Page 2 | How to manage DDs expectations regarding audition?

FlowerP0w3r · 2025-01-14T12:16:33+00:00

DD does drama and is 7. It was always supposed to be a recreational activity as she's an extremely bright and confident girl and at drama she's surrounded by her people. She loves dancing and singing and I took the time in selecting a suitable drama school for her. Currently we can manage her attendance every week as her class always falls on her time with me (not dad). At last class they were told about this year's panto and auditions were being held at the local theatre. Obviously DD wants to audition which in principle I have no issue with however it is her Dad that's the problem. DDs Dad has little to no interest in any of her activities. When the court order was finalised it was expected he took her to the Tuesday activity that she has. He never did. So I changed her activity to a day she's with me which now means doing two activities back to back midweek. He takes no interest in what's important to her and she's regularly missed parties, activities, and outings that he just point blank refuses to take her to. He's prevented her from taking part in shows on his contact weekend to. No good reason. Just to spite me. He forced Christmas day contact last year but gave her the most miserable Christmas day. DDs Dad wouldn't be on board with ferrying her around to rehearsals and shows. It would be a big commitment for both of us as her parents if she was successful at audition and he just wouldn't prioritise it. How do I let DD down gently without affecting her confidence? Should I let her audition knowing full well she won't be able to do follow through with rehearsals and shows or shall I prevent her from auditioning altogether? My heart breaks for her, drama and singing is her passion and I've tried everything to fulfil that. Her dad has 5 nights out of 14 so a reasonable amount of time is spent with him. He won't do anything. It would be an insult to ask him.

Original poster

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 17:15

VaVaVoom25 · 14/01/2025 17:06

I have to reiterate having read some of PPs advice, that if you can't make it work, please don't let her audition this time.

From someone who has had a long career since childhood in the industry, on both sides of the table;

a) As I pointed out, being successfully allowed to audition for amazing opportunities as a child and having to turn them down was much more devastating than never going through the audition process at all. It made it feel far more unfair and there was a bigger fallout than if my parents had been upfront and ruled it out straight away. In my case, learning the audition songs, monologues, dances, meeting the "competition", the nerves, adrenaline, hoping to make it through, falling in love with the school/company/show then it all getting snatched away...that was the awful part.

b) It's really poor form in the industry to waste the panel's time. The higher up you get,
the worse it is to audition and then turn them down and it could affect your future chances. I've met some really power trippy casting directors and some lovely ones, the former would blacklist at the drop of a hat. If there's a chance DD would audition and be available next year, it would be better to have that as the "first impression", rather than audition, get in, turn them down and try again next year and maybe not get in second time round.

Checking dates, exact committment details and whether it's going to be at all possible with teachers/production team sounds like the best first step.

Edited

This is really sound advice. Thank you x

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arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2025 17:18

One thing to be very aware of is that there are different types of auditions.

I discovered this to my embarrassment really when dd1 was about 8.

There's actual proper auditions for events, the kind where strangers pay for tickets and there would be no flexibility in their practice schedule I wouldn't imagine. The kind of auditions where hundreds apply for the 6 dancers in the ensemble type.

Then there are these companies, the one round my way is 'rare productions' where they hold 'pretend auditions'. It's actually a lovely idea albeit very naughtily marketed. They hire out a proper theatre at a quiet time of year for the theatre. To be in the show parents have to buy eg £100 worth of tickets. You essentially just pay for the whole thing,and in return the kids perform on a proper stage to an 'audience' - parents. Anyway, dd got 'selected', I boasted about it, 🤭, when to first practice - every single child got in 😂😂😂

Anyway, my point being, if it's that kind of performance, it doesn't matter how many practices she turns up at or doesn't, just pay your ticket fee and she's in.

It's very early in the year to be auditioning for the actual panto.

Sidebeforeself · 14/01/2025 17:30

No advice better than you’ve already had, but just wanted to say how lucky she is to have a Mum like you. Shame she’s got a shit for a Dad but it sounds like you two will do just fine without him. Hope it works out and she gets to do something she loves.

Rocksaltrita · 14/01/2025 17:31

I’d go back to court and list every little thing he has ruined for her. What an idiot! He clearly doesn’t care about her or her wellbeing, so why should he be allowed to continue manipulating her in this way? He’s literally ruining her childhood!

