for so many years...

The pain is so unbearable. I constantly thinking about ending this by ending my life.

I can't stand him ignoring me and ignoring me when I'm in pain...

Thats so sad. I'm really sorry you feel this way

Why do his reactions to you make you want to die?

Hes one person. Not a very nice person, it seems to me

Why do his decisions and actions make you want to die?

Why is what he does and says so critical to your life?

I do completely understand the pain.
But he has made is position clear. He is not going to be your shoulder to cry on or ease your pain. He has fallen out of love and wants to split.

You can't force someone to stay.

I am sorry you are going through this and I too have been someone who fought so hard to keep the family together.

You really do have to start being practical and find a way to sort out how you are going split. Finance/ house/child arrangements etc.

Wishing you the best

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Talk me through your feelings, please.

My marriage is also in a bad way. I can relate and I can also empathise with your wish to weather any storm because you have a life together.

Let’s break it down into small parts.

You are in severe emotional pain and worry. Your husband refuses to acknowledge it. He could do, but he chooses not to. Just like he chooses not to go to counselling with you and chooses to talk in binary black and white about the end of your marriage.

I know your children matter to you more than anything. More, perhaps, than the husband who chooses to ignore the fact that your emotions are just as valid as his. They are the centre of your universe.

Whatever the outcome of this crisis, you will overcome the feelings of pain and worry that you are feeling now.

Plan something nice to do with the children in a few days’ or weeks’ time. Put some money into their savings’ accounts. Go to bed and get up earlier than usual. Don’t allow your husband to colonise your thought patterns please and please don’t expect him to suddenly see the light and realise how wonderful you are, and where he is going wrong.

Wherever either of us is going in our respective marriages, one thing is for sure. We will make sure our kids are OK, and to do that we will make sure we are too!

Your husband is being emotionally abusive towards you and regardless of his feelings this is no way to treat the mother of his kids. Don't punish yourself and your children for this prick. Get angry. Make a plan and LEAVE.

Confide in friends and family asap. You need all the support you can get. Xx

Please go on holiday - without your husband. I went on different holidays with my kids (5 and 10) with my sister, brother and friend and their kids when separated. It was a blessed relief, really therapeutic, and best of all 100% helped me realise I had a MUCH better time than I would have had with him there. Take back your power.

@NeedsMustNet , the hardest part is you don't know what's the right thing to do.

DC2 has always been a very sensitive child. He's very astute in terms of picking up other people's emotions and then internalised them to drive himself in the wrong way.

I know at the moment, this is really not healthy for him to witness. And he's always been a child pushing the boundaries a lot and lately he's even more so and became really difficult. I do suspect he's already picked up the bad vibe.

But talking about a divorce... I don't think I can manage it with him. I can't imagine how difficult he will be. I'm already having hard time to parent him just in good days. With a separation, i will definitely mess it up big...

In reply to your last message, why are you so confident that you will mess up telling your son? No-one can know this for sure.

A possible l, unlikely future event doesn’t need to derail your known current needs or those of your children.

There is nothing to be feared from a world in which your needs come first.

Your H has blindsided you by making the decision to split in which you had no input- he has likely been thinking about it for some time, perhaps that is what the rcoky period in November was about. You need time to process and grieve and get your head around it. He is way ahead of you. Has your H got someone else in the pipeline? Why has he not offered to move out and give you both space to process this? Have you got support - e.g. could a friend or parent help you out a bit. Find a therapist, even to just offload to.

You need to emotionally detach. Don't sleep in the same room, stop doing support work for him ( laundry, food etc), go to the bathroom to sob if you feel too emotional rather than breaking down in front of the DC. They will have picked up on the atmosphere in the house. If you start ruminating for too long on the situation, how it might have occurred, could it be fixed, then pinch yourself, get up and do something and stop - you can't fix it and you haven't caused it. Keep to a separate room as much as possible so you arent int he same space. Don't initiate conversation, dont volunteer information.

Your H is no longer your friend ( and hasnt been for some time) you need to accept this. Get all the paperwork(copies) together of all your finances, his assets, the DC passports. Start getting extra cash back on shopping, watch your joint account. He will likely cut up rough about finances if he isnt engaging with you now or offering to move out. Be very kind and compassionate to yourself. He is causing you heart rending pain and splitting your family - you have every right to feel upset. Good luck

I proposed to move out myself just now.

I can't/don't want to guess why he doesn't offer it. It would hurt myself to think and I also don't want to be "left behind" hoping he's back in the house when I have to face the DCs.

I need space, to myself, away from him. I don't get that now. He said he will give me an answer tomorrow.

I found something on Airbnb in the nearby neighborhood. I will rent for a few weeks but only go there after the DCs go to sleep, so hopefully they won't notice for a while. If that works, I will rent somewhere for long term.

At least, that would help me to emotionally detach amd start to live like an independent person again...(If I don't end up killing myself when living alone...)