MIL staying for 6 weeks!

[Yourfootisinmysirachamayo]

Hi,

My husband and I recently had our first baby, she is the first grandchild on both sides so everyone is very excited and it's been really lovely!

We live a 10 hour flight away from my husband's family so they haven't met our DD yet because of expensive flights and getting time off school/work. They have finally managed to book flights for next month and then we found out that my husband would be away for almost 4 weeks just before they arrive.

It was then suggested that my mil fly out a few weeks early to help out whilst my husband is gone and have some extra bonding time with our baby. I agreed because I do like my mil, even though I've only met her once, and I want our DD to have good relationships with her grandparents. Plus I felt it was only fair as my mum stayed with us for a week right after she was born and had lots of one-on-one time with her.

DD will be 15 weeks when she arrives and I am already worried about how I'm going to feel "sharing" my baby. Obviously I'm not going to be possessive and I want mil to get lots of baby cuddles! Just an irrational thought I have, especially since we're quite isolated and DD has basically only been held by my husband and I.

Anyways, the point of my post, how do I make getting along with mil (alone!) easy? We're quite different people, she's very religious and I know she wishes my husband and I were too. I just really don't want it to feel awkward for so many weeks 🙈

If you guys can, put off visit or husband's travel. 6 weeks is just too long, especially if your husband is not there. You're going to have to do most of the visit work, plus care for your baby. You are going to be exhausted at a time when you're still adjusting to a big life change.

Your postpartum period and maternity leave is for you as a parent having time to grow the bond with your baby as you care for them.

Is your mil pleasant and easy to get along with or pushy? Hopefully pleasant or you are in for a bad time. Your husband is going to have to make it clear if she pushes religion, she leaves.

I'm sure he's not choosing to go away for 4 weeks so I doubt he can change it. I might be wrong but I'm assuming it's work. That's not the answer.

6 weeks with a stranger in your home? ... Jeez op you must need a good shake imo. Your dh needs to be home full time to host his dm.

15 weeks is nearly 4 months old and you may appreciate a balance of some time for yourself by then?
However six weeks of someone in the house is a lot, especially someone you’ve spent so little time with before, and it will be hard work depending how relaxed and helpful she is. Do you think she’d help with cooking and cleaning etc or want to be treated as a guest.
I would try and delay!

Is no one going to actually answer the op, or demand she does something else entirely which she’s not even said she wants? The op likes her mil and has invited her…
Op I think establishing boundaries straight away will help, do you feel able to talk to your mil if she’s overstepping or doing something not to your liking? Have you spoken about what she’s actually supposed to be helping with?

Yes, sorry, I should have said! Husband is away for work and it's not possible to change it. Flights and time off work is already booked too so that can't be changed either, not that I would want them too! They're all incredibly excited to meet our baby.

So far, she is pleasant and not too pushy over religion. Although, she does mention it often. My husband will definitely stand up for me but he won't be contactable whilst he's away.

That is true, I might appreciate the break more by then! Currently she's a very easy baby but I'm aware that can change quickly.

I think she will want to be helpful! She was a very good host when I met her. We stayed with them for two weeks so it was a decent chunk of time to get to know her a little bit.

Having someone you’ve only met once staying in your home for six weeks is a recipe for disaster. Why can’t the flights be changed?

Six weeks is too long. It will potentially ruin your relationship with her. Did your mother not hold the baby when she stayed for a week?

We did this! In-laws arrived when the baby was 4 days old 🙈 they stayed for 5 weeks.

Husband was around though. TBH it was okay, I was cozied up in my bedroom with my little one, when I felt like it. I didn't do any cooking or cleaning during that period as everyone else swooped in and wanted something to do.

My baby was so unsettled and colicky, some days I was happy to have people around as I was genuinely scared of how I would get through another day and night full of exhaustion.

But I still wouldn't do it again. There were little annoying things like them being loud at times.
We did have a huge 5 bedroom house which helped massively as everyone had lots of space.

If it's just you on your own with your first baby? I think it might work out well, as she can give you company and help around too.

Firstly, unlike most people on Mumsnet, I do allow my in-laws to stay for long periods. I make them feel very welcome. I'm always polite even when I'm desperate for time alone. I married into an Indian family where it's normal to spend weeks together. I just fitted in with them. I'm not saying this is right or wrong but I did it for family harmony and it's worked out well. Secondly, you might really welcome the help by then. I absolutely did! I fund being with a small bay24/7 very tough and I appreciated being able to hand her over to MIL sometimes. Thirdly, despite all that even I think 6 weeks is too long! I would have gone for 3 to 4 weeks to be honest.

Flights cannot be changed because a lot of time and organisation has gone into this already. Booking time off work for both PIL and fitting it around school for both my SIL's. There may not be another opportunity for them to come for a long while.

I'm definitely not wanting them to change plans. My mil is definitely not a complete stranger, we message quite often. We just have only met in person once.

@Babadook76 thank you, that is good advice! I probably wouldn't feel comfortable with that but I guess if something big did come up, I would talk to her.

Thanks everyone for the replies! I can see most people think it's too long but I'm going to have to power through 😬. I'm still hopeful we'll gel well together and be friends, aswell as dil/mil!

My in laws live abroad (Australia) so when they visit they visit for 6-8 week blocks. They stayed for 6 weeks over my due date with the DS and then came for 6 weeks when my DD was closer to 6 months.

