Is this me triggering because of CPTSD or would you be confused?

[DaisyLou33]

These things have happened over the last couple of weeks and this stuff happens all the time. I am so lost if it is me reacting, or you would too? He says he just forgets, misunderstands every time but its so frequent and I feel like Im going mad. He has text me, sorry for confusing you and not providing reassurance.

1. he said about meeting boxing day but then when I mentioned that conversation in regards to something else and said but you said that, he said he never remembered having that conversation.
2. I brought the food for Christmas day, so he text and said Ill bring the drink. What will you be drinking. I said rum. On christmas day, I said did you bring the rum. He said rum, no? so confused. I showed him the text, he said he didn't remember sending the text.

3)The night before my birthday (30th) I knew I wasn't going to have the kids so I said to him, I could stay at yours if you wanted after I finish work. He lives with a housemate. He said he would let me know, the night before that night (so I could take my stuff to work on the 29th) Except he just said speak tomorrow that day, so I knew he didn't want me to stay, as he would have said see you tomorrow/bring your stuff etc. I went to bed sad and home alone that next night, woke up alone on my birthday but it created confusion in my brain because I didn't really know why he didn't want to see me because he hadn't given the reason. I just knew because he said speak and not see. My friends said this is ridiculous text him and ask him, yet again you're sad on your birthday. First he said because we had argued, we hadn't then, then he said he didn't understand and then he said he had seen his housemate had been back and wasn't sure if he was going to be there but he should have told me. I said but you've said he said I can stay even if he is there and he said rubbish, you wouldn't stay anyway, I am nervous about staying when he's there but I probably would have that night.

4)We had agreed to meet the Friday day and night for ages. Thursday night he says about staying at his, Im sure of it. I'm sure we had a whole conversation about it because he doesn't really want to drive his car. Not much down that way in terms of pubs and we can have a better night than last time. When we meet for the walk in the day, I said about a shower after at his and he was confused. Said he didn't remember saying about me staying at his. That he cant imagine saying he would as he didnt know if his flat mate was there. I said but you've already said you don't want to drive your car to mine, so where were we planning on staying then. He said I hadn't really planned that far and I said we've literally planned this for weeks. I said I don't understand do you just not want to spend the night with me, is that it. I just wanted to go home. I did go home, he rang me. He apologised, he said he really wanted to spend the night with me. He just didn't remember, hes careless with what he says, etc. He's sorry for confusing me. But I still can't make sense of that.

HELP

I really think that your feelings are valid, regardless of the cause. You deserve someone who makes you happy.

He doesn't care about you.
He is driving you mad.
And you are allowing him too.

Why are you allowing him to mess with you and explain away his selfish bullshit?
He's a liar.

Dump him.
You have children.
Why are you allowing someone mess with your mental health like this?
Your children need you well.

This would drive anyone mad.

Does this prat spend time with your kids? How can you consider living with him when he twists and lies all the time to keep you on the back foot? Bin and block.

I agree he's gaslighting you. Or at least he's trying to but he's shit at it.

You can see he's literally putting things in writing and then denying he said it. So it's absolutely definitely him and not you.

Just bin him off, he sounds like a complete waste of time.

OP, something to always bear in mind is that persistent confusion is the first sign of a toxic relationship.

That is because the confusion comes from you knowing in your heart that the person is a wrong 'un, but then you try to rationalise it so you don't have to end the relationship ('it's my CPTSD').

In a healthy relationship, any confusion is rare and quickly resolved by a conversation. So even if it WERE your CPTSD (I do not believe it is), the fact is that the two of you are a poor fit and the relationshhip cannot be healthy - so it needs to end.

Relationships are meant to make both people happy and build up both people. This isn't happeing for you - and it's because he's an arse. But even if it WAS your CPTSD, if you are not happy or feeling safe and supported, it's time to end it anyway.

I also have ADHD and one of the major issues I have with it is forgetfulness but I don’t mess people around on this industrial scale. And, if I do forget something major, I apologise big time and don’t gas light them.

If the guy in this question is really “forgetting” as many things as this, by this stage he would be going to see a doctor to ask them why his memory is so poor. And putting multiple reminders into his phone so he doesn’t let his GF down AGAIN. He is not doing either. He is just denying what he wants to when he can.

So if he can remember things he “forgot” when OP has a text showing what he said, but not when she doesn’t - ie. His memory is only jogged by something he can’t deny, not by her reminding him - then that is a very selective kind of forgetting.

I might forget to put the washing on / to hang it up or forget where my keys are or run late to get places but wouldn’t abuse my partner’s good faith by forgetting things just when they happen to be about them or leave them alone and feeling unspecial at Christmas time! Would you?

By the way I think we agree.
Apologies if my message comes across as me disagreeing with you on this!

I received some very good advice when I had counselling some years ago. My counsellor said if someone is making you feel confused that is a red flag. Good people with good intentions do not make us feel confused. They may occasionally mess up or make mistakes, but they do not make us feel confused by their behaviour, words or intentions - particularly not on a regular basis.

The fact you posted all of this @DaisyLou33 means deep down you know the answer about this man. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

He doesn't sound that into you. He can't be bothered to make an effort.

