How to manage DDs expectations regarding audition?

[FlowerP0w3r]

DD does drama and is 7. It was always supposed to be a recreational activity as she's an extremely bright and confident girl and at drama she's surrounded by her people. She loves dancing and singing and I took the time in selecting a suitable drama school for her. Currently we can manage her attendance every week as her class always falls on her time with me (not dad).

At last class they were told about this year's panto and auditions were being held at the local theatre.

Obviously DD wants to audition which in principle I have no issue with however it is her Dad that's the problem.

DDs Dad has little to no interest in any of her activities. When the court order was finalised it was expected he took her to the Tuesday activity that she has. He never did. So I changed her activity to a day she's with me which now means doing two activities back to back midweek.

He takes no interest in what's important to her and she's regularly missed parties, activities, and outings that he just point blank refuses to take her to. He's prevented her from taking part in shows on his contact weekend to. No good reason. Just to spite me. He forced Christmas day contact last year but gave her the most miserable Christmas day.

DDs Dad wouldn't be on board with ferrying her around to rehearsals and shows. It would be a big commitment for both of us as her parents if she was successful at audition and he just wouldn't prioritise it.

How do I let DD down gently without affecting her confidence? Should I let her audition knowing full well she won't be able to do follow through with rehearsals and shows or shall I prevent her from auditioning altogether?

My heart breaks for her, drama and singing is her passion and I've tried everything to fulfil that. Her dad has 5 nights out of 14 so a reasonable amount of time is spent with him. He won't do anything. It would be an insult to ask him.

Let her audition! Don't take that away from her just because of her rubbish dad. She shouldn't be punished for his lack of effort.

But I'm just thinking if she was successful then we couldn't manage it. Is it better just not to audition at all or let her and she'll potentially be let down.

Have a chat with her dance teacher and explain things. At our theatre the children are split into groups and have a performance schedule. They might be able to work around his days

This 👆 It’s definitely worth asking, it would be such a shame for her to miss out because her father is a selfish sod.

That's an idea actually. DDs friend auditioned successfully for last years panto and remember seeing the schedule at her house and the cast were split into two groups so it could be an option. I just don't want to set her up for disappointment but I'll exhaust all possible avenues to make it work from my end if I need to.

My family were approached through my Drama class when I was about 8 about playing Young Cosette when Les Miserables
was coming to a UK Theatre for 6 months. It was going to be a really hefty committment. My Drama Teacher and I were really keen but my parents just couldn't logistically make it work. One worked shifts as an NHS unit manager and the other didn't drive and it was a 2 hour round trip...plus disruption with schooling. Proceeding any further to final auditions etc would just have been downright cruel so they turned the opportunity down before it got any further into the process.

I was gutted but got over it. Then as an 11 year old I was encouraged to audition for Italia Conti, Arts Ed and Sylvia Young by my stage school principal who had connections at both. We lived in Lancashire, I would have had to board on the other end of the country and again my parents didn't want that. I got in to them all and had to turn down two scholarships. I was devastated, felt my life was over etc. Again my parents sat me down and explained all the reasons why it was a no, and I understood. It was auditioning and getting in that really stung.

If you genuinely can't make it work, don't let her audition but gently explain why.

Personally, if you can take on the transport etc I would do it, and don't involve her Dad. She shouldn't miss out because of him.

I've literally had a similar conversation with my daughter today - she wants to audition for something similar but I don't want her to do it in the first term of year 7. She wants to see if she gets in but I said that's wasting everyone's time and would be heartbreaking to turn it down if successful and she stands a pretty good chance so I have said no.

That being said, this is a genuine concern long term as so many shows have varying rehearsal and performance schedules and would be so disappointing if she can never audition for anything through her childhood. Would he let you swap days on as hoc basis to accommodate rehearsals or let you do the transport? I feel my children's shows are a massive commitment for me too so get it's very hard without both parents on side.

