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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He Lied About The Reason For His Divorce

32 replies

Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 14:14

My relationship is broken. I'll say that straight away and I plan to leave my husband after a financial matter is settled later this year. I am in a long marriage with dc. Husband has been married once before. Over the past couple of years he has become increasingly emotionally abusive - name calling, gas lighting, sarcastic, manipulative and attempting to weaponise my dc. None of this I saw for many, many years and isn't behaviour I would have recognised at the outset - stable, loyal, honest. I see now I was vulnerable when I got married. I had my part to play.

Sorting through some paperwork recently, I stumbled upon his divorce paperwork, shoved at the back of a filing cabinet. I'd briefly seen the paperwork before but hadn't taken much notice. This time something told me to flick through and take a closer look.

It turns out his ex-wife was divorcing him for adultery not the other way around. He had constructed a story whereby he was the victim and I fell for every word of it and felt sorry for his predicament.

I am struggling to make sense of it. Essentially, my relationship was built on a lie. What is worse, he is adamant he doesn't like being lied to and relays this often to the dc. I don't want to tackle him about it. I want to leave. In the great scheme of things, it could be deemed as having happened before meeting me but am I right in thinking this is hugely manipulative? I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't have read it in black and white. I feel completely blindsided. I showed a friend who confirmed I had read it right. I'm now only starting to process it but struggling. We had many happy years and I'm struggling to put this into perspective. Anyone experienced anything similar?

OP posts:
Joelle84 · 12/01/2025 14:28

No i dont have experience. Im sorry this is happening to you. Practically, i can suggest getting those ducks in a row behind the scenes. Speak to a solicitor, gather as much info as possible. Its going to be hard to put on an act but keep it going until you tell him the news.

JohnofWessex · 12/01/2025 14:32

When I got divorced which was before the current system, my Solicitor said that the party requesting a divorce could allege what they wanted and unless the allegations vould affect the financial settlement there was no point in contesting it.

If my ex had accused me of adultery - no I hadnt, then no point in saying no I didnt just get on with it

Lavenderandbrown · 12/01/2025 14:37

Yes I recognize this behavior Sometimes I think the people who say “hate a liar” are liars themselves and thus suspect everyone of lying including DC. This marriage is over. Proceed quietly with stealth if need be and be decisive. It was built up on a lie.. he wanted to be the good guy not the cheater and that is the mask he presented to you. Now very important op…listen very carefully to any divorce / past relationship stories any one you date tells you because I guarantee these same behaviors will appear in your relationship. Always clock the given reasons a relationship ended

Hotflushesandchilblains · 12/01/2025 14:45

Liars often talk about honesty - of course they would think about it a lot because they know how much they lie themselves. Also more likely to accuse other people of lying.

Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 15:12

When I got divorced which was before the current system, my Solicitor said that the party requesting a divorce could allege what they wanted and unless the allegations vould affect the financial settlement there was no point in contesting it.
If my ex had accused me of adultery - no I hadnt, then no point in saying no I didnt just get on with it

He doesn't like taking the blame for anything though. I can't see he would have gone ahead with it. Also isn't it a legal document. There was the 'differences' clause surely for a no blame kind of thing. I've gone over this in my head just in case but it doesn't seem to make sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 15:17

Yes I recognize this behavior Sometimes I think the people who say “hate a liar” are liars themselves and thus suspect everyone of lying including DC. This marriage is over. Proceed quietly with stealth if need be and be decisive. It was built up on a lie.. he wanted to be the good guy not the cheater and that is the mask he presented to you. Now very important op…listen very carefully to any divorce / past relationship stories any one you date tells you because I guarantee these same behaviors will appear in your relationship. Always clock the given reasons a relationship ended

Thank you for this advice. How on earth would I believe anything a man says now in relation to a new relationship?

Even if he was the cheater, if he had given me the chance and talked about it openly, it might not have been a no go. At least there would have been honesty. But to twist it completely around? Why not just say they drifted apart. She may well have had an affair partner too. That bit could have been true.

It was a mask. It feels like he has kept himself concealed behind this mask which is now coming very much into the light. Avoidant. I grew up with avoidants who were abusive there are a lot of behaviours I would have recognised but not seen as unacceptable such as the avoidance. But there was no sign of the abuse - nothing obvious at any rate.

