WWYD?

[WWYD89]

Sorry for sparse details, I didn't want to go overboard on a public forum.

Background - with boyfriend for a little under two years, he's separated from ex(wife) for almost two and a half years. Knew him before he left, no crossover, but in hindsight likely too quick - maybe six/seven months between. There are three children 3, 6 and 9. There has been no engagement from ex with solicitors letters, discussion about house, finances, child schedule so all still as unresolved as Day 1. We've both met each others friends and family, but I've never met his children and they don't know about me. He wants to wait until divorce is final. Ex suspects I exist and has asked directly but he has never confirmed because he said it's not her business.

I've been patient over the last two years, and I'm trying to continue to be, but I'm feeling so frustrated that our relationship isn't progressing.
He spends the majority of time at my property, but doesn't contribute to any costs which bothers me but I haven't mentioned it. He now has his own rented accommodation, and continues to contribute half to the fmh and bills there as she would not discuss the fmh and future, so he's now very stretched financially. We live week to week with up in the air child arrangements, which are consistent each week but not suitable for a good relationship with their dad and he is the one who facilitates it all. At the beginning I think there was a lot of bad-mouthing and spitefulness from ex's side to the kids about their dad, and weeks would go by where he wasn't allowed to see them. This has caused a lot of problems with contact now. My boyfriend has tried to rebuild this bond and things are getting better, but in not forcing time with him, he has now made contact optional and the kids' choice. Sometimes they will not come 'just because' or 'don't feel like it' then be completely fine or willing the next time.

We've had discussion about the future, I am ready to think about buying property together but obviously can't until his circumstances change, and I've met kids and built a relationship with them. We've had disagreements on the future about more children and marriage. He is quite against it, although I think that is normal given what he is going through currently. When I try to raise that I think X, Y, Z is problematic and could he try A, B, C instead, he gets overwhelmed and tells me that kids and financials have nothing to do with me and that he will sort it out himself. I agree with this to some extent, but he also pursued me hugely and the outcome of his divorce affects me and our relationship.
I feel like I don't know a huge part of him in that he is a father, and I feel that he isn't considering my feelings or opinions, even though I've tried to explain that it affects my life too now.

It's becoming a huge elephant in the room in our relationship and I don't know what to do. I love him, so find the idea of leaving him heartbreaking, but I'm starting to get so frustrated and feel so stuck. I know that he loves me and our relationship is great outside of these issues. Do I remain patient and see how it goes or should I leave him to it?

Leave him to it. I'm not sure why you'd want to get involved with someone married with three kids who doesn't contribute and doesn't have any money.

Why would you buy a property with him? He’s still married to someone else, exploits you financially, doesn’t want to get married or have more children. Find someone else if you want marriage and a family.

Why did they split?

@username299 I didn't think it would still be stuck here two years later. He would contribute if I asked, I don't want to stretch him further.

@WhydontyouMove not happy, didn't love each other any more, felt like a dogs body for housework and felt like he was funding it all.

You got together far too soon after his split. He's still married, she's in the family home which he's contributing towards, no sign of divorce. Ditch and move on, he's using you and isn't serious. Sorry.

I'm going to be blunt. What you see is what you get. This is just how life with him is. There's no rosey future here. There's no new house and no new family for you here. Untangling the mess could take years but he doesn't want to untangle it. Time to wise up and put yourself first.

I think you've let this go on for too long to hope he'll change.

I mean...I think you've been too patient.

Dating for two years but not met his kids....

The ex sounds a nightmare if she's not allowing the financial or custody discussions progress. If she hasn't moved on after two years she's unlikely to change either.

Don't blight your life working round other people's messy broken marriage.

I think you want so much with this man who isn’t in any position to give it to you.

You’re almost 2 years down the line and he still hasn’t sorted anything by the sounds of it. His children should be his main priority, he should be working harder to arrange proper custody and spend quality time with them.

In all honesty he sounds lazy! He sounds like he wants an easy life so living the way he does now and maybe seeing his children each week works for him but it won’t work for you.

Sorry to say this as I know you’re invested in this relationship but right now I don’t see it going anywhere. He seems quite content with how things are but you want a marriage and children- a commitment from him and he isn’t in the position or interest to do that.

Please think about what you want for your future, put yourself first and ask if he can give you the life you really want? Don’t settle for less because it’s been almost 2 years because almost 2 years with someone else can look incredibly different.

Every day spent with him wishing and hoping that he will untangle himself from this situation to be in a position to prioritise you is another day that you are wasting, and preventing yourself finding the right person who is for you.

I'm sure he has good qualities, because otherwise why even bother. But he won't be the only man in the world with good qualities who you will get on with.

Work on addressing your own lack mindset and realise that you are holding yourself back from finding a relationship and life that will make you happy without exception.

He doesn't have time for you or a serious relationship. Cut your losses.

Agreed with everyone else. He will never —can never—get his act together financially with respect to forming a second family with you. He might move in and let you support him but he will never pay his fair share as nd his attention will always be half elsewhere. Are you willing to play second fiddle to his first family for the rest of your life?