@VaVaVoom25 you must've been crushed. That's the feeling I don't want her to experience.

I can do all of the ferrying around no problem but it's the fact he has court ordered specific days for contact. He was determined throughout proceedings as being deeply inflexible and not child focussed so if I ask him I'm simply just going to get a no good reason no. He isn't the type of father who would ever prioritise what is important to DD, she's missed out on a lot because of his inflexibility. For example she had a karate grading on one of his weekends which he refused to take her to, I had to ask her Sensai to grade her individually during her lesson. It's sad as she misses out on the experience but I do the best that I can to make sure she doesn't miss out completely.

Because of Child Perfomer's Licencing Rules, there are a set number of performances children can do in any academic year, so most pantos will have at least 2 casts, if not 3...usually "Red Team" "Blue Team" or "Team Cinders" "Team Ella" or whatever. So you could be looking at half the performances you think, or even a third.

Just be aware as well that it could affect other performance opportunities or competitions if she usually does other things too...so you could end up using up all her licensed shows for the year on the panto.

A friend had this recently as her daughter was offered a pro panto for 6 weeks (half the show), plus the dance schools 3 night show, her drama group play, a singing show, Dance World Cup and Saturday Comps and a high school regional dance showcase which she was meant to be the star of!

They had to turn down Panto, any high school extra curricular shows/opportunities and the play.

So make sure all your dates for the
yeat wouldn't get swallowed up by Panto!

Is this only applicable if they're paid?

It was only very temporarily "crushed" and a good life lesson for someone young in showbiz as disappointment is inevitable in the industry. I honestly got over it and know my parents absolutely made the right choice.

He sounds awful...I don't know how the family courts etc work but he's not acting in her best interests at all. Is there anything that can be done legally? It sounds quite damaging for her to be blocked by her Dad all the time.

Dear DD Dad , child had rehersal tonight so will not be coming to you as you will not take her. Let me know if you want her on x day instead

No. It's nothing to do with payment unfortunately, it's to do with the impact on schooling. It's only 4 days of unpaid performances per 6 months that would be exempt.

This is the info from my LA

https://www.lancashire.gov.uk/children-education-families/keeping-children-safe/children-in-employment-and-entertainment/child-performance-licences/

Performances that do not need a licenceIn certain circumstances an exemption from the licensing process may be possible. Where a child has not performed on more than four days including this performance in the last 6 months and is not being paid, the performance may be exempt. Under these circumstance you should notify Lancashire County Council. The person responsible for the production should complete the following form and email it at least 28 days before the performance takes place to [email protected]:

Her dad is blocking her participation in activities. Don't enable that by blocking her yourself too because of his horrible behaviour. Let her audition.

If you can't work out workarounds with shows, ect, that's on him.

The day will come when she can choose not to go to his.

Make note of any activities he is refusing to take her to, the effects on her, and go over that with a lawyer. It might be significant enough over time to petition for a custody change.

Oh that's a shame OP. What kind of person does that to his own child.
My DD was a performer and my general principle was not to let her audition for anything that I knew beforehand that we couldn't afford or manage logistically, both to avoid her being disappointed and not to inconvenience the relevant staff. Also I didn't want to be kind of forced into doing things that didn't work for the whole family if she got into something we couldn't really manage - I think it is easier for the child not to have an opportunity than to have it and the parents are then the bad guys who say no.
So my initial reaction was going to be "don't let her audition". But then I read more about her so called father and changed my mind. It's totally unfair, but he is letting her down so badly that I think you need to try to pick up the slack if you can. As others have said, there will almost certainly be at least 2 teams so you might be able to work it so that her performances all fall on your time, and there may be opportunities for lift shares with other participants which could help.
It's a risk, as if she does get in and then you cannot fix the logistics she will be disappointed but I think in your shoes I would give it a go. Definitely discuss things with her tea her first though as they may be able to suggest something or have some influence with the panto team. I hope it works out.

