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Original poster

Had a huuuge argument with "friend" last night, and i had to walk off, i dont want her tobe a friend any more..

33 replies

allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:06

Just wondering if you think i am in the wrong?
Met up with her last night (lets call her Mary)and one of my other friends (who i am a lot closer to), lets call her Rachel.

Myself and the Rachel were talking away in our usual style, being a little bit crude/funny but having a good time.
Both my friends are 35 and i am nearly 29.
Mary continued to sit there and tut at us, and put down every idea or suggestion that i had, ie i want to do teacher training, and me and Rachel love to go out a lot as our kids go away at the weekends..she kept saying "you cant do all that, you are too old. You just want to act like youre 18 all the time".
Then my friend Rachel went outside for a smoke, and Mary laid into me, saying "you're always putting on an act with other people. You are always trying to be younger than you are, and at your age you shouldnt be going out all the time.Stop trying to be something you're not."
so i walked off.
We havent spoken since.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 17:08

What sort of friend is she? She doesn't sound like a very good one. is she jealous of your friendship with 'Rachel'? is she generally a miserable person? She sounds insecure and immature. Is he friendhsip a huge loss?

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:08

Sorry i should add that she is depressed but wont do anything with her life, wont get a job/have any interests, wont go outside the town we live in, never ever has fun, but criticises anyone who does.
ive realised she is not really a friend!

OP posts:
Original poster
allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:09

She is hugely insecure - which she freely admits- and yes i should probably let the friendship go..but her partner died 2 years ago and i feel awful "dumping" her now.

OP posts:
hatrick · 04/05/2008 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mud · 04/05/2008 17:11

youd be really young fro teacher trianing - loads of old codgers do it - its a big middle aged lifechange career

Hecate · 04/05/2008 17:11

She doesn't sound like a friend to me, tbh. She doesn't even sound like she likes you very much! Sometimes it's just time to put someone out of your life.

MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 17:12

Hmmm. She sounds like the sort of person who enjoys dragging others down.

wheresthehamster · 04/05/2008 17:14

Poor Mary! Sounds like a cry for help to me.

She sounds envious of you and snapped. Maybe last night was a particularly bad time for her. Not the anniversary of her dp's death is it?

If she is depressed she needs help not people telling her to get a job etc.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:17

She does drag me down, i am usually a happy, if slightly crude/funnyish person, but she doesnt usually see this side of me as i try to be as reserved as i can when with her.

I usually feel drained after seeing her, but i always think "oh, her bloke has died, she needs some support."
But tbh i am sick and tired of her putting me down and being so damn negative about everything and everyone. She doesnt have many friends and now i feel a bit bad that now she has one fewer.

Hatrick, yes, all fat and balding..and most are younger than me!

OP posts:
Original poster
allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:20

wheresthehamster - i would never tell her to get a job, but she moans she is bored when the kids are at school and how broke she is..
i have suggested counselling but she refuses it.
Not the anniversary of his death, they were just about to split up when he died as she was sick of him.

its like shes determined to be the most pessismistic force on the universe and project her misery on to her "friends".

OP posts:
wheresthehamster · 04/05/2008 17:26

Yes, it's not very nice when you feel people are dragging you down.

I think before you dump her, make a final effort to get her to get some help. She's obviously in a bad place.

Blu · 04/05/2008 17:27

I think she sounds as if she is
a) jealous of the friendship you have with R, and feels left out
b) isolated and 'out of the swing of things' because of her grief
and depression certainly makes people feel left out etc, insecure, negative.
c)Does SHE find it hard to go out a lot, because she has no partner? Does she find it hard to listen to risque banter - again because her partner has died and she has no sexual partner? She may be jealous of yours and Rachel's more carefree lifestyle. She may feel bitter - and knows from painful personal experience that life can turn very hard.

You can't be friends with her just because you feel sorry for her, so if you don't like her, best to leave her to find friendship elsewhere. But if you do actually like her, usually, it might be worth trying to give her the support to get over her grief and depression.

