Partner wouldn't make me a hot water bottle ...

[iwantamilluin]

We have been together 5 years and both female (so you think she would understand)
Lying in bed tonight and I have really really painful period cramps (I have endometriosis) I had taken some painkillers but wouldn't ease it.
I asked her would she make me a hot water bottle.
She said "you make your own,I'm in bed now too "
I told her I was in too much pain but it was okay.
I have been lying here for 15 mins clearly in agony and she's just watching television.
Last week she had a cold
I was making her lemsip,running her a bath etc

Was I asking too much ?
I've just filled it up with hot tap water which is better than nothing.
I'm honestly in agony and we have 2 dogs so if I go downstairs they will be jumping all over and I just can't be bothered

I'm sorry that you have to do it all for yourself.
I had to too, when I lived alone.
Fending for yourself can be a big challenge, depending on the severity of a problem.
However, the issue can become much worse, if you are living with a person who claims to love you and happily sharers the good times, but sadly in difficult times are not willing to put in the same love and care that you do.
Yes of course you can do it for yourself whether alone or in a relationship, but how lovely is it when you get told, "rest up, I'll fetch you a hot water bottle, and see if that comforts you".... all said with a genuine smile and concern.

Your not begging for sympathy, you just would like to feel the same from your partner in life, as you give out.

Surely that shouldn't be an "effort"?

Even if I'm not so good myself, if I thought I could help anyone I loved, I would.
If I was in too much pain myself, they wouldn't expect me to, and we would somehow get through the troubles together....

I despair....

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable based on what you have said, and there's no other underlying issue that would stop your partner from being their usual thoughtful self, if that's the case.

Maybe you both need to chat on a different day, and discuss how you each feel about mutually helping.

Good for you. You’re alone and not in a partnership.

Having a partner means team work. If your partner isn’t well then it’s your job to step up. Going and filling a water bottle is hardly stepping up either.

OP shouldn't have a partner that treats her kindly because YOU are single? What an interesting batshit comment.

I have zero time for selfish partners. She would be an ex, now, and likely a long time ago as I doubt she’s just suddenly turned selfish. Yeah it’s a bit of a pita to get up out of bed when you’re cosy, but come on. You just do it if you love or care about or cherish the other person at all, surely? She doesn’t.

That’s lovely. A real keeper.

Ah, right! Didn't realise that's how it works. Next time my DH is in agony with his hip and leg, I'll just let him be. After all, he'd have to do it alone if he was single. Next time he offers to run me a bath or take the DC out while I nap, I'll tell him not to bother. You can do it alone so we should, too. Fuck partnership.

Thank you so much. I feel enlightened.

Why are you with a partner who is so nasty?

This isn’t an AIBU poll - it’s not hard to understand that if anyone is in pain, esp your partner you should help them!
What makes the situation of the op worse is she had to ask her partner, who flatly refused and was watching tv!

Me and my partner get like this sometimes with each other. It's usually when resentment has built up that we have to talk about. Usually we're much kinder to each other once we've been open about what's actually bothering us. It's usually housework or child care related and makes us feel like not doing things for each other because we already feel like we're doing too much.

So because you live alone anyone who doesn't shouldn't feel upset their partner doesn't demonstrate love and care?

Your mistake was assuming because she is a she, that 'she' would understand.
That's quite misogynistic in it's own way.
You've been together 5 years - have your periods been this bad previously? If so, has she filled a bottle/cared for you previously? Or does she do this every time? And if yes to the latter, why do you stay with someone who 'doesn't care'?
Alterrnatively, if this is a new departure for you,vshe may not understand why now.
Or if she doesn't get painful periods, why should she automatically understand?

Thats pretty crap, OP. Once you're feeling a bit better, how about sitting down with her and telling her how this made you feel? That might open her eyes a bit. It's hard to have that conversation when you're in so much pain, though, so I'd leave it a bit. I used to get pretty bad period pain, not endometriosis but bad enough that I'd throw up etc, and my partner was pretty sympathetic. I remember some nights waking him up and asking if he could run upstairs and get me some paracetamol. He did, no questions asked. Also a heated cushion is a great alternative to a hot water bottle, I'd highly recommend! Take care of yourself

Partners who live together should look after each other, where possible, when one of them is ill. I'd question how much she cares about you if she wasn't prepared to do that small thing to help you.

For future reference, the best cure I know for stomach cramping is a small tot of brandy. I didn't discover this until my 40s, and wish I'd known twenty years earlier. It sorts it in a few minutes, it's wonderful.

This is a really odd reply and doesn't even make sense in relation to the OP’s situation. Sounds like you resent living alone.

I’d be upset too OP as it’s these little shows of love that keep people together and happy. When you stop with the small gestures it can really cause a relationship to fail, it chips away at your feelings. I would be seriously questioning my relationship if i were you. I could not imagine responding the way your partner did to this simple request.

@HeddaGarbled endometriosis isn't just period pain cramping, it is comparable to labour pain or more than that plus it can eat away at your kidneys as well as the usual bowel, bladder, ovaries and of course the lesser known lung collapse which can kill you and has killed someone whose lung collapsed over 50 times from thoracic endo. People have had stomas fitted for endo but sure, drama llama for asking for a hot water bottle. It shouldn't matter if she has asked her partner to go downstairs every night this week if she is in pain tonight then she should go fill her a hot water bottle. Especially considering she ran her a bath and provided her with lemsip when she had a cold and there is no comparison to the suffering.

@iwantamilluin When someone shows you who they are, pay attention. Maybe think about this in a wider context of how they treat you generally and whether it feels one sided re care and compassion. A loving partner would not sit next to the person they are meant to love knowing they are in pain and could help them and just doesn't. It is cruel and unloving.

I also have endo so you have my sympathies. I use a TENs machine which may help you too and a plug in heat pad so no weight to it and it doesn't lose heat. These may help you.

Also please go to the GP and ask for stronger pain meds if what you have isn't cutting it or different ones if those are strong and are not working. Do not live in pain like this if you can help it.

.

That's definitely not what misogyny is.

On the surface I'd agree with most PP that it wasn't kind for her not to get it for you - but just to offer a different perspective - if she's tired too and perhaps sorted the meal and washed up as you were in pain and had gone to bed, then you wait until she is actually in bed and feeling relaxed herself and relieved to be finally in bed, then I can see how she might feel that she doesn't now want to get out of bed again - and a bit frustrated you waited until after she was in bed before asking.

I'm just saying this as you said how upset it made you feel and I generally find if I can see it from the other persons POV it makes me feel less upset.

I agree with a pp who said it depends how much you ask for or receive service like this from her and what else is going on.

I think she was callous and uncaring.

When your loved one is ill, you want to fuss over them and do what you can to help ease any suffering even if you are feeling tired yourself.

You are compassionate, she isn't and it looks like a sign of her not having deep feelings for you.

Perhaps you're in a rut and the romance and affection has died or perhaps that is just how she is, but either way the relationship is not for someone like you who is warm and loving.

Time to call it a day.

You we're in so much pain you couldn't get up and make yourself a hot water bottle yet you could still lay in bed typing a post bitching about her on here? Ok then.

What a totally irrelevant comment!

The op DOES have a partner and in a relationship when one person is unwell, the other partner should be helping them.

Too many despicable posts like this on this site. Kick a woman while she’s down. Delightful.

That's a whole different scenario. Partners are meant to look after each other

If I woke my husband, at any time, he would do whatever I asked, even if it involved driving to the supermarket in the middle of the night.
LTB