Let her audition l.
If anything falls on dad's day then say either take her or she's unavailable for contact.
I had it written in court order the activities ex should do, but they still didn't. So the kids voted with their feet and I took them.

This may vary depending on your local authority, but (afaik, but I can ask) performances by and at your child’s own school don’t count. I understand this from my experience as a teacher in a secondary school which puts on plays regularly in its own school theatre, and as a committee member and trustee of an amateur theatre group which sometimes uses children in its performances and so needs (locally) licensed chaperones and also licences for each child.

(As far as I know, when my school uses outside halls for its musical events they don’t count either but I haven’t been involved in one of those recently. School is very hot on safeguarding so all adults who may be around the children on or off site backstage will have had enhanced DBS checks.)

It sounds as if it’s different in @VaVaVoom25 ‘s area.

I think I might speak to the audition people/drama teacher first before letting her audition then I know what's doable. I'll let them know her schedule and see what's workable. I would and could absolutely pick up the extra slack but I'm limited when he has every other weekend and a midweek overnight. I get time with her dad is important but he doesn't recognise anything that's important to her. The worst thing he ever did was deliberately prevent DD from going to her best friends birthday celebration which unfortunately fell on his weekend due to venue availability, it was so cruel. He's a textbook narcissist but that's a whole other thread.

She can’t do that if there is a court order. She has to follow the order or she could risk he goes back to court and gets awarded more custody time.

No Child performance rules apply to many of those open to public whether children are paid or not. There are strict limits on rehearsal schedules, performance duration and how late they can remain in the theatre. Plus safeguarding of licensed chaperone ratios, changing rooms, signing in and out.

If DD wasn't going because she had an activity dad won't facilitate, then no court would increase contact time. A judge would either write the activity in the order, or reduce dad's contact if proven he won't take her.

Another view is let her audition and she might not get it. She’s had the experience and the decision isn’t in your hands.

if she does, you’ll get the accurate dates and can decide. Rehearsals and performances for that age won’t be as long aa you think. If you really can’t make it work don’t worry just tell the panto people quickly and they are bound to have a reserve.

This is exactly why I stick to the court order. His contact is spends time with but anymore will actually mean shared care. I've just about managed things so that DD didn't miss any of her activities by swapping things around to different days but it does mean she's busy all the time.. she loves it if I didn't think she didn't I wouldn't let her compress her activities into 3 days but she loves being consistently able to attend. I just hate how un child focussed he is. He does it to spite me but really it's her he's hurting.

I have to reiterate having read some of PPs advice, that if you can't make it work, please don't let her audition this time.

From someone who has had a long career since childhood in the industry, on both sides of the table;

a) As I pointed out, being successfully allowed to audition for amazing opportunities as a child and having to turn them down was much more devastating than never going through the audition process at all. It made it feel far more unfair and there was a bigger fallout than if my parents had been upfront and ruled it out straight away. In my case, learning the audition songs, monologues, dances, meeting the "competition", the nerves, adrenaline, hoping to make it through, falling in love with the school/company/show then it all getting snatched away...that was the awful part.

b) It's really poor form in the industry to waste the panel's time. The higher up you get,
the worse it is to audition and then turn them down and it could affect your future chances. I've met some really power trippy casting directors and some lovely ones, the former would blacklist at the drop of a hat. If there's a chance DD would audition and be available next year, it would be better to have that as the "first impression", rather than audition, get in, turn them down and try again next year and maybe not get in second time round.

Checking dates, exact committment details and whether it's going to be at all possible with teachers/production team sounds like the best first step.

On another note, the licensing discussed above isn't something I've experienced, there isn't a limit on it, just their daily hours and how many days in row. Last year my child worked professionally (paid on a film) for 15 days (including 8 school days for which she received tutoring), 25 panto shows (5 of which meant missing school but no tutoring required) and countless evening and weekends performing in amateur shows (maybe 30ish performances). She had a license for all and as long as education doesn't suffer there wasn't a fixed limit.