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Original poster

I need help with my current long term relationship

28 replies

anewlifeforme · 13/01/2025 11:06

Hi all.

I am after some advice. I have been in a long term relationship for quite a few years now, we have been living together for over 20 years and I am now contemplating my options.

It started off as a great relationship, we were young, early 20s and we did everything together. I know that as time goes by that changes naturally but this is going from one extreme to another.

There are a few challenges we have, I think both of us have high stress levels as we have children and one of them have additional needs. There are other things in the equation that I don't want to mention in case he does read this that would affect his and my stress levels.

But the romance isn't there any more, sex happens a couple of times a week but after a couple of drinks (we are NOT alcoholics by any means but there is no kissing or passion. He almost hides when I try and kiss him. He doesn't kiss me or cuddle me. I try to kiss and cuddle him but it seems forced on his part.

I need more in this relationship.

He is quite a negative person and I think that my mental health issues is because of him. It is also because of other things like bereavement, a child with additional needs and such (again need to be vague).

I don't have much family left, none nearby and I will be the one to move out of the house if I decide to do this. The children will decide where they want to go, I can certainly see at least one of them staying put.

We are not married.

So I have some savings, but he is asking for some money but if I give him that money, I am not financially stable enough to make the decision to end it and move out. What on earth do I say to him when he asks for money.

I am not 100% certain if I want to move out and end it there and then as there are certain things that are tying me to the relationship and this house, kids being one of them and I currently don't work. My mental health and children stop this from happening. But I can't seem to sort my mental health out the way I am now but I want to be financially secure so I am not tied down and I don't want my mental health to get worse and get to the point that I am at breaking point and can't go anywhere.

Thanks in advance for reading this. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
anewlifeforme · 15/01/2025 06:21

Kiyentai · 15/01/2025 06:01

I feel like I resemble your husband in this scenario.

So you guys have children. You started out young and you've been together for 20 years.

Honestly I think you should look at the bigger picture. Do you want to leave him because he's not affectionate or is there something else that is driving it?

I imagine you are in your 40's?

This is the opposite for my husband and I, and we have a special needs child. I'm 40 years old and and the end of the day, I'm exhausted. Whereas we had a phenomenal sex life for about 7 years..now with our son I have little to no interest in sex. I dont want to snuggle or be touched because I get that from my kid all day every day. I also have 50 things to do and sex is not on my priority list. It took a few years for my husband to understand that we are now in another chapter in our lives and that's just where we are right now. We still have sex..just not where it used to be.

Now being your kids are older..its a little different. But you guys are in a different time in your life. Libido gets lower to non existent. Have you tried talking to him? Maybe go on a date? Someone once told me even though your married, you need to continue to date each other. You need to rekindle that spark. It takes effort, many married couples will tell you they have to fall back in love with each other a few times..and that's making a marriage work. Especially with a guy who is involved with the kids and supports the family financially.

It isn't about the sex, it is about feeling loved. He shows me no love. I am questioning whether the break will be good for the both of us.

There are a few things that are not right but I can't put these here in case he reads this post and it will be obvious that it is me that is posting them. I am starting to deal with/work out a lot of things right now. Getting my life as it should be and then I will assess where I stand with the relationship. I need to find out how far I can go in terms of doing it on my own.

I just need to not cause a big bust up in the meantime. I do have some respect for him, he isn't all bad.

I think this process will take some time and I am still not sure which way to go. Being together for 20 years is a long time, things have been going wrong for many years.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/01/2025 06:44

He shows you no love.
He wants/needs to know every detail of your life.
He gets angry when you say no.
He is negative all the time.
It is no way to live.
The money he is ‘asking’ for is for non-essentials so it’s not worth essential to give it to him.
He knows you have far less than him, and he will also know by him having this money will ruin any chance of you leaving.
Speak to Women’s Aid.

category12 · 15/01/2025 06:44

20 years is a long time, but that's gone and done with.

How do you want to spend the next 20 years? That's the important question.

Don't give him the money for "non-essential" things - use it to get out if you're unhappy.

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