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Original poster

MIL staying for 6 weeks!

35 replies

Yourfootisinmysirachamayo · 14/01/2025 12:16

Hi,

My husband and I recently had our first baby, she is the first grandchild on both sides so everyone is very excited and it's been really lovely!

We live a 10 hour flight away from my husband's family so they haven't met our DD yet because of expensive flights and getting time off school/work. They have finally managed to book flights for next month and then we found out that my husband would be away for almost 4 weeks just before they arrive.

It was then suggested that my mil fly out a few weeks early to help out whilst my husband is gone and have some extra bonding time with our baby. I agreed because I do like my mil, even though I've only met her once, and I want our DD to have good relationships with her grandparents. Plus I felt it was only fair as my mum stayed with us for a week right after she was born and had lots of one-on-one time with her.

DD will be 15 weeks when she arrives and I am already worried about how I'm going to feel "sharing" my baby. Obviously I'm not going to be possessive and I want mil to get lots of baby cuddles! Just an irrational thought I have, especially since we're quite isolated and DD has basically only been held by my husband and I.

Anyways, the point of my post, how do I make getting along with mil (alone!) easy? We're quite different people, she's very religious and I know she wishes my husband and I were too. I just really don't want it to feel awkward for so many weeks 🙈

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 14/01/2025 17:28

Thinking positively , she is clearly a good person . She brought up DH who you live and she wants to help. If she comes earlier when DH is there she will have the opportunity to see how you do things while you have DH to back you up.
She might be a huge help. You will get more sleep , time to yourself , help with cooking and laundry . Hopefully she will respect that you are the mum and will choose how to do things .
Can you put a tv in her room before she arrives to set the precedent that you might both like time apart? It will help if you can accept not to sweat the small stuff like how your dishwasher is stacked , how the laundry is done etc which is hard …She will annoy the hell out of you at times !

Original poster
Yourfootisinmysirachamayo · 14/01/2025 17:29

gotmychristmasmiracle · 14/01/2025 17:01

Why did you agree to this to begin with? Can your mum take her out also. Good luck

Because I didn't think it would be as awful as people are suggesting here 🙈. My mum is also in another country, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourfootisinmysirachamayo · 14/01/2025 17:31

Pallisers · 14/01/2025 17:08

Just to give a different perspective my MIL came out for a few (three I think) weeks to help me with a newborn and it really forged a very loving relationship between the two of us. Now my MIL was very very supportive, told me all the time what a great mother I was, did things like offering to get the baby back to sleep after a night feed, made me breakfast every morning. She loves to be needed and she was needed and it brought out the absolute best in her. I know 6 weeks is very long (I have later on had MIL stay for this length of time - and yes she did get on my last nerve after a while).

What I suggest is you take the opportunity to talk to her and get to know her. And that you be very very upfront in a nice way when she is doing something you don't want. Say what you need. As @Lookitsmeagain said
You need to be able to bring anything up to her - from her leaving cups in the living room to not vacuuming or whatever you actually need help with.

That's really lovely! I'm glad your mil is so supportive. That does give me some hope. Thank you for the advice!

OP posts:
Madcats · 14/01/2025 17:42

Are you in the UK? Is it JUST your MiL visiting (you mentioned other in-laws?)?

Is there scope to break the first 4 weeks up a little by having a minibreak or two? Don't go too far, but it might be a helpful break for both of you. Or to send your MiL on an escorted overnight tour? Is that practical from where you are?

Try not to break any established mother & baby group routines you might have. 6 weeks is a long time and your friendship group might have moved on.

Original poster
Yourfootisinmysirachamayo · 14/01/2025 18:00

Madcats · 14/01/2025 17:42

Are you in the UK? Is it JUST your MiL visiting (you mentioned other in-laws?)?

Is there scope to break the first 4 weeks up a little by having a minibreak or two? Don't go too far, but it might be a helpful break for both of you. Or to send your MiL on an escorted overnight tour? Is that practical from where you are?

Try not to break any established mother & baby group routines you might have. 6 weeks is a long time and your friendship group might have moved on.

No, I'm from the UK, but we live in another European country and DH's family are from another continent.

The original plan was for his whole family come for two weeks, which is still happening, his mum is just flying out a few weeks early. The rest of his family are arriving on the original date and they will all fly home together.

Mini break isn't really possible due to finances and location but I'll definitely be keeping up with my mum group and coffee dates!

OP posts:
Olika · 14/01/2025 18:11

I don't think it has to be as awful as people like to make it sound. Build the dynamic from the beginning so ask her to help you out, leave her with DD when you want to do your own things etc. make space between you two so you both get breathing space. Take it as she is there to support you and is a team mate. If your mindset is a positive one and you set boundaries and not dwell in possible little things that happen along the way you will surely look back at these early months with fond memories years to come. And it's lovely for your DD to build a bond with her.

Cotton55 · 14/01/2025 18:28

I think it will be fine! Yes, 6 weeks is a long time but it's definitely happening now so try to think positively about it.

You already know you get on well with her. You've stayed with her for 2 weeks and have a good relationship with her on the phone. That's all so positive already.

Before she comes, could you have your DH talk to her and explain /make it clear that she's coming to help, not for a holiday? Let him be quite specific with her . "I want you to help with meal preparation, cleaning, laundry etc. DW will be exhausted so I want this time to be as easy as possible for her etc etc" so she's under no illusions as to what is expected of her.

You might really love the chance to have a shower in peace, go and get your hair done, go out for coffee with your book for an hour. This could be the best thing ever! This time with a new baby is exhausting. And it can feel overwhelming at times and it might be lovely to have another adult who has gone through it all themselves to talk to and feel reassured by.
And by the time she arrives, have a little routine in place where you have baby swimming class /yoga/massage/breastfeeding group or whatever all set up so you can have your little breaks away from her.

Good luck and I really hope it all works out!

gotmychristmasmiracle · 14/01/2025 21:49

@Yourfootisinmysirachamayo you may have a lovely time together 🤞 so positive thinking! Not all MIL are hard work x

Basketballhoop · 14/01/2025 22:12

Yourfootisinmysirachamayo · 14/01/2025 17:29

Because I didn't think it would be as awful as people are suggesting here 🙈. My mum is also in another country, unfortunately.

Show quote history

It won't be as awful as people here are suggesting. Most people on MN seem to hate their in-laws and barely speak to them, let alone have them to stay. It is 6 weeks. 42 days. That is all.

Get into a routine with baby groups so you aren't permanently together. Trust her to look after the baby while you have a nap or whatever you want her to do. After all, she raised your husband. Ask her to help with whatever chores you need help with, otherwise she isn't really there to help! She won't necessarily know how you like things done and when, so some coaching will be needed. You are not hosting her, she is helping you.

Anticipate that there may be 'we didn't do it like that in my day' moments though! And how to deflect them.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 14/01/2025 22:38

Anticipate that there may be 'we didn't do it like that in my day' moments though! And how to deflect them.*

There might well be but it won't be the end of the world, and not worth taking offence over. Just stuff like "yes, I heard that. It's amazing how things change".

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