I need help with my current long term relationship

[anewlifeforme]

Hi all.

I am after some advice. I have been in a long term relationship for quite a few years now, we have been living together for over 20 years and I am now contemplating my options.

It started off as a great relationship, we were young, early 20s and we did everything together. I know that as time goes by that changes naturally but this is going from one extreme to another.

There are a few challenges we have, I think both of us have high stress levels as we have children and one of them have additional needs. There are other things in the equation that I don't want to mention in case he does read this that would affect his and my stress levels.

But the romance isn't there any more, sex happens a couple of times a week but after a couple of drinks (we are NOT alcoholics by any means but there is no kissing or passion. He almost hides when I try and kiss him. He doesn't kiss me or cuddle me. I try to kiss and cuddle him but it seems forced on his part.

I need more in this relationship.

He is quite a negative person and I think that my mental health issues is because of him. It is also because of other things like bereavement, a child with additional needs and such (again need to be vague).

I don't have much family left, none nearby and I will be the one to move out of the house if I decide to do this. The children will decide where they want to go, I can certainly see at least one of them staying put.

We are not married.

So I have some savings, but he is asking for some money but if I give him that money, I am not financially stable enough to make the decision to end it and move out. What on earth do I say to him when he asks for money.

I am not 100% certain if I want to move out and end it there and then as there are certain things that are tying me to the relationship and this house, kids being one of them and I currently don't work. My mental health and children stop this from happening. But I can't seem to sort my mental health out the way I am now but I want to be financially secure so I am not tied down and I don't want my mental health to get worse and get to the point that I am at breaking point and can't go anywhere.

Thanks in advance for reading this. I appreciate it.

What is he asking for the money for?

Why does he want money from you? How old are the children? Who owns the house & who pays the bills at the moment?

It sounds like you just want to run away but what's the longer term plan? How would you manage once your savings have run out? Have you checked what help you would be able to get if you moved out either with or without the kids?

Stop having sex you don't want and challenge him on his negativity. But you also need to work out what needs to change in your life for you to feel like you can address your MH / lack of work.

How will things get better if you leave him right now? It sounds like if you leave him you will still have kids and no job and it'll be even harder to work as a single parent (unless you think he will take on all the child care when you leave?)

Sorry was busy. The children are teenagers, near to teens but one has additional needs and has a lot of time off school due to various things, the house is in both of our names but he pays for the mortgage, bills and most things, I pay for the kids things.

The money is needed for non-essential things.

I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle with the relationship. There is more stress every single day than there is nice things. I don't know how to tell him to be honest. I am trying my best at the moment to sort out my mental health and see what I can do to make my life better and to make sure I can one day earn a decent income.

I feel like I am a kind person, hence why I can't find the right way to tell him that I need the cash to feel more secure. He is an okay person, he has the kids interests at heart but I feel I am losing out on my life continuing with this relationship. The amount of nights I have been in tears because the lack of love, it is breaking me. I know I won't get that love being on my own but I will not have to deal with this feeling any more.

I have done what is right for everyone else my entire life and I think I need to start thinking about myself, especially now the children are older.

Say you can't access the money right now and are saving.

That won't work as he is quite controlling on what I have and haven't got. He needs to know everything I have in my account and past me has let him know this.

I feel like I am being controlled by him and can't say no. Because he makes me feel absolutely horrible. He isn't abusive, just very controlling. I feel as if I have been worn down by him, to be honest. My self esteem is terrible.

Control IS abuse.

I think “non-essential” things is quite a wide spectrum really, and I also think depending on how finances are balanced if he isn’t left with any money after paying for all household bills then he’d be within his rights for a share of the “other” money, whether that is asking you for what is there or if you want to keep that money then moving forward you paying towards the running of the household so that you both have some money left over.

Really if money is tight then you should both be left with some money, it’s not right that one person be able to save while they other can’t due to funding the household, if that is the case here.

This IS abuse, though.

No wonder you have mental health issues.

Do you know how much money he has? What woukd he say if you asked?

I am finding this hard to process. I feel like I am not being a good person for not working but the amount of times I have had my child at home and the amount of stuff that has happened to me (other than the relationship), health, bereavement, dealing with the health of my child (children at times), I cannot commit to a job without getting the sack because I am not there for much of the time. I think I put myself down.

I cook, look after the children and him, make all of the teas and drinks. I don't think he has cooked or made me a cup of tea for me...not for a long long time.

I make all of the appointments for everything, medical, anything to do with the house.

I don't just sit on my bottom all day long. I get tired quick and mentally worn out but I think it is because I am having to deal with quite a lot. A lot for me anyway. Maybe not for other people. There I go again, trying to make excuses as to why I should be in this position..I don't know what to do to be honest.

I do know. It isn't the who has what situation but because I am not happy with the relationship, I need to find a way of telling him without breaking him and also breaking the kids. The children are close to him, the relationship is good. It is just a shame that I feel like our relationship together is not good.

He earns way more than me. I would give him money but as I say, I am not happy in this relationship and I am not sure how to start getting out of it if I spend the money that I have. It is really hard for me to work out what is best. I have spend all my life doing what is right for other people.