OP posts:
Frostine · 12/01/2025 15:21

Not quite the same but happened to me as well .
My dh divorced me by saying the marriage had broken down and it was unreasonable to be expected to live with me due to my involvement with other men !
I had never been " involved " with other men and wanted to contest it .
I was ok with the divorce as we'd grown apart , but the reason was laughable .
In the end I didn't contest it , but it still niggles years later .
You've found out he's a liar but your divorcing anyway , let it go and be glad he will soon be out of your life .

Browniesandcustard · 12/01/2025 16:01

I totally understand where you are coming from. I’m almost finished with my second divorce. STBEX knew when we met that my previous ex had had a number of affairs, it wasn’t until we were married (me to No 2) that he casually dropped into conversation that he’d had an affair when he was with his daughter’s mum. Oh and it turns out that he had had an affair when he was his previous wife (similar in that I saw this on his divorce papers later on) . I’m divorcing him because I discovered he was having an affair - who would have thought it!
Keep your chin up and remember that it’s him that’s the problem and not you.

Twodogsisbetterthanone · 12/01/2025 16:25

People 100% do just accept what is written in the divorce to get it over and done with. I have done it myself, as has my husband with his ex wife.

Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 16:54

People 100% do just accept what is written in the divorce to get it over and done with. I have done it myself, as has my husband with his ex wife.

I can see how this might come about - to just get it over and done with. She was the one accused of having an affair and she had instigated the divorce. I guess I'm never going to know but it doesn't feel right, knowing he is reluctant to take the blame for anything. Why wouldn't he have just said she accused me of having an affair or something like that. Also, he made out that she just left the home and dc - I suspect she might have left to get away from the toxicity as he has become very unpleasant to live with now he knows our relationship is unlikely to survive (I know it will not).

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 16:56

Fortunately, there is now the no blame divorce. I will never know the truth of it and because of other events don't really want to discuss it and work things out. So, I will never know the truth.

OP posts:
Pamelaaaaarrr · 12/01/2025 17:06

You're already leaving him, what difference does it make? Just move on.

MeAndBoqDrivesmemad · 12/01/2025 17:10

My ex husband told me his divorce was due to his wife cheating. I found out at the end of our marriage that she had divorced him for emotional abuse. I was very upset at the time because he’d been progressively emotionally abusive to me blaming it on me.

I felt the same way you do. I wont date a divorced man again and I think a lot of men conceal their true nature.

Billydavey · 12/01/2025 17:23

JohnofWessex · 12/01/2025 14:32

When I got divorced which was before the current system, my Solicitor said that the party requesting a divorce could allege what they wanted and unless the allegations vould affect the financial settlement there was no point in contesting it.

If my ex had accused me of adultery - no I hadnt, then no point in saying no I didnt just get on with it

This

of course it’s mumsnet so the majority will be more than happy to assume he’s a cheating arse and a liar, but in reality the reason on the paperwork often bears little resemblance to the reality.

respondents are often advised to just let it go, the petitioner can all edge what they like and it doesn’t matter and would just be a pain to “set the record straight”. In my case, my wife cheated but had I tried to get that down in black and white it would have been so much hassle I didn’t bother.

Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 17:28

Pam, I can see your point of view and I've told myself this - just move on but I am trying to make sense of things. It was a complete shock especially in connection to someone who doesn't like lies and makes it a big thing.

MeandBoq Sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation. He is angling to make it out that I am too blame. I am too moody, taken against him. He has called me stupid and paranoid in front of the dc. He has attempted to befriend eldest dc who is late teens. Previously, he has threatened to cut off finances (he can't now, our (and my) financial situation has changed) should I ever leave and tell the authorities I can't cope with dc (I had pnd years ago but he would be laughed out now).

OP posts:
FloralCrown · 12/01/2025 17:33

Practically every man who tells the tale of the "crazy ex wife/gf" is actually a man who made that woman "crazy" with his lying/gaslighting/cheating/abuse.

Most often what they're accusing their ex of is what they're doing themselves:

Men who say their ex spends all his hard earned money on fags/booze/partying usually pay naff-all child support, or the CMS minimum payment, so they themselves have more money for adult activities.