The fact his ex doesn't even know about you after nearly 2 years is very telling.

the fact he is giving his 3 very young children a "choice" as to whether to stay with him is also telling....really?

he's spinning you lies and bullshit about pretty much everything about his life.

Dump and run. The best thing you've done is come on here so we can tell you what a shitshow it is and to get rid, before you go buying a house with this Prince amongst Men.

ETA if what you've posted is "sparse", heaven alone knows what the full details are!

@WWYD89

I've been in your situation and 20 years later we are happily married, with two kids of our own and grown up step kids.

But, there are some major differences to your situation.

My DH pushed the divorce through as quickly as possible (and was very generous in settlement) to ensure financial security for the kids and that he was no longer financially connected to the ex. That way he could start to rebuild his finances.

He set up a regular pattern of child access and would have gone back to court if she stopped for any reason. Despite her trying to manipulate the kids into hating him they never did and they still have a lovely relationship to this day.

I was very clear about having kids from the beginning and he was 100% on board with this. He's a wonderful dad as he's really taken time to think about what kind of father he wanted to be this time. All the kids get on and are referred to as brother/sister. No halfs.

If your partner doesn't want kids or marriage now, then walk away. You should never have to persuade someone to have children, it's just too risky. You're basically setting the kids up for a parent that doesn't really want them if it doesn't work out, which isn't fair on the child.

Trust me, this relationship isn't going to work out long term because the agreed foundations are not there. Save yourself the heartache and find someone on the same page as you.

We've had disagreements on the future about more children and marriage. He is quite against it, although I think that is normal given what he is going through currently

This jumped out at me, massively.

You don't want the same things.

It looks like you're hoping he'll be on the same page as you in future, that you're assuming he will be - and I think that's a mistake.

Take what he says at face value. Stop hearing what you want to hear.

He's saying no to kids and marriage.

Stop all this facilitating of his life and really think about if this is the future you want.

As he is against having more children, I think you are taking a huge risk by hoping he might change his mind.

Do not get pregnant, this is not your forever ever after.

He jumped too quickly into a new relationship after the marriage breakdown.

Interesting that they had a 6 month baby along with 2 other children when he left but he was fed up being used for doing all the housework

I really really really wouldn't believe everything or indeed anything he tells you about his ex.

Why on earth are you looking to get more deeply ensconced with someone like this who is in a mess and who uses you financially? It's baffling.

Move on. A divorce could take years. He’s shown no commitment to you. Theres lot of baggage. He’s got no money for a place with you. It’s a doomed relationship.

Is he so rich that it's worth hanging around or so handsomely above your league that you accept this?

You don't get money, you don't get commitment from him or a solid future but you make all the execuses for him for TWO years. What a fickle dickhead, so he left the wife when the youngest was 5 or 6 months. And you're not great either to be honest for getting with him. Didn't seeing him leave his wife with a baby and small kids make you realise what a selfish arse he is? Of course he pursued you hard, he was homeless.

His ex is not the problem, he is. You write so much about what she has done blaming her so much when he is the coward. The children are 3,6 and 9 and he isn't even fighting for them, you expect him to fight for you? You thought you could rehabilitate him and make him a better man. You have all the execuses for your poor traumatised lamb, you delude yourself.

It's also shit that you met his friends and family because now you envolve them in gaslighting his ex and children.

It's very simple, you break up with him and don't get with 'separated' men.

Honestly I can't see any benefit in being with this guy. He has come with so much baggage and is eating you out of house and home as well. I'm sure he's a nice guy but he brings you so much hassle that I don't think he's worth it.

I'd leave and find someone on the same page as me. This man isn't going to make you happy

Don't waste away your best years hoping he'll get his shit together regarding the divorce, and hoping he'll change his mind about marriage and more kids. He won't.

Do yourself a massive favour and find someone who is free to commit and who shares the same values and vision as you. Preferably someone who doesn't come with a truck load of baggage.

I think it’s a difficult one because only you know the true feelings you have when you’re together. We don’t know him. If you believe he’s genuine and have a gut feeling that it will eventually progress, then stick with it a while longer, BUT personally I would be having an honest conversation about what you both see for the future.
If he’s saying no to marriage and children and doesn’t ever see himself changing his mind, you need to decide if that’s something you’re willing to sacrifice because years down the line (hopefully it won’t happen but no one ever knows) you were to separate and you’d made such a huge life decision e.g. giving up marriage and children to be with him when he’s already experienced that. Would it be a huge regret to you and the potential to become resentful in life.

What a catch he sounds. Please raise the bar rather than trying to limbo under the leel of this low-life who is taking you for a mug.

Your only response so far OP was to defend him and backtrack on your own words about him, maybe you need to think about that and why you are eternally making excuses for him , mirroring his own half arsed behaviour towards the relationship and you.

You are correct to say there’s a huge part of his life you know nothing about and that’s completely unsustainable, his children and how he parents might be horrendous and almost certainly adding them to the mix won’t enhance an already shite relationship it’ll just add a whole new layer of complexity , excuses and reasons why your needs come last.

If he's staying at your house he needs to contribute to utilities and food/toiletries as a minimum.
He's a cocklodger.