To split with my baby's dad

[tiggyc]

This may be a bit of a long one..

I have a 6 month old and am seriously considering splitting with his dad, am I being shortsighted?

We have been together 9 years, and own a house together - long story short I just don't think we get along anymore. We like different things and honestly there is no crossover, our humour is completely different and honestly we haven't had sex since I conceived our little one even though we have discussed trying to build intimacy nothing ever seems to happen, I think if I'm truthful I don't really even want to have sex with him anymore.

We are definitely like roommates, he actually doesn't sleep in our bedroom anymore either, it started due to the baby but now I don't think either of us really have a desire for him to come back into the bedroom. He comes and goes as he likes and we don't really do anything as a couple and if we ever do it usually descends into awkwardness or an argument.

We have tried having deep chats and discussing it and understand each other but it's like trying to square a circle if that makes sense? Because our personalities are just opposite.

I keep seeing couples holding hands, spending time together, travelling, laughing and even getting engaged (he says that he doesn't see the point in marriage but tbh I think really it's that he doesn't want to marry me) I want all this for myself, and feel like I deserve a loving, intimate relationship and don't want to stay in something that isn't right but then at the same time now have my baby to think about.

Thank you for reading my ramblings 🤦🏻‍♀️ any thoughts?

is this a recent development?

@saveandfill good point I meant to add, I don't think so, we've been at loggerheads personality wise for a good few years and intimacy wise again, probably 3 years it's been once every 6 months and no really affection shown outside of that.

I would never take my baby back but in hindsight I should have addressed this prior to getting pregnant!

I think you know that there's no point staying with him. Not wanting to marry you shows he doesn't want proper commitment. And your baby is better off growing up with parents who aren't together rather than seeing you and your partner resenting eachother because you don't really want to stay together. Really hope you realise that you're worth more than this😊

I always think in a relationship you choose each other every day. It doesn’t sound like you would choose him now. That’s enough reason to leave.

bloody hell
that’s a bit…. well, you’re saying if on ONE day someone is really pissed at their partner and doesn’t want to be around them, they should finish it? on the basis of one day?

What is he like as a parent?

Do you have a joint home? Do you work?

It’s unlikely to get better - so it might be for the best to make the break now, while you can do it amicably. The danger is leaving it until resentment and acrimony grows, when it will be harder to make sensible arrangements about the house, baby…. There’s never a good time, but often now rather than later is the least worst.

If there is no actual fighting or abuse, I recommend not making a decision like this during the first year of having a baby. Even the best relationships are tested with a newborn.

Not literally one bad day but it doesn’t sound as if OP would have chosen him at any point over the past three years.

This. Although I don't advocate staying together for the sake of the kids, if you're rumbling along fairly amicably then you can afford yourself a bit of thinking time to work out how best to go about it if things haven't improved by this time next year for instance.

i don’t see much amicable about we’re at loggerheads

and He comes and goes as he likes and we don't really do anything as a couple and if we ever do it usually descends into awkwardness or an argument.

I'm not suggesting it sounds like much fun, but unless OP is financially independant, which she might be, I hope she is, then leaving when you have a small baby isn't much fun either.

There is something to be said for knowing what you need to do, but also having the wits to do it at the time that suits you best.

yup

i was just saying doesn’t seem “fairly amicable” to me 🤷

@saveandfill @JimHalpertsWife @Ponderingwindow @canyouletthedogoutplease @StormingNorman

I do work, currently on mat leave but fortunately have a really great corporate role that actually pays more than my partners job (not that it's ever mattered but will definitely help me in this case!) I am totally financially independent other than obviously the mortgage and bills where we split 50/50.

There is no abuse in the relationship thankfully, but it's not the nicest place to be when we are barely talking and when we do all I seem to get is one word answers and attitude - I am definitely not looking to make any big moves before my mat leave is over and I'm back to work but am wanting to get my head straight and ducks in a row now rather than later.

He really struggled at the beginning when I had first had the baby, he actually forgot we had her a couple of times which was concerning and I definitely did way more in terms of parenting then him, as she has got older he is more interested but still I feel that he's missing the pull to her - for example, New Year's Eve he chose to go on a night out with work friends rather than staying home with us and seemed genuinely confused when I was mildly upset that he wouldn't want to spend her first new years as a family. He has also mentioned several times that he never wanted kids but now he has her he thinks it's great...that's news to me as she was very much a planned pregnancy! He has also admitted that although he is grateful for our time together and wouldn't take our baby back now, he doesn't actually think he should have got into a long term relationship...umm, 9 years in..really!?