VaVaVoom25 · 14/01/2025 17:32

sunflowersblooming · 14/01/2025 17:11

On another note, the licensing discussed above isn't something I've experienced, there isn't a limit on it, just their daily hours and how many days in row. Last year my child worked professionally (paid on a film) for 15 days (including 8 school days for which she received tutoring), 25 panto shows (5 of which meant missing school but no tutoring required) and countless evening and weekends performing in amateur shows (maybe 30ish performances). She had a license for all and as long as education doesn't suffer there wasn't a fixed limit.

It depends on the LA , school and education offer that's available. Some are very strict (ours!), with others it's less strict...The terms of the Licence itself dictate what the limits are and one child performer can have a different licence from another.

It sounds like the Child Licensing Depts I've dealt with are far stricter than yours. I've had to deal with some dragons of Licencing Officers in my time!

midgetastic · 14/01/2025 17:50

Let her audition

If successful put everything required of him in writing

... perhaps cc his parents if they are around j
....
and volunteer to do the extra running around

Original poster

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 17:52

We are due back in court later this year so I will ask that the choice regarding DDs activities is removed from him and he's ordered to facilitate her going to the important to her commitments such as dance and drama shows.

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Floralnomad · 14/01/2025 17:55

outerspacepotato · 14/01/2025 16:02

Her dad is blocking her participation in activities. Don't enable that by blocking her yourself too because of his horrible behaviour. Let her audition.

If you can't work out workarounds with shows, ect, that's on him.

The day will come when she can choose not to go to his.

Make note of any activities he is refusing to take her to, the effects on her, and go over that with a lawyer. It might be significant enough over time to petition for a custody change.

This and definitely let her audition . He sounds like a right miserable sod who doesn’t deserve to have children at all .

Original poster

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 17:57

Sidebeforeself · 14/01/2025 17:30

No advice better than you’ve already had, but just wanted to say how lucky she is to have a Mum like you. Shame she’s got a shit for a Dad but it sounds like you two will do just fine without him. Hope it works out and she gets to do something she loves.

Thank you. I'd do anything for her. My whole life is centred around her. I work 37.5 hours but I'm lucky enough to work flexibly so I'm always there at every school event, every school mass, every assembly. I take her and pay for all her clubs, I take her to every show and competition and performance that I can. She has her friends around all the time and gets to go to theirs regularly. I take her away as much as I can on little caravan breaks, I'm saving up to take her to see Taylor Swift as she's seen a Taylor Swift tribute act a couple of times and loved it. I'd do absolutely anything for her and she is such a lovely child who is so grateful and not bratty and entitled that it hurts me so much her Dad is so disinterested.

I keep holding onto the fact one day she'll be old enough to decide herself x

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Hungryheart2025 · 14/01/2025 19:01

I had a similar experience with my DSs dad - he wouldn't take him to parties on his weekends when he was little, as it was 'family time', and then wouldn't take him to football matches on his weekends, as again 'family time', which was being bored in his grannys house.

When my DS reached his teens he started telling his Dad he wouldn't be going to stay with him until after football on Saturdays, and just stopped going to stay with him altogether when he was about 15. It's really sad, but when father's don't show an interest in their kids, the kids lose interest in them.

Original poster

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 20:20

Hungryheart2025 · 14/01/2025 19:01

I had a similar experience with my DSs dad - he wouldn't take him to parties on his weekends when he was little, as it was 'family time', and then wouldn't take him to football matches on his weekends, as again 'family time', which was being bored in his grannys house.

When my DS reached his teens he started telling his Dad he wouldn't be going to stay with him until after football on Saturdays, and just stopped going to stay with him altogether when he was about 15. It's really sad, but when father's don't show an interest in their kids, the kids lose interest in them.

The last sentence of your post is what I've been told repeatedly.

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StarCourt · 14/01/2025 20:47

My XH was like this so i had it written into the court order the things that he needed to take DD to during his days with her. She chose to stop seeing him when she was 12 and has had very little contact with him since she's now 16.

Original poster

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 20:51

Seems to be the way it goes I can see..

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oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 20:51

WestiesAreMyBesties · 14/01/2025 15:20

Let her audition! Don't take that away from her just because of her rubbish dad. She shouldn't be punished for his lack of effort.

I’d rather have my child full time than have her messed around like this.
The modern trend of 50/50 only works if both put the child’s needs first.

Could you keep her at yours , or is that not legally possible?

