Did anyone else find that once they’d been through something really traumatic they no longer see people the same way?

[Fortheloveofaboy]

Im not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. The positive is no longer really caring about what people think about you. The negative is this makes your world smaller but then I suppose more authentic.

Yep. Once you see certain things, you can't unsee them. Yes, it sometimes pulls the curtain back on what you thought was X but is in reality Y. Yes, sometimes you have to adjust relationships and Yes, sometimes trust is gone forever.
I think we all experience it.

I always thought that this is what J K Rowling was getting at with those creatures in Harry Potter that can only be seen by people who have been bereaved. (Sorry, not a big fan, don’t know what they’re called).

I also think this part of maturing. Letting go of the illusions is part of a new phase.

Yes, definitely. I became less tolerant of bullshit.

My friend said that I became hard/harsh but I realised that I wasn't putting up with her victim mentality any more and was asking for accountability from her. She didn't like that.

People say 'life's too short' when I've been putting boundaries in, but what they really want is to just be forgiven for their shit, without accountability.

I agree that life is too short... too short to be surrounded by cunty people and I remove them from my life now.

Sounds harsh, but I've never slept better.

Yes but I feel like other people are 'catching up' as we all get older. The longer we live, the more chance we have to experience traumatic events I suppose.

No, not really. Or only in the sense that you can feel rather separate from the rest of the world which is going about its daily business unscathed by what just happened to you.

Yes - I realised that lots of people I had thought were friends/nice colleagues were anything but. I’m afraid I lost quite a lot of my trust and belief in people generally. Not sure I ever really recovered, to be honest - just got gradually used to the “new normal”. But I’m not really the same person I was beforehand (in some ways better, I think, though not as fun any more).

Absolutely. After my son died I found out who my friends were.

Definitely, when my son was ill in hospital my siblings got together and kicked me, so to speak, whilst I was already down. Their true nature came out and I will never forget that and haven't spoken to them since and never will

I think a traumatic event is a shock, and it rocks you and changes your perception of yourself and the world as any major life event does.

What I will also say is that personality and character also play a role. Most people gradually move back towards their default view of the world and the people in it as the shock wears off. Certainly we have a more realistic view of what we can expect from people, but I've never known anyone with a positive disposition to change permanently once the initial anger and sadness wears off. We are who we are, and it is surprising how enduring that is.

I recently went through something horribly traumatic at church. It is over now, and two months have passed but I am still traumatized and don’t see it in the same way. Others around me are trying to convince me to go with the flow and be as I was before but I am unable to connect as I used to. Yet not going at all seems not right to me neither. I don’t know what to do about it. I suppose time will heal to a point.

I think when a traumatic time occurs you find out what people are really like . When I was very ill I found out who was there for me and wasn't .

It's so weird, I also lost faith and trust in a bunch of people close to me, yet I was astounded by the kindness of complete strangers!

Yes I've become less of a pushover and put up with less bad behaviour from people that I tolerated before. This doesn't affect nice people in my life. Friends and family, who i treat just the same. It only affects people who were always a pain but who I previously tolerated. Life is indeed too short

Kind of. I put up barriers to protect myself and now keep my circle small.
I pushed people away because I didn’t have the headspace to deal with anything but the trauma.

Yep. I see it as a good thing though, it’s helped me put in boundaries easier without being afraid of offending people

Yes but in hindsight there were always signs of how shit they are.

Yes! A brilliant analogy for how it feels. You can't unknow what you know.

For me my expectations of people are lower and I keep them at more of a distance. I'll always be friendly and nice but I don't let people into my inner sanctum as easily.

I am in my 50’s and saw a great interview recently about menopause. The lady was saying as young girls of my era we were brought up to be ‘nice’ and polite to everyone.
Then hormones arrive and like it or not, it means we then (a lot of us) settle down and have children. We then devote our lives to their care as well as often then taking care of parents. We try and squeeze in a career and at work of course we are often expected to be ‘nice’ and fall in, in a way that men aren’t.
She then said after menopause when our hormones fall off, even with HRT they can never be at the same levels, a lot of that falls away. We literally care less. We tell the truth more.
We become the person that is really inside of us.
If you add in negative experiences, and then traumatic ones, then you do see the world differently. I know since losing my parents, even in my 50’s, I have lost a sense of something.
I had trauma therapy/EMDR to help with a really traumatic experience, which helped an awful lot, but it hasn’t changed how I see the world. That used to make me cynical, but now I am just glad to have a few people I love and quite a simple life.

Often people will say it is the only positive to come from serious illness, bereavement etc.

Finally seeing who your tribe are and cutting out the dead wood around you that aren't.

Yes.

My world is indeed smaller, but I love the authenticity.

I also don’t hold onto material things- what’s important is the life and health of those I love.

DH was recently going through his late mum’s stuff and asked whether I’d like to keep something to remember her by. It occurred to me that I have one of the things she loved most dearly-DH. I don’t need a vase- just him.

I’ve lost the feeling that people are inherently good. All those monsters in the fairytales are actually real and they are human.

Having been through several consecutive traumatic episodes, the number one thing I’ve learned is just how isolated the human condition is - we are born alone and we die alone, in between is a stream of transient people and things that come and go. As a previous poster mentioned, I have lowered my expectations of people, I love them and care for them as best I can, but I try not to become so attached to the idea of their permanence in my life. A belief in permanence is a false illusion and ultimately quite harmful to your general contentment in life.

Having said all that, I, now far more compassionate and patient with people after personally learning what real suffering looks like. I’m stronger, more reliable, and try to make the world a slightly softer gentler place as I pass through it, I don’t always succeed, but I think the attempt is a very honourable path through life.

Becoming more realistic due to a better acquaintance with life and people can actually bring more happiness. No regrets about past trauma, although I do not want any more! Best of all, this realism and humility has brought about a new confidence I never thought I would be capable of.

This too is a phase, the next level up is recognising however extreme the evil you have seen was, there is always more good in the world to counterbalance it, more than you can possibly imagine, there are people out there performing feats of good that affect millions of people. There are human beings out there working tirelessly for the greater good - but because they do not narcissistically sing it from the rooftops, they remain largely invisible. I do hope you meet them and find them just as shocking as the evil of this world.