Is this me triggering because of CPTSD or would you be confused?

[DaisyLou33]

These things have happened over the last couple of weeks and this stuff happens all the time. I am so lost if it is me reacting, or you would too? He says he just forgets, misunderstands every time but its so frequent and I feel like Im going mad. He has text me, sorry for confusing you and not providing reassurance.

1. he said about meeting boxing day but then when I mentioned that conversation in regards to something else and said but you said that, he said he never remembered having that conversation.
2. I brought the food for Christmas day, so he text and said Ill bring the drink. What will you be drinking. I said rum. On christmas day, I said did you bring the rum. He said rum, no? so confused. I showed him the text, he said he didn't remember sending the text.

3)The night before my birthday (30th) I knew I wasn't going to have the kids so I said to him, I could stay at yours if you wanted after I finish work. He lives with a housemate. He said he would let me know, the night before that night (so I could take my stuff to work on the 29th) Except he just said speak tomorrow that day, so I knew he didn't want me to stay, as he would have said see you tomorrow/bring your stuff etc. I went to bed sad and home alone that next night, woke up alone on my birthday but it created confusion in my brain because I didn't really know why he didn't want to see me because he hadn't given the reason. I just knew because he said speak and not see. My friends said this is ridiculous text him and ask him, yet again you're sad on your birthday. First he said because we had argued, we hadn't then, then he said he didn't understand and then he said he had seen his housemate had been back and wasn't sure if he was going to be there but he should have told me. I said but you've said he said I can stay even if he is there and he said rubbish, you wouldn't stay anyway, I am nervous about staying when he's there but I probably would have that night.

4)We had agreed to meet the Friday day and night for ages. Thursday night he says about staying at his, Im sure of it. I'm sure we had a whole conversation about it because he doesn't really want to drive his car. Not much down that way in terms of pubs and we can have a better night than last time. When we meet for the walk in the day, I said about a shower after at his and he was confused. Said he didn't remember saying about me staying at his. That he cant imagine saying he would as he didnt know if his flat mate was there. I said but you've already said you don't want to drive your car to mine, so where were we planning on staying then. He said I hadn't really planned that far and I said we've literally planned this for weeks. I said I don't understand do you just not want to spend the night with me, is that it. I just wanted to go home. I did go home, he rang me. He apologised, he said he really wanted to spend the night with me. He just didn't remember, hes careless with what he says, etc. He's sorry for confusing me. But I still can't make sense of that.

HELP

He’s too confusing. Either he has a bad memory and should make more effort (use proper diary invitations in an electronic diary). Or he is being deliberately confusing (keeping his options open or something). Or he is being incredibly unclear by mistake and should try harder. He’s not good for you. Bin

He sounds flaky, unreliable and disorganised. Does he have ADHD?
Even if that's the cause, I'd struggle to deal with this level of flakiness. It would drive anyone round the bend, especially someone who has trauma or really has a strong need for reliability and to know what is what.

Also, did he actually contribute to Christmas Day at all or did you cater it all?

Find someone better. He is deliberately messing you about. There is nothing there to be "confused" about. If he is forgetful he would simply say "oh sorry, I forgot", whereas this seems to be deliberate attempts to make you doubt yourself. Shame the idiot keeps putting it in writing initially. He sounds like a dick.

He's more OCD, very organised, writes lists, etc. People say hes on the spectrum the other way at work whereas the amount of people that say I have ADHD but the CMHT say child trauma can actually mimic ADHD, so I think its that. No, he just brought his own beer.

He's more OCD, very organised, writes lists, etc. People joke he's on the spectrum at work. Whereas the amount of people that say I have ADHD is a lot but the CMHT say child trauma can actually mimic ADHD, so I think its that. No, he just brought his own beer.

This is what I find odd. Once I said I can only meet between 8 - 1 and he said okay and I said so will have to be early and he said thats okay. (Due to kids) Got to the day and he said he couldnt meet early and I never said anything about those times, I said its in black and white. Instead of saying sorry..... he said my english is rubbish. I mean it was so clear. So surely that had to be deliberate.

What would you say to a friend experiencing this from a partner? Because he sounds very selfish and uncaring from where I am sitting. And it does sound deliberate, if he is otherwise very organised.

One other thing I am confused about is he said something that hurt me and he said no other girl would be upset. So in the end I asked my friends if they would be upset. They said yes and so I explained that to him.

He said although what he had done was wrong, what I had done was just as bad and the same thing. But to me I was just trying to ground myself and find out if other people would be upset but I think he's saying it's tit for tat?

I think youre looking for objective permission to be upset. You don’t need it.

He doesn't sound like a nice person

What I'm really struggling with is my nervous system is screaming at me and is feeling how it did around the original source of trauma. But I don't know if that is valid because I can't work out if the intent is the same or his actions are just creating some of the same feelings unintentionally. If that makes sense. I really am now struggling to work it out.

