Cutting contact with my toxic mother…what about the grandkids

[Happymumma87]

Hi there

after some advice and wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation….

I’ve always had a tough relationship with my mother. She is an extremely cold person, completely emotionally detached, emotionally immature, was never there for support, never received any love from her. judged me through out most of my life….I often wonder why she had children…

i moved away with my partner when my 1st child was a baby…she had only seen her a handful of times…again no support. Seeing her grandchildren is very much on her terms, when it suits her…she has never helped with childcare…apart from one afternoon when my eldest reported that she shouted at them lots and when I picked them up she hot, flustered, stressed! My children aren’t naughty...apparently they were running around in a safe park area and she didn’t like it

anyway the final straw was her insulting my child…who is currently on pathway for autism…my mum has some pretty out there opinions and she made some very insensitive and un empathetic comments towards her…

I’ve tried to talk to her to resolve…however mum being mum can’t accept, acknowledge let alone apologise for what she said…in fact she completely deflected and tried to play victim…gosh writing this is making mad 😂

anyway enough is enough…I have cut contact with her and do not intend to have a relationship with her…

since this she’s been asking for FaceTime with my eldest…which I haven’t denied but honestly she asks what feels like all time now…where as before she wouldn’t be interested if she hadn’t spoken to them in months

Receiving any sort of communication sends my anixety through the roof…today she had asked to FaceTime the kids…I was out at time and then I started to feel unwell worrying that they needed to FaceTime her, when it wasn’t convenient…I know she’ll pull the im stopping her from seeing/speaking to grandkids card….

sorry really long msg…what are peoples opinions and thoughts on her maintaining a relationship with her grandkids and best way to do this

Sounds like it could well be the right thing to protect them from her.

@SeaToSki thank you…that’s really great advice and I’ve also just brought the book off Amazon 😂

Is your mother a narcissist? If so be aware that any tiny length of string you give her will be pulled at and pulled at until you unravel and end up right back where you started. You could consider something like ‘controlled contact’ between her and your children which is exactly how it sounds - you tell her how long she can FaceTime with your child and for how long. I’d also hang around for at least the first few (just be in the next room doing dishes or something that keeps you in close proximity) to ensure your mother doesn’t try the old ‘your mother is keeping me away from you, isn’t she horrible’ trick.
if you think your mum may be a narcissist maybe try listening to ‘you’re not crazy - it’s your mother’ by Dani Moriggan. It’s on audible. It was an eye opener for me, I don’t use the therapy she talked about as found it a bit hard to detach and not see that as a bit silly but it did make a lot of sense to me and really made me realise some things about our relationship.

Edit to the above post. Author is Danu Moriggan. Silly autocorrect!

I tried for a while as I thought it was the right thing to do, until there was a lot of "don't tell your mum" and blatant slagging me off to them. They would come home in a right mood with me because of whatever she had said to them.

As old teens now, they do occasionally throw at me that they don't have grandparents because of me, but generally they agree. They only know a small percentage of what I went through, but other things like attitudes towards education and racism/bigotry were enough to make them see it wasn't healthy.

I'd rather feel a bit guilty about them not having a grandparent relationship, than have grow up with all that being fed to them.

Your dad chose a side -hers. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all so need a willing enabler to help them, this person bring your dad. He’s also failed you as a parent.

Keep all explanations short and to the point re the kids. They won’t talk about your parents that often particularly if you do not keep on bringing it up. If your parents show up at your house unannounced do not let them in. NC is precisely that - no contact.