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Original poster

I ended it so why am I so bothered that he is dating?

31 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 18:45

ExDP and I broke up in August. Didnt live together by mutual choice but together and committed for 5 years. It ended because he could be very thoughtless and selfish and wasnt at all sympathetic to my menopause leading to my libido falling off a cliff and became a sex pest. I was in the process of getting treatment for meno and needed time but he just didnt give it to me. I think we just came to the end of the road, it happens. We keep in touch and chat occassionally.

But I messaged him last night as a mutual friend made a surprise visit from abroad and I knew he would like to come down and see him. He was a bit short with me, but thought nothing of it. Then he messaged today to say he was sorry but he was on a first date which is why he couldnt talk.

Why the hell has it bothered me so much?! He was never particularly emotional, I know he cared about me, but I was never sure if he loved me he never really said it. So why has this hit me? I actually got quite upset earlier. I dont think it woudl work if we got back together, we split up once before and things changed for a while but he soon slipped back into his thoughtless ways. And he is a sulker which drove me mad. I dont get why I care so much that he is dating? The way I feel right now, I think I would be really upset if I saw him with someone else.

OP posts:
backwayentrance · 11/01/2025 18:47

But I messaged him last night as a mutual friend made a surprise visit from abroad and I knew he would like to come down and see him

your mutual friend should have messaged him.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 18:49

backwayentrance · 11/01/2025 18:47

But I messaged him last night as a mutual friend made a surprise visit from abroad and I knew he would like to come down and see him

your mutual friend should have messaged him.

They know each other through me, mutual friend asked after him and I said I would drop him a message. Normally would not have been an issue, and not really what my problem is.....

OP posts:
mummylove24 · 11/01/2025 18:49

Then you can’t keep in touch, you haven’t let go. It’s better to end all contact with him

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 18:51

mummylove24 · 11/01/2025 18:49

Then you can’t keep in touch, you haven’t let go. It’s better to end all contact with him

Yes, I have been thinking this. Sad though as we have managed to navigate it pretty well so far. But as you say, clearly I havent let go as I thought I had.

I have no interest in dating anyone.

OP posts:
backwayentrance · 11/01/2025 18:52

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 18:49

They know each other through me, mutual friend asked after him and I said I would drop him a message. Normally would not have been an issue, and not really what my problem is.....

Show quote history

they can’t have been that close if he didn’t have his number op

it is relevant because it indicates you were wanting to contact him for your own reasons and given how you describe him - best avoided

OurDreamLife · 11/01/2025 18:53

I think it’s probably just the initial reaction.
He can’t be expected to stay on his own forever though.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 18:56

backwayentrance · 11/01/2025 18:52

they can’t have been that close if he didn’t have his number op

it is relevant because it indicates you were wanting to contact him for your own reasons and given how you describe him - best avoided

Show quote history

No you are very wrong there. But you can think what you like.

OP posts:
OceanTurtle · 11/01/2025 18:57

Because you don’t want him but don’t want others to have him either?

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 18:58

OurDreamLife · 11/01/2025 18:53

I think it’s probably just the initial reaction.
He can’t be expected to stay on his own forever though.

I wouldnt expect him to, he is at liberty to see who he wants, when he wants, I wouldnt expect him to stay single until I can deal with him dating!

I am just really surprised at my reaction, I really didnt anticipate feeling like this, its blindsided me a bit.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 11/01/2025 18:58

I think you will feel better in a day or two. I have reacted similarly after break ups. I think for me, after the feelings are gone and despite knowing in my head that it is over, there is still a little spark of hope that remains that maybe somehow, someday things will be different. Him starting dating stamps out that last little bit of hope and it stings for a little while. It is the finality of it, demonstrating that it is over for ever more. But it does pass in a day or two, as the feelings aren't actually there anymore.

backwayentrance · 11/01/2025 18:59

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 18:56

No you are very wrong there. But you can think what you like.

Show quote history

huh? ok

speakball · 11/01/2025 19:10

She’s not going to get a wonderful version of him. You weren’t unhappy because you were too needy. You were unhappy because you were giving your precious time to someone who didn’t cherish you.

Moody? Fragile man baby needs to be let go off and forgotten.

2025hello · 11/01/2025 19:11

What is the feeling? Regret, jealousy, or something else? Can you describe it

CheekyHobson · 11/01/2025 19:12

I think when we leave someone because they can't/don't/won't meet our expectations of good treatment, even if we logically know that's a 'them thing', there can also be an underlying fear that the reason they didn't make the effort is that there was something 'not enough' about us.

When they start dating someone else, it triggers a subconscious feeling that with a different partner, they might be a different man. And then that generates anxiety about ourselves and our value, and because we have absolutely no insight into their new relationship and how they're behaving in it, there's no certainty what's true.

It will pass, just keep focusing on the reasons the relationship wasn't good enough for you to stay in.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2025 19:18

Your hope, however deeply buried, for any reconciliation has been squashed. 💐

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 19:19

2025hello · 11/01/2025 19:11

What is the feeling? Regret, jealousy, or something else? Can you describe it

Jealousy! And even if he wanted to get back together, I dont see that it would be any different as we are fundementally different. He is Mr Comfort Zone and I like a bit of adventure, trying different things. Things like going out, he would always want to go to the same place, his local, and if I wanted to go somewhere else he would drive so we couldnt stay long. I got so fed up with it, so why am I jealous that he is seeing someone else? Makes no sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/01/2025 19:21

CheekyHobson · 11/01/2025 19:12

I think when we leave someone because they can't/don't/won't meet our expectations of good treatment, even if we logically know that's a 'them thing', there can also be an underlying fear that the reason they didn't make the effort is that there was something 'not enough' about us.

