Cutting contact with my toxic mother…what about the grandkids

[Happymumma87]

Hi there

after some advice and wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation….

I’ve always had a tough relationship with my mother. She is an extremely cold person, completely emotionally detached, emotionally immature, was never there for support, never received any love from her. judged me through out most of my life….I often wonder why she had children…

i moved away with my partner when my 1st child was a baby…she had only seen her a handful of times…again no support. Seeing her grandchildren is very much on her terms, when it suits her…she has never helped with childcare…apart from one afternoon when my eldest reported that she shouted at them lots and when I picked them up she hot, flustered, stressed! My children aren’t naughty...apparently they were running around in a safe park area and she didn’t like it

anyway the final straw was her insulting my child…who is currently on pathway for autism…my mum has some pretty out there opinions and she made some very insensitive and un empathetic comments towards her…

I’ve tried to talk to her to resolve…however mum being mum can’t accept, acknowledge let alone apologise for what she said…in fact she completely deflected and tried to play victim…gosh writing this is making mad 😂

anyway enough is enough…I have cut contact with her and do not intend to have a relationship with her…

since this she’s been asking for FaceTime with my eldest…which I haven’t denied but honestly she asks what feels like all time now…where as before she wouldn’t be interested if she hadn’t spoken to them in months

Receiving any sort of communication sends my anixety through the roof…today she had asked to FaceTime the kids…I was out at time and then I started to feel unwell worrying that they needed to FaceTime her, when it wasn’t convenient…I know she’ll pull the im stopping her from seeing/speaking to grandkids card….

sorry really long msg…what are peoples opinions and thoughts on her maintaining a relationship with her grandkids and best way to do this

Good grandparents are wonderful. Your mother is clearly not in that camp and you need to ask yourself what they are getting from the relationship they have with her, because it doesn't sound at all positive.

You can't go NC and maintain a relationship between her and them. You just can't and given what you've described of her behaviour, you shouldn't try. She damaged you and will damage them.

If she is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the SAME deal for your kids too. Keep them away from your abusive mother. She will harm them in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed. Block all her methods of she being able to contact any of you.

They need emotionally healthy grandparents and your mother does not fit the bill. She has no automatic rights of access to your kids anyway.

If she was to send gifts going forward do not acknowledge these but take these items instead to a charity shop. What she wants from you here is a response so do not give it to her .

If she is that toxic she shouldn't be near your children.
Thats it.
She distresses you.
You have enough going on.

Your mum shouts at your kids, insults them, has no understanding or interest in understanding your child's ASD. She was a distant and damaging parent to you.

She's not a good granny and will undermine their self-esteem like she did to you.

I don't know why you're even considering facilitating contact?

You cut her off for a bloody good reason. Why would you want your children to be exposed to someone like that? Especially when you know deep down that she suddenly has an interest in the kids to get at you.

Block her.

@AllIWannaDoo I did think that. But my dad has had recent health issues and I would be worried to block…also last time I tried to confront them and declined them coming up…they just came up anyway. They’re very forceful…so I would fear even more that they were just going to turn up unannounced. I eventually backed down becuase my mum wouldn’t

@category12 Only becuase my truly believes that she has not done anything wrong and has played victim card when I have tried to approach her to talk about it…I can just hear the conversation with other people my daughter has been horrible to me and said horrible things and now she won’t talk to me and has stopped me seeing kids etc…I know I shouldn’t care

Well, she'll say anything. But what matters is keeping your kids emotionally safe from her.

So she'll badmouth you. So what?

Better that than your kids later ask you why you didn't protect them better.

If she's too toxic for you then she is ten times more unsuitable to be in the lives of your children.

@category12 So my children are 8 and 5 (5 yr old possible asd?) and I’m unsure if I should tell them why their not seeing them…they ask when we are going to visit and atm I’ve just being saying I don’t know…but how long do I keep that up for. I feel they’re too young to understand what’s going on and I want to shield them from my pain.

We’re NC with FIL. If we don’t want to be around him, why would we let our kids be? If he can’t be civil to his grandchildren’s parents (ie, his own child), why would we send the kids round? Plus it absolutely enrages him even more so we get more steadfast in our decision every time he flares up about it.

Have you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? its worth a read if you haven't already.

@category12 what should I say to my mum when she requests all this FaceTime? Should I be honest and say no and why…I’d be wasting my breath…do I just ignore

If you’ve cut contact with her (which you say you have in your OP), then you can’t answer her calls. You have to stick to your own boundaries, otherwise you can’t expect anyone else to respect them.

@Hants123 No I might look in to that as it might offer me a bit of Therapy

You said you're cutting contact and no longer having a relationship with her?

So yes, you ignore her, block her, don't give her contact with your kids.

@category12 I haven’t specifically said I’m cutting contact…I don’t feel I need to do this. I’ve said we can’t resolve this. But I haven’t blocked her and this is why I get FaceTime requests with the kids

Just ghost her for the immediate moment. You might find that if you just dont answer, she may stop asking/pushing. Then when you have some breathing room you can read the book that was just recommended.
If your dc are asking when they are going to see their Gparents, just say not this week, and change the subject. They are little and will move on

You said in your op that you're cutting contact?

Just because you get the requests doesn't mean you have to answer them.

You don't have to make an announcement about it, but if you're doing low contact/no contact yourself, it makes no sense to allow contact with your children.

Do your DC want to facetime with her? Do your DC have another parent who can facilitate contact if they want to see her?( I'm not saying this should happen, just wondering)

anyway the final straw was her insulting my child…who is currently on pathway for autism…my mum has some pretty out there opinions and she made some very insensitive and un empathetic comments towards her…

why would you want to expose your child to her? What if one day she says such stuff to your child?

@SnarkSideOfLife I don’t want to…I’m just unsure how I play this…

and also I wanted some reassurance that I wasn’t doing the wrong thing stopping her having contact with kids as well

@ForAzureSeal last time they did a FaceTime I gave my daughter the phone and then got in the shower so I wasn’t available. I’m with my children’s father…his stance is that he supports me but doesn’t want to get in middle of it…he dislikes my parents…i don’t think he would want to facilitate a FaceTime call with them

@category12 yes your so right…I will just ignore…