Are they staying with you the whole time? I found it helped to encourage my in laws to go an explore the UK a bit. They would go Tues-Thurs to a local city to explore. Esp towards the end of their stays. Its give both us and them a break from each other.
Don't stop going to places/classes etc just because she is here. Either she comes with or stays home on her own. My in laws just fit in with what I am doing, decide if they want to join or do their own thing. We usually get them access to another car while they are here so they aren't relying on us for transport.
Other than that just remind yourself they do live so far away and its for short period of time. They won't get weekly time with your DD like your family with so in my opinion its important to make sure they also get quality time while they are around.

My MIL is a midwife though so I was fairly relaxed about her looking after my DS/DD while I napped when DH was at work etc With my DD, as she was closer to 6 months my DH and I took a few nights out for dinner without the children. My in laws also just mucked in and do chores which I think is a massive help if you MIL is like that. My FIL use to take all our washing to the laundrette (mainly I think so he could have alone time lol) once a week instead of me having to do it!

Looking back I wish I had someone stay 6 weeks to help look after baby when DH was working away/long hours. Obviously if she is hands on and not the type where you need to entertain and is purely there to help, I think it would be fine and you will miss her when she's gone. My mil is far from that unfortunately and I see friends who have mil's who help out, cook, put baby down for a nap and look after baby while friend goes for a root dye or get nails done or gym and I get so jealous.

Yes, my mum did, of course. I just meant since then. Thank you for the warning, I'm going to do my best to not let it ruin out relationship 🤞

Thank you! That is all good advice! They will definitely want to get out and explore so a hire car would be good to consider.

We do live in another country to both of our parents so my family aren't at an advantage either. Definitely will try and remember that it's only for a few weeks though!

I'd probably prepare her in advance for how you are living just now. Eg if you hang out in your jammies until midday, send her a selfie of you and the baby doing that and say "here we are, being lazy in our jammies (we do that a lot)!" Have a pile of dirty dishes on the counter behind you etc. Make sure she knows what to expect, so you don't have to 'host' her.
Start going to some playgroups now so you have established mum friends there. Then you continue the routine while she's staying. You either go alone and suggest she has some peaceful time at home, or she takes the baby so you can.
Make plans to visit friends etc once she's been with you a few days. She might offer to look after the baby if you're happy, or you take baby, but either way you get time away from each other.

It's vital this goes well for your future relationship. So if there are issues at the start it's better to be bold and speak out, risk offending her, but then work hard to improve and build the relationship for the rest of the time. The alternative is letting her steamroller you and you feeling a simmering resentment that you will never forgive her for.

I think 6 weeks is long and will feel stifling but hopefully you really do get on as well with your MIL as you think.
I certainly wouldn't be brave enough to let someone I'd only met once stay in my home for 6 weeks!
I think a lot of it will depend on how self sufficient your ILs are - will they do their own laundry, help with cooking etc. Or will they want to be waited on whilst you also do all nappy changes, baths, feeding and bedtimes for your infant and have broken sleep etc.
We travelled to visit my ILs abroad when my daughter was 5 months old and will do the same with our next one, because doing that and being the 'guest' was far far easier than having them visit us.

Your response to what @Babadook76 has said, that you currently probably wouldn't feel comfortable raising a concern to this woman about how she is doing something in your home/with your newborn but you'd only bring something big up to her.
You need to be able to bring anything up to her - from her leaving cups in the living room to not vacuuming or whatever you actually need help with.

The people visiting from overseas may see this as a holiday for them, but for you it's daily life and a huge chunk of your maternity leave. I'd make it very clear from the get go that they are expected to muck in and deal with nappies, middle of the night feeds (if you're not breastfeeding exclusively) if it comes to it and generally doing things that your DH would be doing for you had he been around (within reason of course).

I hope for everyone's sakes it goes well for you all.

Oh and I'd get your DH to tell any of his visiting relatives that any talk of religion should be put on hold while he's away and not even mentioned.

You don't need to be dealing with that on top of having these people to stay with you.

Perhaps while he is around, you could write some handy guides and have them ready for them (should they ask) - such as how the dishwasher works, how to do a load of laundry, that sort of thing. You could even say that your DH thought they might be useful for his family as he's such a thoughtful daddy and husband now (or some such platitudes which can help ease the way).

Why did you agree to this to begin with? Can your mum take her out also. Good luck

Just to give a different perspective my MIL came out for a few (three I think) weeks to help me with a newborn and it really forged a very loving relationship between the two of us. Now my MIL was very very supportive, told me all the time what a great mother I was, did things like offering to get the baby back to sleep after a night feed, made me breakfast every morning. She loves to be needed and she was needed and it brought out the absolute best in her. I know 6 weeks is very long (I have later on had MIL stay for this length of time - and yes she did get on my last nerve after a while).

What I suggest is you take the opportunity to talk to her and get to know her. And that you be very very upfront in a nice way when she is doing something you don't want. Say what you need. As @Lookitsmeagain said
You need to be able to bring anything up to her - from her leaving cups in the living room to not vacuuming or whatever you actually need help with.

Avoid and try get out of it lol! 😂 I couldn't stay with mine for longer than 2 nights :/ nightmare

I would have done a shorter visit initially to get that bond created and to work each other out more. That way you have an idea of what to expect as currently you have no ideas of how them stating will be. My ex MIL stayed for 4 weeks at a time and it was awful. She expected to be waited on. I got in trouble for opening a bag of crisps without offering her one. Despite saying for weeks to help yourself. I tread on eggshells in my own home. Not helpful I know sorry, it’s traumatising!