When they start dating someone else, it triggers a subconscious feeling that with a different partner, they might be a different man. And then that generates anxiety about ourselves and our value, and because we have absolutely no insight into their new relationship and how they're behaving in it, there's no certainty what's true.

It will pass, just keep focusing on the reasons the relationship wasn't good enough for you to stay in.

I think you may well be right. I think that you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

OP posts:
PromiseNotToCall · 11/01/2025 20:45

Sadly, he does not want to be with you. It's natural to feel sad because you have 'lost' something you invested in. Move on with your life because he has.

2025hello · 11/01/2025 20:55

PromiseNotToCall · 11/01/2025 20:45

Sadly, he does not want to be with you. It's natural to feel sad because you have 'lost' something you invested in. Move on with your life because he has.

But she left him?

Anyway, it's just a reaction and will pass. All new news tends to do that. We're only human and territorial but thankfully time deals with these things.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2025 20:56

Well you will all be thrilled to know that I made a complete fool of myself last night. Met an old mate over from america for a few drinks, and ex messaged so I called him and said that I didnt think it was good idea to keep in touch blah blah. Then he said about being friends and I cried. Proper wet snotty balling.

I blame the wine.

However, I feel better today and frankly a bit annoyed that he told me in the first place, I didnt need to know and he didnt need to tell me. Its none of my business! I wouldnt tell him if I was seeing someone.....but I suspect he wanted to brag a little, it would be very much like him to do that.

Ah well, a couple of days of cringing and I should be fine. More bothered about the drunk calling an ex than the issue I originally posted about so I guess that is a result!😅

And in anticipation of the bollocking, yes I have blocked him everywhere and deleted his number so I am not tempted to do it again!

OP posts:
Petra42 · 13/01/2025 06:25

@PyongyangKipperbang you probably just assumed he must be a changed man and that youve missed out on something good. I left my ex because he was abusive, and he immediately started dating. I remember sitting in a park crying with this weird feeling of missing the good parts of him/jealous that he'd met someone who he would be treating well. They are still together years later but I know he's also treated her badly so I wasn't wrong to leave. He has also made huge steps to change so i guess thats why they are still together now. I guess my point is your ex is that for a reason but natural to miss aspects of them, especially if you didn't end badly.

And also, given that you didn't end on a bad note, then that door also may never be shut. I say this as someone dating another ex!

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 13/01/2025 06:35

speakball · 11/01/2025 19:10

She’s not going to get a wonderful version of him. You weren’t unhappy because you were too needy. You were unhappy because you were giving your precious time to someone who didn’t cherish you.

Moody? Fragile man baby needs to be let go off and forgotten.

I agree. Sending you a hug, OP. Your feelings are natural, after five years of commitment, but he doesn’t deserve them. I hope you find happiness soon.

LovelyDaaling · 13/01/2025 07:14

I think you're upset because he's moving on already and although you ended the relationship, he doesn't seem to be suffering. It shows he wasn't so emotionally invested after all. He never will be so you did the right thing by ending it.

Be kind to yourself and find someone who will love you like you deserve.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/01/2025 00:12

LovelyDaaling · 13/01/2025 07:14

I think you're upset because he's moving on already and although you ended the relationship, he doesn't seem to be suffering. It shows he wasn't so emotionally invested after all. He never will be so you did the right thing by ending it.

Be kind to yourself and find someone who will love you like you deserve.

You're right in that he wasnt emotionally invested. I did always think that. I think I was convenient. The conversations he has had with me about exes, non of them are particularly about his loss, he doesnt seem to care even about the end of his marriage, he said that he married her as he was afraid of being alone. And he did make a big thing about how charming he is and how easy he could pull women.....which isnt true by the way. He can easily do a one night stand but he has had only two LTR, his marriage was one and I was the other.

I am so angry with myself for boosting his ego by being upset even though I finished it. I dont think he knows or cares what love is.

OP posts:
Peanutssuck · 14/01/2025 00:51

CheekyHobson · 11/01/2025 19:12

I think when we leave someone because they can't/don't/won't meet our expectations of good treatment, even if we logically know that's a 'them thing', there can also be an underlying fear that the reason they didn't make the effort is that there was something 'not enough' about us.

When they start dating someone else, it triggers a subconscious feeling that with a different partner, they might be a different man. And then that generates anxiety about ourselves and our value, and because we have absolutely no insight into their new relationship and how they're behaving in it, there's no certainty what's true.

It will pass, just keep focusing on the reasons the relationship wasn't good enough for you to stay in.

I totally agree, but would also add that eventually the new partner will see what you did. They will always slip back into their old ways.

I could have written your post though OP - just been through exactly the same thing. As well as jealousy, I was gutted because he didn't hang around - was only a matter of a few weeks before he was dating someone else. Not sure what the "etiquette" is in terms of time between relationships but I do know I felt that OUR relationship obviously hadn't meant as much to him as it had to me ...and THATS what hurt the most