Few days ago my husband had his friend over whilst I was at work (on night shift).
Later on, I requested to my husband that when he had guests over can he just make sure the place is a bit more presentable. As in, the clothes I left out to dry were put away (it’s embarrassing that his friend saw my underwears). And the iron was put away where it belongs. As the iron was too hot for me to put away and I had to leave for work. It was also in the middle of the living room.
His friend came after midnight and I know by that point the clothes and iron would have been fine to put away.
When I tried to explain this to my husband, he really took it bad. I quickly reassured him that I was not suggesting he doesn’t tidy up. Instead, he got frustrated.
I further added that I wasn’t asking him to clean the windows, deep clean the house or anything. Again, husband wasn’t getting it. Instead, things just escalated.
I tried to explain that in the past it’s happened when he’s had guests before so clearly there’s a pattern and I wanted to address it. Instead, he said he only wants to focus on this instance as the past is gone. I tried to highlight that it’s clearly something he’s either oblivious to and that’s why I thought we could talk about it. As last time his friend came over, there were shoes right in the middle of the living room which my husband didn’t think to pick up and put to side.
Other examples include:
- If lid falls on the floor, unless I pick it up, it’ll stay there
- If the flowers die, unless I throw them away, the vase will still have dead flowers
- When the clothes are washed, unless I fold them, they’ll stay in the utility room
And I’ve addressed this before that he doesn’t need to wait for me to do it or ask him to do it. He can use his own initiative. (I also work more hours than him)
Back to story: He said the house wasn’t messy. I did highlight that’s because I spend my days off and time before going to work nights (I do 12hr shifts) tidying up that’s why the place is clean and all I’m asking for is certain things for him to put away especially when having guests over.
That’s when things got worse. My husband got angry and said you are a tramp and last time why were the shoes in the middle of the living room? Now I know he’s trying to provoke me.
And he also told me he has been taking photos of my mess to prove that I am a tramp.
These photos he has been collecting for months. I did say he can show those photos to everyone I’m really not bothered. These photos show when I leave my clothes out for a day or two on weeks I’m working 72 hours. But the day I’m off, I have moved those clothes as well as HIS stuff I have tidied up. It’s also ironic that he has NO photos of the mess he makes. Nor has any photos of the amount of times I’ve cleaned up the place. Even till this day I find his mess (such as multiple cigarettes butts under the sofa) but I don’t take any photo.
Anyways going back, I asked him it was important to me especially because the culture (Asian) I’m from people usually associate how clean a place is with the woman. And I spend my time keeping the place clean. I said maybe it’s an insecurity I have. My husband said I don’t care and it’s your insecurity so your problem. I replied that I just would have wanted some support in this as I don’t believe I was asking for a lot. He just start shouting. I said let’s draw a line and if you don’t want to support me then don’t have same expectations from me.
He start shouting more and I just stopped responding. I’m at this point now (there’s a history of arguments and issues between us) where I think what is the point? He doesn’t respect me and never will. He always minimises what I do for the marriage. (His own family say I put in a lot of effort). I don’t ask him for money, I don’t ask him to buy me anything. I manage just fine. All I wanted from him was a loving partner who I bonded with and where we look after each other emotionally at least.
So I’ve just been keeping my distance and not talking much. Am I wrong?