OhBling · 14/01/2025 20:51

Just joining the chorus of "what a twat". I think speaking to th edance school is a good idea - ours is certainly very undertanding and, if it was possible, i'm sure would adapt schedules (obviously, it's not always possible).

Re missing her BFF's party - awful. Have you been honest with your close friends/ parents of her close friends? I ask because DS was very close friends with a boy in primary who had a similar issue and so it became completely normal for us to simply touch base with the friend's mum to check on dates before we booked birthday parties or similar events - and I genuinely didn't mind doing it because DS really wanted his friend to be there, and that was more important to him than the exact date of his party. I knew that he'd never get to come if it was his dad's weekend, so I just made sure we hosted the bash on a day that was his mum's weekend.

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 20:53

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 17:57

Thank you. I'd do anything for her. My whole life is centred around her. I work 37.5 hours but I'm lucky enough to work flexibly so I'm always there at every school event, every school mass, every assembly. I take her and pay for all her clubs, I take her to every show and competition and performance that I can. She has her friends around all the time and gets to go to theirs regularly. I take her away as much as I can on little caravan breaks, I'm saving up to take her to see Taylor Swift as she's seen a Taylor Swift tribute act a couple of times and loved it. I'd do absolutely anything for her and she is such a lovely child who is so grateful and not bratty and entitled that it hurts me so much her Dad is so disinterested.

I keep holding onto the fact one day she'll be old enough to decide herself x

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My son used to listen to a track all the time called “Cat’s Cradle”

I’ll go on laptop and try and link it ….

BigSilly · 14/01/2025 20:53

Dithercats · 14/01/2025 16:46

If DD wasn't going because she had an activity dad won't facilitate, then no court would increase contact time. A judge would either write the activity in the order, or reduce dad's contact if proven he won't take her.

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No because his side would argue her father didn't believe it was in her best interests eg tiredness affecting her schooling.

Original poster

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 20:57

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 20:51

I’d rather have my child full time than have her messed around like this.
The modern trend of 50/50 only works if both put the child’s needs first.

Could you keep her at yours , or is that not legally possible?

Show quote history

Not possible. I'm lucky he doesn't quite have shared care yet but it was very apparent when I was in court it's all about fathers rights not children's rights.

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OhBling · 14/01/2025 21:03

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 20:57

Not possible. I'm lucky he doesn't quite have shared care yet but it was very apparent when I was in court it's all about fathers rights not children's rights.

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I think the older she gets, the more this will be less of an issue. You can a) point to the opportunities she's missed from attendance at clubs, to extra opportunities like this one and b) she will have more and more of a say. Children aren't stupid, they realise pretty quickly if they're losing out on things becuase one of their parents is blocking them.

I would definitely be tracking and recording all instances.

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 21:04

These lyrics ''Cat's in the cradle'' by Ugly kid Joe...

Son listened to them non stop...he is grown now.

My child arrived just the other day;
Came to the world in the usually way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay.
He learned to walk while I was away.
He was talkin' 'fore I knew it.
And as he grew he said,
"I'm gonna be like you, Dad.
You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man on the moon.
"When you comin' home ?"
"Son, I don't know when.
We'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

Well, my son turned ten just the other day.
He said , "Thanks for the ball, Dad. Come on, let's play.
Could you teach me to throw ?" I said, "Not today.
I got a lot to do." He said, "That's okay."
And he walked away and he smiled and he said,
"You know,
I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be like him."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man on the moon.
"When you comin' home ?"
"Son, I don't know when.
We'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

Well, he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say,
"I'm proud of you. Could you sit for a while ?"
He shook his head and he said with a smile,
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. Can I have them please ?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man on the moon.
"When you comin' home ?"
"Son, I don't know when.
We'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

I've long since retired, my son's moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
"I'd like to see you, if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time.

You see my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu,
But it's sure nice talkin' to you, Dad.
It's been sure nice talkin' to you."
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.

My boy was just like me.
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man on the moon.
"When you comin' home ?"
"Son, I don't know when.
We'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 21:17

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 20:57

Not possible. I'm lucky he doesn't quite have shared care yet but it was very apparent when I was in court it's all about fathers rights not children's rights.

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That a real shame if the father can’t be bothered to properly parent his daughter by doing what’s important to her.

Original poster

FlowerP0w3r · 15/01/2025 08:30

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 21:17

That a real shame if the father can’t be bothered to properly parent his daughter by doing what’s important to her.

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Its sadly the way the family court is. They back abusive men all the way.

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