I think it is about time I start doing what is right for me. I know the children are a factor in this but the amount of times I wonder if they see me as I am and ask questions. I am in tears posting this. The amount of time I am in tears because I am not happy (not in front of anyone of course).

Control is a form of abuse. Am sure you know that though.

The thing is without knowing the numbers, and you absolutely don’t have to share them, nobody can say if his request is fair, or your denial of it is fair.

He could earn more and still have less left. As an example if you earn £1200 and he earns £2500, so more than double, but he is paying all of the household bills, he could easily be left with next to nothing after paying for everything. Whereas you earn less but are paying for less, you’d end up with more left over to save. If that was the situation then him asking for money, or asking you to contribute more, isn’t abusive and in fact the opposite would be. Him having nothing left while you do, as I say, if that is the case.

If you want to leave though start getting your ducks in a row, see what you may be entitled to if you left, look at housing options, it won’t be easy but it is possible and you don’t have to stay in a situation that makes you happy.

If he earns much more he will have a pension that is hugely much bigger than yours.

Your savings are your pension.

Say that you have been reading up about pensions, are worried you haven’t got enough for your retirement and want this for that. He can’t say you have got enough for your retirement - it’s up to you to decide your comfort levels.

if the money is for non-essential things why can’t he save for it?

Your money is your own! Plenty of women fought for you to have the right to have your own bank account. Also “kindness” and “niceness” is what you can of people who have set out firm and appropriate boundaries. Anyone who is being controlled is not doing what she is told out of kindness.

I am not 'moaning' about him asking for money. He is very much entitled to ask for it. I am just concerned that I don't have much to give if I want out. I am certainly heading that way but I have a lot of planning to do for that to happen. I am starting now in finding out how I can do this without ruining everything.

I think the problem with me is, I never say no. When I say no to anything with him, he gets cross and maybe frustrated. I hate arguing and confrontation.

But now is the time to think of myself a bit more and the more I am in a better place, it has to be better for the children, right?

Don't give him the money. He'll just have to deal with being told no and stop giving him access to your bank details. Change your passwords.

If doing the above fills you with dread then you're in an abusive relationship. You can contact a domestic abuse organisation and they can support you to leave.

You might have to sell the house if you can't afford to take it on yourself. You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women. Gingerbread have a good helpline for questions about life as a single parent including benefits.

You can apply for CMS.

If I do leave, the only big regret is not being there with his family. They are lovely. My family are very quickly getting less and less or don't live close by. But his family aren't in my life day to day...so I will have to just deal with that.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

Controlling you, getting angry if you say NO is the definition of abuse.

He can sense you are unhappy and his response is demand any money you have so that you remain stuck.

He's not stupid.
Talk to Women's aid.
He has ground you down and is determined that you are going nowhere.

Sex several times a week?
Do you want sex several times a week?
Or do you feel pressured to do so?

If you do,..... because of his anger if you say No.....that is coercive control and rape.

This is a crime.
Believe me that would absolutely fxck up your mental health, big time.

You need to have a 100% honest chat with Women's aid.

They can help you make sense of what is going on.

Do not give him the money.

He isn't raping me, far from it. I have been trying to get the love that I need in the only way I can try and get it. But it isn't working. It is just sex with no passion. I have been trying to work on getting the love/romance out of him but have failed.

Maybe he is frustrated with me, but to be honest, his attitude has helped put me in this position. He doesn't seem at all willing to work on the relationship at all.

He moans at me every single day. Maybe a clean break will be good for the both of us. Maybe we aren't suited to each other any more but the time we have spent together have caused it difficult to leave and also commitments like children etc.

Well I am really glad about that.
However, he is abusing you by controlling you.
Removing any savings so you are stuck is coercive control and financial abuse.
Talk to Women's aid.
You deserve so much better than this .

I don't think he is doing that either, my issue is that if I do give him money, I will be stuck here when I don't really want to be. I understand I can't move out straight away as I have nowhere to go and at the moment not enough savings to buy everything I need.

Is there any chance he would move out with some equitable financial arrangement?

OP isn't working either teensge dc. First thing if you want to leave would surely be to get some form of employment as savings won't last forever.

I feel like I resemble your husband in this scenario.

So you guys have children. You started out young and you've been together for 20 years.

Honestly I think you should look at the bigger picture. Do you want to leave him because he's not affectionate or is there something else that is driving it?

I imagine you are in your 40's?

This is the opposite for my husband and I, and we have a special needs child. I'm 40 years old and and the end of the day, I'm exhausted. Whereas we had a phenomenal sex life for about 7 years..now with our son I have little to no interest in sex. I dont want to snuggle or be touched because I get that from my kid all day every day. I also have 50 things to do and sex is not on my priority list. It took a few years for my husband to understand that we are now in another chapter in our lives and that's just where we are right now. We still have sex..just not where it used to be.

Now being your kids are older..its a little different. But you guys are in a different time in your life. Libido gets lower to non existent. Have you tried talking to him? Maybe go on a date? Someone once told me even though your married, you need to continue to date each other. You need to rekindle that spark. It takes effort, many married couples will tell you they have to fall back in love with each other a few times..and that's making a marriage work. Especially with a guy who is involved with the kids and supports the family financially.