Blu · 04/05/2008 17:28

cross-posted with the 'about to split up' bit - but that doesn't stop people grieving...or feeling guilty that she was thinking that and then he died.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:29

blu, i think i have tried everything i can, i have also been through a horrendous 8 months and she hasnt been too supportive really. i am also on my own and a bit lonely but when i go out i like to have a laugh!!

think i will just let this one bite the dust...

OP posts:
Blu · 04/05/2008 17:31

I think that's fair enough, agbu - I don't think you should feel 'guilt-tripped' into being friends with her...and totally fair enouhg fpr you to need friends who give you what you need.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:32

blu - she says she doesnt feel guilty that they were thinking of splitting, she is just not very independent and doesnt like doing the whole thing on her own.
She says now she feels pressure to earn some money but she doesnt want to.

OP posts:
lou33 · 04/05/2008 17:35

how on earth is almost 29 too old to be going out having fun?

i dont think i would want her in my life she sounds very draining

dont let her make you feel bad, she has her own problems she is projecting onto you, it is not for you to deal with it, if you stop allowing what she thinks of you to bother you, then she has no influence over your feelings

jalopy · 04/05/2008 17:39

Maybe she's right.

morningpaper · 04/05/2008 17:42

blimey you lot are on KNIFE EDGES

one tiny thing and you tip into madwomen

One small drunken comment from a woman who sounds miserable with her lot is hardly a "huge row" worth stomping off about

If you don't enjoy going out with her, don't invite her next time. Or invite more people, so she isn't so irritating

END OF

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 17:44

no this is not one tiny thing, tbh this has been a long time coming...last night was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yes she is depressed but she shouldnt lay into me about the way i choose to live; my children are well-looked after and why shouldnt i go out when they are away??

OP posts:
Janos · 04/05/2008 17:51

A agree with lou33.

She's obviously had a hard time with her partner dying but at the end of the day you are not responsible for her problems and she does sound very negative.

Has she been a good friend to you previously? Is she acting out of character?

If not, cut your losses.

littlewoman · 05/05/2008 03:37

Bellyup, you've had a very hard time of things recently, as we know from your posts. What you need is strength and support just now. Perhaps this woman does too (bloody hell, she's only 35 and all that negativity?) Even so, she has no right to slate you for hoping and dreaming up plans for the future. What keeps us going except hope?

I'm not saying end the friendship, or keep it, but if I were you I would tell her that her effect on people is seriously negative and she has no right to piss on other people's fireworks just because she has no fireworks of her own. For her own sake, she needs to be aware of the effect she has on others. The rest is up to her. And you.

Keep dreaming

queenrollo · 05/05/2008 09:11

i have a friend who says 'doing the right thing doesn't always make you feel good, in fact sometimes doing the right thing is very hard'

i think you know the right thing in this situation is to let this friendship go. I don't necessarily mean never socialising or communicating with her again, but she is obviously very down and that can be very draining on any friendship. It seems like she doesn't make any effort to help herself, so you just have to leave to her own devices.
I've been depressed, i know how hard it is to start climbing back up to the bright side again but it sounds like she is making no effort at all, and is very bitter.
Don't let this woman impact on your life like this anymore....

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 09:16

if she had "snapped" she would have phoned and apologised by now

i had a moment like that once - i snapped at a friend who was boasting about soemthing i completely disagreed with - told her "i dont know how you can be so selfish" and she walked off

i phoned her and apologised the next day - i still dont agree with what she is doing but that just my opinion and i should have kept it to myself

so thereofre i think you should just forget about her. she should definitely have apologised by now. since she hasnt i would forget about her

MuthaHubbard · 05/05/2008 10:17

My best friend's boyfriend died almost two years ago. They were very much together at the time, yet she is the friend I can go out with, have a laugh, be crude, get drunk and dance all night. But there was obviously a period where we moaned, got a bit down and cried together.

Above all, we have been there for each other during tough times. Even when we may not have fully agreed with what each other was doing, we've just got on with it.

I have another friend though who is at her happiest when she has something to moan about. Nothing really horrible has every happened to her, just the normal stuff (ie kids playing up/hubby being a knob/job a bit naff, etc). Whereas most people have a quick moan and then get on with it, she seems to make such a drama out of things and make it appear that things are ten million times worse for her.

Some people are just moany arses.