Finally on the intimacy side of things, he has been suggesting that we go to a swingers club for a number of years now, we never have as I've put it off. I have nothing against people that do, and can totally see the appeal for some people but honestly with the state of our love life and also not really being that interested myself I thought it may well be a recipe for disaster. I'm now thinking that tbh it's just a way of being able to sleep with other women without actually cheating 🤔

If the relationship is dodgy, the last thing you should do is marry. 🤷‍♀️

Following your update I would definitely be making plans for your exit OP, doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship to salvage unfortunately.

not now
but if married when happy
a damn sight better positioned a decade later with a baby and on maternity leave or maybe no job at all

@saveandfill in this case it's actually a good thing we didn't marry, I have a much larger pension and earning and he would have a claim on that had we been married - so relieved about that!

I'd probably just work slowly towards the separation. Get yourself back to work (and whatever point you planned to anyways), and in the meantime check out things like removing him from the tenancy/ selling / renting alone. Look at what benefits (eg help with childcare etc).

Are you both 50/50 on bills even when you are on matpay?

amazing!

and the property? rent? own?

arr you on maternity keave?

It doesn’t sound like there’s any relationship left to save TBH.

I think you need to make your own plans for separating your asstes and working out how you might co parent after the split.

Is your house the only joint assset? Do you need legal advice on that? Would one of you buy the other out?

Re your joint child - I think you need to hope for the best and plan for the worst. So talk about your return to work and how you are going to split nursery drop off / pick up / sick days etc. set up a separate bank account for all child related costs like baby items, nursery fees etc . Don’t use an existing joint account that’s for household costs, as he will stop paying into that if he moves out.

Make sure you come up with a fair division of labour after you go back to work - divide up all child care, housework , admin and wifework. Id recommend that you do NO wifework as he will almost certainly leave all the child related admin to you once you split.

Start to build / improve your own support network now. Make sure you go out as many nights a week as he does NOW - you should have equal child free time.

Ideally you are trying to get him to do half the childcare NOW when he’s not in work . If he doesn’t do this with baby now, there’s not a snowballs chance in hell he will do it after you split up.

That’s all the hoping for the best bit.

In terms of planning for the worst - can you manage if he pays no child mainetenance and hardly ever sees his child? lots of men talk about 50:50 at the split and about 1% do it. Sadly about half of all men have no contact with their kids at all within a few years, through their own choice.

Given how young your child is and your partners lack of interest so far, I suspect he will be one of them. I’m sorry .

@saveandfill @JimHalpertsWife @OliveThe0therReindeer

I am on Mat leave, so far I've been fortunate enough to be on full pay for 6 months so have been continuing with the 50/50 but now that has finished we are using joint savings to top up the shortfall, he is also doing overtime at the weekends to save additional money.

We own our house and will have around 100k equity when we sell, and I will push for a higher percentage of that as I will be having our baby more than him and so will need more money to set up - I'm hoping to buy a flat rather than rent if possible.

At the end of the day, he isn't a bad man, he does a decent amount of housework and will take the baby if I ask (would be great if it was natural but there we are) and has decent morals. We get on ok for friends, but realistically that is all we are now, I think ultimately we have just run our course and your reactions have solidified that for me.

@OliveThe0therReindeer you are absolutely right, those are definitely the steps I need to take over the next 6 months to ensure I'm in the best position possible and I have just signed up to the gym so will be getting out a good few evenings a week so he has the baby which is something he does currently but I haven't been!

OP as you are not married there is no way for you to push for a higher % of equity. You both own 50% (if bought as joint tenants) so you both get your 50% and then you’d get CMS from him unless 50/50 care. If you were married you could argue for a bigger share of equity due to your child but unmarried that isn’t an option x

@Mrsttcno1 Yeah absolutely, fortunately he is willing for me to have a higher %, even if that means he passing it over to me after the sale, so that's what I meant by that - I am lucky that he is a very reasonable person and doesn't want to see me struggle at all which is definitely good!