Men who say their ex alienated the DC from him, usually don't want 50/50, or cancel their contact time in favour of holidays/seeing their mates/going to football.

Not ALL men, but men.

So yes, OP, LOTS of women have realised in a relationship that their partner is not actually who they claimed to be. You are not alone.

Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 17:33

In my case, my wife cheated but had I tried to get that down in black and white it would have been so much hassle I didn’t bother.

Yes. So why bother putting it down then in the first place. You can flip this around. Why did she bother to do this and instead go for a more neutral reason, particularly if she had been the one having the affair. She could have also thrown her hands up in the air and admitted it was her just to get it over with if there were other reasons like grown apart.

Thanks everyone, it is a relief to be able to talk about it. Sooner or later, I will have to leave it alone but at the moment I am still at the stage of trying to make sense of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 17:36

Floralcrown Thank you. I am blaming myself of course for being so gullible.

Practically every man who tells the tale of the "crazy ex wife/gf" is actually a man who made that woman "crazy" with his lying/gaslighting/cheating/abuse.

I have a feeling this might be relevant unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontbelieveit56 · 12/01/2025 17:38

And it's scary how you don't see someone's true nature either. I was with my husband for several years before we got married. And I've never seen this side of him until the past few years.

OP posts:
Feelingstrange2 · 12/01/2025 17:43

Ignore any old stuff where you weren't involved - just let it go. Too much water has gone under the bridge and you'd never get to the bottom.of it.

With a long term relationship what matters is what's actually happened - to you and your family. That's the evidence you need to use to make your decisions.

Sassybooklover · 12/01/2025 17:45

The saying 'There are two sides to every story; with the truth being somewhere in the middle' springs to mind. He told you a narrative, that suited him regarding his divorce. He wouldn't be the first man to paint his ex-wife/partner as a terrible human, with him being the wonderful man who was wronged - of course in some cases it's absolutely true but as you're finding out, not in all cases. Honestly, if you are planning on ending your marriage, I wouldn't give it a second thought. You've realised what he's truly like, and what he was like in his previous marriage is now hardly surprising. My SIL was previously married and when her and her ex split, she found his previous divorce papers - turns out he left his ex-wife with the mortgage payments and 3 children, and just walked out! Not what he'd told her!! It certainly explained his exes attitude towards him!!

ARichtGoodDram · 12/01/2025 17:49

If you know his character then your feeling is probably right.

My ex held up his recent divorce - costing himself a lot of money - because he simply wouldn't have him committing adultery (which was accurate) on the divorce papers.

Whilst most people would just roll their eyes and get on with it to not cause a delay, there are definitely some people who absolutely would not accept them being named as the one committing adultery if it was in fact the opposite.

It's a small piece of your particular puzzle OP and you'll likely find more lies and anomalies in things after you leave.

Liars often are also the ones who bang on about hating lies the most.

mmmarmalade · 12/01/2025 18:02

Can you talk to the ex-wife if you want to consolidate your conviction about ending your marriage? Obviously you may not have this option and of course, you'd have to weigh up anything she said - I know it's a problematic way to go and the common sense advice will be, as it has been, to just get on with the divorce and not waste any emotional energy of trying to get to the truth of the story; it's your call.

tothelefttotheleft · 12/01/2025 18:31

MeAndBoqDrivesmemad · 12/01/2025 17:10

My ex husband told me his divorce was due to his wife cheating. I found out at the end of our marriage that she had divorced him for emotional abuse. I was very upset at the time because he’d been progressively emotionally abusive to me blaming it on me.

I felt the same way you do. I wont date a divorced man again and I think a lot of men conceal their true nature.

How does this work? Unless a man has never been out with someone he will
Have had past relationships and he can just easily lie about why those relationships ended.

MeAndBoqDrivesmemad · 12/01/2025 20:17

How does this work? Unless a man has never been out with someone he will
Have had past relationships and he can just easily lie about why those relationships ended.

I’m sure some men lie about that as well. But there’s a big difference between short term relationships and a long standing marriage with children. I don’t think any woman with young children takes the decision to divorce lightly.