Get rid you deserve someone better

Apologies haven't RTFT but have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder aka EUPD. I was diagnosed with that and ADHD as the symptoms are very similarly. BPD can be triggered by childhood trauma which you allude to. Very happy to answer any questions if you want to ask on here or you can PM if you prefer.

Get rid of this oddball who claims to have severe memory issues.

Constantly being rejected will take its toll on you and it sounds like you’re reliving something awful being around this shit. Stop letting him mess with you and get rid.

My abusive XH did this kind of stuff all the time, it completely fried my head and I now have CPSTD...even reading your post made me anxious, that's how recognisable it is.

There's a FB meme that says something like "if a snake bites you, concentrate on dealing with the poison and getting as far away from the snake as possible, rather than wasting time asking the snake why it bit you." Do this, stop trying to work it out, just get away from him and don't go back.

Wishing you all the best in escaping from this headf*ck, you deserve better.

It sounds like he's gaslighting you.

Even if there's a non-abusive reason for his behaviour, the effect is the same.

This relationship is no good for you. It shouldn't feel like this.

End things again, but make it permanent.

The OP is diagnosed with complex PTSD.

@Plastictrees so am I. And also ADHD and BPD. What's your point?

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I am unsure what the point of your post is. The OP isn’t questioning her diagnosis and you aren’t responding to her actual post. You haven’t even RTFT. What has EUPD got to do with anything? Or any of your diagnoses?

This has absolutely nothing to do with your CPTSD and everything to do with him being a gas lighting, flaky piece of shit.
I have CPTSD and I definitely know the difference.
Dump him before he actually does drive you mad.

@Plastictrees because the OP asked if she had ADHD and there is massive overlap between ADHD symptoms and EUPD symptoms. EUPD is often caused by childhood trauma and given the diagnosis of cPTSD I wondered if it was something for the OP to explore. Obviously you don't think this relevant and I don't want to derail the thread by arguing about it so I'll go now.

OMG - I could have written this AND we share the same birthday! Quite spooky reading about your experiences. My BF was exactly like this and left me with anxiety - constantly questioning myself and being made to feel like I was clingy. Last week he ended the relationship saying he needs to be alone and work on himself. He's been diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder, apparently a coping mechanism bought about by unprocessed childhood trauma. It means that he can fluctuate between extreme affection when he's having a good day (excited about our future, making plans for holidays and days out, sending me romantic texts etc) and compete withdrawal on a bad day (no contact, short 2 word responses when he does, forgetting our plans or not wanting to make any).
I am devastated that it's over and I completely fell in love with him but it explains SO MUCH about our relationship and the past few months especially.

He is also devastated that he can't be the man I thought I had and the man he wante to be for me, but he has a lot to unpack and honestly, now that I know I wasn't going mad, and that there IS a reason for how I was feeling, I don't think I'd ever want him. back as much as. I love him. It would have been a life on constant eggshells, never knowing which version of him I'd be getting.

We know when our gut instinct kicks in - I think it's either that he's not that interested in you OR if he has previously seemed very interested, in recent weeks and is only now displaying this sort of behaviour, I'd say he has some sort of avoidant disorder possibly.
I truly feel for you - my heart breaks every day as a result of my BF's inconsistency and inability to truly love me in the way he said he did.

This totally.
My BF did the right thing in the end and said he couldn't put me through this anymore. He has Dissociative Disorder (newly diagnosed) and as soon as I read about it, it was like a lightbulb moment for me. All of the gaslighting, inconsistency, extreme affection one day, ignoring me the next, making me feel like the problem, wanting to take a holiday then then next day needing space and not wanting anything in the calender - such a headf**k.

My heart is broken, I cry constantly, miss him all the time and am grieving for the life we both said we'd have together but now that I know the REAL him and the very real unprocessed childhood trauma he needs to spend a long time unpacking, I know I couldn't cope with it. I have never had anxiety in my life but being involved with this man for 8 months has left me on betablockers for panic attacks, anxiety and depression.

No-one is worth sacrificing your mental health for. Never. I have 2 children and I need to be well for them. I hope the OP can walk away from what sounds like a damaging relationship.

Honestly, having read your extra posts, you need to break up with him and find someone more reliable.

If he was as genuinely forgetful as he says, he wouldn't even be able to hold a job down.

And the fact is he is blaming you and your communication for his issues. That is nasty. Nobody on this thread has had any issues with your communication.

This is unacceptable in a friendship let alone a relationship. The people we have relationships with can have a massive impact on our lives and happiness, for food or for bad. He is not making you overall happy, don't tolerate this.

He either has some sort of disorder- early onset dementia??- or he is a gaslighter and a selfish PoS. Either way, it shouldn’t be this hard and you shouldn’t be feeling triggered. Not all men will make you feel triggered, drop this one and give yourself a break.

He is gaslighting you.

It is deliberate.

It softens you up so you don't trust your own judgment.

It's a classic move in preparation for domestic violence.

Leave him.

He doesn't have your welfare at heart.

You deserve better.

You are worth more this.