Your feelings are valid, don’t doubt yourself here - you can and should trust your judgement of the situation. It sounds like he is gaslighting you and deliberately trying to make you second guess, undermining your appraisals of situations. It’s such early days which should not be fraught with confusion, misunderstandings and upset which could very well be deliberate by him. Things could escalate and I think it would be wise to throw this one back OP, you can do better.

With CPTSD it is so important that you form safe relationships with people who are congruent and consistent. You will find healing in these relationships. I doubt what you are experiencing now with him will get better. Take care of yourself OP.

Trying to work out his intent will just keep you analysing and ultimately stuck. What matters is his behaviour and how it makes you feel. When confronted he does not take responsibility and apologise, he keeps trying to blame you and deny and minimise his actions. This is not the behaviour of a mature, considerate and emotionally literate person. You know this, don’t undermine yourself by spending time analysing his potential motivations and inner workings, it really doesn’t matter. This isn’t making you happy.

I think he's gaslighting you, and what you've described does sound like a trauma response.
I hope he hasn't suggested your reactions are an overreaction as a result of past trauma?

He's being unreliable, won't take responsibility, and would prefer to tell you your reactions are incorrect rather than looking at whether his own behaviour might have caused those reactions. He's more likely to lie and blame shift than to apologise.
He sounds emotionally immature, and possibly as though he wants you to feel insecure in this relationship.

As someone who also has CPTSD - if he's making you feel awful like this, he's not the person for you (or possibly anyone). You don't have to find a valid reason, he doesn't have to do something objectively 'wrong' that the whole world would agree was a good justification for binning him off. If the way he behaves is affecting you negatively, that's enough of a reason.

It's understandably frustrating. I'm also very forgtful, it's why I write lists and put things in calendars. Even then, i will forget until the day and then realise I've also agreed to something else. Because sometimes i also forget to put things in calendars. And around we go.

However!, I also apologise for forgetting, rather than make out the problem is how someone else tried to schedule something. And I try my best not to forget. Especially if I upset someone because of it. And this fella of yours doesn't seem to be making an effort with that. Or apologising. It's not great really.

Irrespective of why, intentional or not, it's the efforts we make that make the difference. Whether he cares enough to put it in the calendar, and make sure he doesn't let you down. And particularly in your frame of mind. I would probably end it.

You have a genuine gaslighter. Often brandied about as a term but you've discovered the real thing, in the wild.

He is gaslighting you (aka pyschological abuse) and he needs to be gone from your day to day life now. He targeted you to abuse you and is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Like many abusers also these types can be quite plausible to those in the outside world. He will also continue to make you doubt your own reality and drag you further down with him if you remain in a relationship with him.

He is psychologically abusing you and you need to get away from him now. This won’t get better, it will get worse. If you stay with this man you will never be able to trust your own reality. He will tell you which version of his reality is correct and you will think you’re insane and will be utterly traumatised by him. Leave now.

What’s worrying me is that whatever he is doing is having the effect that gaslighting does. You are starting to feel uncertain about what’s reality, what’s his mistake, what’s yours.Which leads to you not trusting yourself, which will eat away at you unless you put a stop to this pattern. You are becoming paranoid for a reason. Even if it is just his memory, he doesn’t seem to care.

Ultimately this isn’t working for you. He shouldn’t make plans he can’t stick to. He shouldn’t mess you around and then come up with terrible excuses, multiple times.

This is is. I feel like I'm permanently in a washing machine. Nothing makes sense. Before we split up this time we were meant to be moving in together. We were discussing it every night for ages. But then he wasn't telling people at work (clearly because he didn't want to actually commit to the idea I established) but when I confronted him he said a) I was weird for wanting to tell people we work in. It was a private thing between us. But that's a normal thing you normally tell people that you're moving in together isn't it. Its happy and exciting. And also that he hadn't been telling me that. He did then admit no he had been and that he was wrong. So that was something but he split up with me anyway.

@DaisyLou33 You need to ditch him, this won’t get better.

To echo this poster - I have ADHD and am "heavily impacted" by this.
Despite doing absolutely everything in my power to not forget anything, sometimes it happens anyway. ADHD might be the reason, but it isn't an excuse - if my behaviour upsets somebody it's my responsibility, even though upsetting them was never my intention. It's not on the other person to be understanding, it's on me to apologise and hope that they'll forgive me (and accept that they might not). I can't imagine refusing to apologise, let alone turning it around and trying to make the other person doubt their memory - that's abusive, disgusting, and kind of pathetic.

Your partner doesn't have an excuse, he doesn't take responsibility, and he doesn't even seem to have good intentions in the first place. He's not behaving like a caring partner, he is gaslighting you (the term gets thrown about a lot now, but this seems to be a very real case of it), and you deserve much, much better.

If he already split up with you what are you asking?

He was abusive. He's gone. Block him. You don't need to add to CPTSD. Your experiences told you this was wrong, you've made progress. You need to trust your judgement now.

We have got back together two months ago.

His behaviour would make sense if he is 83.

Not to make light of your CPTSD but I think my nerves would be screaming if I had someone like that in my life, even only a friend.

Chuck him back and get a better one